|
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 04, 2007
You're Not Alone in Your Efforts to Lose Weight
Hi, my name is Michelle Fiordaliso. I am the Clinical Director of the Shrink Yourself Mastering Food Program. I am a psychotherapist and certified nutritional counselor.
At the risk of sounding like that old Hair Club for Men commercial, I don't just work at this company but I have had my own struggles with weight beginning when I was nine-years old. As a child I had a dream of being an actor. When I was nine, I met an agent who wanted to sign me. He suggested that I lose ten pounds. The very next day, I tried not to eat anything, until four o'clock when I found I was starving, and gave in and ate two Oreo cookies with a friend. Then there was the freshman fifteen, a thirty-pound weight gain when I had thyroid problems, and an eighty-pound weight gain when I was pregnant with my son. I called myself, "The Human Accordion," swelling and shrinking from time to time. Finally, I reached a place where I was so fed-up with a body that was constantly changing. I'm sure you're familiar with that place. I knew I had to do something different than diet and exercise. I had to change my relationship to food. Once I did this, following a sensible diet and exercise plan became much easier. Of course, I still worry about my weight, who doesn't, but it's an occasional thought not an every day, every meal obsession.
I am here to present you with links to the most up-to-date articles about Emotional Eating, to answer your questions, and to remind you that you are not alone in this journey to recover your power over food. I can promise you the place to start is by going inside and asking yourself certain questions. If I could wave a magic wand and take away this painful vicious cycle, I would. But we both know I can't. But what I can do, is share how I used the Shrink Yourself methods to put an end to this pattern, and help you find the plan that will work best for you.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:22:03 PM | 17 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JULY 23, 2010
Reinventing Yourself: Part 2
Emotional eating is a way of interrupting the natural conversation that is taking place within you, between your mind and your brain. Your brain continuously sends you messages in the form of feelings and thoughts and makes a demand on your mind to think in order to sort them out and figure out how to respond. This is the way that people grow, change, mature and recover from their childhood experiences as they go through the phases and stages of adult life.
If you put the “mute” button on by overeating or binging, you shut off the flow of wisdom and intelligence of your own brain, and the maturation process comes to a halt. The normal process of reinventing yourself in little daily steps doesn’t happen, but the need to reinvent yourself doesn’t go away. You are aware that you have to change in some way, but you don’t do it because you are too scared to try. Then you get behind in the personal development work you need to do.
[more]
Human nature is such that when we know we have to make some changes in ourselves and we don’t do it, we feel guilty and our self confidence is drained. That’s when we feel powerless, and that’s when the powerlessness is turned into cravings that are so intense we think there is another person inside of us making us eat too much. Getting back into the flow of the normal maturation process (reinventing yourself) is the “cure.” Because when that happens, the food addiction is broken and the cravings go away. Then you are free to stay in touch with yourself on an ongoing basis.
The concept is simple. Think instead of eat! Listen to yourself rather than run away from yourself and think about what your brain is telling you. One of the comments last week strikes this note well. “Maybe it's not so much reinventing ourselves as healing and fully identifying with the peace and power that has always been our true Self.” I agree, that is where you want to end up, but in order to get there you have to drill down to the particulars of your life, and put your intentions into action. You need a method to practice the principles.
You have to change your attitude first, as another comment so well illustrates. “I want to reinvent myself by feeling those feelings. No mute button for me - no automatic reaching for food to cope with emotional hunger. Wow, this is frightening.” But why is it so frightening to feel your own feelings? It is not frightening for other people who have made a point to stay in touch with their feelings. They see their feelings as desirable rather than formidable. But if you have been afraid of your own feelings for a while, your normal feelings are misinterpreted as dark and dangerous, ultimately leading to the one of the worst of all human conditions, which is shutting them off and then feeling powerless.
Remember, you are trying to teach yourself to recognize that you are not powerless, that you have choices and options, and that you can be creative about how you respond to your feelings. And when you actually make new choices, change some patterns and take some risks, you are rewarded immediately for your work and bravery, as the next two comment so well illustrate.
“I’m now someone who is in charge of her own life, the queen of her castle. I get to make the decisions now about what is right for me. It isn't easy but it feels great!” -- “Soon I am taking a kayaking class. I drum, play bells, and am in a hiking club. There was a time when I was afraid to walk alone in my backyard at night. No more.”
How YOU have to reinvent yourself is specific to you and to your life situation, and often means abandoning an old role that you adopted in your early life or in your marriage. When you look at the list that I extracted from the comments over the last two weeks, you’ll see that these are nothing more than the daily tasks of everyday life. Nothing too exotic or even very dramatic. Just real life challenges that require certain qualities and skills.
Here is the “Reinvention” list so far...
Even thought I am hesitant to do what I don’t want to do, due to lack of confidence and concern about making a wrong decision, I am going to organize my weekend chores and long term tasks.
Perhaps I need to re-invent myself in the role of their "parent". Come to think of it, they do act pretty childish lately. Can I be patient and get them to act rationally?
I want to dare to love as much as I actually love without the fear of potential loss causing me to hold back.
I want to dare to look foolish and be wrong so that I stop being so reserved that I miss out on things.
I desperately want to reinvent myself, I have before. It was always at the beginning of a new relationship, then I fell into my old beat-yourself-up ways.
I am just in the process of reinventing myself and am terrified of loneliness but need to embrace that if I am going to be the honest person that I intend to be.
I need to confront bullying persons at work.
I am going to be my own personal coach i.e., having the conversation without the interruption of food.
I will put myself in situations where I am visible and taking some leadership.
I need to love myself enough to make physical movement, prayer, sleep and creativity a priority.
I am not going to be afraid to take control of finances.
I will rely on my internal strength rather than some external object, like food.
I am putting myself in situations where I will be relied on and realize I've been reticent in the past.
I have been dreaming of confrontations with others. Something I've avoided like the plague in the past. Like my neighbor said of her angry husband; “it may be unpleasant, but it’s not the end of me if someone is upset.”
I will keep clear boundaries and not feel guilty if I'm mad.
I am going to act on my own behalf, using the anger to say "enough is enough" - so others will then know the authentic me.
How have you been afraid to change and what new behavior are you ready to try now?
Or
What insights have helped you see how you need to reinvent yourself?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 5:23:16 PM | 22 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JULY 16, 2010
Reinvent Yourself
Emotional Eating is not simply a bad habit, but a symptom of a much more complex human phenomenon that involves all parts of your mind and life.
Recently a well respected figure in the world of adult development died, Dr. Robert Butler, someone who I knew professionally, but not personally. He too wrote about the life cycle and the issues of adapting to the various phases of adulthood. His primary focus was on post retirement, where my focus has been on mid-life crisis.
His thesis is that people have to “reinvent” themselves many times during the course of life, and that this is especially important if one is going to enjoy healthy aging. Although we haven’t used that particular term, that is core of what we do here. In order to fully break the emotional eating habit and free yourself from binging, compulsive eating or the food obsession, you have to reinvent yourself!
[more]
That may sound like a tall order, if you let the wrong image of that control your thinking. The initial image suggests you have to change everything about yourself, including your hair, your wardrobe and life partner. That's not what he means, and it’s not what I mean.
We have already seen from the comments on the blogs, that reinventing yourself can mean something as simple as setting boundaries, being able to recover your voice and make yourself heard rather than hide, or developing an adult proactive attitude to all the ups and downs of relationships at work or at home. These are all obvious and on the surface. They might even sound simple and easy to do just by making a decision to do them. However, it is very difficult for the person who has not done them before, particularly if they have been thinking about doing it for a long time and not yet taken the steps to make the changes happen.
Reinventing yourself is nothing more than acquiring those life skills and self confidence that you probably admire and envy in another person. You may have other strengths that you are proud of, but what you envy in them is what you don’t have, and you envy because on some level you know you could develop if you worked at it. But these other people did not have the same upbringing that you did, did not have to adapt to the same set of parents, or go through the same difficult transitions, or deal with the same family dynamics. We've all had different experiences in life and have re-adapted to them in a way that has worked well enough so far.
The question of reinventing yourself comes up when
“well enough” is no longer good enough.
It's somewhat of a paradox. On one hand, reinventing yourself can simply be a matter of making a decision to take a reasonable risk, it’s about common and ordinary behavior, others like you have already done it for themselves and demonstrated that it can be done and it is safe. But that’s not how it feels when you think about doing it. It feels almost impossible, like climbing a high mountain without any preparation. For a person who has been shy most of their life to suddenly speak up and have their voice heard seems like it's asking too much. Of course it is not really asking too much, and other people do it all the time.
There is a steady pulse under the surface that pushes personal
evolution and change while we are busy living our daily lives.
However, the whole process of reinventing yourself and recovering from your childhood is stopped in its tracks by emotional eating. Emotional eating blocks normal growth and development. When a signal occurs that is prompting you to look at yourself and reevaluate and take some risk and practice something new in order solve problems or feel better about yourself, you mute that signal. You might binge or reach for food which blurs the message your brain is sending to you before it gets too clear. Emotional eating is like having a constantly interrupted conversation with yourself. Every time it gets interesting and important, eating interrupts that internal conversation, and the growth process is halted. Your brain doesn’t give up, the message for growth is relentless, it keeps coming up and you keep stuffing it down. That’s why binges and overeating occur in unpredictable and unpreventable cycles.
You can see from the comments on the blogs, how people are struggling to reinvent themselves. They are dealing with food obsession on the surface, but really it only represents the deeper struggle, which is to grow and be free and recover from old childhood adaptations that no longer work. The Shrink Yourself program will help you grow and live your life in the broadest sense of the word. People are always surprised, at the end of the program, to find that the cravings have gone away. That’s because the cravings were nothing more than the emotional hunger for growth and the push to reinvent yourself...
Given this time in your life, how do you need to reinvent yourself?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 5:05:00 PM | 17 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JULY 09, 2010
To Eat too much or To Be Free?
The comments on last week’s blog were perfectly timed, they were all about independence from past events and perceptions that reinforce the tyranny of food. A good theme for the Fourth of July week. Thank you all, for your willingness to share openly. Today I am going to focus on the comments that illustrate the theme of freedom.
[more]
ml said:
If I don’t face my fears from the past, I will stay stuck using overeating to insulate me from the intimacy that I both desire and fear. I first engaged in binging a few months into an abusive marriage to soothe my anxiety and fear. Now that I’m free of that, will I be able to take off the padding I used to shield myself? What do I have to gain? Freedom from the overeating that became a self-imposed prison. Freedom to feel the feelings that have been trapped inside. Freedom to explore my anxiety and fear and use them as an impetus for growth. Freedom to live without hiding. Freedom to make mistakes, get up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. Freedom to have a voice. Freedom to love myself, finally. Hurrah for Independence Day!
There it is... to be fat or to be free, or more accurately, to give in to outdated fears or exercise your right to be free from the past. What I see over and over again is that people who begin to live their life from an adult perspective, become cured of their food obsession. Every freedom declared in the comment above represents a healthy adult perspective on current reality.
It takes some insight and adult grit to start moving into an adult perspective if you have been absent for too long. Here’s how one person described it.
mbt54 said:
If I give into my fears of being disconnected to others and of harming them by asserting myself, I will get the same results: feeling inferior and not having skills to create healthy boundaries resulting in anxiety and a desire to stuff my feelings with food comfort. There is no other way out but through. The temptation is to do what is familiar and easy. I have to trust that going into new territory will be the only cure.
Reality is her friend, as I mentioned last week. Learning the skills of setting appropriate boundaries, asserting ones self and having a voice are the rights and skills every adult needs to exercise, practice and improve. The reality is different than her childhood fears. She does not harm anyone by asserting herself in reality, only in her imagination.
And here’s a tip on how to practice re-framing reality with an adult perspective... observe yourself trying new behavior, step by step, over and over, until you have proven to yourself that the fears hanging out in your head are no longer true.
Reinventing said:
I always used to binge around my mother and sister. My past relationships with them kept me from moving forward as my own person, even if I did not have their approval. As a child, my sister took on the role of "father" of the house, since my mother was working all the time to make ends meet. Consequently, she was seen as the parent, even in my adult life. I ate around them, because i am stuffing down my adult self. I felt that they are always judging me, and I never quite measured up. I know that that's just my perception--reality is not like that. Since SY, I am learning to set boundaries with them, insist on saying my peace, and am beginning to separate myself from their judgements and approval--or not. It feels uncomfortable but that's Ok--I am doing it, and with more practice, those uncomfortable feelings will disappear. I love SY, for me...all the pieces just FIT--its like a miracle. As Dr. Gould said, my subconscious is FINALLY catching up to the rest of my brain!! : I have not binged in 11 weeks. It is interesting, that even though, setting boundaries HAS been uncomfortable and anxiety producing--if I am making improvements in my life, those type of anxiety feelings seem to be OK, and they have not caused me to eat. Weird eh?
The anxiety associated with growth doesn’t make you eat. The baseless fears of the past are what make you eat. Remember reality is your friend.
How are you embracing reality now in your struggle to free yourself from past fears?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 7:01:01 PM | 14 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JULY 02, 2010
Reality is Your Friend
We’ve been looking at the childhood influences of the past that have led to the current obsession with food. Last week, I asked for comments about what is going on in your life now, that you would like to wish away. We all know that wishing for things to go away will not provide relief from a food obsession. However, it does brings to the forefront the situations in the present that trigger us to overeat. And if we look closer, it will give us clues to the qualities we need to own and develop to live more fully in the present. Particularly those qualities we have hidden due to the painful family dynamics from our past.
Let’s look at some of the comments so we can see the link between the past, the wishes of the present, and the growth that needs to be completed before the obsession can be cured.
[more]
The Family Dynamics:
“Realizing that disappearing is what I felt like I needed to do in order for everyone around me to be okay. I sensed my mother's passive-aggressiveness and feelings of overwhelm with many children. My parents arguments and the demands of life were very disturbing to me and, being a child, internalized these conflicts as somehow due to me.”
Her Adaptation:
“If there was any way I could reduce them, I would. So I tended to be the nice, shy kid who did everything to avoid rocking the boat. So personal power is something I relinquished in order to keep the family afloat.”
She sacrificed her personal power, but the normal urge to have a voice and be heard and understood did not go away, it just went underground, and got covered up by a top layer of food.
“I stuffed myself and indulged in junk because if I asserted myself, certainly it would be the tipping point and the parents would divorce and everyone would destroy each other in arguments. My family was my security and it seemed often to be on the edge of destruction.“
Her Insight:
“I rebelled with food. I asserted myself with food. Today I choose to be in charge of my choices and I can have a voice by asserting myself in real life.”
Her Growth:
She is recovering her sense of personal power, the right to live her own life, have her own opinions, and express herself in a sensible and effective manner. She will be able to do this on a consistent basis, if she corrects her childhood misunderstanding that doing so will inevitably hurt others, destroy her safety, and make her a guilty destructive person.
When she gets there and practices that on a regular basis, all her cravings will disappear. She will be cured of her obsession because she will have grown into a fully enfranchised adult who is living in the present and not in the past. There is no mystery here. The path is clear. She will succeed as long as she remembers the difference between the past and the present. Reality is her friend... it supports her cure.
Here’s another example of how important that distinction is, and this is even more clear because the past is not the distant past of childhood, but the closer past of an earlier marriage.
“20 years ago I went through a dreadful nightmare of a marriage and divorce, which was the beginning of this relationship with food. I am in fact happily married now, but the relationship with food stayed. Now that I have stopped the behaviour sustaining the relationship with food I see that - wait a minute - it's safe now. It's OK. I don't need to do this anymore. It's like running and running and running away from danger and not turning around to see that you've run far enough away. The danger is gone. Turn around and look.”
This is growth. She is living in the present and not haunted by the demons of the past. She was able to identify the mistake and update her view of the world. Looking at current reality without the fear of the past is her new best friend.
Another woman said something quite similar, but she is still haunted by the memories of the past that are potentially hurting her good relationship in the present.
“Something Andy said reminds me of what I wish would go away in my life - my fear of intimacy in my marriage. I love my husband very much but am very scared of feeling vulnerable. What if I allow myself that intimacy and then I'm wrong again? What if I get blindsided like I did in my first marriage? I hold myself back in this relationship but do I even want that to change? Am I willing to risk?”
When she conquers her fear of intimacy and realizes that her past fears are compromising her current success, she will be well on the road to the cure. If she doesn’t, this fear is big enough and strong enough to keep her enslaved to food.
What mistakes might you be making by NOT facing your fears from the past
with a new perspective based on current reality?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:12:18 PM | 12 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JUNE 25, 2010
Using Food to Disappear
I would like to continue the exploration of how the events from our past have set us up for the current food obsession. And how important it is to "open these doors" and walk through them with a new perspective. The following comment from last week, by Bonita, vividly captures the essence of the problem, which is using food to "disappear."
“There was always so much shouting at our dinner table when I was a kid. My mother took a lot of time cooking beautiful meals - German cooking, rich food, always much more than we could eat. She was a good cook, but my Dad used suppertime as a fault-finding mission. First he started with the cauliflower and then moved on to the kids. Food and criticism in our house went together like hot dogs in buns. Mom always said her good food was wasted because it went down our throats in lumps. You can’t even call what we did eating. It was more like stuffing ourselves to the point of oblivion. Who tastes anything when there’s a gun pointed at your head? And why would you even need to know when your stomach was full? That wasn’t the point of eating. The point of eating in my house was to avoid what was going on around me, and once you got past the third pork chop, it worked!“
There it is, as real and clear as it can be. How one learns to override the biological signs of fullness in order to go beyond them to achieve a state of oblivion. How else could one disappear from a repugnant and dangerous reality at a family dinner table.
[more]
In my book, and in the Shrink Yourself program, we call the state of oblivion, The Food Trance. And when you are having intense cravings to stuff yourself, you are actually having what we call Phantom Hunger, rather than biological hunger. The unconscious goal is to "disappear" from the painful reality of the situation that reminds us of the past. The memory is replayed in the mind as if it is still the truth. Our past experiences are tied to the current reality by our outdated but still active beliefs about what food means to us.
As a grown woman, Bonita still believes that she is as POWERLESS as she was at the family dinner table. Food was, and still is, her protection against the danger of her father’s whithering criticism, which was an assault on her self worth. Continuing to use food in this way gives her a false sense of safety against a danger that no longer exists.
“ I always found it amazing when I went over to a friend’s home for supper and the mother dished up one plate of food for each person and put it in front of us. Why aren’t people asking for seconds here? Was this family being punished? And why are these people laughing at the dinner table? Isn’t that dangerous? So it’s very hard for me to adjust to the fact that the purpose of eating isn’t to make myself feel like I’ve left the planet, nor are reasonable portions a cruel method of torture. As you might guess, I need a lot of practice learning how to read my stomach’s signals. I’m 64 years old. My stomach has been waiting a long time for this.“
There are many familiar pathways to the food obsession that start in childhood. Notice how the family dynamics of the past, in the nine insightful statements below, have shaped the current perspective on reality.
When I was young I was always consoled by being bribed with food. I too tend to stock up on goodies to take home after work and eat my way through them, feeling bloated, uncomfortable and guilty afterwards.
I was always the "good girl" and I was always praised for it. My sister was the wild child who exhausted my parents and I was the easy one. As an adult it is very hard for me to do anything that causes disruption to anyone. I am easy-going and flexible to a fault. Most of the time I don't even know what I want .
I was the "good girl," too, although I didn't receive a great deal of praise and attention for it. I was one of several children with a father prone to rages/mood swings and a mother who was often depressed and overwhelmed. I was the middle child, often overlooked, who tried to accommodate/placate my demanding father and siblings. Some of my warmest memories are of sneaking away with my mother to the store for ice cream and other treats. I have a hard time identifying my needs and wants because I always considered everyone else first. Perhaps obsessive eating for me is my "inner rebel" screaming to be heard and nurtured. I am so ready to make peace with myself and stop sabotaging myself.
I was the "smart" one in my family. The one who made perfect grades, who got recognition for it and subsequently my Dad could be the proud bragging papa. I loved for my Dad to brag on me. Whenever he wanted to brag on one of his children, he would talk about me. So I was always striving to be perfect, to be recognized.
I don't like any one to be praised, i like to be the center of attention, i like to be the best.. and i never admit that i was wrong even when i am, i shift the blame to some1 else!! i am the smart one in my family, i always like to be the best
I was never intimate with my mother, I never felt unconditional love from her, she was distant. Mom chose to leave my father and us girls when I was sixteen. I am now 55. Our father did his best but he too, was distant and distracted with all the responsibilities on his plate. I realize that I feel unlovable and undeserving of love. I am constantly trying to prove myself to others.
I think I was then left with the feeling that I have no control. I have no self control now when I eat. I binge almost everyday and have gained 40 lbs in a short time. Not only do I sabotage myself with food, I drink a lot. That's my way of rebelling against my mom. I guess I'm the "wild child" in the family. I'm the only one that doesn't have a 4.0 or exceeds in sports.
The part of the past I need to put in a new perspective is the victim, learned helplessness, mentality my parents taught me. My mother is constantly worrying and fretting and acts more like an anorexic with food whereas my father is completely complacent and overeating is his only reward in life.
I grew up as a child of a hoarder. my mother's OCD controlled my life: constantly keeping me indoors, calling me incessantly if i went to a friend's house until all my friend didn't want to be friends anymore, telling me that her house was a mess because of me, etc.... the only thing that i was allowed to control was food. she never monitored my food intake and would reward me w/ food. so, here i am w/ food issues.
These comments highlight some of the deeper patterns that help us understand "WHY" we have issues with food. It's important to recognize these experiences in order to recover from them, which is what we help you do inside the Shrink Yourself program.
For now, let's identify what is triggering your food obsession today!
What is happening in your life that you wish would go away?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 5:12:35 PM | 15 COMMENTS
SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2010
Blinded by the Obsession with Food
Every time I see a new patient come into my office with a food obsession, I am reminded of how durable the obsession is, and how difficult it is for the person to see what is really going on. From a therapist's perspective, what I am about to describe may sound obvious. However, the person who is struggling with the food obsession is practically blind, when it comes to seeing the source of the obsession.
A woman in her 50's came to see me after reading my book. She is an educated and intelligent woman who has a small profitable business and is happily married, with an adult son and four grand children. However, she was feeling totally desperate.
"I've been losing the same 15 pounds on and off for the last 40 years! I've tried every diet and nothing works. But I'm not ready to give up."
She went on to describe in a very tearful and painful way, her life history with a father who tyrannized her and a mother who couldn't protect her. Her siblings gave in to the father but she remained the rebel of the family. She was constantly getting herself into trouble but never giving up or giving in to her father, who was occasionally kind to her but more often brutally angry with her. This is a familiar story to me, since many of my patients who have an obsession with food also have a difficult family history that continues to cause them a great deal of emotional pain.
[more]
When I asked about her eating patterns, she told me she mostly binges either at night or on the way home from work when she starts thinking about her day. During the day she is too busy and active but when she has time to think, she begins to feel too much emotional pain. So on the way home she will stop at a fast food place for a fix.
"I keep on sabotaging myself, punishing myself and feel terrible about it, but I can't stop it."
Right there we have the blind repetitious pattern. The events of her childhood are long past but the memory is alive deep down inside and causes emotional pain. To ease the pain she rebels against herself in the same way she rebelled against her father. She punishes herself by being overly harsh and critic of herself, as he would have punished her in the past.
She is stuck in a cycle of an old family drama which gets repeated over again every day of her life. The drama is played out with food as the leading character. When I pointed this out to her, her eyes opened widely and she said innocently "I never thought about that."
She was so focused on the food and the 15 pounds that she never thought about the origin of the pain that was dominating her life. Since she couldn't put it into a current perspective, she couldn't find the pathway out of her stuckedness.
"I now remember that every single day of my life I was told that I deserve to be punished. It was not only my father but my aunt and sometimes my mother. I continued to rebel and get in trouble at school and that only exacerbated their telling me I needed to be punished, which made me rebel even more."
At the core of her obsession are two deeply embedded competing beliefs. One is her belief that she deserved punishment for being a defiant child in response to her tyrannical father. The other strong belief is that she was the brave one in the family who had pride and would never give in to the father. But at age 55 she had not yet decided which of these beliefs was correct so she blindly repeats the cycle by taking care of herself as a good person and then punishing herself as a bad person. It is all played out on those 15 pounds that go up and down, representing these two beliefs, both of which are obscured by her preoccupation with food.
It's important to remember that the food obsession is part of the life cycle journey to maturation. There is always a historical story going on in the person's mind that has not yet been resolved. People hold onto their obsession with food and are resistance to insight because on some level they believe that their problem cannot be resolved, and that they are better off not knowing about what is going on in their mind.
This patient did not want to end up believing that she was truly a bad person who deserved to be punished, which was the belief that dominated her earlier life. However, if she isn't that bad person who deserves to be punished, then who is she now? She can acknowledge and honor her adult self as she continues to make the distinction between the dynamics of the past and her current life situation.
That's how curing an obsession with food will open up your life. The food obsession occupies your mind space to protect you from your worst fears about yourself and at the same time prevents you from overcoming those old irrational self doubts. Finding your cure to your food obsession is more important to your growth than just being able to control your weight.
What part of your past do you need to put into a new perspective?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:14:37 AM | 15 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JUNE 11, 2010
ALMOST CURED
A patient came in to see me the other day who I hadn't seen for three months. She was doing well and in the final stage of being "cured" of her food obsession. She decided to scheduled this appointment to "reach a higher level" and to complete the process.
However, in the three days just before her appointment, she had a little relapse.
I remember when she started to gain weight right before a visit back home. She was afraid that her sister would be too envious of her for having both a good life, and her weight under control. She was willing to be fat and angry at herself in order to ward off the envy.
I mentioned that: "It appears that your old fear of success has come back to haunt you. Success was dangerous for you then, and still is now, but probably for a different reason." This time she was asking for a deeper insight to deal with her core fear of success.
[more]
As the session went on she told me about all of her successes with food and with her life, both at work and at home. One important success was her decision to take care of herself. After a 13 hour day serving others, including her young son, husband, and full-time job, she now gives herself permission to watch television and relax. Last year she couldn't do that. Instead she would eat too much and make herself feel so sick she would have an excuse to go to the bedroom to watch television.
She had made real progress. She is now willing to declare that she has needs, limits, and the right to take care of herself. However, she told me this in a way that made me question her more. She didn't seem so confident about this simple, obvious and very legitimate need to take care of herself.
I asked her: "How can you be so uncertain about your right to do this! What else should you be doing after a 13 hour day?" She answered that maybe she should go to her desk and tackle the bills or do something else more productive. That is what her mother would do.
My reply to that was: "So apparently you're not quite sure that you are adult enough to decide to relax if that makes you different from your mother. Your mother represented the role model you grew up with. Now that you are an adult, you have to create your own rules. It is you who is pressuring yourself to do too much. Your mother isn't here. It is you who have rebelled against yourself and misused food to give yourself a much needed rest, because you were afraid to be honest with your true self. You have overcome that particular situation, so you can now watch television at night without feeling guilty. This demonstrates the origin of your guilt, which is making a false comparison between you and your mother."
My patient then told me that her mother envies her. Her mother can't stop working day and night and does not travel or take vacations. In fact, her mother has said several times that she would have liked to have had a life like her daughter has. Then she tells me she feels guilty now because this week she has time off from work.
Aha, I said. It all comes together in the three days before this appointment. You are proud of your success, you have another piece of the good life by having time off, and all that makes you a bigger target for your mothers envy. You are being successful, and yet still vulnerable to outdated patterns. And now you are tempted to overeat to shut this conflict out of your mind.
Although there is always more texture to the story than this vignette, it does illustrate the point I want to make. Which is that the last stage of the "cure" for the food obsession is all about completing your sense of being an adult, taking charge of your own life, and emancipating yourself from the rules and roles of the family dynamics.
Any outside observer wouldn't question her right to relax after a long day of service. She questioned it only because she wasn't quite sure she had the right, as a wife and mother of a ten year old, to be different than her mother, or the fortitude to withstand her mother's envy of her life.
She is in the final phase of being "cured" of her food obsession. To complete the process, she needs to continue to become a fully functioning adult in all sectors of her life. As an independent adult she will not need to compare herself to her mother. She will recognize that she does not have the power to change her mother nor does she have the responsibility to keep trying. She should enjoy the fruits of her good marriage, wonderful child and good job because there is no "real" reason to feel guilty.
What sector of your adult life has been sacrificed and covered up by an obsession with food?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:02:01 PM | 12 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JUNE 04, 2010
Use your Mind, Cure your Food Obsession, Change your Life!
Clarity of mind is both the "solution" and the reward that comes when you cure your obsession with food. But what exactly is "clarity of mind" and what is lacking in your life when it is absent?
Let's start with this insightful comment from last week's blog:
"I have been cured of my food obsession. It was a wonderful moment when I realized it happened, it felt like a huge internal pressure had subsided, and a new mental clarity had begun. I have literally grown up. I now know what it feels like to be a full functioning adult. I now experience all life has to offer instead of running away from it all."
There it is, stated as clearly as possible. An attainable goal. Freedom from the obsession with food! To live life with an open mind and heart. No longer running away from the fear of confronting reality, but instead making reality work for you.
Another person recognized that the food obsession was occupying too much of her mind and interfering with her life when she made the following comment:
[more]
"Wow! It must feel amazing. I bet you could start to concentrate on other parts of your life. I cannot wait for that day.”
I'm sure you can imagine what it might feel like to be rid of the huge internal pressure that drives you to food even when you're not hungry? This obsession takes over your days and your nights and keeps you from living as a full functioning adult. The food obsession keeps you numb and exacts a very high price. Most of all, it robs you of your mental clarity.
Another responder longed for her version of mental clarity, a "focused and intentional life" to replace the food obsession that is currently occupying too much of her mental life:
"I was being capsized by uncomfortable emotions every time I saw a plate of food, a jar of candy."
We can all understand what it must feel like to be "capsized" by uncomfortable emotions or thrown out of your own boat. You spend most of your time trying to climb back on board to keep from drowning. The distant shore, or a focused "port" like mental clarity which can bring comfort feels like an illusion. So is the promise of adulthood. But these are not empty promises or illusions. These are real possibilities.
It takes a lot of energy to have a food obsession. You can't really focus on food day and night and also creatively make your life work. The food obsession crowds out the critical faculties required to carry out the adult activity of making your life work. Ending the food obsession is part of the larger life cycle struggle to achieve and maintain your independence and adulthood. Being an adult means you are running your own show.
As I wrote in my last posting, the process of maturing and emancipating yourself from food is critical to achieving this goal. These transitions happen in little ways, but these little ways build until one day there is a clear shift in your life. Your mind opens up, and you are finally in a position to decide what to eat, and when to eat. And soon, maybe not exactly tomorrow, but
soon, you can watch the food obsession retreat into another room, one with a locked door.
There's nothing quite like living with full consciousness. When the food obsession ends, your brain will no longer be foggy, or half-knowing. The eating part of your life will calm down,
the drama will end, and a whole future of discovery will beckon.
Being a fully functioning adult, living a focused intentional life, and taking care of other parts of your life is the reward you get when you break the food obsession and achieve clarity of mind.
Becoming an independent adult is a scary thing for everyone in some way or another.
What do you think you are afraid of?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 6:21:04 PM | 13 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2010
HEAD TRANSPLANT CURES WEIGHT PROBLEM
That’s what a patient told me the other day.
“I feel like I have had a head transplant. My cravings are gone, my obsession with food and weight which I have had for over thirty years, is gone. I have such mental clarity now, I can’t believe the fog I have been living in all these years. And I am losing weight without even trying, and I'm not even dieting.”
Did she have a head transplant? Not exactly, but she was "cured" of her obsession with food, and when relieved from the burden of that preoccupation, her mind expanded instead of her waistline.
I have been talking about this for years in my book and in the Shrink Yourself program. The weight problem, the reason most people come to our site, can only be mastered AFTER the obsession with food is gone. I have hesitated to call this a “cure” because everyone is not cured at the same rate. However, for those who are rid of their obsession with food, it seems like a miracle, it feels like a head transplant.
[more]
I was surprised when three years ago I first heard members of the Shrink Yourself program write in spontaneous messages saying that around the fifth session a miracle happened to them. Their craving went away... just like that! They didn’t tell themselves to stop craving, which of course wouldn’t have made any difference anyway. They didn’t have a will power battle with themselves and achieve a temporary win. No, they said their cravings just disappeared. All of a sudden, after decades of struggle, they appeared to be "cured."
How does this happen? Here’s what I can tell you for sure. The miracle moment when the cravings disappear is an unconscious phenomenon that tells us that the brain has been reprogrammed. It didn’t just happen on it's own. It happened because the Shrink Yourself member and my patients were on a serious quest to figure out why food had become such an important part of their mental and emotional life.
Everyone who has succeeded in this way immersed themselves in the quest, and struggled with the issues I have described in my last series of blogs; frustration with marriage or a relationship, guilt and anger, defiant eating, and self doubts, and all the other issues that make up a dynamic life. In each struggle they gained an insight that proved to them over and over again that overeating and bingeing don’t resolve the pain of life problems. In fact, that behavior feeds a foggy mind, a brain that is in a state of half-knowing, and half-not wanting to know.
The immersion is important. Little bits of insight accumulate. Parts of the brain get reprogrammed at a time. It all leads to a “cure” that can take place in 5 weeks for some or 5 months for others. But when it happens, it feels like magic, something most people who struggle with compulsive eating or food obsession can’t even imagine happening.
Can you imagine what it would be like to be "cured" of your food obsession?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 4:49:16 PM | 12 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010
When you hurt too much, you eat too much.
I have described in the last several blogs how rebellion, self doubt, marriage, guilt, and perfectionism can cause you to overeat and or binge. I have said it before, ANY life frustration can be the trigger that makes you eat too much. And what makes you eat too much one day will be different than what makes you eat too much on another day. This can be disappointing if you are hoping to find and fix that ONE trigger that explains it all.
But if you look closer at yourself there IS something that ties it all together. It is not out there where things happen to you. It is inside you. The common denominator is the way YOUR mind and body responds to the frustrating triggers of a complex life.
[more]
On bad eating days, those days when you have an overwhelming desire to binge or eat too much, you are really "hurting too much" and you don’t believe you can bear the pain. It's not the source of the problem that makes you overeat, its the pain you feel when you think about what's bothering you.
Why are some days good food days, and other bad food days?
The same frustrations that you might have been able to work through on one day, may feel very different on another day. It is likely that you are a very sensitive and caring person, so that things bother you on a deeper level than most other people. When too many negative things happen at once, particularly when you are tired and overworked, your sensitivity to being hurt increases and you feel more vulnerable. Some part of you rings the emergency signal because you feel flooded or overwhelmed, and anticipate being even more hurt and more overwhelmed.
Your out of control cravings are actually emergency reflexes.
You believe you have to eat to avoid some emotional disaster. You have to scale down the hurt by shutting down your mind. That’s why some people report that they eat themselves into oblivion, and continue to eat even if they are painfully full because they must get out of themselves into another mental world. It’s not much different than getting drunk.
Unless you change this pattern, you won’t be able to control your eating. “Emergencies” will always trump your best intentions, and it’s only a matter of time until you just give up in the face of this mysterious other part of you that clicks in and takes over.
So, how can you change this pattern?
How can you turn off this reflex, which we call the “Hunger Switch”. You can’t turn it off if you are convinced you will hurt so much you can’t bear it. You CAN turn it off, and thousands have, by learning from your own real life experiences that the hurt you are predicting is not at all unbearable, and no more frustrating or impossible to handle than it is on good food days, when you feel in control.
You have to prove to yourself that no disaster will occur if you interrupt this reflex long enough to pause and start thinking about what is bothering you. You have to prove this to yourself, over and over again, until you are absolutely sure that it is true. That’s why in the first month of the Shrink Yourself Program we take you through all the exercises you need to safely experiment and discover for yourself that your "emergency" predictions have been erroneous.
Think of it as like recovering from knee surgery. It's painful to start stretching and walking at first, and becomes easier until you have recovered your full function at which time there is no pain at all. And that may sound easy compared to what I am about to ask you to consider...
When you are feeling hurt and overwhelmed and your "Hunger Switch" is turned on, what emotional disaster are you predicting when you grab for food to shut down your mind?
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 12:41:58 PM | 26 COMMENTS
SATURDAY, MAY 15, 2010
Doubting Doubts can make you Thin!
Last week I wrote that doubts make you eat too much. This week I am going to let those who responded tell you a little bit more about the struggle with self doubt in their own words. I will comment on each to shine a light on what I see in what is said. This blog is a little long because I decided that each response represented a different point of struggle, and I wanted you, the reader, to find something close and familiar to your own struggle.
Everyone struggles with self doubt, but when you have been using emotional eating to run away from your doubts, you have harmed yourself in ways that you could not have anticipated. When you run away from self doubts they become stronger and last longer. You will hear that clearly in the quotes below.
What you won't hear so clearly, and what I will comment on next week, is the fact that once you have learned how to deal with your self doubts in a new way, there is a real surprise. You actually release a very exciting part of yourself, a new passion or a new competency or a new attitude toward life. It is really quite wonderful and a big bonus to add to controlling your weight and the end of your obsession with food.
Self doubt is a fascinating, and very difficult part, of the human condition...
[more]
COMMENT: I'd like to start with a success story. Her new perspective of reality is working. She is not perfect, she is not wonder woman, she is a human being.
POST: Overcoming my perfectionism has been a huge step for me and something I continue to work at. These days I'm much more comfy in my skin and not nearly as hard on myself as I used to be, but there are still pockets of self doubt to be addressed, "Bad mother" is a label I gave myself for shouting at the kids a little too often and is one that I have found hard to let go of, as well as a"lazy" label my Dad gave me over 25 years ago, which is a perfect, excuse the pun! label to beat myself up with whenever I feel my house isn't clean enough or I haven't got stuff done. Recently, rather than trying to get more done better, I have been concentrating on the art of self-acceptance, on getting comfy with NOT being perfect, with NOT feeling guilty for shouting at the kids or not getting stuff done. The weird thing is, the more I practice self-acceptance, the more I get done and the calmer I get! Being kind to myself and not beating myself up really seems to make me want to do stuff. I guess it's the old story that we all respond to love better than to hate - the carrot rather than the stick. So my advice is to quit perfectionism - there's no such thing - be kind and loving to yourself instead and if you can accept your "flaws" they really do become less of a problem. I still shout at the kids and wish I didn't, but I don't feel guilty about it, I just see it as A proof I'm human and not perfect and B work in progress - feedback so that I can do better next time, not failure!
COMMENT: Another person discovered and succinctly reported a method we use in the Shrink Yourself Program. Since being overly judgmental is not limited to yourself, you can practice not judging others first, then start to apply it to yourself. It's something everyone can try and benefit from.
POST: There are so many harsh judgments of people all around us all the time for such trivia. It is difficult not to get caught up in it. I am recognizing it now and choosing not to participate. I will not judge others harshly for minor mistakes. This helps me treat myself more kindly too.
COMMENT: This next statement represents the "defeated tone." When you still believe it's important to be perfect, you deny yourself the room you need to doubt your doubts.
POST: So am I getting this correctly. we eat because we are trying to be perfect or because we are trying to control. I definitely say that I eat too much because I doubt that I can follow some really strict plan forever and so why bother?
COMMENT: All the other posts below represent people who are struggling with their self doubts. However they are ahead of the game, because they are learning to recognize them, are hopeful and are open to daily insights.
Notice how powerful self doubts are in controlling one's life and how we continue to misinterpret circumstances to support the old negative labels we have given ourselves. Note how the origin of the self doubt label is tied to specific painful memories in the past and how hard it is to let go of them. It is very important to live in the present and continue to re-fresh your perspective of reality.
POSTS:
As a child I thought I wasn't good enough, and I had a mother who after I did a chore would do it over because I didn't do it right. This self doubt and low self esteem followed to adulthood.
Now still struggling with my self doubts and am I good enough syndrome. As a member of this program it has opened up a lot of feelings and now I can try and deal with them. Thank you for this blog, I really needed to read
my self doubt of whether I am a good enough parent. I wondered if I too had made my kids feel as though they were not good enough by my tendency to expect perfection from myself and others. I think my most apparent self doubt label is that I often feel "unlikeable" and yes, I still struggle with this label and often find situations and examples mostly in the workplace to confirm this self doubt.
Overall I'm a good mom but I ruminate over a couple of mistakes I made years ago. My daughter has moved past it, I have not. It feels like I have these dark spots at the core of who I am and if people knew about them it wouldn't matter what I've done well, they would know that I am a fraud.
I doubt myself every day I am a true perfectionist, I have been this way forever and I will continue to struggle. But I will make it!!
We are constantly being bombarded with double messages and doubts so we'll buy more and more to make us 'perfect' as our parents before us bought into it.
No one is perfect, everyone fails at something. No one likes everyone. No one gets it right all the time or is loved all the time. If only our culture was honest instead of trying to 'rob us' blind to fit corporate America's government agendas we'd all feel a lot better about our selves that includes not dieting because you're 5, 10, 20 pounds overweight then putting on another 50 pounds because of the restriction. Good topics.
the answer to self doubt is self love...and not in overeating.
I doubt myself in so many ways- I feel I've screwed up life so many times that I am stuck in doubt that I can make positive and successful changes. I am afraid of making changes for fear I will fall flat on my face again. My mind goes through all the possible horrible outcomes my decisions might have. I really needed to read this today, because it's helping me to see that the only way out of this eating pattern is to start making changes- to address the real reasons I eat.
the bible says, "sow to yourself in righteousness, and reap in mercy---there's more but it's a good idea to love yourself in the " right" way.
I waited until I was 40 for my mother to say she loved me, all my life I was the fat daughter and my sister was the pretty skinny one, my father abused me at 13 and all my life I have had bad relationships, today the self doubt rears its ugly head again when on mothers day, only 1 of my 4 kids came to see me, again I feel that I have failed and so it goes on......when will I be able to forgive myself and be happy, I am nearly 60 years old.......thank you for the opportunity to talk
this is it for me. i doubt myself into oblivion and then find myself needy and helpless because i don’t trust that i can get myself out of a dark situation on my own account. i am not sure when i started doubting myself or what "label" it comes from. i think it is because when i was younger i did drugs and was not as "perfect" as my siblings who are always punctual, cheery, and in shape. it aggravates me just to think that i have never seen either of my siblings show negative emotions. i screwed around as a teenager probably to rebel against the image of perfection that i have always felt was necessary to belong in my family. then two years ago i had cancer. i had to move back home and everyone was lovingly-ish focused on me. in order to live up to their focus i lost myself and moved toward their ideal image of me. in order to justify their concern and emotional investment i felt i needed to become perfect. i did survive cancer wohoo! but changed my entire life to fit their ideas and aspirations for me. no wonder i am not happy in my current life situation! and i still have that perfection part following me. in order to be a part of my family, who are the people that supported me while i was sick,i feel like i need to be perfect. it kills me. i kill me. all while knowing exactly how important and fragile life is. but the good new is- i didnt realize any of this before i began typing and as i frantically write this i feel pounds heavier and much more wise.......thanks Dr. Gould and the SY blog. insight will release us.
the word "fraud" and that resonated in me instantly. I am constantly doubting that I have the right to be where I am - career-wise in particular. I look around me and assume that my colleagues are all so much smarter than me, and better than me in what we do. Years of being told by my mother, in fits of rage, that I was stupid, no good, won't amount to anything sank in. They had to. I had no one telling me otherwise. What alarms me is that I can "know" these things, yet not change them ... yet.
The other statements so touch home with me as does this blog - it made me cry to think that since I was a child I have been full of perfectionist tendencies and south doubt/loathing. I see myself as dumb, ugly, fat and a pig. Yet I am much like the woman in the blog. I am 47 years old! Yet the imagery remains. I struggle constantly with realizing I don't have to do everything 'perfectly' I was a straight 'A' student despite a job, family, volunteering yet still felt that way - stuffed it over with food to stop the hurt and for the last 10 years have been trying to figure out how it all fits. I am better now - so much better! Yet still there is this small child hiding inside crying because someone called her a cootie bug, and she thought it was true. Thank you Dr. Gould. I needed this more than I needed a diet!
Am I bad person, but it makes me feel better knowing what are other people doubts? Obviously, I have plenty of self doubts myself, but main one is whether I am lovable. Since childhood I never had anyone expressing that they care about me. They all did, but in their own way, it has rarely been simple "How are you?". As long as I was fed, I was meant to be ok. Therefore, simple caring scares me, I remember I got really panicky once, when I felt someone honestly caring about HOW I AM. I guess that's why I always doubt, whether I'm worth loving, especially by opposite sex. I fancy someone and then I find millions of reasons, why I'm not good enough: too fat, too boring, too serious etc. Or if things start moving forward, I find reasons to convince myself, that he doesn't really like me that much and there is no point of continuing as it's going to hurt much more later on. Then I end up feeling lonely and still longing to be loved. I try to convince myself that I'm wrong, but I still have that horrible feeling inside me. I'm simply lost.
I believe Jesus has forgiven me because He forgives so many others who have done so much more than I have. But can I find a Christian man who, being human and imperfect, will ignore my past and focus on the caring, loving, sympathetic Christian that others say I am today and who I don't believe!??? If I can't, then I am doomed to live my life alone or settle for somebody who isn't good enough for me, thus ensuring a life of unhappiness. How to erase my parents' tapes in my mind? The taunts of mean kids growing up? Mistakes I made due to being raised wrong, critically, and abused? Why do I always blame myself for everything when I was a child and not even able to defend myself or control my situation? Shouldn't I think myself fantastic just because I survived it all?!?!?!?! Where is the most self-doubt located: in "Me The Adult" OR "Me The Child"???? If I heal the child, will the adult be healed also? I have a great therapist, but the more I discover, the more I hurt sometimes! But I am staying away from the food with the help of my church.
.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 12:18:51 AM | 4 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, MAY 07, 2010
It's doubt that makes you eat too much
In the last few blogs I ‘ve tried to illustrate the various major themes underlying the emotional eating pattern, which as you know, I believe is the biggest single cause of obesity. We looked at how marriage makes you eat, then how defiance and rebellion makes you eat. Today I want to write about how doubt makes you eat.
Of course none of these actually MAKE you eat. Instead, each of them tempt you to respond by eating because each in their own way make you feel temporarily powerless. And Overeating temporarily relieves you of that awful feeling.
The doubt I am talking about is not doubt about whether something is true or not. It is not doubt about another person’s motives or interests. It is not doubt about how the world works or whether god exists. It’s doubt about your own self worth.
[more]
What is it we doubt about ourselves?
We doubt whether we are good enough; whether we are a fake or not; whether we love enough; whether we are smart enough, or pretty enough, or strong enough, or perfect, or talented, or ambitious enough; or kind enough, or too jealous or too competitive, or not a good enough daughter or sister. There is no end to this list.
When we doubt ourselves, we are measuring ourselves, and comparing ourselves to some standard. The standard we use is the critical factor that divides self doubt into two halves. One half is good useful doubt. The other half is destructive and corrosive self doubt. Good doubt does not make you eat. Destructive doubt makes you eat because, if you are an emotional eater, you don’t know any other way to get away from its hold on you.
Good doubt is helpful because the standard that is used is based in reality. It is time limited, temporary and reasonable. It serves a good purpose. It’s okay to watch and measure yourself as a serious student, or a good enough mother or a kind enough person. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and becoming better at something by recognizing you could do more or put in more effort is a healthy way to approach life. Measuring your weaknesses or weak commitments to certain goals and making changes you decide are right for you is a process that takes place in real life. It takes place over time, allows for lapses and sprints, time outs for leisure and fun, the right to change your mind and shift interests, and all the other things that most human beings do as they figure out how to spend their time and energy in life. Good doubt is an essential part of ongoing intelligent decision making.
Bad doubt is exactly the opposite. It is anchored in some station inside your mind that is disconnected from the processes of daily life. Perfectionism captures the essence of the bad doubt that makes you eat. Since it’s impossible to be human and be perfect, perfectionism is an impossible standard to meet. That’s why bad self doubt is so corrosive. It is endless.
In fact, you could almost say that once you have established a deep self doubt based on impossible rigid standards disconnected from reality, that you grow this self doubt every day, and unwittingly strengthen the self doubting, self accusatory part of yourself.
I once treated a woman who had been repeatedly told she was stupid by her father. She was telling me about how she became an accountant, and how that proved to her that she was really stupid. She took night school classes and graduated at the top of her class despite the fact that she was 40 years old, raising a child, working full time in a clerical position, and English was her second language.
I asked her how that success story was evidence that she was stupid? Well, she said, “I am hard of hearing so I had to sit in the front row but I didn’t hear everything the teacher was saying so I may have missed things.” I was stunned. She overcame even another hardship which only further demonstrated her native intelligence and she turned it into false evidence to fit the label her father gave her 35 years before. If she wasn’t perfect, i.e. knew everything the teacher said, then she must be stupid.
If you already have the emotional eating habit, you will have to feed yourself plenty of food to suffocate or stuff down that self doubting, self accusatory voice you hear in your head.
When you eat like that to push away your self doubt, you create a new self doubt to add to the pile. You doubt your will power or your resolve to control your weight. You accuse yourself of all kinds of character defects when the compulsion to drown out one self doubt becomes the next layer of, and evidence for, the self doubt related to your eating and your weight.
This will cascade until you find relief in a new and better way to understand and resolve what is happening to you. I continue to be amazed on how hard we are on ourselves and how painful that is, and how absolutely unnecessary it is. That’s why we spend so much time in the Shrink Yourself program on helping you work on, and work out, your old self doubts.
If you decide to comment on today’s blog, please share with others the self doubt label you acquired sometime in your life, and whether you have mastered it or are still struggling with it.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:14:16 PM | 20 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2010
EMOTIONAL EATING; SCIENCE AND MYSTERY
There is a science about emotional eating and there is a mystery. I have been studying this phenomenon for over 10 years and I continue to find new places to explore.
It's a science because we know that emotional eating is the major cause of weight gain, what emotional eating is, how the mind works to produce emotional eating, and how to correct it. It's a mystery because the act of eating, and the meaning of food and hunger, is part of the psychology of a person’s unique life, current and past.
[more]
Here is one very common example. Many members of ShrinkYourself report graphically about that part of themselves that they know is rebellious when it comes to eating. “ I say I’m not going to eat this and just wait for that rebellious part of me to click in and make me eat.”
They describe their rebellious self in great detail. They don’t just describe, they glorify this part of themself. In a funny way they are proud of it. It’s their stake in the ground, a defiant piece of independence, a statement about who they are at their strongest and most immovable. Hundreds of times I ‘ve heard people say in their most undefended moments, “nobody’s going to take my food away from me.”
No matter how many times I have seen this I still think it is a bit of a mystery. The someone who wants to take food away from you is you. When you decide to take our program or to diet you are saying you want to learn how to eat in moderation and stop using food in excess to deal with emotions. You want to stop the self destructive use of food which is making you miserable and heavy, damaging your life and destroying your health. You are the one who decided to stop this eating pattern because it's in your best interest.
So who are you rebelling against? It’s obvious you are rebelling against yourself. But why would anybody do that? Either you want to control your weight or you don't want to control your weight . The worst position is being stuck between the two, alternating between the two choices, and the two wardrobes.
That's where almost every single member of the ShrinkYourself community starts. They start with an unresolved conflict with themselves. They have to recognize that there are two selves fighting it out with each other with every single food decision.
If we look a little deeper it is clear that one of the selves is rational and lives in the world of today. She wants to lose weight to take care of herself. The other self is the rebellious self that was born somewhere in the past, is outdated, and by all the laws of rationality should not have any voice at all in the present, much less total control.
When I ask members or patients about this rebellious self they often tell me about their personal history. The origin is almost always a rebellion against a parent, most often their mother. They vividly remember their mother constantly harping about their weight during late childhood and adolescence. They did not see their mothers attention to their weight as a loving gesture. Usually they saw it as a rejecting gesture meaning that they were not valued if they were heavy and would only be valued if they were thin and popular.
In response to that interpretation of their mother's intent, they dug in their heels and rebelled and refused to lose weight. Oftentimes they would sneak food to baffle their doctors and confuse their parents who couldn’t understand how they gained weight on the prescribed diet. Since they were ostensibly doing everything possible they should be excused from losing weight because it wasn't in their control, it was just their metabolism. They convinced themselves that they were victims being misunderstood and unfairly treated.
Before we go any further I want to be sure you understand that this is just one of the many origins of the rebellious self. There are many others. Some that started later in life. Some that have nothing to do with a parents obsession with their weight. But more of the origin in future blogs. The present is most important and regardless of the origin, the fact of rebelling against yourself is still a mystery.
But think about this mother-daughter scenario for a moment. This was a relationship that took place decades in the past, sometimes as many as four decades in the past. Oftentimes the mother is no longer alive. And although this may be an accurate description of the psychodynamics of what happened, there is no reason to continue an old battle. It is now a meaningless gesture in the present moment.
What does one do about a conflict like this? It is real,it is palpable, but it takes place in the depths of this information organ called the brain/mind.
Now for the science of insight. It's only insight over time that will help you resolve this conflict.
In last week's blog, I described a woman who conquered her rebellious self. She calmly and clearly decided that she was simply going to lose weight once she was convinced she could master the problems in her relationship without using food to comfort herself or to punish her husband ( insight level number 5, see previous blog). This did not just happen magically. It was the end of a process during which she was immersed in hours and hours of thinking about herself and food and grabbing little insights along the way until it all added up. I also mentioned that this happens very frequently in the Shrink Yourself program for people who spontaneously report that they have suddenly lost their cravings. That's the way the brain works. The brain has multiple processing centers that work individually and every night when you go to sleep your brain works very hard to synthesize what you have learned in these multiple centers. Every morning when you wake up you're a little bit wiser.
We've taken advantage of this in the Shrink Yourself program. We keep you immersed in thinking about emotional eating and your life for 12 weeks through multiple approaches and features so that you can collect hundreds of little insights, sleep on them every night, and let your brain finish the work. All significant learning takes a great deal of time, attention and practice. It's often reported that professional athletes have to spend 10,000 hours of practice before they reached the threshold of professionalism. That means throwing a lot of basketballs and hitting a lot of baseballs and running a lot of sprints.
So although the emotional eating issue is complex and the rebellion against yourself very personal, there is a scientific method that can deal with that complexity if you are willing to learn.
In future blogs I will describe other mysteries that you can think about, sleep on, and let your brain digest to make you a bit wiser the next day.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 2:15:23 PM | 10 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 23, 2010
FULL FROM THE INSIDE
I was talking to a patient today who had been struggling with her weight for decades. She had come to see me about other issues, but as we continued to work together the issue of weight and the rest of her life were so closely woven together that we couldn’t talk for very long about one without the other.
Today she was a different person. She was calm, self assured, and spoke more slowly with a greater sense of deliberation and self awareness than I have ever seen, or that she herself ever remembers.
[more]
She had crossed a mental threshold and made the mantra we often use in the Shrink Yourself program come to life once again. She was thinking instead of eating. She had incorporated the pause exercise into her moment to moment style of living. She had integrated what she struggled to learn into who she had become. She was being her “best self”, the one with confidence in her own mind as her best friend, that replaced food as her best friend.
I have been around long enough to know this won’t last forever in this pure form. But I also know that once she has made it here, she won’t lose it, and will always be able to come back to it.
What happened, I asked. “ I decided to lose weight. It just happened, and I have not been hungry since then, and I have already lost 4 pounds.”
That’s right, I said. That is the way it happens. All the exercises and thinking work that lead up to this are processed by your brain, and suddenly a new way of looking at food emerges. It seems like magic, but it is not. It is the way the brain learns, and new habits are formed.
Hundreds of Shrink Yourself members have reported this very same experience…suddenly the hunger is gone and their best self emerges.
“I started cleaning my closet and giving away the clothes I would never wear and plan to buy clothes that fit after I lose all the weight I want to lose.”
I can’t tell you how many times I hear the story about the closet. It seems to be what people do as the final step of coming to reality about food in their life.
You look in your closet everyday, and there is the history of your weight fluctuations. Everyday you have to decide what you can wear, what to save in case, and what you hope to wear. The closet is a projection screen for your ambivalence about losing weight, and your fears about never being in control. When you clean out the closet by making decisions about what to discard, it represents your intentions and shows the strength of your conviction to change.
The contrast between the anxious food seeking diet obsessed person and the calm person was so striking, she had to ask herself, ”what have I been doing to myself all these years? “
The answer is too long and complex to elaborate here in the detail it deserves, but let me tell you the principle at work in her, and so many other patients I have treated.
Overeating and starving cycles (being fat or thin), represent the larger struggle of being your own person who is in control of your life and your body; or being your parent’s child who is supposed to be either fat or thin.
We all stay tied to the illusion of being loved and cared for forever (the illusion of safety) by staying connected, one way or another, to our family past. Food and fat is one way to stay connected to the past. We do this well into the adult part of the lifecycle, and slowly let go of this illusion in favor of owning and controlling our life and body by dealing with reality rather than illusion.
When you finally make the “decision” to be in control of your weight, you have made the decision to be an adult who owns her own body and can live fully in reality without using food to connect to the distant past. You have given up the illusion of being protected and safe in some magical way. Instead you have learned to value and rely on your own mature mind to provide real safety by solving problems in daily life.
That’s when you become calm and full from the inside. So full, you don’t need food to fill you up from the outside.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 7:13:24 AM | 5 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 16, 2010
Stuck, Part Two, My Marriage Makes Me Eat
My last blog about emotional eating and being stuck elicited many very interesting comments, so today I would like to use those comments to illustrate some important points about emotional eating. The common theme of four of the commentators was that the frustrations of their marriage was the cause their emotional eating.
[more]
Manxiety said it quite clearly:
This is a light bulb moment. Unfortunately I can't see how to redress emotional problems that are causing the emotional eating. Been married for 44 years and it's OK but not emotionally nourishing. Husband too dominant - I'm too passive. Tried marriage counselling, but in the end have just settled for being content with what I have and making the best of it. Divorce would be too drastic and cruel for all concerned.
I would say to Manxiety:
You have a strategy for adapting to your reality. You have made the important decision of staying in your marriage. But you have not yet settled for being content and if you are still eating to quell your frustrations, you have not accepted your own advice…making the best of it. These are not emotional problems, these are decisions about coping with reality. You haven’t finished your work and your emotional eating is the sign that you a little bit more work to do about your passivity, and possibly more along the lines of the next commentaror, Mrs Kitty.
Mrs Kitty said:
I sympathize with your situation! I, too, am married but eat because I am left out of activities as well as the loop with my husband and stepson. At 50, I hate to start all over again yet, he's a good provider, just unable to comprehend how I am so lonely. I stuffed myself every time they left me home alone while they went out and had fun. Finally, I realized because I had God, I was NEVER alone and focus on Him now instead of punishing/consoling myself with food. You have love inside you that needs to be given. If you choose to stay in the relationship, join/become active in church, help with a charity, walk dogs or pet cats at your local shelter, take up painting or poetry. Let your energy and talents out into the world to be appreciated by many instead of keeping them at home where they are underappreciated by one! We're cheering you on!
I would say to Mrs. Kitty:
That’s the right attitude. If you are lonely, you can find many more things to do with your time and readiness to connect to people than waiting in frustration to be filled up by your husband, or your husband substitute…stuffed in food.
shirley61 said:
I can relate to this article, I have been married for 36 years but we do have a lot in common. That has never been a problem. He has more energy than I do sometimes and he doesn't know how to relax. So I get upset when he wants to go go go and I want to relax and read or exercise. I have some medical issues and one thing I have to do is exercise. So I turn to eating when I get frustrated. He is a very busy person with his job and he also works in our home. So his job is always facing him at home. So to keep me company I eat. I just started this program in March/2010 and I can already see how I am stuffing my emotions. I also worry about him so that makes me want to eat. We do have outside interests of boating, skiing etc. We are also in a situation of caring for my dad who is 92 and his mom who is 83. His mom lives 5 hours away and my day lives in Florida. We are both from Canada. We have alot on our plates but he seems to handle food better and stress better than me.
I would say to Shirley 61:
That eating to keep yourself company is one of the worst ways to deal with the frustrations of loneliness, and the differences in style and temperament between you and your husband. The frustrations of your marriage are challenges to deal with creatively in the realm of reality. Eating to keep yourself company is creating false comfort in the confining world of inner reality where no creative solutions can occur. In this area of your life you have to live in the world around you, not inside you.
jstango said:
When I was divorced, the weight fell off. I grieved but I did it out loud - no reason to eat to hide it. I'm married again this time husband not abusive but I am choosing to impose some of the same mental limitations I had in my first marriage. Our relationship is not perfect, he hates to talk, we struggle to communicate but I, like the rest of you, know there is no perfect relationship out there. I need to figure out how to live out loud even when I am a wife.
I would say to jstango:
Thank you for illustrating the one major point I had hoped to make. Yes there are frustrations in marriage, and in life, and they are inevitable. A successful life means you creatively adapt to your reality, and turn every frustration into what it is, a challenge to be dealt with. But when it really comes down to the final act of adapting and coming to peace with frustrations, it is something about yourself that you have to change. And it’s almost always a piece of personal development, some unfinished piece of work left over from your childhood. For you it is figuring out how to “live out loud”. For Manxiety is was how to stop being “too passive.” For Shirly 61 and MrsKitty it was taking responsibility of staying connected to people without waiting for one person to fill you up.
Thank you all for your comments. More next week.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 6:55:46 AM | 12 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 09, 2010
The Link Between Being Stuck and Losing Weight
Ninety-five percent of dieters gain their weight back. This discouraging statistic prompted the beginning of a group called the National Weight Control Registry. They became interested in determining what brought success to that 5% of people who are able to lose weight and keep it off. What they've found was that the people that kept the weight off didn't just change their eating patterns, they changed their life in some way.
Perhaps you know someone who has lost weight and kept it off. When you inquired into how they succeed you might have heard them say something like this:
[more]
I was going through menopause and didn't want to go into the next part of my life as a heavy person.
I was ready to start having fun in my life.
It was time to get my career into high gear.
I was going through a divorce.
It's time to stop being so afraid of rejection.
I lost someone dear to me and realized it was time to take care of myself.
I was ready to own my own sexuality.
The place where they were stuck wasn't just related to their weight, it was related to some aspect of their life. When you are stuck you’re emotionally hungry. The people who have dieted successfully got fed up with being emotionally hungry. By dealing with the underlying issues that fueled their emotional hunger they were able to turn off their hunger switch. Their physical hunger became manageable and they were able to adhere to a sensible eating plan and lose weight, and keep it off with no dieting. This didn't happen all at once. They had to learn how to turn off their emotional hunger switch. They had to contend with the reality that it wasn't just that they felt emotionally hungry. It was that they felt powerless to do anything about their emotional hunger. They didn't believe that they could effect any change in the parts of their lives that were unsatisfying. They had to prove to themselves that wasn't true, that they weren't powerless.
In an Internet study we conducted last year with 7500 people we determined that there is a strong relationship between being overweight and feeling stuck. For roughly two thirds of serious dieters, going on a diet was part of their attempt to do something positive about their life. A way to get unstuck, so to speak.
If you feel stuck in life, you are not alone. 28 million people in this country are on antidepressants. Most of them are on medication for sub-clinical depression which means they're not mentally ill, they are dissatisfied with their life. What are the areas where you feel stuck in your life?
Being stuck is like having one foot on the gas pedal and another on the break. Your foot is on the gas pedal because you desperately want to go somewhere, that's somewhere in the future where it feels like your life will to be on track. Your foot is on the break because you're afraid.
Emotional hunger is there to indicate where you need to make a change. When a person eats because emotional hunger is too uncomfortable they disable their body’s internal guidance system. They no longer have an inner compass leading them toward the things they want or leading them away from the things they don't want. Once this happens they are more likely to stay stuck. For example one of our online users has a husband who works nights. He was home for the first night in awhile and was watching baseball. She felt emotionally hungry. Her hunger switch got turned on and she felt like she wanted to go to the fridge and binge. But she stopped herself and paused. She thought I could say something stupid like, “you never spent any time with me.” But she didn't. She thought things through. She realized what feeling was fueling her emotional hunger and instead she said, “I miss you. “ Her husband turned off the TV. She was able to get unstuck in her relationship with her husband by being honest with her feelings. When she did that she could see that even if she ate everything in the fridge it couldn't have filled the space of wanting to connect with her husband.
Be honest with yourself. Are you ready to get unstuck? Take your foot off the brake and you will begin to go forward. Once you're moving you can steer yourself where you want to go. The way to take your foot off the brake is to break the emotional eating habit.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:07:17 PM | 14 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 02, 2010
How To Feed Insights To The Mind
I think I have established clearly in previous blogs that there is a known pathway to break the emotional eating habit. It requires you to march through 10 specific insight steps, one by one, until you convince yourself, by your own experience, that you can handle whatever is stirring in your mind without using food as a form of medication.
It's easy for me to describe each of the insights. It is probably clear to you what each means. But understanding them is not the same as putting them into practice.
So how do we help you convert an intellectual understanding of the insights you need to an actual real-life experience that can serve you well for the rest of your life?
Click here for the 10 Insights.
[more]
Think of it as a massive attitude change. If you are an emotional eater your working attitude is that food is a medication that is absolutely essential for your emotional equilibrium. The attitude change you want to arrive at is that food is simply food to be used for health and enjoyment.
Have you ever changed your attitude in a big way before?
Of course you have although you may not have thought about it in this way. There was a time when you worshipped your parents as gods who would protect you for a lifetime from all harm. You were totally dependent on them for your safety, which meant that you would never really have to take care of yourself. When you were eight or nine years old you thought that members of the opposite sex were weird creatures you could not imagine having babies with. Those are just two of the massive attitude changes that everybody goes through.
It’s hard to remember exactly how you felt before these attitude changes. The same will be true for your attitude toward emotional eating once you reach your goal. You will look back and hardly believe that you considered food, overeating, or binging as an essential way of maintaining your emotional equilibrium.
The technique we use to help move from an intellectual understanding of each of the ten insights into a life experience you can trust is simply to ask you to pause at the critical moment that you are feeling a strong urge to eat in response to an emotional stimuli. The pause gives you a moment to reflect. If you don't pause but simply respond to the urge there is no opportunity for insight because the thinking in your mind is shut down. The pause must take place in the midst of a strong urge in order to have a corrective experience that retrains your brain.
When you pause you will be in touch with what is being stirred up inside your mind. I can tell you that whatever it is you will be able to handle it. If you are an emotional eater you do not believe me. What you need is evidence that you can rely on. That can only come from your own experience.
What we do is we take you through the exercises in the Shrink Yourself program that allow you to gather your own evidence based on your own observations. You have to experience that you can handle whatever is coming up in your mind or in your life. You have to re-learn this is true many times before you will be confident enough in your new skills.
That's why the sequence of the 10 insights is important. You have to rebuild your confidence on a strong foundation. You have to prove to yourself that you have a strong, capable adult mind before you can let go of food as a safety valve.
So what is being stirred up in your mind that is so disturbing that you want to hide in food rather than understand and deal with the messages your brain wants to deliver to you?
The range of issues that can trigger an emotional eating episode is vast but most people have a limited and familiar personal list. That makes the task of learning how to cope with these things much more manageable.
Sometimes it's the feelings and thoughts that remind you of a difficult life problem that you don't want to face or have been facing but don't know what to do.
At other times it may be your perfectionism. There is a critic inside that can be harsh and persistent and you don't know how to effectively talk back to that part of yourself.
Sometimes it's not a problem or your critic but simply a feeling that is emotionally loaded because of your past life. Your sore spot might be that you're feeling misunderstood or unappreciated or overworked or being controlled by someone at work or at home. When those contemporary experiences ignite a painful relationship experience from the past, this threatens to flood you with confusion, and you turn to food to shut down your mind.
Whether it's a problem, your critic, or a sore spot, you can learn better ways of handling it than shutting down your mind with food.
That's the lesson that you have to totally absorb and integrate into your life experience in order to end emotional eating and control your weight.
There is no quick cure. Making a large attitude change requires time and effort. All we can offer you is a map of how to get there and exercises designed to help you have the critical experiences you need to get there as fast and as surely as possible.
Click here for the 10 Insights.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:11:23 PM | 3 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 2010
FEED THE MIND INSIGHTS INSTEAD OF FOOD
It is so painful to watch people struggle in their attempts to break the emotional eating habit. I wish I had a quick and easy solution like a pill or a mantra, or a simple just –do- this formula and everything will be okay. Everyone who suffers from this kind of addiction to food as relief or reward works hard to break it, but almost always fails no matter how hard they try because they are having the wrong conversation with themselves. They are talking to themselves about food, calories, programs, will power and self loathing when they binge or fail to lose weight. What they should be talking to themselves about is the problems in living they are avoiding or denying when they use food to close down their mind.
[more]
The theme of these recent blog session is feeding your mind with food. That means you use food to interrupt your mental conversations with yourself because you are avoiding something, That means you will always eat too much because there is always something to worry about. If you would simply eat an apple a day’s worth of calories more than you need, you will gain twelve pounds a year.
That’s why all diets will eventually fail.
The question is how can I help you get from the wrong but familiar repetitive non-productive conversation you are having with yourself about your weight to the correct and productive conversation you must have with yourself in order to break the emotional eating mindset?
The answer is insight. Insight sounds vague, but it is the most powerful tool the mind has to work with. You have first hand knowledge of the power of insight. You’ve undoubtedly had flashes of insight that have shifted your attitude, changed your behavior and opened up new pathways as you go through the life cycle. Insights are what help us understand and interpret reality in a more accurate way. When we have the insight that we have misunderstood our spouse on an important matter, we can apologize and make some reparations for our error and avoid repeating it in the future. The meaning of what our spouse did or did not do is changed because of that insight when we recognize that he or she wasn’t thinking what we thought they were thinking.
The insights about weight control you need are those that help you correct the profound misunderstanding that inhabits your mind that food is not really food but a form of medication to be used to soothe and shut down the thinking mind.
If you follow my line of thinking, then we've established that the cure for weight control is a psychological cure, and the medicine we use for a psychological problem is insight. If we feed the mind the right insight instead of food, we can help you switch from the wrong conversation you are having with yourself to the right one. Then you can get off the yo-yo dieting merry go round and really take control.
In my last several blog postings I have struggled with this question of what are the right insights and how should they be sequences for the best result. There is an insight pathway from food controls me ( the starting point of all emotional eating); to the cure, food is only use food, to be enjoyed and used for essential healthy sustenance.
There are ten specific insights that have to be learned in sequence in order to reach that goal. Instead of repeating those ten here, click here.
These are the insights that are sprinkled throughout the Shrink Yourself program and my book Shrink Yourself. I think that the new clarity about this pathway will be immediately useful to you. I encourage you to identify where you are on this pathway.
Let me know if this helps as much as I think it will.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 3:00:10 PM | 7 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, MARCH 19, 2010
FEEDING THE MIND: TEN INSIGHTS REQUIRED TO BREAK THE EMOTIONAL EATING HABIT
I’m going to continue talking about the stages one has to go through to be cured of the destructive emotional eating habit, and I will continue to use the comments to the last blog to illustrate what I have to say.
First, I want to remind you that the cure for emotional eating is a psychological cure, and the medicine we use to cure the mind is insight. As I outline the ten essential, and sequential, insights you need to be cured, I want to remind you of the major common sense principle one has to embrace first as the “truth”. If this is not accepted or acceptable, nothing else I have to say will be of any help. This is the only framework that I know that works. Here’s what I said last week:
Here is the ten step insight path from food controls me; to I control my life and my weight.
[more]
- I start with the conviction that my urges are too strong — nothing will ever work. I will try again, but I am ready to quit at any time. But others have made this journey, maybe I can.
Sarah represents this starting point when she commented last week, "Your article certainly rings true with me. My problem is that if I want to eat then I must eat. I get massive cravings for crisps, buscuits, chocolates, sandwiches, alcohol, coffee, chips and I just can't say 'no', I know that this sounds like a joke but it isn't. If I get a craving for crisps or chocolate or anything then I will HAVE to have it there and then. There is no stopping me. I can't be shamed out of it. I will eat regardless of where I am or who is watching me. I have no shame but I loathe myself and hate myself and get annoyed at myself for it. Afterwards I beat myself up wondering why I can't stop myself and what is making me do it."
Many others have described their overpowering urges as if there was another person inside of them taking control, making them as powerless as Sarah describes. This is a real feeling, but if you open up your mind a bit, the insight that will help you is; maybe this other person inside of me is me, and it is knowable, not forever hidden from view.
- I need to eat the way I eat. Don't take it away from me prematurely. It’s too dangerous to learn more about why I need food to control my thoughts and emotions. I might understand what is happening and start moving out of my stuck position. But maybe that is good, not dangerous.
The mtn bike girl said, "I found this article very helpful. I’m starting week 3 and am realizing that I too have been using food to avoid difficult thoughts and feelings. However, as I write these things down, they don’t seem as insurmountable as I had thought they were. In total, they are pretty significant issues, but one at a time, they look manageable. I have been very hard on myself, blaming myself for not having any self-control but now I realize that the problems I’m struggling with are real. I’ve just been using ineffective coping strategies."
- Now I see clearly why I need food to control my emotions -- I'm willing to question these reasons and look for alternative ways of coping.
Ben said, "Thank you for the thought provoking article. I often use food to numb physical pain minor arthritis. Often I resort to food once Im tired of trying to address the cause of the pain or I begin to beleive that I'm stuck forever with it. However, the article has helped, if for nothing else, because it has reminded me again and made aware of my relationship to food. I know there are better ways to cope and maybe even a solution. Thank you."
- Maybe I am not so powerless in life that only food can comfort me.
Keri said, "Dear Dr.Gould, I was the second commentator in your last blog. I have read and re-read your comments as they have struck me hard. You are right about thinking itself not being painfulit is dealing with the thoughts and decisions that I might have to make. I am stuck at the stage of binge eating to numb the pain of possible changes in my life. The indecision and procrastination and the feeling that I will never get what I might need or want are keeping me fat and miserable.what a sorry state to be in. I must try to deal with this.thank you."
- I am confident I can pause and then think instead of eat, but then I need help dealing with my problems.
This is where we want you to be at the end of the first four weeks of Shrink Yourself. You can’t be here 24 hours a day, but at least most of the time. When you are here, then the next four weeks of the program will work, and you could benefit immensely by looking at our companion program, My Virtual Shrink, because it focuses totally and comprehensively on problems in living and helps you answer the three most important questions:
The next five insights are relatively easy to learn compared to these first five. It takes concentration and effort, but you are on the downslope after you have done the arduous climb up the first five insights. When you are here, you are already in control, and not so afraid to face the challenges of your life or your feelings because you have been reconnected with the most intelligent part of your mind again. You are absolutely certain there is no other overpowering presence in your mind that makes you eat too much.
- I'm learning how to face and solve my problems without using food as a safety net.
Liz said, "Great articles. I am a life long dieter and have hit an uncomfortable high weight again! I am emotionally mature enough at the age of 30 to realize I am past step one and am working on using my mind, to stay present, to think through the problems that come my way. I'm looking forward to see what comes next."
- I am now strong enough in my ability to face problems that I can face my inner critic as well as those in my life that trigger this critic.
Margaret said, "What struck me is our connectedness of emotions, thoughts and body. When I first read your comment that eating soothes the pain of our thoughts, my first reaction was a defensive "no." But as I considered what really happens inside of me, I realized eating does not soothe the pain of my feelings but it drowns out the noise of my critical and negative voice inside of me...It was an 'aha' moment-- so thank you! Understanding that my way of operating was to make food choices, then my inner voice berates me. This is the space where my inner pain comes from, not from the food itself, not from my choices, but from what I say about those choices. This awareness has potential for some self- healing I do believe."
- I am so good at facing my problems and my critic I don't need food to help me avoid or deny reality.
- I'm so strong now I can look at the deeper reasons I may have sabotaged myself in the past.
- I am so confident in my new skills and perspective that a bad food day doesn't scare me. It's just an opportunity to understand what is being stirred up inside me.
WHEN YOU GET TO THE TENTH INSIGHT STEP YOU ARE CURED FOR LIFE.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 4:19:58 PM | 6 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 2010
FEEDING FOOD TO THE MIND: STAGES ONE AND TWO
This is the second blog in the series about Feeding Your Mind with Food. I intended to write a different story today but the responses to the last blog were so informative that I thought it would be more enlightening to tell the story through those thirteen comments. This new story is about the stages one has to go through to break the emotional eating habit.
[more]
The very first comment surprised me. She thought what I said was quite harsh, like a parent scolding her in some way. She said “it reminds me of my parents telling me off for overeating when I was little.” That was not my intention but I understand why she said that after reading the other comments and reflecting on what she said when she identified herself as someone just starting to deal with the emotional eating issue. It was too harsh for her at that early stage.
At the beginning stage, when there is just enough awareness to recognize there must be an emotional component to your weight problem, anything you learn that makes you think about it more deeply and personally, seems like an assault upon you. It feels like just one more person lecturing you, trying to talk you out of your eating habits by shame or logic or some other shenanigans. Someone who talks straight to you is just another insensitive and over controlling parent who doesn’t really care about you. This is especially true if the weight problem started early in life and was entangled in the family dynamics of that period. The sensitivity to what others say about your eating habits is at it’s highest.
The other 12 responses were from people in stages further along, and as luck with have it, the second response also represented the second stage. That person said “the description is so true. Eating does numb the mind and take away the pain of thinking.”
This statement represents an acceptance and understanding of the basic, and incontrovertible facts about emotional eating. Paraphrasing this blog theme, eating feeds the mind a numbing substance that takes away the pain of thinking.
If I could boil down what I said in the first blog, my book, and the ShrinkYourself program to its simplest set of incontrovertible facts, it would be the following. There is a reality. Life is complex. You have the intelligence to deal with it, and you must deal with it. You are better off dealing with reality by using the most intelligent part of your mind. Using food to numb the mind in order take away the pain of thinking means you are shutting off the most intelligent part of your mind, and that is almost always costly, and causes unnecessary pain and suffering.
The first commentator didn’t like that message. It was too harsh, I suspect, but of course do not know, because she still believes that she must continue to use food to shut off her thinking mind. If she didn’t do that, her emotions might overwhelm her. She was protecting herself from the same danger that others at a later stage in the journey of healing have clearly discovered and proved to themselves is simply not a real danger.
There are steps and stages on the journey to end out-of - control emotional eating. Everyone is an emotional eater to some degree, it is built into our upbringing. It’s the habitual or compulsive part of that pattern that is unhealthy, not the occasional indulgence.
So, if the first stage is, “I don’t want to hear this message about using my intelligence to deal with reality”, then the second stage is captured in the line of the second commentator who says, “food takes away the pain of thinking.” That caught my attention…”the pain of thinking.” I have always enjoyed the practice of psychiatry because of the sheer pleasure of sitting down with someone and helping them think clearly about what was bothering them. The thinking part was not painful for either me or my patients because it was productive and useful. Certainly there were painful things to confront and painful memories to deal with and over the years I bought a truckload of Kleenex, but the act of thinking itself was not painful.
If food is still considered as useful to dull the pain of thinking, then we have a way of describing the goal of the next stage in this healing process. In order to break free, you have to employ and enjoy the best parts of your intelligent mind, and that means, you have to start down that path by not being afraid to think about whatever is bothering you.
There are many more comments to the first post to discuss, and I will continue those next week, but let me illustrate this last point about being afraid to think about what is bothering you. One of the comments was about something that I have heard so many times before. A woman was wondering whether to be skinny means she will leave an unsatisfying relationship. Her weight goes up and down and she is afraid to become “skinny”. What that says to me is she is afraid to make up her mind, which means thinking through her dilemma, and coming to a decision, and being responsible for her decision. Instead she is in a gambling mode, waiting to see what card comes up for her. If she has a bad eating day, that means she is going to stay or at least that she is too afraid to leave. If she has a good eating day, that means she is going to leave the relationship. That is an unproductive way to make an important life course decision. It reflects her ambivalence, but it also keeps her stuck, because she can’t use the most intelligent part of her mind to either fix the relationship, or find a way to stay, or find a way to leave…all of which she is working on indirectly but in a fragmented way that leads no place.
That’s how life and eating and thinking, or not thinking, all work together on a daily basis if food is used to feed a dulling substance to the mind
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 2:44:48 PM | 12 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, MARCH 05, 2010
FEEDING THE MIND
I’m going to use this blog each week to tell, and retell, just one simple story, and that is how the mind feeds itself on food. Here’s the first version.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, a patient said to me, “You know, there are good food days and bad food days.” As usual, I asked the obvious question. “What’s the difference?”
“Well, on good food days, I know exactly what to eat, and I enjoy eating healthy. Not too much, but enough to feel satisfied, and I don’t feel guilty.”
And bad food days? “That’s when I don’t want to do that. I want my reward. I am too stressed out.”
So, you know how to eat healthy and you can enjoy it but some days you just don’t want to do it, and on those days you are feeding your mind, not your body. “Yes, I am feeding myself a drug.”
[more]
That’s the beginning of everyone’s story who has trouble controlling their weight. On certain days you are convinced that you have to feed your mind, and you feel like you don’t have any choice about it (powerless), and in fact, you want to do it even though you know, quite well, you will beat yourself up for doing it within hours.
My patient actually had 30 good food days in a row before a bad day just appeared, for no apparent reason. For 30 days her husband of two decades was treating her surprisingly well and she thought that finally all the work they did together was paying off.
She didn't know why she was having a few bad food days. Everything was going so well, wasn't it? Yes, they were but she didn't want to see some early warning signs that his mood was changing. She wanted to stay in her bubble a little longer. Feeding her mind helped her do that.
Her bad eating days kept her preoccupied with food and guilt and kept her from seeing the pieces of reality that she did not want to deal with. Because she didn’t want to see the early warning signs of his mood change, she didn’t do what she needed to do to avoid a blowup, and when it came, she felt furious and betrayed. She paid a big price for her short-term reprieve from reality.
That’s the first version of how the mind feeds on food. When you want to deny or avoid an uncomfortable reality, you can temporarily shut down the most intelligent part of your mind, by feeding yourself food, and staying preoccupied with the guilt about eating too much. It works, but it costs a lot.
It took my patient quite a while to realize that her anger at being betrayed by his mood change should not be totally directed at him. She was the one who was trying to live inside the illusion that all the ups and downs in the relationship had magically gone away. She was the one who didn’t want to have to live with the complexity of human relationships. She was the one who might have managed the changing mood, if she would let herself acknowledge it, and might have avoided the blowup altogether.
If she didn’t dull her considerable intelligence by feeding her mind, her life would work a lot easier, and she wouldn’t have to store her anger in her fat cells.
That’s version one. As we go on you will see that feeding your mind with food serves many purposes and they all are very costly. Feed your body well. But when you feed your mind, it should be with rich thought, not with food.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 7:43:03 AM | 17 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2010
Only Measure Meal by Meal
Are you always judging, critiquing or evaluating yourself? Do you feel like you can never measure up? Do you believe, especially when it comes to food (not to mention other things), you can never get it quite right? If so, you’re not alone.
[more]
We are in report card season right now. My son brought home his mid-year report card last week. Maybe your kids did, too. There were pages and pages of information about how he’s doing in math and reading. Average here, advanced there. Notes about how he’s not always prepared with a pencil at chorus practice. Check minuses to indicate that he doesn’t always want to run the mile at Phys. Ed (who ever did?). And a letter from his teacher about how despite his ability to engage in mature conversations with adults, he sometimes “turns off” his peers. I had to then explain to my son what it means to “turn off” your peers. Not a well-received conversation as you might imagine.
Look, we live in a society where we’re being measured and weighed constantly from the minute we’re born. The first thing that people want to know after a baby is born is how much did he/she weigh. Then, the pediatrician tells us how we’re growing in comparison to other children. Our parents appoint one sibling the smart one, the other the pretty one. And after awhile we get so accustomed to being the subject of evaluation that we inevitably do this to ourselves all day long. “I did a great job on that phone call” or “I just blew it.” We pick up where our parents and teachers left off, measuring ourselves all day long. Liking ourselves when we meet the mark and disliking ourselves when we fall short.
Addictions like alcohol, nicotine or drugs are more black and white. You’re either on them or off them. Our black and white minds like this. It’s easy to measure if we’re doing a good job. Programs to break addictions recommend taking things one day at a time. But with food, it can be so much harder. Even one day at a time can seem like an eternity when a day means three meals and two snacks that you’ve got to get right. It’s no wonder that so many of us throw in the towel after eating something we wish we hadn’t. It’s because it’s just too hard. We’ve set the bar too high. We expect too much.
If you’re trying to overcome a pattern of overeating, you need to offer yourself more realistic expectations. The only way to measure how you’re doing is one meal at a time. Don’t try to beat yourself into submission. Don’t try to bully yourself into eating well for a whole day or a whole week. Simply tell yourself, in the most loving and gentle way, that you only need to make good choices for this meal that’s ahead of you. That makes things manageable. That gives you the chance to succeed. Accept that you’re not going to get it right. There is no perfect report card. And perfection is pretty boring. When you give yourself the chance to be perfectly imperfect, you don’t have to be measured, you just have to try your best for this meal that’s in front of you. And that is something that you CAN do.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 3:43:52 PM | 4 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2010
Self-Acceptance Starts Now!
Do you keep telling yourself that when you lose weight you’ll finally love yourself? Do you think it’s completely acceptable to reject your body in its current state? If you are plagued with thoughts about wishing you looked different, read on.
[more]
A female journalist I know who has written beauty articles for Allure, Glamour and Cosmo said, “I always thought I was just one haircut away from being beautiful. If I could only find the “right” haircut, lipstick or mascara I’d be a different person.” We do the same thing with our weight. If I was just a size (fill in the blank), if I didn’t have cellulite, if I could only lose five, fifteen or fifty pounds I’d finally accept myself. But the goal becomes more and more elusive begging us to chase it to the point of exhaustion. And even if you do arrive, it often doesn’t give you the “good” feeling you were anticipating. That doesn’t mean that being fit and feeling pretty are not acceptable goals to have, it simply means that how you get there probably looks a lot different than you to believe.
I hate to be cynical but the beauty (and diet) industry thrives on you feeling badly about your body. When you’re at your most vulnerable, they’ve got you. You’ll buy anything they’re selling hoping that it’s going to make you feel better about yourself. It won’t. So, if all of that won’t help you feel better, what will? It starts with accepting yourself exactly as you are TODAY. Even if you have wrinkles and even if you have rolls.
It can be all too common to approach dieting and exercise from a place of self-hatred. It’s our negative feelings that propel us to “deprive” ourselves. It’s no wonder that we come to resent taking care of ourselves—we’ve made it into a form of punishment. However, when we accept ourselves, we’re more likely to have the energy required to take loving actions towards our bodies—actions like eating well and exercising. It may seem like semantics but the source of your approach matters.
If you’re wondering how this could be true, I’ll share a simple story with you about my son. We have a friend who always threw him on the bed. It was a big game and brought on fits of laughter. Another friend threw him on the bed once and he started wailing. He didn’t get hurt but he got scared. Instead of playful, this other person was aggressive (on the inside) which the friend later admitted. The action was the same, but not the intent, and that made all the difference.
This change of perspective can sound easier said than done but it is a necessary part of taking care of your body for the rest of your life. This is why dealing with your own self-doubts is a big part of both the Shrink Yourself book and the online program. Some simple ways that you can start accepting yourself now are:
1. Writing down three things you did well each night.
2. Asking your friends or family to share what they love about you.
3. Meditating on a quality that you possess that you love (joy, radiance, intelligence, fun, reliability) and letting that quality flow out of you more freely.
We have the false belief that if we can only change our thinking then we’ll finally be able to change our actions. But it happens in reverse. When we change our actions, our way of thinking inevitably changes. Take loving actions towards yourself and you’ll find yourself accepting yourself more and more. Anything from putting yourself to bed early, to drawing a bath for yourself, to setting a boundary with someone who always elicits bad feelings in you. You are not fifteen pounds from fabulous, you are already fabulous. Self-acceptance starts now!
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:04:54 PM | 5 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2010
If Food Isn’t Love, What Is?
Has food become a substitute for the real love, affection and passion you crave? Did you comfort yourself with food after a relationship ended or someone died? There is a quote from Song of Solomon in the Bible that says, “Comfort me with apples, for I am sick of love.” Since the beginning of time food has been a replacement for the disappointments that love can cause. We know that while food might work as a short-term quick fix, that it can never fill the hole that only love can. If food isn’t love, what is? Keep reading to find out.
[more]
Using food as a substitute for love is so common that I have made it a yearly ritual to write about this phenomenon during Valentine’s week. Even the definition of love is overly simple and even confusing, “an intense feeling of deep affection” which might explain why figuring out what love is and having false substitutes for it are so common.
Many of us are hungry for love. Many of us are hungry for food. Many of us are hungry. Period. The two hungers can get collapsed into one another making them seem as though they are the same thing. One SY member eloquently wrote about this hunger by saying, “I have found that the desirous "monster" is not a monster at all. It's ME. It's my needs and wants and feelings and MUUUUUCH to my surprise, I'm NOT insatiable. I've ignored, denied, decried, sublimated, tabled, mocked, forgotten my needs so frequently that, like a crying baby, what might have been a little whimper has turned into a wail. And so of course I grab at the one thing, the one comfort, the one thing that's all my own: food. I have found, when I stop warring against my "monster" and start to address what it's asking for underneath the cries of food (Be kinder to me! I need a break! I can't take on this much!) the sense of deprivation is at first VERY BIG but there is a point of satiety. Even the most agitated baby won't cry forever if you comfort her long enough. And if you hold and comfort and feed and entertain and bathe and nurture and cherish that baby/baby/woman enough she'll trust you and won't need to act out to get your attention. It just takes time.
This reminds me of a quote by Pierre Reverdy, “There is no love; there are only proofs of love.” It’s not enough to love our selves or the people in our lives. We must communicate that love with loving actions and words. Just like the member above realized that she needed to be kinder to herself, give herself a break or take on less in order to stop relying on food so much, what are the ways in which you can demonstrate proofs of love to yourself and others?
A first step towards ending a pattern of using food as a substitute for love is to realize that overeating or “treating ourselves” is not an act of love but an act of aggression. This small shift in perspective can make us see that the way in which we were trying to soothe and comfort ourselves is actually counterproductive and hurtful. So, if food isn’t love, what is? Here are some quotes from a few of the greats:
"Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed." - John Tarrant
This Valentine’s Day give your attention freely to yourself and others. Put down the computer, the remote, the phone, or the newspaper. Listen to your true feelings instead of feeding them.
"Loves makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston
This Valentine’s Day know yourself, share who you really are and take a risk to reveal yourself. Food keeps you in a hiding place.
“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." Woody Allen
This Valentine’s Day lighten up, laugh it off, and let it go. No matter how confusing love or life might be, if seen through a certain lens, the whole thing can be pretty funny. Take some time to view things with humor. Food might numb the pain and tears, but it also numbs the joy and laughter.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." – Sophocles
This Valentine’s Day, love. Whether your proof of love is taking yourself out for a walk, eating well, laughing it off, forgiving a slight, keeping a criticism to yourself, accepting yourself as you are, buying a book you’ve been wanting to read, being kinder, just do it. Have fun looking for ways to give proofs of love. Notice that the one word that frees us of all the weight and pain of life is not food, but love.
In simple and everyday ways, love. In big and tangible ways, love. In silly ways, love. Simply put, love…love…love.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 8:27:13 AM | 8 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 04, 2010
Codependence Contributes to Overeating
Codependence is defined in many ways. A common definition is being overly focused on other people in a way that inhibits the quality of your life and your relationships. I’ve heard it called being O.P.P. (other people oriented). Another way to think of codependency is people-pleasing, or being a bobble head, saying yes without consideration of your own wants and needs. The concept was originated when mental health workers observed the partners of alcoholics and the ways in which they sacrificed their own health, happiness, and well-being because of someone else’s disease. As human works-in-progress, we are probably all a little bit co-dependent (heck, in our selfish society, some of us could even stand to be a little bit more O.P.P.) however, after working with overeaters for years I can assure you that some of the patterns of codependency contribute to overeating and this is what we’re going to look at today.
[more]
Codependent’s Anonymous defines four patterns of co-dependency. They are denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control (outlined below). For each one, I’m going to write how that particular pattern ties in to overeating. At the end I will give you some simple tools that you can use to combat codependency (and the overeating it can trigger).
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Overeating:
When we’re disconnected from our feelings for too long, any feeling starts to be intolerable. Since food numbs feelings, a pattern of denial can contribute to overeating by insuring that you’ll be distanced from your true feelings. Food stops you from feeling and keeps you in a denial pattern.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Overeating:
When our true needs are not met, food can feel like a quick fix way to fill up. It is an overly simplified way of receiving. Using food in this way defers having to develop the skills to treat ourselves as worthy and lovable, and to trust that we can ask for what we want. Food stops you from sticking up for yourself, and keeps you in a low self-esteem pattern.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Overeating:
Overeating is often a consolation prize for not getting the things we truly want in life. C’mon, if a genie came out of a bottle offering a wish, would you pick a brownie or true love, a cookie or a fulfilling career, a piece of pizza or peace of mind? The answer is clear. Every time we choose food instead of creating a life we love, we’re confirming that we’re not important therefore food keeps a compliance pattern going.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Overeating:
We are worthy of love. Period. We don’t have to do anything to get love. We don’t have to make ourselves indispensable. We just have to be. This simple realization can stop you from busying yourself with everyone else’s needs. And when you do you might have the time to eat well and exercise.
Feelings, our feelings, are important guideposts. If we shut the door on them, whether by being overly focused on others or by overeating, our compass gets stuck. Shrink Yourself helps you to feel again (without fear). Here are some simple ways to start breaking a pattern of codependency and the overeating that it can cause.
1. Use “I” statements. It can be so difficult to own our own feelings. “I feel lonely” instead of “you never spend time with me during football season.”
2. Practice making simple requests. “Can I have a kiss during the commercial break?” instead of “Be more affectionate.”
3. Do a Temperature Check – Check in with yourself. Stop to see how you're feeling in both body, and mind. Use that temperature check to help you use “I” statements and make simple requests (or simply to get some rest when you need it).
Melody Beattie, the Queen of Codependency says, “recovery can be fun.” It can be wonderful to discover who you are and what you really feel, independent of other people.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:34:36 PM | 9 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 2010
3 Ways to Trust Yourself Enough to Lose the Weight
Have your past weight loss failures left you feeling like you’ll never succeed? Have experiences with dieting contributed to your loss of faith or confidence in yourself? Do you feel defeated? Most dieters have feelings of failure that lead to lower self-esteem. Here are three ways to regain your trust in yourself.
[more]
After years of picking up my son at school he undeniably expects me to be there when he steps out of class. Granted, picking up your child on a regular basis is a lot easier (for most of us) than eating what we say we will. Simply put: trust develops when people do what they say they are going to do. Diets set you up to mistrust yourself because you expect that to succeed you must do things perfectly without any margin for error. This is simply impossible. To regain trust follow these three steps.
1. Stop Dieting
This might sound especially difficult to do. Dieting can become an obsession—the never-ending search for the magic quick fix cure. Many of us hold the false belief that without a diet we will gain more weight than ever before. This isn’t true. In fact, most people that gain weight over the years do it after a diet ends. The end of each diet packs on the weight that was lost, plus a little bit more. The other problem with diets is that they give you the false belief that you only have to do them temporarily. That’s a misconception. To lose weight and keep it off for life you must change your lifestyle, not for two weeks, not for two months, not till you lose the weight, but forever. Until we accept this, we will waffle, yo-yo, and continue to start something we have no intention of finishing. And that’s where the trust erodes. So, stop dieting, start creating lifelong change and try Shrink Yourself for 14 Days to help you do that.
2. Grounded
The logical question after giving up dieting is, “What now?” If you’ve dieted for nearly a lifetime, it can be disorienting to entertain the notion of giving it up. But the fact is by now you probably know what to eat. So, simply face each meal, one food choice at a time. To do this, and to do it well you need to stay grounded, to stay in your body. In today’s world this can be very difficult. We are sped up. We are disengaged. We are distracted. Before eating, slow down, breathe, feel your feet on the floor, your butt in the chair. All of this will bring you into the present moment where you get to choose what, and how much you eat. If you’re not grounded, you’re likely to eat mindlessly. When you’re mindless, you’re simply not there, and if you’re not there how can you make a conscious decision. Staying grounded will also help with emotional eating. If you’re present you can tell someone when they’re hurting your feelings instead of sucking it up, and then needing to pacify the feeling later with food. Practice being present in all areas of your life. You can only trust yourself if you’re there.
3. It Takes Time
Trust takes time to build. The more you make new, and different choices, the more you will believe you can. A marathon runner starts out running to the mailbox. The next week, she or he might make it to the corner. And soon enough they’re running a mile. And finally they’re running 26.2. miles all in one day. What starts off as unfathomable becomes doable, but only with time. The runner trusts that they can do it because they prove to themselves that they can. You have to prove to yourself that you can do this. You can eat sensibly without the restrictions of a diet. You can stick up for yourself. You can exercise regularly. Each choice you make builds trust, and with trust, the choices get easier.
4. The Process is as Important as the End Result
Something is changing in our world. Many people have reported that they’ve spent so much of their recent years rushing to get somewhere only to realize that precious moments were squandered along the day. If you’re reading this, one of the end results you probably want is weight loss, and that’s okay. However, each time you make a better food choice, each time you put on your sneakers even when you don’t want to, each time you choose to deal with life’s challenges without using food to numb yourself, you change. It’s these choices that make you grow, evolve, and mature. Sure, the end result might be weight loss but each moment provides you with a chance to know yourself better, to treat yourself more kindly, and to trust yourself for doing what you say you will do.
The end result of all this will be losing weight. That will be terrific but the process of becoming the kind of trustworthy person who can make those kinds of choices will be sublime. Don’t miss it by focusing solely on the finish line.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:14:46 PM | 8 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2010
How to Warm Up Without Food
It’s been freezing in most parts of the country. And even in sunny California it’s been non-stop rain and cold. These are the kinds of days that make us want to nest at home with a big pot of comforting food. If you don’t want the weather to affect your weight, you’ll have to discover ways to get warmth and comfort without food. Keep reading to find out how.
[more]
“Baby, it’s cold outside,” I can hear the words of the song in my head. While it might seem natural to cook up something fattening and delicious and just sit inside to get through these cold days, think again. There are other ways to get warm.
HOT BEVERAGES – Don’t underestimate the comfort of tea. I simply like the feeling of holding a cup of hot water in my hands. Somehow, it dials stress down. You can have fun finding a favorite tea that doesn’t require cream and sugar to be delicious. You can try a cup of hot water with lemon that helps to cleanse and detoxify your body. You can even just drink hot water (I like half boiling water and half room temperature water). My friend and I call it a half and half (and it’s a lot less fattening than the real half and half). Another surprisingly delicious drink is hot water with a sprinkle of cinnamon and a little bit of honey. It has healing properties and tastes really good.
HOT BATHS – I often hear members say that they want to eat before bedtime because it helps them go to sleep. You don’t need food to do this. Just dipping into a hot bath for 5-10 minutes helps raise your body temperature so you effortlessly drift off to sleep.
A HOT WATER BOTTLE OR BUCKWHEAT PILLOW – One of the greatest things I discovered in the past ten years was how a hot water bottle is probably one of the greatest things ever created. It helps with pain and warms you up. Those buckwheat pillows that you pop in the microwave are pretty terrific too but I don’t have a microwave so I’m sticking with my “hottie.” If you’ve never tried either of these, please do. It can provide a comfort that you thought only food could.
EXERCISE – It can be easy to convince ourselves that it’s too wet or cold to go out and exercise, however, learning how to befriend the weather can help with feelings of powerlessness. These days there are so many types of microfiber materials and insulated shoes that you can feel warm no matter what’s going on outside. A short walk in the cold always makes you feel warmer when you come inside.
BODY HEAT – Snuggle under a blanket with your kids and watch a DVD, find your spouse and give them a prolonged embrace or keep your pets close by. Human beings are pack animals. We need other people, and warm bodies do make the cold less intimidating.
Staying warm is a critical human need. Food warms you up for a little bit but then makes you colder as cortisol and insulin levels drop after eating. Explore other ways to stay warm and comforted this winter without food.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 1:21:32 PM | 4 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2010
People, People Who Need People
Barbara Streisand croons, “People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” Simply put, we need people. A brilliant PBS documentary called “This Emotional Life” that was hosted recently by Daniel Gilbert, PhD talks about how our fulfillment is directly correlated to the quality of our relationships. If disharmony or disappointment in your relationships contributes to your overeating, keep reading.
[more]
In the mini-series, “This Emotional Life”, the controversial study by psychologist, Harry Harlow is cited. For those that are not aware of this study, I’ll summarize it. Dr. Harlow took rhesus monkeys and separated them from their mothers. He then gave them the option of two possible surrogates. One surrogate was a wire shaped monkey that had a baby bottle that provided food. The other was a cozy, terrycloth surrogate who provided softness but no food. The monkeys always preferred the comfort over the nourishment. Whenever a frightening stimulus was brought into the room, the monkey ran to the terrycloth surrogate.
Even bearing in mind that rhesus monkeys require the act of clinging more than human babies, there is perhaps something for us to learn from this experiment. Human mothers often use feeding time to bond with their children. As a result, as adults we may return to the idea that food will provide us with comfort, when perhaps it’s a different sort of comfort that we truly crave. It is not food that soothes us when we are frightened, anxious or upset, it is softness. Gentleness. Love.
But how do we get it? That can be the hard part. We often act the most repellent when we need people the most. We criticize, when we want to connect. We nitpick instead of admitting our vulnerable needs. One line that I loved in the documentary by psychologist, John Cacioppo, who is an expert on loneliness and the effects of social isolation, was, “loneliness is not a feeling, but an urge, like hunger or thirst that indicates something essential is absent.” To me, this reflects that quality human contact is not an added benefit of being human, but a necessity, as critical to our health and well-being, as food, water, or air. Read more about loneliness.
I saw evidence of this when a member of Shrink Yourself recently shared that after an upsetting event she was tempted to binge. Instead, she PAUSED in the way that we teach members to do in the Shrink Yourself program. She called a friend and shared the biggest laugh that she had had in a long time. Afterwards, she was clear that reaching for food would have prevented this phone call. And the human connection is what she needed to remedy the upsetting event, not the tasty treat. So often we go for the quick fix because we don’t know how to connect. Because it feels easier. Because we don’t believe we have people to connect to. Or, are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable. Or have been disappointed too many times to reach out, yet again.
No matter what you have experienced, don’t give up. Human connection, albeit painful at times, is well worth it. Some quick ways to bring more human connection into your life.
- Hug Someone – A hug that lasts six seconds or more triggers the release of a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone makes you feel more loving. So, take time to hug. It can be your spouse, your child, your elderly neighbor, even a stranger. I try to give my son six of these a day and when we forget, we give a thirty-six second hug before bedtime
- Make Your Children Smile – MRI studies show that when a mother sees her child smile the same part of the brain lights up as the part that lights up when she thinks about food or sex. There is a great reward in just seeing a smile.
- Volunteer – Many elderly people are touch deprived. Visiting a senior center and holding someone’s hand benefits the both of you. One of my first jobs was as the director of a senior center. I remember loving how different elderly people’s hands felt—the thinness of the skin and the way the veins felt like the roots of a tree.
- Forgive Someone – A common quote is, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Ask yourself, is there a grudge you’re holding that you could give up?
Look for little ways to connect. These little connections make a big difference. If you’re confused about a relationship in your life take the Shrink Yourself profile to see how that relationship is affecting your overeating. We need each other. If we could only stop being so strong and admit that, life might get a little softer, a little richer, and a whole lot sweeter.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 7:38:20 AM | 2 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, JANUARY 08, 2010
Are Your Resolutions Being Sabotaged?
We’re one week into 2010. You might be thinking that this is a new year, a new decade, a new beginning. Part of you is trying to be really hopeful, optimistic, and dedicated and another part of you might still be trying to deal with the backlash of the holiday season. If you think you should be happy and all gung ho but are still stuck in an inexplicable funk, read on.
[more]
The holidays are a super charged time of year. It’s no wonder that you might require some recovery time after the presents are put away, the tree thrown out, and the routine of regular life back in effect. Even when the holidays have gone well they still demand extra travel, extra work, extra expenses and extra calories, all of which can be exhausting. If you were hoping to feel refreshed and renewed when the calendar switched to January and you’re not, you might be falling into one of the following categories. Understanding what you’re feeling might prevent you from wanting to numb out with food.
Linus Loses His Blanket
Believe it or not there are actually people who derive great comfort from the holiday season. Perhaps you live far from family and the holidays provide you with a time to be together. You pack up your things, face airport delays, and travel the distance. The gap gets bridged and for a few days you are blanketed in the comfort of the dearest people in your life. If you fall into this category, January can be fraught with the pain of separation and loss. A desire to be closer to the ones you love might get awakened. You might have to face existential questions about what’s really most important in your life. And quite simply you might just be lonely for the ones you love. If you find yourself in this situation, be gentle with yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard. You might even want to take some time to connect with loved ones by phone, Skype or email.
Expectation & Disappointment
No matter how old we get we still harbor the secret hope that our families are going to be what we need or want them to be. We enter into experiences with family hoping that this year is going to be different. This year we will be seen, heard, and understood. This year we will connect. By building up this expectation we set ourselves up to fall a lot further. The disappointment we feel is greater. When this happens January can be a month of mourning. We might feel sad for the things we never got as children, and still don’t get as adults. If you find yourself in this position give your inner child compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Then, look for ways that you can create rituals and traditions in the future. You can’t make up for lost time, but you can use your sadness to get clear about what you want to create in the future.
Out of the Woods
Maybe you spent your holidays in survival mode. Misbehaving children. Drunken arguments. Recent losses whether they were due to death, disease or divorce. Fights. Moods. Demands. Sleepless nights. You may have done the best you could to muscle through and now you’re just plain spent. For some, family gatherings can look more like a war zone than a picnic. Now, that you’re out of the woods you’re simply trying to catch your breath and find your center. If you find yourself in this position, be gentle with yourself (do you detect a theme here?). Get extra sleep. Talk to friends. And remember that you have a choice to do things differently than your relatives.
If you set resolutions for yourself about diet and exercise and already feel yourself slipping, it could be because underneath the surface you are still processing difficult feelings or upsetting events. Shrink Yourself (14-Day Free Trial) can help you process the feelings that make you overeat or binge. Food never helps but it is a readily available, automatic response. If you’re reaching for food, it could be a red flag that you’re unresolved about the holidays. Take a look. Be honest with yourself. And as you’ve heard again and again, be gentle with yourself.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 12:02:07 PM | 3 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2009
New Year – New Approach
Do diets work for you as long as you follow them but then something always trips you up? Does the onset of a new year make you feel obligated to embark on a big new weight loss regime? Do you hope this year will be different but fear it will be the same as past years? If so, you’re not alone. Before you try a new diet, start with a new approach. Here’s how:
[more]
Any sensible diet will work but only if you can follow it. It’s not that you don’t have the willpower. If you’ve been told that or believed that, it’s simply not true. There has always been a missing piece. The missing piece is that there are strong underlying emotional forces at work…strong feelings and powerful habits you may not even be aware of that sabotage even your best intentions. When you understand what these are, you’ll be able to stick to any eating plan you choose.
So, start this year with a K.I.S.S.-- Keep It Simple Sweethearts.
1. Select a straightforward eating and exercise plan that is realistic for your lifestyle. Picking something too extreme or rigid (no matter how many other people that plan might work for) often kicks up a person’s rebellious side.
2. Use your Shrink Yourself program to get clarity and understanding in the moments when you don’t want to follow through on the plan you’ve committed to. In studies of successful dieters, success was always increased exponentially by having some sort of emotional counseling or support. Since this is not financially possible for all people, Shrink Yourself gives you an affordable, easy and private way to address the inevitable emotional issues that dieting presents.
Some of you might be well aware what the emotional roots of your overeating are. It might be self-doubt. It might be that you use food for reward. It might be that you feel like food is your only source of true comfort for any number of reasons. Maybe that reason is grief, or loneliness or fear or frustration. If you’re still struggling with your weight or feel like food has control over you, chances are you haven’t yet unearthed the underlying emotional reason beneath your overeating.
But the good news is you can. This year can be different. Don’t try to get new results with an old approach. Try a new way. Take ten minutes and complete your Free Dieter’s Profile and uncover your own distinctly personal issues that have blocked your dieting success in the past. Do it now to begin to recover the power to stick to your diet and control your weight in 2010 and for all the years to come.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:12:39 PM | 1 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2009
Same Same but Different
A friend went to Asia years ago and came back using the expression, “same same but different.” The expression is used to explain things that are familiar yet unique. So much of the holidays are about tradition. There is a comfort to doing things the same way each year. But remember that you can also carve out a new way for yourself and your family if the old way hasn’t been working, particularly when it comes to food, fighting, and even fun. It can be “same same but different.”
Keep reading for a great story that might inspire you this holiday season.
[more]
Last year I posted the following story. To create a tradition, I am going to post it again. I think it beautifully (and briefly) conveys the process that emotional eaters must go through to overcome their struggles and recover their power over food. See if you can find yourself in one of the chapters and know that we each had to pass through these different phases before leaving emotional eating behind.
THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street
This year make your holidays “same same” but also different in any way you need them to be different.
You really can have all the same tradition without having the same struggles.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:00:35 PM | 5 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2009
Sweeten Your Season Without Sugar
Sweets and chocolate are many people’s weak spot. The holidays can be the hardest time of year to avoid sugar. And the more of it you eat, the more of it you want to eat. Sugar often triggers binges and bouts of overeating. Not to mention that the stress of the holidays can send you looking for the escape that food provides. If you want to find the sweetness of the season without sugar, keep reading.
[more]
CONNECTION
We all relish in those deliciously sweet moments of human connection where we feel seen and understood. Sometimes those moments almost seem as though they happen by accident and we don’t know that we can actually recreate them. I find that generosity (even when we don’t feel like it) can get things going. Listen more than you talk. Take time to discover something new about a person even if you believe you know them very well already. Go out of your way to be extra gracious, affectionate or verbally expressive. Taking a small step forward can make a huge difference. Remember, don’t do it because there is an end result you’re looking for but rather simply to connect.
SERVICE (Giving and Receiving)
During the holidays there are plenty of ways that we can be of service. Doing something for another person can take the focus off of ourselves and put the focus on something even bigger. Is there a food bank you can volunteer at? Are there elderly neighbors that could use a lift to the store? Can you offer to wrap presents for someone? On the flip side, maybe you need something but are afraid to ask. In Judaism, it’s believed that receiving something you need is as much of a blessing as giving something when you have extra to give (food, time, or money). Maybe you can look for little ways to give people an opportunity to give to you. Yesterday, a friend offered to drive me to the airport (I didn’t even have to ask) and I said, “yes.” A member who is recovering from surgery mentioned how a neighbor brought her the crossword puzzle everyday that she was bedridden. Another woman I know, Jules, really wanted a manicure but couldn’t afford one. By an act of serendipity a friend offered to take her for a manicure. The friend actually enjoyed getting Jules a manicure as much as Jules enjoyed receiving one. Looking for ways to give AND receive can provide opportunities for sweetness. It’s not only a virtue to give, it’s also a virtue to let others give to you.
PLAY
If you find yourself getting too caught up in the work of the holiday, a quick bite of a dessert can feel like the only way to call in the sweetness of the season. If so, take some time to play. Sing. Laugh. Relax. Some people intuitively know how to bring play into their adult life and others know how to play well with children. I, for one, always felt like I didn’t know how to play, especially with children. As a result I didn’t feel like a very fun mother. Now, I am learning be less hard on myself. I can be with my son (and other children) while they play. Just try watching a child play for about fifteen minutes. Something magical will happen. I find that the less I do, the more the child likes it. They lead me and by letting myself be led, I am learning how to play. It is a delightfully sweet feeling.
Sugar is the least fulfilling kind of sweetness in the world. Look for ways to bring new and unexpected forms of sweetness into your life during the holiday season and throughout the New Year to come.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:11:20 AM | 1 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2009
3 Ways to Try a New Approach This Holiday Season
The first Hanukkah candle gets lit tonight and the countdown to Christmas begins. Then, there’s the solstice, Kwanza and so many other reasons to party and eat. You might already have had your fair share of seasonal cheer, and food, and it’s only December 11th. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, and over again but expecting different results then, take a more sane (and by more sane, we mean different) approach to the holidays this year.
[more]
Here are some ways that you can observe the old way of doing things and create a new way this year.
The Old Way
You spend your days worrying about getting everything perfect. The perfect meal. The perfect outfit. The perfect gifts. You are grumpy, broody and very busy. The holidays come and go in a whir. They’re over. You’re exhausted.
The New Way
Shrink Yourself shows you how to set realistic expectations of yourself and others. By doing this you can avoid disappointment and savor the moments. The holiday starts to look different than it ever has before. You slow down and you feel rejuvenated when they’re over.
The Old Way
You feel uncomfortable at social gatherings so you escape into food. You eat, and eat until you feel sick to your stomach. You go home grateful that the holidays are over and now, you can finally get back on track.
The New Way
Shrink Yourself teaches you how to be aware of when you’re uncomfortable, and how to check in with yourself and identify your real feelings. When you know what you feel you have choices besides eating. You can speak up. You can ask for what you need. You can walk away. You can comfort yourself.
The Old Way
You keep eating because you just want to taste a particular holiday treat. You can’t get enough of it.
The New Way
Shrink Yourself helps you understand that quality is better than quantity. You now know that when you hear a voice that says, “I just want it,” that it’s a childlike part of yourself that’s operating. It’s a part that simply wants what it wants, when it wants it. It doesn’t want to be limited or deprived. Therefore, you pause. You take a reasonable sized portion. And you savor each bite. You actually discover that eating in this way (without wild abandon) has you enjoy your favorite foods even more.
Don’t dive yourself insane. Don’t wait till New Year’s. Try a new way—The Shrink Yourself way. And the next few weeks could be the best ones you’ve had in years.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:21:53 AM | 3 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 04, 2009
Holiday Binge Eating
Are you dreading the arrival of the cookie platters to your workplace? Are you resigned to the fact that you’re going to gain weight in the weeks to come so why bother fighting it? Would you be willing to believe that there could be a different way of approaching the holidays than you have in the past? If so, keep reading. This year can be different than the ghosts of holidays past (especially when it comes to your eating habits).
[more]
These days binge eating is the most common eating disorder out there. In America, it affects 25,000,000 people annually but during the holiday season I would venture to say that number increases exponentially. The overly simplified answer to why we binge during the holidays is because there is easy access to so many tempting foods. But the more accurate answer is that the heightened tension synonymous with the month of December puts enough pressure on people that they experience what binge eaters struggle with every day of the year—the lure of using food to feel better.
There are some common reasons that people binge. If you are aware of what they are you can plan ahead, and avoid some binges that have seemed inevitable in the past.
OVERWHELM
A feeling of overwhelm is one of the most common triggers for a binge—that sensation of not knowing where to begin can send a person right into the quick escape and instant gratification of food. The holidays are overwhelming, period. There are guests, and gifts, and school performances to prepare for. Even the most positive parts like setting up a tree, or singing songs, or making latkes can still be overwhelming. And that’s not even mentioning the tension, the worries about money, the family fighting, the cleaning and catching up at work, the unmet expectations that can also accompany all the great things. What’s a person to do? First, be aware that eating doesn’t help with any of these things. What does help is planning ahead, getting organized, asking for help, and as much as possible, being in the moment. If you’re honest, you know the times when you get overwhelmed so take a moment to plan for them. Just a few minutes, and a piece of paper, can help you avoid at least a few of the binges you might have otherwise had in the days to come.
POWER STRUGGLES
Another common reason for binges is power struggles. And yes, the holidays are rich with these. There are struggles over who is doing the wrapping, the buying, the cooking, the driving. There might be fights between spouses about how much to spend on gifts—one is overly generous, the other cautiously frugal. The children are demanding things that your flailing bank account simply can’t support without going into debt. There is a desire to please. There might be harbored resentments from years past. There might be differing opinions about where to go or what to do. And no matter how much you push or pull, someone is going to be upset. Power struggles are another reason that people reach for food. When the desire to pull someone over to your way of thinking doesn’t work, a binge can feel like an instant ticket out of the discomfort. Try a different approach. The game of tug-o-war only works when both people are pulling. Rather than exhaust yourself (or escape into food) by pulling and pulling, you can simply drop your end of the rope. The game will be over. If you’ve fought and fought for the same things year in and year out, try seeing what happens when you simply give up the fight.
PROGRESS
The way that anyone gives up a binge pattern, whether they are ordinarily a binge eater or just a seasonal binge eater, is the same. They don’t expect to give it up cold turkey. So, if you’ve binged in the past during the holidays, it may be unrealistic to expect that this is going to be the year when you don’t binge at all. However, what binge eaters have to realize is that progress looks more like this: having less binges, eating smaller quantities of food, understanding what the binge is helping you avoid or getting back on track more quickly after a binge. Holiday bingers can apply this same idea of progress. If you handle overwhelm and power struggles differently you may reduce your regular holiday binges by at least 50%. That, in and of itself, will be progress and will help you gain half the amount of extra weight you usually do.
If you take a new approach, not only will you eat less, the holidays will be more enjoyable. You will spend more time in the moment, and less time in your head. You’ll probably laugh more than you worry. Sing more than you yell. And when you do choose to indulge, it won’t be a month long feeding frenzy, but a decadent treat that you’re able to calmly savor as just one small part of what you love about this time of year.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 4:00:23 PM | POST A COMMENT
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2009
The 12 Types of Holiday Eating & Tips for Tackling Them
It might seem like holiday eating comes from the fact that delicious foods are readily accessible almost everywhere you go but that is a small part of it. Emotional Eating is the main reason people gain weight over the holidays. Emotional Eating really takes hold at this time of year because tensions run high. Understanding the 12 types of holiday eating and how to tackle them will help you regain the pleasure of the holidays (or for some enjoy them for the first time) as well as preventing the extra pounds that can pile up at this time of year.
[more]
1. Food: My Adult Pacifier
If you get really hungry when you feel angry, depressed, anxious, bored or lonely, you use food to dull the pain that these emotions cause.
Tip: Holidays can bring up all of these emotions. Spend some time determining what else besides food can soothe your anger, depression, and anxiety.
2. I Stick Up For Myself by Stuffing Myself Up
If you react by getting hungry when others talk down to you, take advantage of you, belittle you, or take you for granted, you eat to avoid confrontation.
Tip: Holidays are a time to stand up for yourself and not take things personally. Sometimes, standing up for yourself means knowing when to walk away from someone you can’t reach a resolution with.
3. Food: My One Faithful Friend
If you crave food when you have tension in your close relationships, or feel disconnected form people, you eat to avoid feeling the pain of rejection or anger.
Tip: Holidays are a time when you can be surrounded by those you love or those who really push your buttons. Take some time before the holidays to address unresolved conflicts with loved ones.
4. When I'm Chewing I Can't Hear My Inner Critic
If you tend to become hypercritical of yourself - if you label yourself "stupid," "lazy," or "a loser" - you eat to stuff down self-hatred.
Tip: Along with making Holiday Gift-Giving lists, make some lists of how you’ve grown this year and the things you love about yourself.
5. I Don't Have Love but I Have Food
If your hunger gets activated because your intimate relationships don't satisfy some basic need like trust or security, you use food to try to fill the gap.
Tip: Holidays can really bring up a lot of disappointment in your intimate relationships (or sadness if you lack an intimate relationship or quality friendships). Attracting the right lover means loving yourself. How can you give yourself what a lover might give you this holiday season?
6. Food Can't Fill Up the Missing Parts in My Past
If you eat to make up for the deprivation you experienced as a child, you eat to forget the past.
Tip: Holidays can trigger years of hurt feelings and disappointments. How can you create something new this year: your own traditions, your own rituals, something that will set it apart from all the holidays that haven’t worked?
7. Don't Tell Me What to Eat
If you eat to assert your independence because you don't want anyone telling you what to do, you eat to rebel.
Tip: A lot of scrutinizing eyes might be watching what you’re eating during the holidays, just waiting to make a comment. No matter how wrong that is, keep in mind that eating to assert your independence only hurts yourself.
8. I'm Too Busy Eating to Take a Risk
If your appetite kicks in when you're faced with new challenges - if you use food to avoid rising to the test - you eat to protect yourself from the fear of failure.
Tip: With all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season it’s easy to forget taking care of yourself. Don’t grab food on the run. Plan your tasks and take your time with them so you don’t forget yourself in the busyness of it all. Letting yourself get too hungry leads to poor food choices and binges.
9. Fall in Love? I'd Rather Fall in Chocolate!
If you stuff your face in order to avoid your sexuality - either to stay overweight so that nobody desires you or to hide from intimate encounters - you eat to protect yourself from getting too close.
Tip: During the holiday parties this year move away from the dessert table and take a risk by speaking to someone.
10. I Use My Body as a Battleground
Emotional eaters often eat to pay back those who have hurt them (often in the distant past). They use their bodies as battlegrounds for working out old resentments. If you do this, you eat to get revenge or control anger.
Tip: The Holidays are a time when this emotional eating habit can really get stirred up. Eating whatever you want in front of those that hurt you in the past can feel like the perfect punishment. Remember, it only prolongs YOUR suffering.
11. Nyah! Nyah! I Won't Grow Up!
If you eat to make yourself feel carefree like a child, you eat to keep yourself from facing the challenges of growing up.
Tip: The Holidays can bring out the child in all of us yet they are better enjoyed with the firm footing of an adult who can make empowered choices (about food, communication, who they see, how much time they spend at relatives, etc.).
12. I'm Secretly Afraid of Being Thin
If you overeat because you fear people’s jealousy or reactions to your weight loss - either consciously or unconsciously - you eat to avoid the fear of change.
Tip: If you’ve lost weight you might feel judged by family members who were more comfortable with you having a bigger body. Use the holidays to remember that being fit is a gift you give yourself.
Emotional hunger is real. It's part of life for everyone and it really gets revealed during the Holiday season. Click here for helpwith holiday emotional eating. If you address the things that make you emotionally hungry (and during the holidays there can be a lot of those things), you'll have a chance of having real satisfaction in your life. But if you eat each time you're emotionally hungry, you'll miss the opportunity of satisfaction, and your emotional hunger will continue to grow along with your waistline
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 3:06:07 PM | 4 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2009
3 Ways to Alleviate Loneliness & The Hunger It Creates
Are you longing to love or be loved? Do you wish there was someone who could see, accept, and understand you for who you really are? Do all of the expectations of the holiday season leave you feeling more lonely than usual? If so, you’re not alone. Many Shrink Yourself members have been talking about their feelings of loneliness and how those feelings can become hunger, especially during the holidays. Here are some suggestions to quell loneliness now and throughout the year.
[more]
A. EMOTIONAL EATING & ISOLATION.
Emotional eating often goes hand in hand with isolation. Think of the child, misunderstood by his/her family, who begins to sneak food for comfort. The child longs for recognition but settles for sweets. Once this coping mechanism has been installed they may depend on their familiar “friend” for decades. The shame about eating tends to encourage them to isolate themselves whenever they want to spend time with food. Eating in this way also takes them back to a place where they had no control over their circumstances. Each time they eat, their early feelings of powerlessness are reinforced. Take away the pacifier that food provides, and this person would have to face their true feelings. No matter how frightening, only then could they admit to themselves, and others, what they really feel, who they really are, and what they really need. As long as they rely on food they will be less likely to reach out in a way that would have them heal and meet people who could provide a reparative experience for what they didn’t receive as children.
B. LONELINESS IS NORMAL
Loneliness is a part of the human condition. We can share ourselves, we can make ourselves vulnerable but there are ways in which we will always be separate and that can be hard to bear (in some moments more than others—like New Year’s Eve for example-Yikes!). However, part of the problem is feeling like we shouldn’t feel lonely. This unrealistic expectation of ourselves (and others) makes us fear loneliness so much that we’re unwilling to look it right in the eye. When we see how normal it really is then we don’t have to feel ashamed or ungrateful for the moments when we feel lonely at a crowded party or lonely despite having healthy children or lonely inside of a happy marriage or relationship. Quite simply loneliness is part of being a human. That being said, the words of Orson Welles remind us that, “We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” This leads me to the next point.
C. THE CURES FOR LONELINESS
I have said it before but it bears repeating, food is not a friend. It can’t replace the friendship, companionship, or romance of a real person. Even animals long to be with other animals. Dolphins travel in pods, dogs in packs and horses in herds. Humans were not meant to live alone. And these days, despite technological advances that make us accessible to anyone in the world at any time of day, we have become more and more isolated. No wonder, so many are relying on food more and more. So, how do we break this cycle?
1. Make Quality Friendships.
I know more than anyone how hard it is to make friends. I was one of those kids that didn’t have real friends till eighth grade. This was a painful part of my growing up. Making friends didn’t come naturally but as a result I’ve had to carefully consider who is a real friend and how to forge a friendship that can last in a fulfilling way. Someone once told me that we should go towards things that are warm and comforting. If you attempt to befriend someone where you have to do all the work, where you’re always left feeling put down or undermined, this probably isn’t the beginning of a good quality friendship. Attempts to forge relationships with unavailable people can leave you lonelier than being alone. Some things to keep in mind are to look for friends in places where you’re likely to have similar values (for example, a spiritual community, a volunteer program, a book club, a university class, etc.). Second, pursue relationships that are reciprocal. If it’s not reciprocal, put your energy somewhere else. All relationships have times of more give and times of more take. But if it’s more or less balanced you won’t find yourself calculating precisely who did what. Third, recognize that friendships take time. Be wary of people that come on too strong or claim to be your best friend without having earned the title.
2. The Two Sides of Technology
There are many downsides to technology. We text instead of talk. We buy things online instead of speaking to a salesperson. We have automated answers instead of customer service. So many of the every day ways that we had human contact are being eliminated. Be aware of the ways in which technology can be keeping you from reaching out and making real contact. But also look at the flip side. Technology makes the world smaller and can put you in touch with people anywhere, at any time. Use technology wisely to bridge the gap. Use it to find online support groups and phone bridges. Uses it to find like-minded people and activities going on in your community. For example, the Shrink Yourself message boards provide one of the most supportive, insightful, and caring communities I've ever seen, either online or in the world. You can become a member of The Shrink Yourself community here. In other words, try to find the ways that you can use technology to bring you out of isolation instead of using it to build a bigger, stronger wall around you.
3. Connect to Something Bigger
Thoreau dealt with his existential loneliness through his connection with nature. Carl Sagan through his connection to the cosmos. Joseph Campbell through myth. The mystics through spirit. Whether it’s a sunset, a starry night, a fall tree, a meteor shower, or an act of serendipity there are ways that we can’t deny we are connected to each other and to the world. No matter what your belief system the things that remind you of your connection, as opposed to your separation, can soothe that inevitable loneliness that we all feel.
When you don’t eat, the loneliness might get stronger at first. Face it. Ask it what it’s trying to tell you. Then, use it to reach out, to make new and more fulfilling connections, and to get fed spiritually. The more you face your loneliness, the less hungry it will make you at the holidays or anytime of the year.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:32:48 PM | 15 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2009
Using a Plateau to Propel You Forward: What to Do When You Stop Losing Weight?
Have you ever been in that place where you’re doing everything right but the scale seems stuck? Or worse, you’re doing everything right and you gain a pound or two? These plateaus can often lead to feelings of defeat. These feelings of defeat can have you throw in the towel but they don’t have to. Here’s a plan for using your plateaus to propel you forward from now on.
[more]
You might think of a plateau in weight loss as a setback or even a failure but plateaus are normal. And they can actually be a form of progress especially during the holiday season. If you don’t lose weight but don’t gain weight either in the next six weeks you’ll still be far better off come January 1st.
One member of Shrink Yourself had an important breakthrough this past week that I’d like to share with you. The notes in parentheses are mine.
“I have done Shrink Yourself in conjunction with Weight Watchers since the early part of this year (Shrink Yourself is a great complement to any eating plan you choose and some members continue on past the 12-week Shrink Yourself program because of the support the program provides particularly if they still have weight to lose). I have done pretty well, steadily losing, till the end of September, when I hit my 10% weight loss initial goal. Since then I have been floundering. I have gained a little (2 pounds), but have felt just terrible. Defeated. Unable to do it. All my fantasies about how much weight I would lose between Sept and Jan 1 were weighing heavily on me. I was slipping in to old bingeing habits. (Please note that it’s often this kind of pressure to meet a deadline that can make us anxious which leads to needing the comfort of food to deal with our uncomfortable feelings)
So last week, I was reading about plateaus on the Weight Watchers site. I decided to embrace where I really am. I set a goal to get back to my 10% point, in other words, lose the two pounds I had gained, and then maintain that until Jan 1. This was completely liberating. I have a solid, achievable, good plan that will leave me in a great place by the beginning of the New Year. I feel confidant that at that time I will be refreshed, and ready to lose 10% of my body weight again. My cravings and binges ended immediately. It really was remarkable.
In the past, I have lost significant weight over and over, but then get to a plateau, get discouraged, and start regaining. It really feels like taking a breather from weight loss, and giving my self a break from unrealistic goals puts me in a success mode instead of the failure mode I was in for the past several weeks. And it is thanks to Shrink Yourself, and the wisdom, knowledge, and support I find here every day that has put me in the place to do this.”
When you find yourself at a plateau like that Shrink Yourself member just described, don’t give up, just find a way to relax. When you hike in the mountains there are times when you’re climbing, and then there are times when things level off. It’s important to use those plateau periods to regain momentum, to rest, to enjoy the view, and to acknowledge how far you’ve already come.
Our black and white thinking is what has us throw in the towel and give up. Especially during the holiday season it’s easy to resign ourselves to the fact that we’re probably going to gain some weight so why bother at all. But the simple truth is that even if you don’t lose weight in these next few weeks, maintaining your current weight can still be better than gaining. Why not try a 14-Day Free Trial and use the next two weeks before Thanksgiving to arm yourself with an awareness that will have you get through the holidays with more emotional strength and less extra pounds?
Many people might think this is the worst time of year to think about your weight but it can be the best time by learning new ways of interacting with others, understanding why we overeat, and holding out for long-term fulfillment instead of succumbing to immediate gratification. You might not necessarily be ready to embark on a weight loss regimen at this time of year, but with a just a few extra skills in your belt, you might be able to maintain your weight instead of gaining. And that won’t be perfection but it will be progress.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 1:58:46 PM | 6 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 06, 2009
My Virtual Shrink: A New Program by Dr. Roger Gould
Life can be hard and feelings can be hard to handle. As an emotional eater you already understand the way that unresolved issues have the ability to affect your life in a profound way— for you, that means your weight. Emotions turn into overeating. Overeating turns into extra weight. And extra weight turns into more negative feelings and health issues. The whole thing is a vicious cycle.
Thirty years ago, Dr. Gould set out to create an effective and affordable alternative to psychotherapy. With the Shrink Yourself program he has been able to offer thousands and thousands of people the kind of help with their weight that they formerly were only able to get through live psychotherapy.
Now, he has designed a new program. It is called My Virtual Shrink. It is a guided, step-by-step program that helps you do for yourself what a psychiatrist or psychologist would do, namely help you solve problems and learn about yourself. This unique method has been shown to provide benefits comparable to traditional psychotherapy.
It’s a great program to recommend to friends and family who don’t struggle with their weight but want to improve other areas of their lives. And if you do struggle with your weight, it’s a complement to the Shrink Yourself program. After all, the more effective you are at understanding your feelings and overcoming your problems, the less likely you are to binge or overeat.
My Virtual Shrink sessions can help with many areas of your life. For example:
[more]
• Difficulty handling strong emotions.
• Reducing depression or anxiety.
• Feeling blocked about your future.
• Disagreements with someone.
• When someone is pressuring you.
• When someone's behavior is bothering you.
• Being more optimistic or less negative.
• Coping with feelings of stress from financial problems.
• Becoming more comfortable with yourself.
• Concern for someone's well-being.
• Feelings of stress of being single.
• Tension in your intimate relationship.
• Stress from an illness or a disability.
• Dealing with your child's behavior problems.
• Concerns about job security.
• Tension with a boss or co-worker.
• Stress from struggling to make ends meet.
My Virtual Shrink is not psychotherapy. You will not be entering into a doctor/patient relationship. But it is an alternative way of learning what you would otherwise learn in therapy, the kind of things about yourself and your mind that you don't learn in school. Dr. Gould has translated the critical components of psychotherapy into a step by step, guided process, which are actually "sessions," that will help you do for yourself, in the comfort of your own home and on your own timetable, the same kind of thinking and learning that you would do if you came to my office for treatment.
This is something unique, never before seen on the internet. The only way you will be able to decide if this is right for you is to start building your Smart Plan. That will be a snapshot of the problems you need to address and the changes you need to make. It will introduce you to the program, and it will give you some additional material to read. That is the free introduction to the program. If you don't want to go any further, you can simply push the delete button and your information will be erased, which includes your email address. If you do that, you will not hear from us again. Click here to start building your Smart Plan for free, and begin to see how you can start taking the necessary actions to get unstuck and move your life forward.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 1:17:29 PM | 5 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009
Be Proactive About Holiday Binging (Start Now)
This is an interesting time of year. The school season is up and running. The holidays are looming nearer. The days are getting shorter. And even here in sunny California, the nights are getting colder. All of this CAN add up to excuses to stay inside and eat comfort food, but it doesn’t have to. Halloween can kick off a two-month sugar binge that starts tomorrow and doesn’t let up until your New Year’s resolution. This year CAN be different if you’re proactive. Here's how:
[more]
As the holidays approach we can't help having a combination of hope that this year will be different combined with certain defeat that we’re bound to gain some weight in the two months to come. We can’t imagine that things could possibly be different but they CAN.
1. ACTIONS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
We tend to believe that we must change our thinking in order to change our behavior. But real change actually happens in reverse. The more you change your behaviors, the more your thinking changes. After a consistent period of time where you act like a person who is fit and healthy, you come to believe you ARE fit and healthy. In the Shrink Yourself program, tools like The Hunger Coach, help you set off a binge before it happens. Sometimes, just resisting one binge is all it takes to begin to prove to your mind that you don’t need to give into every craving for food. Then, the next binge, or bout of overeating, is even easier to stop in its tracks. How can you do things differently this year? Halloween is a critical time to be proactive. If you take a new approach this Halloween, you’re less likely to give into that, “why bother, there’s no way I’m going to get ahead at this time of year” feeling. Taking empowered actions on the thirty-first will fortify you to keep facing the holiday season in an innovative way. Give away the candy. Don’t buy your favorite candy for trick-or-treaters (you’ll only end of eating it yourself). Decide how many pieces you’re going to have before trick-or-treating and then stick to it (For example, I allow myself a mini almond-joy and a peppermint patty—my son is excited to find them for me and I savor them while we're walking-my Halloween indulgence is less than 100 calories and doesn't disrupt my weight management).
2. EXERCISE
This can seem like the most unrealistic time of year to start exercising but exercising will actually positively affect everything you do (and some of the things you feel, too). Most of you know that I walk as many mornings as I can with one of my close friends. It clears my mind because we chat about current events, our kids, and our conflicts. It sets me up work better for the day. And it helps me feel like I’m making an effort to take care of my body. Most of you also know that I hate to exercise but I do know that something as simple as this thirty-minute walk a few times a week significantly alters things. For one, it is one of those actions that I talked about in the paragraph above that helps to shift my idea of who I am. Two, this little bit of movement and fresh air sets me up to handle stress better (and let’s face it, the holidays can be stressful). And lastly, when I'm taking steps (literally and figuratively) to take care of myself, it makes me want to keep on taking more steps. Don’t wait till you feel like exercising, just commit to doing something small. The holiday season might just seem like a breeze when you’re armed with a few endorphins.
3. GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK AND WHITE
You can’t afford black and white thinking this holiday season. Somewhere in between a strict diet and giving into every holiday treat there is a happy medium. Look for ways to find middle grounds. Instead of being like a kid on Halloween eating everything that finds its way into your goodie bag, be discerning. What are your favorite candies? Which were the ones you looked forward to most when you were a kid? Eat a couple of pieces, and really enjoy them. You don’t have to abstain from everything, but you also don’t have to eat everything in sight either. If there’s one holiday party that you particularly look forward to. Indulge yourself at that one, but don’t do it at every party you go to. When invited to friends decide if you’re going to indulge in bread, wine or dessert (instead of all three). There are simple ways to cut back, here and there, without missing out entirely. These little alterations can make a big difference in how much you gain this holiday season, and how you feel about yourself.
The key is really being the one in charge. If you’re aware, thoughtful, and proactive you get to be the one that decides when you’re going to indulge and when you’re going to refrain. You get to be the one who chooses food instead of food choosing you. You get to be the one in control. Halloween no longer needs to be the entry point to a rabbit hole, that like Alice, you can’t help falling through for the next two months
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:57:49 AM | 7 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2009
4 Ways Fat Feels Safe
Who doesn’t want to escape the world sometimes? Fat can feel like the perfect hiding place. It can offer a boundary between you and the people you live with, work with or commute with. It can keep out unwanted attention. It can keep you on the sidelines of life. Do you eat to keep yourself safe? Don’t be so sure until you keep reading.
[more]
The most common form of emotional eating is using food to cope with uncomfortable feelings. However, there are so many more complex (and sometimes even confusing) reasons that we have for being afraid to lose extra weight. Many of these reasons fall under the umbrella of eating to feel safe. These are covered in the later part of the Shrink Yourself program because they are almost like the graduate program of your emotional eating education.
Here are some of the common reasons that fat can feel safe:
KEEPS UNWANTED ATTENTION AWAY
Maybe you’re shy. You may want attention but when you get it you’re not so sure what to do with it. Being looked at or noticed can take some getting used to. Putting on extra weight might have felt like a quick fix to get people to stop looking at you. This could have been a rash decision you made a long time ago. If so, exercise the muscle of letting people look at you.
PROVIDES A FALSE SENSE OF PROTECTION FROM PREDATORS
Maybe you were hurt by someone that you trusted or even by a stranger. You may never want to be hurt in that same way again. Making ourselves less attractive can feel like a way to protection against predators. However, this is a false sense of safety. It doesn’t take the place of avoiding unsafe situations, healing an old wound or creating boundaries.
KEEPS YOU FAITHFUL
In the Sex and the City movie, Samantha puts on extra weight because she is afraid she’ll cheat on her partner. Fat might feel like it protects you from your own adulterous urges by making you less attractive to prospective mates. It can take the place of admitting you’re unhappy in your current relationship or from knowing how to honor your commitments but it’s not a real solution to a real problem.
KEEPS YOU ON THE SIDELINES OF LIFE
When you’re overweight there are certain games you might feel less eligible to play. If you’re afraid to take risks in your career, in your friendships or in your romantic life, you might be keeping on extra weight to have a good excuse for not making yourself vulnerable.
Fat only provides a false sense of safety and security. Only you can make yourself feel truly safe by the boundaries you set, by the situations you get involved in, and by the people you surround yourself with. In Week Nine of the Shrink Yourself Program we show you how you might be using your weight to feel safe and how to create a real sense of safety in your life so you no longer need the extra pounds for protection.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:38:03 PM | 12 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2009
7 Things to Learn from Successful Calorie Cutters
For years now, studies have been done on the benefits of calorie-restricted diets. Animal research has shown that eating less means longer, healthier lives. Now they’re trying to figure out if the same thing applies to humans. An article in the Sunday, October 11 New York Times Magazine by Jon Gertner made some good points about calorie restriction. Yes, Americans are getting fatter and fatter (“obesity rates increased in 23 states last year and declined in none”). Yes, less calories seem to promise less disease (“A recent spate of papers in some of the world’s leading medical journals demonstrate that in small studies, human subjects following such diets experience astounding drops in cardiovascular risk factors; a forthcoming review on cancer risks in animals with such diets, moreover, suggests a stark correlation — fewer calories mean fewer tumors.”). And yes, despite the probably vast benefits of a calorie-restricted diet it will be extremely difficult for many of us to adhere to (“Another problem humans present is their susceptibility to temptation. Primates and mice are kept in cages and eat what they are fed; none have ever had to choose to forswear a spring roll or a cupcake.”).
If you’re an emotional eater, can you ever expect to benefit from the promises of an eating plan such as this one? Maybe. But it will take some internal work first. What I found so interesting about the article is what we can learn from the kinds of people they believed could be successful in a study such as this one. For obvious reasons, you can only study the results if you choose people who are capable (mostly in their mind) of sticking a strict eating plan for two years time. So, how can we begin to cut back and restrict our calories based on the types of candidates they chose?
[more]
Here are some of the things they all had in common:
1.Motivated and Highly Organized
I have said this before but it stands repeating that cultivating organizational skills actually helps with eating well. You don’t have to naturally be an organized person. By working on acquiring those traits, you will get better at adhering to a sensible eating plan. To do this create systems in your home, manage your time and manage your money. How can you get more organized?
2.Strong Moral Support
If you want to eat well, you need support. Period. End of discussion. Who is on your team?
3.A Stable Job (with some flexibility)
Even if your job is not as stable as you’d like it to be, you can still look for ways to incorporate a more regular schedule that is not overly rigid. In other words, you need a balance between structure and flexibility. How can you create more of this in your life?
4.Accountability & Counseling
It is important to have someone to answer to and to have someone to hoist you up when you falter. Having a buddy to check in with can really help you succeed. You can exchange emails with someone at the beginning of the day to set intentions and at the end of the day to acknowledge successes. Even if you can’t afford counseling, the article said that you could get the same benefits from an online program that would offer tools and group meetings. Anything that keeps you aware will help. Who are you accountable to?
5.Bank Your Calories
Look at the big picture instead of just the immediate moment. People in the study banked their calories. For example, if they knew they would be eating more at a social event or baseball game on the weekend, they’d eat less calories for a few days leading up to that event. This is a simple practice that we can all adopt. How can you plan ahead?
6.Discernment
People in the study found that when they had to restrict their calories they actually enjoyed food more because they had to carefully choose where their calories were going. While overeaters seem like they love food more than most people, many of them report that they don’t even enjoy the majority of what they eat. Sometimes, having free reign on food reduces the amount of pleasure we get from eating it. Eating less actually makes food taste better. How can you savor your food more?
7.Paradigm Shift
While it was believed that many people were attracted to a calorie-restricted diet out of a fear of death, they found that the opposite was true. People were willing to commit to this kind of eating plan because of their love of life. Many reported wanting to live longer to be able to see their children grow up and that being healthy was a necessary component in this equation. How can you shift your paradigm so that cutting back on food doesn’t give you a feeling of deprivation but rather a feeling of privilege?
Whether or not, we can actually stick to a calorie-restricted diet is not nearly as important as learning how to use these people’s experiences to help us restrict our own caloric intake, if only by a little. In a world, where we have gotten so accustomed to consuming too much time, too much money and too much food, it might be interesting to see what living looks like when we learn to get by on less.
To read the article in The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/11/magazine/11Calories-t.html?pagewanted=print
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 4:53:28 PM | 12 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 08, 2009
H.A.L.T. Before Your Next Bite of Food
Do you unconsciously reach for food when you’re hungry, angry, lonely or tired? These are the moments when you’re most likely to make less than optimal choices about eating. In 12-Step Programs the acronym H.A.L.T. is used to help people remember that when you’re hungry, angry, lonely or tired you’re more vulnerable to your drug of choice. You can use this acronym to help you remember to pause before you take your next bite of food. Here’s how:
[more]
Are you Hungry?
Some of us wait too long to eat which puts us in survival mode grabbing whatever food is in front of us. These are the moments when we fill up on things that are quick, easy, and often not very nutritious. One way to prevent this from happening is to manage our hunger better. This might mean keeping snacks with us or taking time to make sure that we nourish ourselves with good quality food throughout the day. However, if you’ve let the day get past you and suddenly find yourself famished, HALT, before you take a bite. Just a short pause can help you reconsider what you’re about to eat. A healthy food choice will help you get grounded and prevent the onset of a binge.
Are you Angry?
Many of us deal with anger by grabbing something to eat. I have heard people use food to prevent themselves from doing or saying something awful. One woman said, “I eat so I can stuff the angry words back in.” If you tend to eat when you’re angry, develop an alternative solution for dealing with anger. Is there a friend you can call? Can you punch a pillow or go for a run? Can you write out your rage on a piece of paper? Before you devour something, HALT, ask yourself if you’re really angry instead of hungry. Anger deserves to be discharged in a healthy way, stuffing it in for too long can make you implode.
Are you Lonely?
In lonely moments, particularly lonely nights, many people enlist food as their faithful friend, loyal confidante, companion or lover. But is food really a friend? Do friends make you fat, sick or disgusted with yourself? Loneliness is a real problem that deserves a real solution. Before you whip up that midnight snack, HALT, ask yourself if you wish you had company instead of something to eat. If you’re lonely, put the food down and call someone, visit a message board on the internet for support or simply find a way to be a good source of company to yourself. Sometimes, we are lonely because we haven’t learned how to make the most of the moments when we’re alone. Filling up never helps loneliness, but reaching out does.
Are you Tired?
Food can often be the way we compensate for not getting enough rest. We eat to push through our tiredness to meet a deadline. New parents eat to get through the day when they’re exhausted from interrupted sleep the night before. We eat to entertain ourselves through the afternoon lull at work. You’d be surprised how many of us, well into adulthood, don’t know how to make sure we get enough rest. Before you head out to Starbucks for that afternoon treat or fix yourself a snack to eat on the couch while watching TV late at night, HALT, ask yourself if you’re tired. If the answer is yes, and it’s during the day, a cup of mint tea or a few minutes of deep breathing can perk you up quicker than an espresso and a Danish. If it’s at nighttime, you might want to consider tucking yourself in early. Food is never a substitute for sleep.
H.A.L.T. is a quick and easy-to-remember acronym. Use it anytime you’re about to eat something that isn’t going to propel your weight loss efforts forward and more than that is not going to help you get your real need addressed. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? If you are, there are real answers to those problems that food just can’t fix.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:24:27 PM | 7 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02, 2009
Do You Get Hungry After Dark? More Information for Night Eaters.
Last week, we sent out a tip about night eating. It was just a short suggestion about how brushing your teeth after dinner can prevent you from overeating or snacking at night. We got a huge response from people that definitely resonated with the issue of night eating. Certainly, for longtime emotional eaters, and bingers brushing your teeth is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. However, it does work for some, particularly people that have an extensive oral hygiene practice that they do at night. But it's not enough.
Night-eating is a pervasive, and difficult component of emotional eating. For some people it starts as far back as infancy. A quick tip is therefore not going to cure it. However, an awareness that there is more to night-eating than simply the urge to eat tasty treats is a start. The Shrink Yourself book is 288 pages, and the Shrink Yourself online program is 12 weeks long. In other words, it takes time to find the psychological root of why you get hungry when the sun goes down.
One member, who responded to an Expert Advice letter I wrote her shared that after getting my help she realized what her night eating was about. Here is a quote she allowed me to reprint in the hopes that it will help you begin to see the root of your night eating.
"This is a response to the good words of Ms. Fiordaliso regarding my problem with night eating:
Ms. Fiordaliso, as soon as I read the words unmet need for affection or closeness from a spouse I knew right away that might be the catalyst for my night eating. You see, my husband of 32 years has worked nights for the last 20 years, and I am always alone. He leaves at 4:30 PM and doesn’t return home until 4:30 AM. I have been battling boredom and loneliness for so long! But guess what? He just retired in December 2008, and he is a wonderful companion to me now! I guess I will have to undo the night eating habit that has accumulated these past 20 years. Thank you so much for bringing that factor to my attention! I never would have thought of it. This is one of the reasons I find Shrink Yourself to be such a wonderful program. It opens so many doors for people. Thank You!"
To explore your night eating, I recommend the following things:
[more]
1. If the night brings up a lot of feelings for you look into what the night represents for you personally. For most night eaters they have some anxiety about the evenings. It might be loneliness. It might be the time you miss your spouse or wish you had a spouse. It might be fear of being home alone. It might be dread for the day ahead. You will have to take an inventory of the feelings that the night brings up for you. Next to the list write responses of things that could address those feelings directly. And remember to be gentle and loving with yourself when you do this.
2. If the night makes you crave certain things, don’t keep those foods in the house. Some might be willing to get up and drive to fulfill a craving but putting some space between you and the sweets (or salt or ice-cream) can make a difference. At least, it gives you some time to make another choice.
3. If you associate your nighttime activities with snacking you might have to change your associations. Many people come to link things like watching TV with eating. Find something else to do when you watch TV so you develop a new association (fold laundry, do needlepoint or knitting, drink tea.).
4. If you have anxiety, particularly about falling asleep, you might rely on a food coma to jump-start your drowsiness. Your mind has found a solution that works. You have to show your mind that there is another option. Create a bedtime ritual for yourself to induce sleepiness. A bath is a great option. 5-10 minutes in a bath can raise your temperature slightly and induce sleepiness. A cup of soothing tea, a lavender cream foot rub, a meditation CD. It might be a few things. Play with this until you find what works for you. And avoid drinking caffeine even in the morning.
5. If you are plagued by boredom or loneliness you’ll have to find ways to make your evenings fulfilling. Try finding some evening activities that you look forward to: a book, a rented movie, a craft or hobby or a visit with a friend.
6. If you have a pattern of waking up and eating throughout the night you’ll have to wean yourself off of food the way a mother weans an infant off the breast or bottle. Infants reach a time when they no longer need food in the night but they still want it. My son, at one point, was waking up every two hours wanting to be nursed. I had to wean him off of night nursing. This took time, and a lot of frustration for both of us. Even if you’re an adult, you’ll have to prove to yourself that you no longer need food in the night. Be a loving mother to yourself, and keep in mind that over time you’ll stop waking up for food and you’ll probably feel better rested.
7. If you’re wound up at night you can do some yoga, deep breathing, meditation or buy yourself a bottle of Rescue Remedy Night Formula (you can find it at a health food store or Whole Foods).
Night eating is difficult, but not impossible, to overcome. I hope something here helps to shed some light on this dark issue.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 3:04:42 PM | 11 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2009
Are You A Procrastinator? A Parent? Try A New Approach
Do you procrastinate or get annoyed by someone else’s procrastination? Does your work or your child's homework frustrate you? Does it create anxiety and aggravation?
All this stress can lead to overeating but it doesn’t have to. A better handle on these frustrating issues could mean less eating.
Here are some tips to use for yourself or for helping your children:
[more]
IT’S THEIR WORK, NOT YOURS
Abraham Lincoln said, “The worst thing you can do for those you love is the things they could and should do themselves.” With the best of intentions to be helpful, we often do too much for our kids. The stress of an assignment shouldn’t feel like more of your responsibility than your child’s. If you’re stressed it means you’re working too hard. Find ways to empower your child to work independently. For me personally, I know I’ve lost when I allow myself to get into a power struggle with my son over homework. It’s never going to go to a good place from there. Instead of telling an answer is wrong, ask them to take a closer look. Instead of giving them an answer, ask an open-ended question that helps them look at things from a different angle.
LEARN TIME MANAGEMENT
As a child, I was a procrastinator. Even in High School, the way I got through late night deadlines was by eating bowls of M & M’s. And by college I was doing thirty page papers the night before they were due. This made for a lot of upsetting all nighters. The reality is that children don’t know how to manage their time. It’s not something that’s taught and often we end up as adults still not knowing how to manage our time well. If you have a child with a project, help them determine how much they’ll need to work each day (or each weekend) for it to get done without cramming. If you’re the person with time management issues, ask for help. Ask a friend who seems to always arrive on time with style and grace how they do it. Time management doesn’t come naturally but it’s a skill worth learning because it reduces your stress level exponentially.
TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH
If your same tactics for helping with homework (or for getting your own projects done) have always produced the same results, try something new. For example yesterday I had an epiphany. They tested my son at school and the test showed that he relates to the world from a musical, body-centered place. I, on the other hand, relate to the world from a verbal and mathematical place. For him, these areas were so small they were barely on the chart. Finally, it hit me. I have been trying to reason with him in the way that things make sense to me (with words and logic) and it hasn’t worked. Today, I can use the information I got to try a new approach. How can you try things in a different way in order to yield a different result?
Homework (and papers and taxes and projects) are a necessary part of life but we don’t have to let them work us up so much that the only option is to overeat. By developing new skills we can move through things with greater ease and far less stress. And we can model that for our children, too.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 12:03:53 PM | 7 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2009
A Shrink Yourself Success Story
Are you wondering if Shrink Yourself can help you? When it comes to weight loss, we can be so afraid of trying a new approach because we don't want another failure under our belts. See how one Shrink Yourself member used the program to get past her weight loss plateau.
[more]
I caught my first glimpse of myself as an Emotional Eater when I was in another weight loss program. I was good at that program. I lost 45 pounds at a steady rate, with 25 pounds to go. Most of those 25 pounds were my “divorce weight.” That was the weight I had gained in a single year - the year of my divorce.
The 25 pounds were stubborn, unwilling to leave. My program counselor said that the weight could be tied to the pain of my divorce. I coined the phrase “crossing the divorce divide” and kept trying.
Let’s fast-forward to December 2008, three years later. I was still trying. Incredibly, I was stuck at the doorway of those 25 pounds, and in desperation I signed up for Shrink Yourself. “Crossing the divorce divide?” Let’s try “lost in the divorce forest.” When I introduced myself in SY, I cringed at the defeat I exposed: “I’ve been on a weight loss plateau for 3 years now.”
My expectation on joining was that I would learn skills, recognize patterns, get some self-discovery and then voila! weight-loss success. Instead, I was swamped with unpleasant and unpalatable observations (some new, some already-known). Here are a few: I was feeling-phobic; I was extremely critical of myself, ignoring or minimizing my life successes; I had a constant background anxiety that ranged from moderate to severe; my earlier weight-loss success had left me with an obsession about eating, an obsession that occupied enormous amounts of my time; I felt food was my only friend; I felt food was the only way to feel safe.
Those insights changed my sense of my inner landscape. After several weeks at SY I started to wonder why I thought weight was my issue! I should be concerned about the quality of my life!
One SY idea particularly resonated with me: reclaiming power. I saw repeatedly that underneath my Emotional Eating Episodes (EEE) were a pervasive sense of being victim, of feeling powerless. Conversely, “claiming the power” seemed to reliably dissipate an Emotional Eating Episode - at first through using the Hunger Coach, but then more spontaneously on my own.
Also, thanks to Janice Taylor, a.k.a. Our Lady of Weight Loss, I had already developed a new mantra for facing difficult food situations: “the woman I am becoming “… would never eat those chemicals masquerading as food, … is very careful about what she puts in her mouth, … doesn’t see any of the treats at the Starbucks checkout as food.
I had worked with Janice individually before SY. She showed me how much easier it is to say YES in the face of a vision of something new, rather than to say NO to an ingrained habit. SY capitalizes on this kind of switch, too, finding positive replacements for unhelpful patterns.
Working on EEEs led to another discovery: anxiety was a presenting emotion rather than my only emotion. I found more subtle currents of anger, fear, sadness, and grief “under” the anxiety. Aha! Anxiety is a socially acceptable response for me, into which I could divert a lot of feeling. Through SY’s precision: “overwhelmed’ versus “pressured” versus “frustrated” versus “disappointed” - I started dialing down the anxiety knob, and addressing underlying emotions instead of facing unfocused anxiety.
This leads me to the most precious insight gained from SY. It came from a post another member put on the forum. To paraphrase, the member spoke about how, for some, the practice of cutting was a form of expressing pain in a tangible way. Could it also be that being overweight was a form of expressing the otherwise “inexpressible” parts of myself? This rang so true for me! Eureka! I stopped casting my difficulty in terms of “what went wrong at my divorce” and instead I began to ask “what am I trying to express?”
The SY forum offers invaluable help. In reply to posts about my difficulty in expression, another member offered art as a vehicle, specifically Soul cards (Soul Collage, by Seena Frost). Creating a set of my own cards, searching for images and symbols that uniquely define “me,” became my passion.
This search for expression has had profound results. I allowed myself experimentation with “step-out” clothes, with a longer hair style, with what I dared to risk/say in my relationships, etc. It has helped my creativity enormously – particularly my professional design skills.
Back to my weight! What about those 25 pounds! I have to smile in amusement. I have become interested in so much more of my life than my weight, but yes, my weight is still a focus. I lost as many as 15 pounds since I began, although 5 of those pounds have recently found me again (net loss: 10 pounds since December 2008). I still work at the 10 healthy habits, notably on savoring food and preventing binges better.
As important as my weight remains to me, weight loss is actually the least of what I value from SY. Between the search for expression and penetrating through my anxiety into other feelings, life has taken on a new dimension. I no longer consider food to be my only friend: food is not a friend - or enemy - at all! I no longer use food as a way to feel safe. At times of peril, food can make digestion louder than the peril - but only for a time.
I can see that I am breathing deeper, dressing better, have less background anxiety, and spending less time thinking about the foods that I eat. I focus on the woman I am becoming and how she wants only fresh, healthy foods for nourishment, not entertainment or distraction. I enjoy swapping stories and insights at the SY forums, and on valuing the online friends I’ve found here.
All in all, SY has been an excellent investment in my future and a transforming factor in my life. That’s just awesome.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:00:35 PM | 10 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2009
Exes and Overeating
Since I became the clinical director of Shrink Yourself four years ago, one of the triggers of overeating that I have heard mentioned most often is relationships. People commonly share things like, "My extra weight came on after the divorce" or "When my husband cheated I put on fifty pounds" or "I binge every time I have to deal with my child's father." In other words, unresolved Ex issues cause a whole lot of emotional eating. This blog entry will have two purposes. One will be to share with you the launch of my new book, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Ex* (including giving you info on some exciting upcoming readings and TV appearances). The other is to give you a few tips on Exes and overeating.
[more]
Drop the Rope
The core premise of Dr. Gould's book is that emotional eating comes from a false sense of powerlessness. And struggles with Exes can certainly bring up a feeling of powerlessness. For years, I had the same fight with my son's father. I didn't know how to stop getting into the same old go-nowhere conversation. And I couldn't understand how I could possibly let him repeatedly get to me in the same way. If you find yourself in the same familiar struggle over and over again with your Ex try a new approach. The game of tug-o-war only works when both people are pulling. If you drop your end of the rope, if you refuse to engage or fight, then the game is over. You may find yourself having not just fewer fights, but fewer binges too. This little tip has saved me so many times.
A Break-Up Doesn't Brand You
Many of us feel like our divorce or break-up is like a Scarlet Letter, letting the world know that we're a failure. Initially, I felt that way when I found myself alone with a child at twenty-seven. It seemed like everyone else was raising their kids as a family (with millions of single mothers in this country, obviously that wasn't the truth, it's just how I felt). When you make your break-up mean something devastating about yourself (for example, you're unlovable, unattractive or unworthy) you end up eating to nurse that wound.
Look to the Future
There's a reason the rearview mirror is so small and the dashboard is so big. It's because where you're going is so much more important than where you've been. It took me a lot of time to realize this. After my son's father and I broke up, I spent a lot of time mourning the idea of an intact family and believing that meant I wanted my Ex back. The pain of a break-up or divorce is inevitable but the suffering is optional. No matter what you've experienced, and I know many of us have experienced really unfair endings to our relationships, there is always something better to look forward to on the road ahead. The love that came into my life after I let that relationship go was far better than any I could have imagined. When we are resisting our current reality, we feel powerless and end up engaging in emotional eating.
If you're still confused about your Ex, I invite you to read the book I co-wrote with Heather Belle called Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Ex* or visit my website (everythingex.com). You can also watch us on The Today Show on September 16, 2009. If you're in New York or Los Angeles please come out to one of my book signings (I always love meeting Shrink Yourself members and friends in person).
New York: September 16, 2009 7:30 PM Barnes & Noble (8th Street & 6th Avenue)
Los Angeles: September 27, 2009 6:00 PM Book Soup
Never again do Ex issues need to be your reason for overeating. Your Ex life can lead to your best life.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:08:20 PM | 4 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 04, 2009
This Labor Day: Don’t Work!
Do you think personal growth, psychological work, and getting to know yourself are about as much fun as a root canal, waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles or filing your taxes that are two years late? Exploring your emotions doesn’t have to be hard work. This labor day have fun discovering yourself.
Emotional eating finds its roots in fear. We become afraid of our feelings. We become afraid to look inside ourselves. We become afraid to express who we are, what we need, and how we feel. All this fear has us seek refuge in the comfort of food. There is a long weekend ahead of us. It can be a weekend of overeating. Or it can be something else. It can be a weekend where you tell yourself you deserve that last ice cream of the season before school starts. Or it can be a time to savor the last sips of summer. Let’s look for some ways that you might bring some levity, humor or play into this Labor Day weekend.
[more]
Loosen Up
Weekends can be a tempting time to get obsessive about things that need to be done in the house. All of a sudden it’s Saturday morning and all of the exterior windows need to be washed or the abandoned shed in the back must be cleaned out. This weekend, loosen up. It’s okay to play a board game before washing the dinner dishes. It’s okay to let a bed go unmade or a pile of laundry go undone. Normally, I am an advocate for staying on top of chores but once in awhile, it’s okay to let yourself off the hook. Just for this weekend, how can you focus more on fun and less on work?
Laugh
Make sure to laugh everyday. I heard an old joke that I love tonight. It’s from the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall. Alvy Singer, the main character, says, “It was great seeing Annie again and I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her and I thought of that old joke, you know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but uh, I guess we keep going through it...because...most of us need the eggs.” Rent a pile of funny movies. Find a big hill to roll down no matter how old you are. Play a game or Pictionary or charades. If you have to, ask to be tickled. If you still can’t laugh, look into Laughter Yoga (www.laughteryoga.org) How can you laugh this weekend?
Do Something You’ve Never Done Before
We all get stuck in the rut of life. A simple thing to shake this up is to do something you’ve never done before. This weekend find something to discover, explore or invent. Find a part of your city you've never been to. I think I’ll go to MOCA, one of the museums I have yet to go to since moving to Los Angeles. Listen to your child without thinking of what needs to be done next. Paint. Or Knit. Or learn a few sentences in a foreign language. Learning, seeing or doing something new can refresh your whole perspective. What new thing can you try this weekend?
As you do these things check in with yourself and see how you feel. Do you feel calm, vulnerable, scared, refreshed? How does play and fun affect your hunger? Getting to know yourself doesn’t have to be hard work. It can be an adventure.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 1:47:16 AM | 6 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 2009
10 Things You Must Know About Hypothyroidism
As many of you know, I have struggled with thyroid problems for the past ten years. I actually think my thyroid problems began when I was around eleven but they were only diagnosed when I was twenty-five and was experiencing a bout of hyperthyroidism with a resting heart rate of 125. At the time, the doctors suggested I take radioactive iodine. I refused and my thyroid stabilized but a few years later I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, a common form of Hypothyroidism. I have spent a lot of time researching both western and eastern approaches to caring for hypothyroidism. I wanted to share ten things that you must consider if you have a thyroid condition. Please note: I am not a medical doctor. These are simply things that I have discovered over the years.
[more]
1. Check Your Ferritin Level
Ferritin indicates the amount of iron that you have stored in your body. People with hypothyroidism often have a hard time absorbing iron. Low iron levels can create a lot of uncomfortable feelings that mimic symptoms of hypothyroidism—foggy thinking, depression, fatigue, low sex drive, etc. If you determine you have low levels of Ferritin, you may need to take an iron supplement. Just be sure that you don’t take it with your thyroid replacement.
2. Use Iodized Salt
In a world that has come to appreciate good quality food, many of us use sea salt. While sea salt is delicious, it doesn’t contain iodine—a necessary nutrient for the health of your thyroid. One way around this is to use iodized salt in your cooking and sea salt on salads and on the table.
3. Avoid Soy Products
Soy has been shown to inhibit normal thyroid function. Small amounts of soy are fine but these days many people have substituted soy products for many of the foods that they eat using soy cheese, soy meats, soymilk, etc. Limit your soy intake.
4. Avoid Goitrogens
Goitrogens are foods which suppress thyroid function. They include broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts, mustard, kale, canola oil, soy, pine nuts, millet and peanuts. In people with normal thyroid function, goitrogens can cause hypothyroidism and goiter. In people with hypothyroidism, goitrogens can further depress thyroid function and can exaggerate a goiter.
5. Check Your Cortisol Levels
Cortisol is a hormone produced by your adrenal glands. Often adrenal exhaustion precedes hypothyroidism. If you get diagnosed with hypothyroid having never helped your adrenal glands, you may not be able to absorb synthetic thyroid like Synthroid or levoxyl. If you have hypothyroid, check your adrenals. You can do this with a saliva or blood test.
6. Consider Taking T3 Along With T4
Synthroid or Levoxyl only provides T4. The thyroid produces two hormones T3 and T4. T4 has to be converted into T3 to be absorbed. However, many people have difficulty converting T4 into T3. Therefore taking some T3 (keep in mind if you take Armour thyroid or Naturethyroid they contain both T3 & T4) can often help relieve symptoms.
7. Take Your Temperature
People with hypothyroid often have a lowered body temperature. If your body temperature hasn’t yet come up to normal, it may mean that for one reason, or another you’re not absorbing your thyroid replacement hormone or that you don’t have a high enough dose. If you haven’t been diagnosed with hypothyroidism taking your temperature can help determine if your thyroid isn’t working properly. Here is a method for taking your temperature: http://www.drrind.com/therapies/metabolic-temperature-graph
8. Avoid Wheat
It has been shown that many people who develop hypothyroidism also have a sensitivity to gluten. If you have hypothyroidism give yourself a month off of gluten products and see how you feel. I have experienced great relief by cutting wheat out of my diet.
9. Meditation and Yoga
Meditation helps naturally balance Cortisol levels. This can help you if you already have hypothyroidism or help you avoid it if you don’t yet have it. If you already have hypothyroidism it’s a good idea to do a shoulder stand once a day. If you don’t know how to do one, here’s how: http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/480
10. Consider the Emotional Component
The thyroid gland is a butterfly shaped gland that wraps around your throat and voice box. A butterfly represents transformation. Is there some way in which you are avoiding change? Is there something that you have avoided expressing? Expressing yourself can positively affect your thyroid condition. Louise Hay says that thyroid problems come from a feeling of “I never get to do what I want to do. When is it going to be my turn?” The affirmation that she recommends is “I move beyond old limitations and now allow myself to express freely and creatively.”
It is tricky to balance the thyroid and I know how frustrating it can be but if you take some of these things into consideration it will get a lot easier. Hypothyroidism can pose a real challenge to losing the weight that we want to lose, but if we have the right information it doesn’t have to be quite so hard. You’re not alone. There is so much we can learn from one another.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:42:59 PM | 11 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 2009
How Stress Gets You Into a Rut that Makes You Overeat
When you fall into a habit of overeating, does it feel like it gets easier to keep repeating that undesirable behavior? One binge will lead to three. One bout of late night emotional eating can lead to a whole week of late night emotional eating. If it feels that way, it’s because that is actually what happens. When we get into a rut, it becomes easier to stay in that rut.
[more]
In this week’s New York Times, Natalie Angier, published a brilliant piece about the vicious cycles that get created when we’re under stress. She references a study by Nuno Sousa of the Life and Health Sciences Research Institute at the University of Minho in Portugal that reveals how the brains of chronically stressed rats will atrophy in the areas of decision making, while becoming overly developed in the area of habit formation.
This could explain why when under stress we abandon our best thinking and fall back into old habits like overeating. Angier mentions Dr. Robert Sapolsky, a neurobiologist who studies stress at Stanford, who said, “we’re lousy at recognizing when our normal coping mechanisms aren’t working. Our response is usually to do it five times more, instead of thinking, maybe it’s time to try something new.” So, even though overeating doesn’t really help us feel better we can’t stop ourselves from continuing to do it. It’s simply how our brains are wired when we’re under stress.
According to Angier, the good news is that with only a few weeks of vacation in a supportive environment the formerly stressed rats were able to think clearly and decisively. Perhaps we can learn from the rats by taking these last few weeks of summer to get out of our ruts, rest our brains, and remember how to use our best thinking especially when it comes to what we eat, and how we choose to cope with the stress in our lives. The rest will actually reshape your brain.
To read the whole article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html?_r=1&emc=eta1
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:12:32 AM | 6 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2009
Food As a Form of Punishment
A few weeks ago I covered the topic of food as a source of reward. On the flip side, people also use food and overeating as a form of punishment. Using food, whether as a source of comfort or as a hostile act towards yourself or others, is still emotional eating. It is giving food more power than food deserves. Do you use food as a form of punishment? Before you answer, read keep on reading.
[more]
1. Using Food to Hurt Yourself
Over the years I have worked with many people who have reported that they ate to punish themselves. It was an act of self-hatred. “I found myself eating ten Twix bars because I hated myself so much and it was a way to get back at myself,” someone shared with me. Food, especially in excessive quantities, can hurt us. No different than the person that cuts themselves, overeating or binging, can be a way that we inflict pain on ourselves. Do you eat to hurt yourself?
2. Using Food to Hurt Someone Else
Another common theme is people that eat to prove to someone else (usually a parent or a spouse) that they can’t be controlled. One man who had harbored a long-standing resentment towards his wife made sure that he didn’t lose the weight she wanted him to lose by eating an ice-cream sundae every night on his way home from work. It is normal to resist being dominated by another person but does it really make sense to put your own health in jeopardy out of spite? Are you punishing anyone in your life by overeating or staying overweight?
3. Using Food to Get Back at Society
In a more global way, perhaps our obesity epidemic is just a grand scale way that we are punishing a society that expects us to be perfect. We may get so down on ourselves believing that we will never live up to the ideal, that we abandon all effort entirely. Are you fed up with a society that expects you to be too thin, completely fit and tightly toned?
If you are using food as a form of punishment, you may want to ask yourself why. Is it really getting you the result you want? Not just in terms of how your body looks and feels, but is it getting you the love and acceptance you want from a partner or parent? Is it getting you a feeling of belonging by the world? And if your answer is no, how can you handle your real feelings productively instead of by punishing with food? You deserve to eat well, feel good and have fulfilling relationships. Overeating as a form of punishment postpones treating yourself well.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:26:58 PM | 18 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 05, 2009
What Can a Year of Shrink Yourself Do For You?
In my posts I often talk about emotional eating from various angles and how it affects various aspects of our lives. I try to explain how the Shrink Yourself program impacts emotional eating as both a professional and as a fellow recovering emotional eater. However, the best way for you to understand some of these things is to listen to the words of one of our members who has been using the principles of our program for a year. Her post gave me great hope that emotional eaters can recover their power, lose weight and live more fulfilling lives. I hope her words will give you the same sense of inspiration I experienced.
I started SY in early August of 2008—so I've now had about a year.
Am I an emotional eater? Or am I a healthy eater? Sometimes I can be either, but I do want to recount the progress I've made in recovery after about a year of Shrink Yourself:
[more]
1. I've lost 64 pounds. Woo hoo!
2. I've changed my goal from an " ideal weight" goal to a body fat goal. I'm 32.1% body fat today. I'm shooting for 29% because my YMCA trainer told me that's the high end of the healthy range for females my age.
3. I got rid of my high blood pressure—I'm no longer on medications for it.
4. My high cholesterol, hyperlipidemia, is gone now, too.
5. Pre-diabetic symptoms are gone.
6. Even though I'm still overweight, I accept and even pretty much like my body now. I look at other women my age now, the vast majority of whom seem to be overweight or obese, and I generally feel like "my body is okay.” I'm not sure I'll make that body fat percentage goal because the last couple of months I've been losing it so slowly—but I at least want to maintain what I've done and hopefully keep making slow progress.
7. My junk food consumption has gone from daily to less than once a week. Other than a couple of Subway sandwiches, I can't recall eating any fast food in the past year. Primarily I now cook my own natural food.
8. Now I see cooking and meal prep as nurturing myself, not as drudgery.
9. Where I used to see sweets and refined foods as desirable, now I see them as undesirable, and very rarely have cravings for them.
10. Whereas I used to never get 5 fruits or vegetables per day, now it's probably a rare day when I don't get at least a dozen servings. If I overeat now, it's usually on healthy food and does very little "damage,” either to my health, or my appearance, or to how I feel about myself.
11. I can think of only a handful of 500-700 calorie binges in the past year. Mostly I am doing binge prevention.
12. I am exercising enough—usually 6-12 times a week (I like to split my workouts up into two 30-45 minute sessions instead of once a day).
13. I can run now. In fact--- I've improved so much in cardiovascular fitness I can't easily get my heart rate into the cardio range with most exercises other than running now.
14. I rarely use food as a reward (as opposed to nearly daily before.) I enjoy food but don't tend to think of it as "a treat.”
15. I often listen to my body (but not always). My husband took me out to eat last week for prime rib (which I'm sensitive to) and I said "what the heck if I'm going to eat something bad for me I'm not stopping till it's gone" and stuffed myself—and then regretted it. I realized it had been so long since I had had the stuffed feeling that I had totally forgotten how miserable it is and gave myself a "memory booster.” Last night we went out to eat again and believe me I DID NOT stuff myself again and chose only healthy foods from the all-you-can-eat buffet.
13. I can usually tell the difference between physical and emotional hunger. I'm getting better at not eating when I know the hunger is emotional—but sometimes I still do it anyway.
14. Sometimes I savor my food and am not the first one finished (This is still the habit that’s the toughest for me).
Anyway--- I'm hoping this will be helpful to some of the people newer at the program wondering if the program will really help them. For me, it clearly has even though I'm still a work in progress and am still in the program.
As the Clinical Director of Shrink Yourself I want to remind you that there is hope. Patterns can change, even long-standing ones. There is so much more at stake than just the number on the scale. What’s at stake is your health, your fulfillment and your confidence in your ability to take control of your life.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 3:43:31 PM | 19 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JULY 29, 2009
Food is NOT a Reward!
The other day I was driving past a Jack in the Box restaurant and I noticed one of the signs in their window. It was a picture of their mascot (the funny cartoon headed guy) with a slogan that said (paraphrasing here), “Treat yourself…not to a massage or anything, just something off the menu.” Food is not a reward, I repeat, food is not a reward. One of the things that most confuses us in our relationship to food is the belief that food is a reward. And worse than that, many of us believe, food is the only reward that we have.
If you think food is a reward, keep reading.
[more]
Maybe you were treated to an ice-cream for a good score on a test. At my son’s school they have root-beer float, popcorn, and popsicle parties for jobs well done. We are given the message that food is the acknowledgment we get for putting in the effort or putting up with something intolerable. Maybe your mother told you if you went on boring errands with her you could go through the drive-thru of your favorite fast food restaurant.
All of us need reward, acknowledgment, and recognition for work well done. It’s part of human nature. Sadly, food can become the most obvious and readily accessible form of reward we can find. Once we’ve found food, we stop looking for other creative ways to reward ourselves, and others. I work with people everyday that don’t even know how they might reward themselves, if not with food. We work together to find other ways. And if you want to leave a big part of your overeating behind, you’ll need to find other forms of reward, too.
Non-Edible Rewards for Children
As parents, we inadvertently give our children the message that food is a reward. It’s almost unavoidable. Recently, my nine-year old son was put on a restrictive diet for medical reasons. He can’t eat wheat, dairy, soy, or sugar. The simple solution of offering food to reward him is no longer an option. A carrot stick doesn’t really seem like a tasty treat to a kid. His adherence to this way of eating makes him even more worthy of a reward. But what? Here are some suggestions: Movies, books, $5 to spend in a store of their choice, undivided attention, watching a show with them that THEY like, wrestling, playing a board game, doing an art project, taking them to a museum, looking at childhood photos or videos, building a fort, sending them an email telling them how proud you are.
Non-Edible Rewards for Yourself
As a single-mother I often don’t have someone looking out for how much I’ve done or how tired I might be. In the past nine years, I haven gotten really good at finding ways to reward myself. I know many single mothers, who in the absence of a partner have made food their co-parent, their lover, or their friend. Here are some things that I do to reward myself. I keep Epsom Salts in the house for a pre-bed bath. I make sure I have a good book to read. Every so often I treat myself to a trashy magazine, a pedicure, or an afternoon movie. I go to bed early (yes, that can be a reward). I give myself a facial. I lie on the grass and read the cartoons from The New Yorker. I call a friend.
Non-Edible Rewards for Partners, Lovers & Spouses
The age-old act of romance is bringing someone you love chocolates. But is it really romantic to give someone confections that can make them overweight or fall into a sugar coma? Now, isn’t that an enticing image? Candy is so fleeting. How about giving your sweetheart a foot massage, a love letter, a hand-packed healthy lunch with a note on the napkin, a complaint-free day, a valentine on a day other than February 14th, a drawn bath wit bath oils, a clean house, or an attentive listening ear. All of these other things are more likely to be remembered.
When we eliminate food as a reward, we can get pretty creative. We all deserve rewards but let’s see what happens when we don’t eat those rewards.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:50:24 PM | 11 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, JULY 23, 2009
Losing Weight Can Be as Simple as Breathing In
Over the years, I have heard every excuse for why people can’t exercise—arthritis, tendonitis, bursitis, plantar fasciitis. You name it, I’ve heard it! I’ve also helped people look for appropriate forms of exercise that would help them, not harm them. Substitution is always better than elimination. It’s better for the runner to walk than to sit idle. It’s better for the weight lifter to do yoga than to give up. But one of the most effective forms of exercise that can be done by anyone despite what itis they might have is breathing. We were born doing it and we’ll do it until the moment we die. Yet few of us realize what a powerful and effective tool it can be in our efforts to lose weight.
Why is breathing so terrific? Keep reading.
[more]
Pranayama is a Sanskrit word meaning "restraint of the prana or breath". The word is composed of two Sanskrit words, “Prāna” (life force or vital energy, particularly pertaining to the breath) and "āyāma" (to suspend or restrain). It is often translated as “control of the life force. Yogis make a whole practice of learning how to breathe properly. Most of us take breathing for granted. We assume that we already know everything there is to know about how to breathe.
How Will Breathing Help Me?
For one, breathing brings oxygen to all of your cells. If you’re an emotional eater constantly looking to fill up on food, perhaps you haven’t considered that you might actually be starving, but not for food, for air. I recall meeting a woman who lost a significant amount of weight. When I questioned how she did it she replied, “I simply added in a breathing practice.” More oxygen to your cells definitely means better metabolism; but I get the sense that breathing offered her more than just a simple miracle cure. Breathing reduces tension, helps you feel centered, lowers blood pressure, calms your mind. Having increased sources of relaxation makes it easier not to rely on food for comfort and to make better food choices overall.
A simple breath practice also begins to condition your body so that it can be prepared for other kinds of exercise. Your lungs expand and become more accustomed to being full of air instead subsisting on the tiny sips of air that most of us shallow breathers take.
How to Breathe
The two things you learn how to do as soon as you’re born are breathe and eat, in that order. Maybe when we don’t breath so well, we rely on the second skill a lot more. However, by taking five minutes a day to not just breathe, but breathe well, we can completely alter how we feel.
Four Square Breathing
This type of breathing can help you in the midst of an anxiety or panic attack, can be used for meditation, or can simply be used to calm yourself down.
1. Take a deep breath. .
2. Hold it for four seconds.
3. Exhale for four seconds.
4. Do nothing for four seconds. Then, repeat.
Alternate Nostril Breathing
This is a yogic type of breathing that will help you relax, achieve a blissful state of being, and balance both sides of your brain. If you do better with a visual aid there are videos on YouTube that will show you how to do this.
1. Breathe in through your left nostril while holding your right nostril closed with your finger for the count of eight.
2. Hold for the count of eight.
3. Breath out through your right nostril while holding your left nostril closed with your finger for the count of eight.
4. Breathe in through your right nostril while holding your left nostril closed with your finger for the count of eight.
5. Hold for the count of eight.
6. Breath out through your left nostril while holding your right nostril closed with your finger for the count of eight.
7. Repeat from step one.
Breath of Fire
Breath of Fire is a part of Kundalini Yoga. It is used to energize and detoxify the body. It produces heat. Please note that you should try this one in small doses and you should stop if you become dizzy.
1. Sit in a comfortable position.
2. Elongate your spine.
3. Close your eyes.
4. Relax your stomach muscles.
5. Now begin to breathe rapidly through the nose with equal emphasis on the inhalation and exhalation. It will be like very fast sniffing. Keep the breath shallow, just at the tip of the nose. Proceed at a comfortable pace and establish a steady rhythm. You will find that the stomach pulses on its own in rhythm to the breath. Continue for one minute.
In less than five minutes a day, you could breathe yourself to a better body, a calmer mind, and a happier disposition. Why not give it a try? It’s as simple as breathing in.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:14:56 PM | 6 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2009
Understand Your Emotions Instead of Eating to Stuff Them Down
If you’re an emotional eater, any emotion can become frightening. First, the emotional eater learns to eat to deal with a particular emotion that seems intolerable. It could be fear, anger, or depression. After some time, any feeling at all will trigger a craving for food.
The more you stuff your feelings with food, the less comfortable you are facing your feelings. Over time, almost any feeling becomes too much. The problem with this is that you’ll often end up feeling stuck in life because you are not using your feelings to guide you and inform your choices.
Emotions don’t need to be feared if you understand the messages behind them. This past weekend I had the good fortune of taking a workshop with horses. It was not a riding workshop but a workshop in which one interacts with the horses in order to access and understand one’s feelings more fully. During the workshop they handed out something called The Emotional Message Chart. It was adapted by Linda Kohanov from Karla McClaren’s “Emotional Genius.” This chart could really help emotional eaters to befriend the feelings they have been trying to run from. I hope you will find it useful.
[more]
Kohanov says, “For horses, emotions are not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ They recognize that emotions are information, always useful for staying safe and keeping us right with the world. Horses are uncomfortable when emotions are suppressed, ignored, or masked.”
Look at the chart below. Identify your feelings and the messages behind them. Then ask yourself the associated questions (or speak the associated affirmations for the last three emotions on the chart). When you don’t ask and answer these questions they often become intense (you’ll be able to see the intense version on the chart below). It’s this intensity that we try to dial down with the comfort of food.
Emotion: Fear
Message: Intuitive, focused awareness of something that is a threat to our physical, mental, or emotional well-being.
Questions: What is the threat? What action must I take to move to a position of safety?
Intensity: Worry, anxiety, confusion, dulling of senses, panic, terror, disassociation.
Emotion: Vulnerability
Message: Something significant is about to change or be revealed.
Questions: What wants to happen, and how does this seem to threaten the status quo? What behavior, belief, or perception is being challenged?
Intensity: Panic. Anger.
Emotion: Anger
Message: Proper boundaries should be maintained or rebuilt.
Questions: What must be protected? What must be restored? What is the emotion behind the mask and is it directed at me?
Intensity: Rage, fury, shame, guilt (directed at self). Boredom or apathy masks anger that can’t be dealt with, a nonviolent coping mechanism.
(THIS IS PARTICULARLY INTERESTING FOR THE EMOTIONAL EATER BECAUSE I OFTEN HEAR THAT PEOPLE EAT OUT OF BOREDOM. ANOTHER THING THAT IS QUITE COMMON IS THE FEELING APATHY (“I DON’T CARE” OR “WHY BOTHER?”). IF THESE ARE COMMON EMOTIONS FOR YOU, YOU MIGHT WANT TO INQUIRE INTO THE ANGER BEHIND THOSE FEELINGS. PERHAPS YOU ARE ANGRY BECAUSE FOOD IS A STRUGGLE FOR YOU AND DOESN’T SEEM TO BE FOR OTHERS.)
Emotion: Frustration
Message: What I am doing is not working.
Questions: What approach haven’t I tried?
Intensity: Defeat. Despair
(THIS ONE IS SO RELEVANT TO OVEREATERS BECAUSE THE QUESTION BEHIND THE FRUSTRATION IS ‘WHAT APPROACH HAVEN’T I TRIED?’ OFTENTIMES, PEOPLE TRY THE SAME WAY EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NOT GETTING THE RESULTS THEY WANT (A PATTERN OF ONE DIET AFTER ANOTHER ILLUSTRATES THIS PERFECTLY). A NEW APPROACH IS NEEDED. THAT’S WHY ‘SHRINK YOURSELF’ SEEKS TO HELP PEOPLE STOP THE FRUSTRATING APPROACH OF TRYING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. IT OFFERS A NEW AND DIFFERENT WAY.)
Emotion: Sadness
Message: Restores flow to the psyche when loss is imminent and in our best interest.
Questions: What must be released? What must be rejuvenated?
Intensity: Despair. Despondence.
Emotion: Grief
Message: No choice about releasing something, the loss or death has already occurred.
Questions: What must be mourned?
Intensity: Depression
Emotion: Depression
Message: Stagnation; the stop sign of the soul.
Questions: Where has my energy gone? Where is it now? What new direction gives me energy?
Intensity: Loss of self or of life’s purpose, physical illness, suicidal urge.
Emotion: Suicidal Urge
Message: The life being lived is endangering body and soul at such extreme levels that it will cause permanent damage.
Questions: What must end now? What must be killed? What can no longer be tolerated in my psyche?
Intensity: Soul death. Physical death.
Emotion: Happiness
Message: Happiness can only flow freely when you allow all of your emotional energies to flow.
Questions (AFFIRMATION): Thank you for this joyful celebration.
Intensity: Merriment, gaiety, hope, delight, wonder, playfulness, invigoration.
Emotion: Joy
Message: Joy will seek you out if you let it move in its own time and its own way—not in yours.
Questions (AFFIRMATION): Thank you for this radiant moment!
Intensity: Expansion, communion, inspiration, splendor, radiance, bliss.
Emotion: Contentment
Message: Be willing to challenge yourself and risk failure. Real contentment comes from real accomplishments.
Questions (AFFIRMATION): Thank you for renewing my faith in myself.
Intensity: Enjoyment, satisfaction, self-respect, renewal and fulfillment.
(THIS ONE IS ALWAYS PARTICULARLY RELEVANT TO OUR WORK HERE AT ‘SHRINK YOURSELF’. WHEN YOU ARE WILLING TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF AND RISK FAILURE, YOU WILL FIND A NEW WAY TO APPROACH OVEREATING, BINGE EATING, EMOTIONAL EATING, OR FOOD ADDICTION. THEN, YOU WILL FIND YOUR FAITH IN YOURSELF RENEWED AND YOU WILL BE CONTENT.)
Play with the messages in this chart to better understand your emotions. Your emotions will become important tools that will serve to guide you instead of menaces that need to be eaten away. (For more information on working with horses go to www.equineenergetix.com )
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 4:58:39 PM | 8 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, JULY 09, 2009
Learn from a Former Shrink Yourself Member's Success
Each person’s triumph over emotional eating looks similar on the one hand, unique on the other. There are always common themes to how someone heals a pattern of emotional eating despite their specific details. No matter what the specifics are we can all learn from listening and sharing, honestly, with one another. Here are some powerful points I'd like to share from an interview with a former Shrink Yourself member.
Accept Yourself Wherever You Are
Jan had done well working to overcome a pattern of emotional eating but she was still not the exact weight that she wanted to be. She would have liked to be about ten pounds less but it seemed the scale wouldn’t budge. She had two choices. She could beat herself up about this, or she could accept herself in a more loving way. It took a while, but Jan decided to accept herself at a slightly larger size than she was comfortable with. Doing this freed up her mind to enjoy life a little more. There was no longer a dark cloud of shame and disgust veiling her days.
Live in the Solution, Not the Problem
Sometimes, accepting where you are can open the door to a new and often simpler way. By no longer focusing on the problem so much, Jan was able to find her way to a solution that worked for her. She read a book called, “Mindless Eating” by Brian Wansink Ph.D. In the book Dr. Wansink talks about how people eat without thinking about it. He describes inviting people to a dinner where the soup bowls were rigged to keep filling themselves up with more soup. The guests kept eating and eating despite the bottomless bowl. He also invited people to a movie theater where some were given big bags of popcorn and others small ones. No matter what the size of the bag, everyone finished what they were given. Not to mention that the popcorn was two weeks old! The bottom line of his book is that we eat mindlessly. A tip that he gives is that if you eat just 20% less, your mind won’t register that you’re less full, and you will lose weight. Jan decided to give this a try. If she took out ten nuts to eat from a bag, she put two back in, and ate eight. If she took a scoop of tuna salad, she took one tablespoon out and put it back in the container. It didn’t take much effort, but in about six months she had lost most of those last few pounds that didn’t want to come off and felt really great about her body. We all need little tips and tricks. If we focus on the problem too much, we sometimes miss a solution that will work for us. By sharing these solutions with each other, we can try different things until we find something that resonates with us.
Small Steps Still Make a Big Difference
Jan was able to leave a lot of emotional eating behind by finding other ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings. She found that she was still having emotional eating episodes some of the time, but not all of the time. And that is good enough. Remember, it’s normal to reach for the comfort of food once in a while. It only becomes a problem when eating becomes the only solution you have to deal with your emotions. If you use food twenty out of twenty times, it’s emotional eating. If you use food one out of twenty times, its not.
Don’t expect perfection. Just try your best. Small steps really do make a big difference.
Be Interested in Something Other Than Food & Weight
Many people share that an obsession with food can take every bit of their time and energy (and even their money). Jan shared that she had always been interested in finding ways to raise awareness about human rights issues. As a teacher, she did this with her students. Recently, she has helped to cultivate awareness about a hospital in the Congo called Heal Africa (www.healafrica.org) that helps rape victims heal from a condition call fistula. If you find yourself overly concerned with your weight, volunteer your time, find a cause, or reawaken a dormant dream.
Success doesn’t mean perfection. It doesn’t mean never using food for comfort. It just means showing up for yourself and taking small steps with the trust that they will get you to where you want to go.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 6:39:19 AM | 4 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JULY 01, 2009
The Missing Link to Getting Slim for Summer
Summer is here, whether or not we feel ready for it. On New Year’s Day many people start to worry about getting slim for swimsuit season. Then, on the first day of spring they might start to get panicked. By the time summer actually hits, if a certain goal hasn’t been reached, it’s easy to throw in the towel and just wait for next year. But next year it can be the same thing all over again. Even if you’re not as slim as you’d like to be for the summer, there’s still hope.
[more]
Losing weight requires a delicate balance. It requires a balance between taking actions that will help you get to your goal and accepting yourself exactly where you are today. This balance of acceptance and moving forward is the missing link to getting slim this summer no matter where you are today. So, how do we do that if summer has descended and we’re still not happy with how we look and feel?
1. NEXT SUMMER IS TOO LATE
Being a perfectionist about your weight always does more harm than good. It paves the way to black-and-white thinking where you’re likely to give up for this year and decide to eat ice-cream cones every night until next year. Summer is actually a perfect time to take small steps towards your goal. It’s an easier time of year to be physically active. It’s an easier time of year to eat fresh fruits, simple grilled meats and salads. And it can be an easier time of year to relax and that means less emotional eating.
2. ACCEPT YOURSELF NOW
No matter what you look like in a bathing suit you can love and accept yourself as you are. Your value is not determined by what your body looks like. The more you talk to yourself in a loving, kind and accepting way the easier it will be to take those small steps towards changing your behavior for the better. Talking to yourself harshly and critically only feeds that black-and-white thinking that leads to emotional eating.
Progress is more important than perfection. You don’t have to be perfect for summer, you just have to keep moving forward.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:42:23 AM | 12 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2009
4 Ways We Contribute to One Another's Unhealthy Relationships with Food
The other day while waiting at the register in a local pharmacy I saw the cover of one of those trashy tabloids that showed a bunch of actresses and models in their bathing suits from the rear view. Most of the comments were talking about the women’s cellulite as though it was the biggest sin since murder. I have to admit I couldn’t stop myself from looking at the glossy pages. And for a moment, I understood how seeing these pictures could definitely make someone throw in the towel with a thought that goes something like this: “If these women who have endless access to trainers and nutritionists can’t get it right, what chance do I have?” However, a little research on cellulite will reveal that it’s a naturally occurring part of MOST women’s bodies. If you have cellulite, you are the norm, not the exception. Why should you feel bad about something that is a normally occurring part of having a human body?
The fact is that we shouldn’t feel bad, but most of us do. We contribute to one another’s bad relationships with food and with our bodies in subtle and profound ways. Take a look at the list below to see how we contribute to other people’s eating disorders:
[more]
1.Being the Media’s Puppet
Do you let film, television, and magazines dictate how you think you should look? Do you compare yourself to actresses and models? Depending on the era, different body types have been en vogue—waifish, voluptuous, zaftig, muscular. Body types change like fashion and we neither can adapt nor should we have to. We don’t have to fall prey to how the media says we should look. For example, I have worn wedge shoes for years. A couple of years ago they came into fashion and everyone assumed that I was wearing them for that reason. I wore them before and I plan on wearing them even if they become passé. You can decide what you want to look like no matter what’s on the pages of your favorite magazine. How can you become more immune to the effects of the media?
2. Commenting on Other People’s Weight
Something that is often done with good intention but is nevertheless damaging is commenting on people’s weight. Even when the comment is complimentary, the results can still be destructive. I know many women who struggled with anorexia. In the throes of their eating disorders, many reported that they received so many compliments despite being unhealthily thin. Telling someone that they’ve lost or gained weight contributes to a fixation on weight and food. Share with someone how happy you are to see them or how grateful you are that they made time for you. Taking the focus away from weight helps us all in the long run. Can you stop commenting on weight changes and appearances in yourself and others?
3. Ragging on Ourselves
It’s so common to hear people call themselves fat or poke fun at their bodies that we have become desensitized to it. Talking negatively about our bodies greases the slope for everyone. It contributes to a spirit of competition and comparison. I live in Los Angeles where a lot of people will say they need to lose weight if they’re not the “required” ten pounds underweight. I often find myself getting angry wondering where exactly they think they should lose the weight…perhaps off their internal organs. If we can all learn to speak about our bodies with love and acceptance, then it will be so much easier to treat ourselves lovingly with good food and exercise. Stirring up all this negativity and hatred just sends us into the arms of food. Can you stop talking negatively about your body?
4. Good Food – Bad Food
Labeling foods good or bad can lead to binges. Every so often certain foods become off limits. When I was in college everyone avoided fats and lived on carbs. Now, carbs are evil and fat is your friend. When we avoid doing the work of knowing which foods are best for our particular bodies and instead get on the good food/bad food band wagon, we can get very confused. We can feel self-righteous when we are eating the “good foods.” And we can get judgmental of others when they are eating the “bad foods.” I’ve seen people glare at someone for saying “yes” to a piece of baguette with their bowl of soup. Food can almost become like the bad-boy lover. Everyone tells you to get away from him, but you just can’t seem to resist. When you take away the taboo element of it all, everything gets easier. How can you stop yourself from labeling foods good or bad?
Many of us have done these things with good intentions. Many of us have had these things done to us and suffered because of it. And there’s no question that all of these opinions and ideas are affecting how the young people in our society think about themselves. However, we can make it easier for ourselves, and others, by becoming more conscious. We often think that the answer to all of this is thinking our way into right actions. For example, I need to lose weight so that means I should eat less, and so I’ll do it and that will be that. But it doesn’t work that way. We actually need to act our way into right thinking. In other words, by changing simple actions (like the things listed above) you will begin to think in a different and more empowered way—in a way that helps you accept yourself and others more freely. When you do that, those images on the covers of magazines will not be nearly as compelling as who a person is and what they have to contribute. Wouldn’t it be nice if cellulite was no longer considered a cover story and was instead replaced with modern day stories of courage, compassion, and creativity?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:56:08 AM | 9 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17, 2009
3 Reasons More and More People Are Addicted to Food
Overeating and obesity are often blamed on things like lack of willpower, metabolism, or genetics. However, more and more studies (including those in animal research) are revealing that food addiction is real. You might wonder why more and more people seem to be addicted to food these days. Weight issues are on the rise and if we look closely we might be able to determine why. The answer might help us find solutions for ourselves. Since it can be tempting to focus more on the problem than on the solution I will offer a solution to each problem here.
[more]
PROBLEM ONE: FOOD ADDITIVES MAKE US FAT
Studies continue to reveal that additives in food make us fat. Certain foods, particularly fast foods, can be engineered to make us crave them. David Kessler’s book, The End of Overeating, shows us how we can become hardwired to eat large quantities of foods that are dangerous to our health. The lure of these types of food has us getting up in our pajamas to go to our nearest drive-thru. In other words, we have become more and more physically addicted to food, the same way we could become addicted to nicotine or drugs.
SOLUTION
Cravings are almost never for broiled chicken, steamed broccoli, or slices of fresh peaches. It’s not that those foods can’t be delicious but cravings are usually for things like cookies, doughnuts, baked goods, chips, etc. Clear your diet of unhealthy foods. The closer a food is to its natural source the less likely you’ll be to crave that food in an unnatural way.
PROBLEM TWO: LIFE IS MORE STRESSFUL
The faster pace of life these days affects our weight. For one, when we’re stressed and rushed we’re more likely to grab unhealthy foods on the go. Secondly, constantly being overstimulated keeps our nervous systems in an activated state. By not letting our bodies shut down and relax our cortisol levels (cortisol is a hormone produced by our adrenal glands) get heightened. Elevated cortisol levels make it difficult to take off extra weight, especially around one’s belly. Food, especially carbohydrates and sweets, can give us a little dose of calm that our adrenal glands no longer know how to create. Therefore, we become physically dependent on the calm that food can provide.
SOLUTION
In simple terms, relax. Shut off the TV, the computer, and the radio. Allow yourself a little bit of quiet everyday. Breathe deeply. You’d be amazed how many people simply forget to breathe. A friend of mine told me that she takes three deep breaths every time she goes to the bathroom. This allows her at least a certain amount of deep breaths per day. Adopt a meditation practice. Meditation has been shown to lower elevated cortisol levels. If you want a simple way to shut down your body, close your eyes and notice if your eyes are still moving beneath your lids. Follow the movements until they slow down. As you do, a feeling of calm will wash over you.
PROBLEM THREE: TALKING DOESN’T TEACH US ANYTHING
In modern times it’s easy to believe that we are more emotionally open and mature. But just because we talk openly about almost anything on talk shows and blogs it’s not necessarily the case. However, the truth is that talking about things doesn’t necessarily teach us how to deal with them. For the most part, we are just as confused as ever about how to handle our feelings. This leads us to looking towards food for comfort more and more frequently. We soothe and nurture ourselves by eating. This is why we are emotionally addicted to food.
SOLUTION:
The best thing you can do to avoid eating is to understand your feelings. Feelings are like weather - they happen and then they pass. But the problem is that we take our feelings very seriously and that’s when they get overwhelming. This sends us searching for the comfort of food. Simply learn what you need when you feel angry, sad, lonely, frustrated, or anxious. Then, you’ll be better equipped to face almost anything without food. Just as knowing the right hat and shoes to wear in a snowstorm can make it so much more bearable, learning how to deal with your feelings will enable you to turn to food less frequently. Remember, feelings aren’t facts. They don’t last that long.
There are so many comforting components to eating that it’s understandable that we’d become addicted to that kind of comfort. Food is so accessible these days. It’s everywhere and there is a heightened focus on food. But if you focus on the solution more than the problem you’ll find yourself recovering your power and becoming the master of what and when you eat.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 4:44:03 PM | 12 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, JUNE 09, 2009
The Darker Side of Emotional Eating: Overcoming Bulimia & Other Eating Disorders
Our site was created to help people overcome Emotional Eating. We wanted people to have all the information and tools they need to lose weight and master their relationship with food. Emotional eating affects so many of us but what you need to know is that there are darker sides of emotional eating and bulimia is one of them.
Bulimia is an eating disorder where a person consumes a huge amount of food and then attempts to purge it from their system by vomiting, taking laxatives or exercising excessively. The pattern itself can become addictive and despite promises made to oneself that each time will be the last time, the behavior continues. Bingeing and purging often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self-hatred, not mention what it can do to your body and teeth.
I often tell the people that we work with here at Shrink Yourself that using food may provide a few moments of relief or comfort but it can never get you what you really need. And in the same way, purging might give you a symbolic feeling that you are wiping the slate clean or getting rid of something you don’t want. But it can never take away the things that you are really trying to get rid of for example, anxiety, fear, regret, sadness, abuse, etc.
This week I interviewed a woman who struggled with bulimia for many years. I thought it would be good for you to hear, in her words, what her experiences were so that you might find some strength and hope on your own journey.
To read the interview click here:
[more]
Q: How old were you when it started?
A: I started experimenting when I was about 15 and then really began when I was 17.
Q: How long did it go on for?
A: The worst of it was for about 6 years. After that it took years to stop all together. I probably didn’t stop completely until my early thirties. I am now forty. As recent as two years ago I had a one time slip.
Q: How often did you binge and purge?
A: At first it was a few times a week and then every day. Then for a period of time it progressed to 3 times a day.
Q: Why did you binge and purge?
A: To escape my life. To not feel my feelings. To avoid conflicts. To express my anger (the only problem with that is that I took it out on myself because I was unable to express my anger to the appropriate people in my life). To hurt myself because I was used to being hurt and neglected. To repeat on some level the abuse I experienced as a kid. To numb myself. To think of nothing but food so that I would have some relief from emotional pain (I didn't realize though that it was causing another kind of pain). To attain perfection because I felt interminably not good enough. To control my environment. To attempt order because I grew up in an atmosphere of tremendous chaos. It gave me an illusion of control. To feel "clean.” I felt dirty and bad. I was symbolically trying to rid my self of all the "bad" in me. To stay connected to my mother (She had an eating problem. She was very overweight) I didn't want to be fat like her. I was disgusted by her weight but I felt tied to her and scared to separate and our common obsession and fixation on food was something we could share. To feel masterful and good at SOMETHING. Because of very low self-esteem I was going to have a good body and be faultless in my eating. I could be perfect and not let one "bad" thing go in my body. If I ate something bad I’d get rid of it. To avoid my life and my career. A place to put all my time and energy. Feeling afraid and unable to pursue my dreams I needed something to absorb me.
Without emotional support in my life and with too much shame to share myself with others food was used for nurturance and self-soothing. It was something reliable that would always be there for me. It was a safe place to express want and need, I could take my fill of food. I could take all I wanted and not risk rejection. With people I felt like I wanted and needed too much. But with food I could take as much as I wanted or needed.
Q: Did you promise yourself each time that it would be the last?
A: Yes. Every time I swore to myself that I’d never do it again.
Q: How did you try to stop?
A: By avoiding "bad foods.” By exercising thinking that if I felt fit and trim I wouldn't try to manage my weight with bingeing and purging (but it wasn't about weight. On the surface yes, but the truth is I wasn’t even trying to lose weight). Also with psychotherapy and Overeaters Anonymous.
Q: What things were most effective in helping you stop?
A: Psychotherapy, more specifically a very loving therapist, body work, and yoga.
Q: What were some signs that you were getting better?
A: Curiosity and desire for things in the world. Less attention and focus on food and what and where and when I would eat. Eating too much and feeling a sense of acceptance instead of panic. Flexibility around food and being less rigid. Being open to more social situations where I wouldn’t be able to control my food.
Q: What would you tell other people that are binging and purging?
A: Please don't do it (easier said than done I know). Please stop hurting yourself. I know personally how hard it is not to (even if consciously you don't want to) and I have absolutely no judgment of anyone who engages in the behavior but I learned the hard way how much damage you can do to yourself. I destroyed my teeth and had to have a complete reconstruction. It was painful and costly and took several years to complete. I felt like my bulimia took years from my life and ten years to heal from. It is something I have had to take responsibility for but I have often felt robbed and cheated of a lot of time. I don't think most people who binge and purge realize the possible consequences.
I guess I would just say that if you are bingeing and purging please get help. Please find someone to talk to. It’s too hard to do alone.
If you struggle with bulimia, I hope that something here sheds some light for you on your life. Beware of a voice in your head that says anything like “I might throw up once in awhile but I’m not as bad as her” or “I have it under control.” That’s a sign that you’re trying to justify your behavior and trick yourself into believing it’s okay to continue bingeing and purging. Emotional eaters find themselves turning to food more and more once it has been installed as a coping mechanism, and bulimics find themselves purging more and more as life becomes stressful. Getting help works. You are not alone and you don’t have to face this by yourself.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 6:43:55 PM | 13 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 03, 2009
3 Steps to Build Your Own Emotional Eating Rescue Kit
Emotional Eating can get triggered at any time of day or night. You get an upsetting phone call, text or email and suddenly you’re starving. You’re out to dinner with friends and you feel left out of the conversation and dessert immediately seems like the perfect escape. Your husband and kids have gone to bed and you want some special time all to yourself but don’t know what would feel rewarding besides a few stolen cookies and a handful of chips. Emotional eating is using food to numb, comfort or reward one’s self. It is using food, not just as nutrition but also as a coping mechanism for life.
Therefore the answer is both simple and difficult. It’s simple because if you deal with your feelings head on, you won’t need food to help you along. It’s difficult because dealing with feelings head on can be frightening and overwhelming, particularly when you don’t yet have the skills to do so which is what makes the quick fix of food so enticing.
To begin to face your feelings you can build yourself an Emotional Eating Rescue Kit. This is something that you can have fun with. Just follow these three simple steps:
[more]
Step One: Identify Your Top Three Emotions That Trigger Emotional Eating
For a few weeks take the time to observe yourself. Notice which emotions send you to the drive thru lane of your nearest fast food joint. Look for the times of day that you overeat. Some people binge in the afternoon and others do so at night. Look for places where you overeat for instance in restaurants, at family gatherings, at work, or at home. Does anger, sadness, loneliness, or boredom make you most hungry? You can keep a journal or calendar until you notice some regular patterns. When you do, pick the top three feelings, times, or places that you emotionally eat.
Step Two: Build Your Rescue Kit
Get a shoebox or a big manila envelope. You can use a drawer in your night table or even the glove compartment of your car. Collect things that address the feelings that trigger you to eat. You can put inspirational writings in your kit, passages from a spiritual book, or aromatherapy, or a CD with songs that shift your mood. You can put the phone number of a friend who will hear you out. You can put pictures or images that soothe you. You can put anything in there that will help remind you to address the real feeling instead of trying to eat it away.
Step Three: Use Your Rescue Kit
Your rescue kit will only work if you use it. Practice using your kit. Develop it so that it really does address the feelings that trigger episodes of emotional eating. Don’t be afraid to use trial and error. This is about getting better and better at attending to your real needs. You can even create a pocket sized rescue kit that you keep in your purse or in your desk at work. When your emotions trigger you to eat, you can always excuse yourself, go to the restroom with your rescue kit and keep yourself present to what’s really going on for you.
Remember when you eat, you abandon yourself. By eating you don’t address your real needs, hurts, and concerns. As a result many people report feeling stuck in their lives. But when you begin to address your true feelings your life starts to propel forward. If you’re a Shrink Yourself member you have already learned to look for the underlying feeling behind the urge to binge or overeat. You may even use the Hunger Coach regularly (This is a specially designed program that you use on your computer or phone to help you understand a craving in the moment when you have it). However, there are going to be times when getting to the computer isn’t always an option. When the power is out, or your internet is down, or you’re traveling in a third world country you can still take steps to slow down, stay aware, and hold your own hand through your feelings, without the escape that food provides.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 7:35:18 PM | 22 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 2009
If Not Overeating, Then What?
So many overeaters that I talk to say, “I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t stuff my feelings down with food.” Dr. Gould says, “If you really want to know what’s bothering you, stop eating, and it will all surface.” Gosh, the idea of that can be scary because many of us emotional eaters don’t know what we’d do if we stopped using food to deal with life. Of course, that’s what we’re all learning here but it still can be frightening. As the end of the school year approaches and there are graduations and summer vacations to plan with less money than ever, I invite you to slow down for a few minutes and breathe. To help you along, this week I thought I’d write something less clinical, and more reflective.
If I didn’t keep stuffing my feelings with food I would….
[more]
If I didn’t keep stuffing my feelings with food I would….
*Cry until I got it all out of my system.
*Start asking for what I want.
*Pursue an abandoned dream.
*Answer honestly when someone asks me how I’m doing.
*Ask for forgiveness from someone I've hurt.
*See that I’m not satisfied in my relationship & work to make it better or finally make a change.
*Admit I don’t (and won't) have all the answers.
*Ask for help when I feel overwhelmed.
* Get more rest.
*Admit I’m angry and scream or punch a pillow.
*Mourn the loss of a dream, a relationship, a job, or a loved one.
*Need to meditate or pray more.
*Stand up for myself.
*Not always say “yes,” when I want to say “no.”
*Accept that I’m only human.
*Exercise my emotional muscles.
*Learn to accept I’m not perfect and am bound to make mistakes.
*Let the past go and begin again.
*Learn something new.
*Seek out more supportive friends.
*Face the fact that I’m not as brave as I let people think.
*Stop pretending I’m not sad.
*Reach out.
*Accept that it’s hard to be a parent.
*Realize I don’t know how.
*Create new possibilities.
*Never give up on myself.
*Try, try again.
*Be gentle with myself.
*Love myself more.
We turn to food for comfort because it’s quick and easy. But by doing so we postpone taking the actions that would propel our lives forward. What would you do if you weren’t using food to numb out. The same people that come into the program saying that they don’t know what they would do if they stopped overeating, often leave the program exclaiming how their lives opened up in the most unexpected and delightful ways. Start by doing a ten-minute writing exercise where you answer the question:
If I didn’t keep stuffing my feelings with food I would….
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:35:51 PM | 14 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, MAY 21, 2009
3 Essential Things to Remember If You’re Trying to Lose Weight
By now most of you know that our main belief system here at Shrink Yourself is that the majority of overeating is a result of emotional eating—using food to cope with feelings. Therefore, when you learn to address your feelings (as we teach you to do) your desire for food naturally diminishes. However, since the body is an integrated system in which your physical health can affect your emotional health, and your emotional health can affect your physical health, weight loss must be approached from many angles. If you really have worked on your emotional eating and you’re still not getting the results you want there might be something physiological going on. Consider the things below:
[more]
1. Food: What Kind of Food Are You Eating?
Hippocrates said, “Let your food be your medicine.” I often find it funny that most doctors will ask if you’re taking any medications on a regular basis but they won’t inquire into what you’re eating or drinking. Obviously, food affects your physical health but it also affects your emotional health. If you’re consuming a lot of caffeine, you might feel anxious or have trouble sleeping. If you’re consuming a lot of sugar or simple carbohydrates you could have a sudden surge of energy followed by a crash or bout of brain fog. Also, if you’re low in serotonin you may crave sugar and/or simple carbohydrates because of the quick jolt of serotonin they give you.
Food allergies or sensitivities can also make digestion difficult and that can have you hold on to extra weight. These days allergies to wheat, soy, dairy and corn are very common.
Don’t just pay attention to how much you’re eating but also remember to focus on the quality of your food and how particular foods affect your levels of exhaustion, your ability to fall asleep and stay asleep, your mood, and your focus. Sometimes eliminating certain foods as an experiment can be really illuminating.
2. Vitamins, Minerals & Hormones : Are you Deficient In Any of Them?
People who don’t get adequate vitamins and minerals can have a hard time losing weight.
This week one of our members reported that after discovering she was deficient in Vitamin D (55% of obese people are deficient in Vitamin D), her doctor prescribed the amount she needed and she immediately started to lose weight. Not only that but her depression lifted and she was finally able to get adequate rest.
Omega 3 & 6 fatty acids can help you lose weight, too. The addition of good fats (for instance a fish oil supplement – I recommend Nordic Naturals brand which doesn’t repeat at all) like salmon, avocado, flax meal, and olive oil can help you to metabolize fat more efficiently
Hormones affect your weight as well. If you’re eating well and exercising and you still haven’t lost weight you might want to consider having your hormone levels checked. Thyroid levels (always ask to have your thyroid antibodies checked in addition to T3, T4 and TSH levels) and cortisol levels should be monitored. If you have hypothyroidism and take thyroid supplements pay particular attention to your cortisol levels. Supplemental thyroid hormone is like the gas in your car and cortisol is like the gas pedal. If you’re taking thyroid supplement yet don’t have enough cortisol in your body, it’s like having enough gas in your tank but not having any way to get it into your engine.
3. Stress: Do you Know How to Relax, Restore and Rejuvenate Your Body?
Human beings are physiologically equipped with a complex system for dealing with stress. Our adrenal glands control our fight or flight instinct. Animals in the wild, when exposed to stress, know how to shake off their experiences and return to a neutral state. We don’t know how to do this nearly as well. Our bodies can’t really tell the difference between the stress of being chased by a lion in the jungle and being cut off by a fellow driver on the freeway.
In modern day society we’re faced with constant stressors and never given the chance to restore ourselves. Traffic. Sirens. Loud noises. Tragedy on the news. Deadlines. Multi-tasking. Sleep Deprivation. Screaming children.
Prolonged exposure to stress can affect many of your body’s systems and inhibit your ability to lose weight. Learn how to relax. Shut your body down. Get enough rest. Find some quiet. By learning how to relax, your body can restore itself and it will be better equipped to digest food and metabolize fat.
Remember, it’s essential to look at how you might be using food to cope with feelings. But some of the foods you’re eating can be creating bad feelings, too. Always approach health and wellness from both physical and emotional angles.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 6:25:06 PM | 12 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 2009
How Long Do I Have to Wait to See Change?
Diets that promise results in thirty days usually get a lot of attention. They appeal to the part of us that wants instant gratification. We want results and we want them now. The problem with change is that it doesn’t ever happen fast enough for our liking. And we get frustrated and defeated. Real change takes time and therefore a whole lot of patience.
If you’re doing everything you can to address your health; eating well, exercising regularly and dealing with your emotional well being how do you keep pressing on even when you’re not getting results as quickly as you’d like? Here are a few suggestions to help you keep on, keeping on.
[more]
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
We all change at different rates. And what it takes for each of us to change is unique. There is an expression that says, “compare and despair.” In other words, when you look at your life, body, or rate of change compared to someone else's you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s unavoidable to compare ourselves to other people but we can decide how much focus we want to put on those comparisons.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON YOUR SUCCESSES
You don’t only succeed when you reach your goal weight or have a certain amount of muscle tone. But we can fool ourselves into believing that arriving is the only mark of success. You actually succeed in little ways every day. And the more you see these little successes, the easier it is to stay on the right path. You succeed when you avoid a certain food or eat less than you normally would. You succeed when you walk for an extra five minutes. And when it comes to emotional eating, you succeed every time you face a feeling instead of numbing it with food.
ACCEPTANCE
Finally, acceptance is an important quality to cultivate in this whole process. If you can accept yourself where you’re at, for better or for worse, it’s easier to keep going. You are your own person, with your own path to success. The more you stay with yourself, in the exact place you are, the better it will be.
Even when you’re not seeing change as quickly as you might like, you’re still changing in little ways every day. And those tiny changes, if you stick with them, will create the results you’re looking for in the long run. It’s not about arriving any way, it’s about having each day be governed by awareness, powerful choices and bold actions. When you change what you do, over time who you are changes, too. If you watch the leaves in Spring on a continuous slow motion camera, you’ll see all the micro adjustments that have to happen for a bud to sprout, and then for that bud to turn into a blossom, and then for that blossom to turn into a leaf. Sometimes, you forget to notice and it seems as though the leaves have emerged overnight. The transformation you’re undergoing might happen in tiny steps too but the results will be equally beautiful.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 12:56:54 PM | 8 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, MAY 06, 2009
Overeating: How to Avoid Falling Off the Wagon
Overeating is as commonplace as drinking bottled water. Portions are bigger in restaurants. We eat out all the time. Fattening foods are synonymous with good times. And it’s acceptable to bring a snack almost anywhere you go. We could potentially be eating almost all of the time if we’re not careful. Cutting back can feel impossible in a world where food is so readily accessible. How do you reign yourself in when it can be so easy to spiral out?
[more]
First of all we need balance. Let’s think of a balance or scale. It’s never fixed and steady. A true balance (like one used to measure food or a doctor’s scale) is always tipping back and forth slightly. Our weight and how we manage food is the same. We always need to make tiny adjustments. The first way we can do this is with an actual scale.
The Scale (and how to use it)
Many of us come to fear the scale because we don’t like what it tells us or because it’s too easy to get obsessed with it. One member told me that she would jump on and off the scale, sometimes multiple times an hour. Obviously that’s just too much but the scale can actually be a useful tool.
Numbers don't have to be something to be afraid of. For example, when you drive the car it would be dangerous to look at the speedometer the whole time you're driving because you need your eyes on the road. But it's important to have it there because every once in awhile you need an accurate read on how fast you're really going. This can also apply to a food scale that lets you know how much of a portion you're actually eating since normal sized portions have started to look small to our eyes.
I can gain weight very quickly. I don't weigh myself often mostly because I don't have a scale but I’m starting to see that it’s a good idea for me to get on once a week or once every two weeks so that I don't have a surprise. A surprise can lead to defeat and a case of the “why bothers.” Don't fixate on the scale. Simply use it in moderation as a tool to know where you're at.
The ‘Why Bothers” (and what to do about them)
Once the number on the scale gets too intimidating you can get a case of the “why bothers.” The “why bothers” tell you things like “why bother restricting yourself you’re already fat,” or “why bother eating less when you’re only at this restaurant once in awhile,” or “you’re never going to lose the weight you want so why bother?” Be on guard for a case of the “why bothers.” They can fool you into overeating and sabotage your best intentions. When we get defeated it’s hard to make good choices we eat more and more. Get stronger than this voice by talking back to it. Remind yourself that you do in fact care. When you remember that it’s much easier to make the effort.
Don’t Wait Till Monday (why that’s way too long)
A common mistake that we make to justify overeating is the minute we make a mistake we throw the towel in and tell ourselves “screw it, I’ll start again next Monday.” It doesn’t matter if it’s only Tuesday at the time. We fool ourselves into thinking that we can only eat well if we start in the morning, or on Monday, or on the first of the month or New Year’s. This isn’t true. Think of that scale again and all the tiny adjustments it needs to stay in balance. You are no different. If you overeat at lunch, you can undereat at dinner. If you fall off the wagon on Monday night, you can get back on the wagon Tuesday morning. We learned to be overeaters one food choice at a time. And we’ll learn to eat in balance one food choice at a time, too. Your next meal can be your next opportunity to eat in moderation.
Changing a lifetime pattern isn’t easy but if you keep deeming yourself worthy of bothering, don’t fear using the scale as a helpful tool (or other measure like a certain pair of pants or a string around your waist) and get back on the wagon anytime you fall off, you’ll be well on your way to ending overeating.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:01:07 PM | 11 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2009
Food Addiction & 3 Ways to Recover Your Power
If you’re like me, for years, you might have beaten yourself up believing you didn’t have enough willpower to choose the right foods. However, The End of Overeating, a new book by the former head of the Food and Drug Administration, Dr. David Kessler, explains that certain foods may be choosing you. Anonymous food executives revealed that a particular combination of fat, sugar, and salt makes people crave foods in an uncontrollable way and quite simply you become addicted in much the same way that you can become addicted to nicotine, alcohol, or drugs. When a potato chip advertisement says, ‘no one can eat just one,’ they’re right because they were created with the very intention of you eating as many as possible. Pardon my sarcasm but eating one chip wouldn’t be very good for business, now would it?
[more]
The pleasure seeking parts of the brain get activated by these foods making the mere mention of them trigger an intense craving. Seeing the food on a billboard or commercial sparks those cravings, too. I can relate because years ago I once felt panicked when someone took a fat and sugar laden Krispy Kreme donut away from me (salt is in them too, I just checked the ingredients online). The anticipation of eating the donut already awakened certain neural pathways in my mind and having the fulfillment of the craving denied literally made me crash (and If I remember correctly, maybe even cry). I was physically addicted to the chemical components of the food and I was emotionally addicted to the comfort that the food provided.
Below I copied one question and answer from Dr. Kessler’s interview with The Wall Street Journal. I felt this information was very interesting to those of us who are trying to end our struggles with food addiction and the associated cravings that we face (sometimes over and over again throughout the day). It shows that despite how powerful these foods can be that we do indeed have choices.
WSJ: At times I couldn't decide whether you felt that the overweight were victims or undisciplined. Which is it?
Dr. Kessler: The answer is probably neither. Nobody has explained to people what is going on with them, or given them the tools to cool stimuli. Yes, you are bombarded throughout the day. You respond. And that creates torment for people. But just because we are activated and stimulated doesn't mean that that there aren't things we can do. Yes, their brains are being hijacked. But once we understand what is going on, we can change.
To read the whole interview: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124084009832659309.html
So, how do we change? Well, the change starts in our mind. To recover your power you need:
AWARENESS
Change always starts with awareness. Is the food you’re eating going to hook you? If it’s processed or has ingredients you don’t understand, chances are it could. Since, I know that many of you have children consider that a lot of the foods that are considered “kid friendly” could be making them into food addicts, too. Things like chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and chips.
TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS
Dr. Kessler, who was known for his campaign against the tobacco industry shares that the American people had to change how they viewed smoking before people would quit. Simply knowing that it isn’t healthy wasn’t enough. Smoking had to go from being hip and cool to being unattractive. The same thing needs to happen with food. We need to look at a plate of unhealthy, processed food as something that can hurt us. Then, we need to deem ourselves worthy of the best kind of food for our bodies and minds.
ANOTHER SOURCE OF PLEASURE
We look for comfort in food and then become addicted to that kind of comfort for a reason. The reason is that human beings are creatures that like to avoid pain and to feel good. There’s nothing wrong with this per se. However, we’ve become accustomed to wanting to feel good all the time which isn’t very realistic. We must strike a balance between finding real pleasure beyond just the readily accessible, edible kind and tolerating some degree of discomfort.
With the right information, we can all get unhooked from food. Having all the information helps. I'm looking forward to reading Dr. Kessler's book but I already know that food in its simplest form is the most delicious. You’d be surprised how amazing almost any vegetable, meat or fish can be with just good extra virgin olive oil, good sea salt (Maldon is my favorite) and fresh ground pepper.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 1:09:38 AM | 7 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2009
3 Ways to Cope with Job Insecurity (Or Any Other Kind of Insecurity)
Nation-wide layoffs are triggering anxiety in many people. The anxiety is understandable but what you do with it is something else. Sartre said, “Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” One option is to turn to food to deal with your anxiety and for many of us emotional eaters that’s what we’re tempted to do. But there are many other options, too. However, we can fail to see that when we’re in a panic. The key to overcoming emotional eating (whether it’s triggered by job insecurity or anything else for that matter) is to determine what other choices you have.
[more]
My grandmother used to say, “Hope for the best, but expect the worst.” If you haven’t been laid off but are worried you might be, take a few actions.
1. Think About Things Realistically
In the Shrink Yourself program we talk a lot about catastrophe predictions. Catastrophe predictions are the way your mind can take a normal feeling like fear or worry and inflate it. When this happens, normal everyday feelings become too terrible to tolerate and the overwhelming pain of the emotion makes you seek out the comfort of food. When it comes to something as important as your job and the financial security of you and your family, one can understand why you would be scared. But making the fear bigger than it needs to be won’t make it better. If you find yourself getting too anxious, think things through. Is there a realistic threat to your job? If not, then keep on doing a great job and if there is an actual threat, keep reading.
2. Make a Plan
If you answered, “Yes” to the question of whether your job is in jeopardy, then get out a pen and paper and make a plan. Sometimes facing your worst-case scenario is the best answer. If you have a plan in place for what you’ll do if the worst actually happens, then you don’t have to be nearly as afraid. This might include reviewing your financial portfolio, getting your resume re-written, meeting with a headhunter or just getting some much needed support. How can you personally plan ahead?
3. Let it Go
Sometimes the best thing you can do is surrender. You’ve done everything that you can possibly do to insure your job security. You’ve made preparations for what you’d do if you lost your job. And yet you’re still feeling anxious, then find a way to let it go. Look for ways to have fun. A little fun can go a long way. Look for ways to have faith and trust that you will find a way no matter what happens. How can you personally surrender?
In Shrink Yourself Dr. Gould says that the number one reason for emotional eating is a false sense of powerlessness. You might actually be powerless to do anything about your job security. You don’t have to be powerless with regard to how you handle it. You can recover your power, plan ahead, and feel prepared for whatever happens.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:18:45 PM | 4 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2009
3 Holes You Might Be Trying to Fill With Food
To fill up with food presupposes that there is an emptiness that longs to be filled. And for many of us there is. Our impulse to fill up with food is an attempt to fill a hole. April is National Emotional Overeating Month. To truly understand emotional overeating one must be willing to bravely look into the abysmal emptiness that so many of us are trying to fill with food, albeit futilely.
When we look at people that are overweight, particularly when that person is us, we can be filled with negative judgments. Amongst all the common stereotypes about overweight people we overlook that an overweight person is likely a person in pain. If we can remember that, we are more likely to approach the issue of weight, for ourselves and others, from a place of curiosity, care, and compassion.
[more]
So, What’s This Hole We’re Trying to Fill With Food?
Sure, we all have a literal hole in us. There is space in our stomachs that food can fill up. But the hole that many of us seek to fill with food can’t be filled no matter how much we stuff in. The hole that we try to fill with food can be:
A VOID
Does your life lack meaning? Do you wonder what your purpose is? Do you go about the tasks of your everyday life wondering what they’re for and what difference they’re actually going to make in the world at large? If so, your hole could be a void. You could be longing to imbue your life with more meaning and mindfulness. Food can’t fill this kind of void. What can fill this kind of void is finding a cause to help with, a craft to be passionate about, or a spiritual practice.
A LOSS
Have you experienced the loss of a loved one? A break-up? A divorce? Has someone in your life lost some part of their functioning to illness or injury? Have you been laid off from a job? If so, your hole could be a loss. You could be missing someone or something. Food can’t quell this longing. It can fill you up momentarily. It can numb you out. But food only delays the necessary work of grieving and getting back to living. Loss is undeniably painful but when you eat you actually prevent yourself from doing the things that would actually be healing. Taking actions like re-membering (putting yourself back together), reaching out for help, and surrendering to the process can all offer real soothing.
A LONELINESS
Do you feel lonely even when in the company of others? Do you long for a connection but aren’t quite sure how to bridge the gap? Do you spend way too much time alone, in hiding, or isolating? If so, your hole could be loneliness. I’m sure you guessed that food can’t help this kind of hole either, but here are some things that can: first, find ways to connect to yourself through prayer, art, spirituality, beauty or nature and then look for ways to fill your life with quality people that make you feel seen, known, loved, and understood.
Part of being alive is tolerating the discomfort of that gnawing, aching emptiness inside ourselves. But on our journey towards recovering from Emotional Overeating, we must always remember that no matter how satisfying it might seem to actually fill that hole inside with something, we deny ourselves of the feeling of real fullness by accepting the quick fix of food.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:46:18 PM | 17 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, APRIL 07, 2009
How the Recession Affects Overeating
We are currently experiencing the greatest recession in the past sixty years. There’s no doubt that it affects many aspects of our lives. But do you realize how it affects your overeating, binging, and emotional eating?
There are both positive and negative ways the recession might be affecting what you eat. Let’s take a look at all sides:
[more]
PEOPLE ARE EATING OUT LESS
This is one way that the recession could affect your eating in a positive way. Having less access to disposable income is contributing to people frequenting restaurants much less. When you eat out it’s difficult to know exactly how much fat, sodium, and sugar are in your meal. Portions tend to be larger than what you might eat at home. There is more alcohol, more bread, and more dessert consumed. By eating at home, not only will you save money but you can more closely monitor what you’re eating. One thing to be aware of is that when you’re in the red it can be very tempting to fill up on inexpensive fast food. McDonald’s is advertising their $3 meal deal. Now, more than ever, it’s important to fill your body with food that will be grounding and nutritive so that you can face these trying times with a clear mind.
PEOPLE ARE WORRIED
Emotional eaters are known for catastrophizing. What this means is that your mind has a tendency to imagine the worst case scenario. It means that everyday concerns become huge worries that keep you up at night. When fears become overly inflated it’s more likely that you’ll need to be soothed. And if food is the thing that calms you, your worries about money, job security, and retirement could make you crave food more and more. To combat this, write out a list of your fears. Then, give them a reality check asking yourself how likely it is that your fears will become reality. Finally, create a game plan for what you would do if those fears came true. Are there ways that you can plan ahead to protect yourself from the worst possible outcome?
PEOPLE ARE IN CRISIS
If you’ve been laid off, lost some of your investments or retirement money, or have a spouse who has experienced a cut in some way, you could currently be in a state of crisis. The stress you’re feeling is legitimate. It’s understandable that you would need an escape right now. But you’ll have to ask yourself if food is the best form of escape to reach for. How can you and your family experience escape that doesn’t make you feel bad? Find activities that are free: concerts, nature walks, DVDs from your local library.
A member wrote to us this week and said that she often chose the relief of food because it worked even if the positive effect was only for a few hours. However, she finally realized that feeling better by eating didn’t affect the problem at hand in a direct way. In fact, it just postponed getting on with the business of improving her circumstances. If the stress of these financial times is sending you in search of food, stop and think things through. How is eating ultimately going to help with what you’re handling? Remember that overeating is often a sign of powerlessness and defeat. When you think there’s no way that you can positively change your circumstances you might conclude, Why not at least give myself a few moments of pleasure by eating this treat? However, eating reinforces your belief that you’re powerless. It leaves you defenseless in these times when you need to be cultivating your sharpest mind, your most effective self, and your most creative thinking. Put the food down and play a game. Put the food down and think of a new way to generate income. Put the food down and plan ahead. We are all faced with more challenges than ever these days. But that also means we have the opportunity to rise to the challenges that face us.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 4:06:08 PM | 4 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2009
To Lose Weight You Need a Team: Who’s on Yours?
They say that cigarettes are a harder habit to kick than heroin or cocaine. Someone was quick to tell me that the only thing harder than any of those to quit is food. First of all quitting food entirely would result in sudden death (okay, not so sudden, but inevitable death). Besides that, food is everywhere. For many of us it’s our first addiction. From that first sip of sweet milk (or formula in my case) we get hooked. You can’t escape food and overindulging is so commonly accepted. An alcoholic can avoid bars and choose to have a dry household. A gambler can avoid Vegas. But everyone needs to eat at some point. If you are going to quit any substance, but especially food, there are a few things you need but one that is essential? Read more to find out what that critical component is.
[more]
Last week my friend Pat began to quit smoking. He did it cold turkey. No patch. No gum. No nicotine sucking candies. I can attest to the fact that it was not easy for him. He is humble enough to say that two weeks without a cigarette is not enough to be able to say he has quit. "I'm not out of the water yet." He said. But there were some things I observed that helped him get through the hard parts (and there have been many) and these same things can help you through your worst cravings for food.
1. READINESS – Pat thought carefully about when he should quit. He wasn’t going to do it right before the fantasy baseball draft, or when he had to watch a neighbor’s kid, or when he had any other potentially stressful occasion. He picked a time when he knew he would be ready. Readiness is often the biggest part of committing to stopping a behavior we don’t want to continue. One of the reasons that so many of us fail at anything from stopping an emotional eating pattern, to smoking, to leaving an unsatisfying relationship is because we’re not actually ready. If we’re not ready, it might be better to admit that to ourselves (and maybe even to others, too) and just wait.
2. EXERCISE - Pat quit smoking but started exercising. Don’t underestimate the benefit of getting a little extra oxygen in your body. It clears your mind. It helps you sleep better. And it lowers your stress level. This doesn’t have to be anything major—a simple walk after dinner or on your lunch hour can make a huge difference.
3. SUPPORT – This is the last and most critical component of stopping an unwanted behavior. Ask yourself who is on your team. Is there anyone in your life with whom you can honestly share your struggles with food? Not just the fact that you want to lose some weight and that it’s hard, but rather that you depend on food for comfort. When Pat had a craving, he paced, he groaned, and he wrung his hands. I stayed with him. It didn’t require any magic words but he said just having someone around reminding him how far he had already come, was so helpful. This made me think of times when I have worked as a doula (a labor coach for pregnant women). It wasn’t too different from being with Pat or any of the people that I have helped with emotional eating. Just staying with a woman through a contraction is enough to get her through. Who reminds you of how far you’ve come? Who is on your team?
Someone might quit something cold turkey. But no one who changes an addictive or compulsive behavior does it alone. Whether you choose to do it with a therapist, a program, a counselor, a friend or a higher power, you need help. We all do. I know that some of the people who succeed the most at our program use our message boards and forums where they can find like-minded people who will understand their struggles and readily offer support. I’ve been so inspired by the ways in which I have seen people support one another there. Who can you depend on? Who can you be honest with? Vulnerable with? And open with in the midst of your worst cravings? Asking for help can be humbling, but it is certainly a sign of strength.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:01:42 PM | 14 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2009
Become the Master of Your Emotions in Three Easy Steps
One of the reasons that feelings can be so uncomfortable is because you don’t know how long they’re going to last for. This element of the unknown can make them unbearable. But there are ways to become the master of your feelings rather than your feelings’ slave:
[more]
Feelings are temporary. Someone told me today that feelings have a very short shelf life. Yet we react to them as though the feeling is sticking around for good. We overeat or binge because we can’t possibly imagine that the discomfort that we’re feeling (whether it’s loneliness, anxiety, depression, or boredom) will go away any time soon. And eating is just one of the ways that we do this. We yell and rage as soon as we get angry. We buy something as soon as we see it in a store window. We cut off a friend or loved one because we don’t like something minor that they’ve done and can’t possibly imagine that the feeling will ever go away.
What would happen if we sat with feelings before reacting to them? How long do you think they would last? Do you really believe that they would last forever?
One goal in life (particularly in adulthood) is to master our emotions. Emotions are no different than weather. They storm through us, they warm us, and they shake the earth beneath us. In order to weather the storm of these emotions we need to get through them without acting rashly upon them. When you are faced with intense emotions what can you possibly do? Well, there are three choices:
1. WAIT
Sometimes it’s best to take some time without doing anything. This doesn’t mean you should stuff an emotion. It just means taking a little bit of time to fully understand what you’re feeling and why and what you might want to do with that feeling. You might discover that the intense emotion you are feeling actually has a short shelf life and when left alone it simply disappears.
2. OBSERVE
Of course, we can observe our own feelings. Watch them like clouds passing over the sky. But this tool can be very helpful in the face of other people’s feelings. The only thing as hard as weathering our own intense emotions is witnessing other people weathering theirs. The reality is that other people’s displays of feelings can be very frightening to us. It can conjure up the impotent feeling from childhood when perhaps our parents were full of rage or were stuck in a frozen depression. For many of us, our tendency is to defend ourselves, retreat, or try to fix it. What if we didn’t do any of that? What if we simply stayed present and observed what the other person was experiencing? What if we didn’t take it personally? Then, perhaps, we could see through the way someone is saying something and potentially really hear what they are actually saying.
3. COMMUNICATE
If you’ve waited to see what happens to your emotion and the particular feeling you’re having has a longer shelf life than a can of spam, then perhaps it’s time to communicate your feelings to another person; a friend that will hear you out, the person that is affecting you, or a therapist that will guide you toward determining what actions to take.
Many feelings have to be fed to perpetuate themselves. Feelings like resentment, jealousy, and self-pity. Ironically, it’s these feelings that we end up feeding with food. By using this three-step process of wait, observe, and communicate we can use our feelings to help us navigate through life and life’s decisions. If we mute their intensity by eating we miss out on important messages that can positively alter our future in so many ways.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:46:26 PM | 23 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, MARCH 17, 2009
Never Diet Again
What would life look like if you never dieted again? Again and again it seems that all signs point to the fact that diets do more harm than good. If you’ve been on countless diets in the past, don’t fret over lost time, just consider a new way for tomorrow. Susie Orbach, writer and psychotherapist on women's psychology from England, talks a lot about the futility of dieting. Orbach’s books include Fat is a Feminist Issue, On Eating and most recently Bodies. Bodies discusses the fact that we tend to link so much of our happiness on the state of physical forms. As if a change in our corporeal state, whether through weight loss or plastic surgery, would alter our outlook and ultimate happiness. Sure, who doesn’t like to look good? But what happens when looking good consumes all of your thinking? How is there time for anything else?
[more]
I never thought about my weight or body much until I was nine and attempted to fulfill my childhood dream of acting. An agent wanted to sign me and he mentioned that I would have to lose ten pounds. I wasn’t that skinny square-hipped kind of little girl but I wasn't fat either. I was more akin to the awkward barrel-bodied Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine. The next day I starved myself, refusing all food until four o’clock when I couldn’t resist two Oreos. I can remember all of the details vividly even though that day was almost thirty years ago. The look on the agent’s face, the fluorescent lighting in the room and sitting in the afternoon sun the next day with my cookies. Before that day, I had never thought too much about my body. Most of my time and thoughts went to reading and thinking and dreaming and school. If we weren’t so worried about our weight and what we’re going to eat, what might we have time for? I might have practiced monologues and developed my acting more. How about you? Would you have time to paint? To read? To laugh with your kids or spouse? To write? To dance? To garden? To play sports?
In the New York Times Magazine printed on March 8, 2009 Deborah Solomon interviewed Ms. Orbach who said, “Fat Is a Feminist Issue (her first book), was in part a plea to give up dieting and learn to recognize hunger and appetite and respond to them. Dieting, I argued, caused compulsive eating and destabilizes our relationship to food.
If you continually diet, you are putting your body in a quasi-famine situation. It slows your metabolism down and breaks the thermostat. Diets don’t work. They don’t help you understand why you’re eating more than your body wanted in the first place.”
This last part is the part that is the most interesting to emotional eaters and is at the core of Dr. Gould’s teachings which is that the focus must always be, not on what you eat, but rather on why you’re eating more than your body needs. The answer to this question isn’t always easy to figure out. Why do we eat more than we need? Well, we eat more than we need because we’re lonely. Tired. Angry. Upset. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Annoyed. Need an escape. Want to numb out. Don’t want to be told what to do. The reasons are as varied and unique as all of us are. If not dieting, then what? There is an answer. It’s to boldly ask yourself how do I want to spend my time? How do I stop channeling my energy into obsessive thoughts about food and think about something else? Why do I eat more than what I need and how can I love myself enough to stop?
These are not easy questions to ask. But with help and support you can answer these questions. Another interesting fact about Susie Orbach is that she was the co-originator of the Dove Real Beauty campaign. I was so excited the first time I saw those ads. Beautiful women with real bodies on the glossy pages of a magazine. You see, you are already beautiful no matter what your body looks like. When you bring the focus back to your passions, your dreams, your goals, your interests and your talents you have so much less time to think about food. Your life gets richer and more satisfying and weight loss (without dieting) is just an added bonus because you're no longer eating more than you need.
Use the comments below to share what your life would be like if you never dieted again? If you didn't spend so much time thinking about food, what might you think about?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:51:13 PM | 18 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2009
The Pause Before the Purchase
In a recent interview that Dr. Gould had with a British magazine reporter she had an “a-ha-moment.” She realized a fundamental difference between the ways in which people have always tried to lose weight and The Shrink Yourself Method. She said, “We have been taught to divert our attention when we are hungry as the way to control through will power but you are saying instead to divert for a little while in order to create a pause, an interruption, time to think about why I am hungry. That is a big difference.” This Powerful Pause is your essential tool to avoid mindless eating and be the one in charge of the food choices you make. But there is a place where you need this pause even more than when you’re about to put the wrong foods in your mouth. You need this pause at the grocery store or any place you buy your food. If you’re the type of person who buys tempting foods hoping you’ll have the willpower to avoid eating them keep reading.
[more]
Another aspect of The Powerful Pause is THE PAUSE BEFORE THE PURCHASE. Many of us make excuses for why we buy unhealthy things. Excuses like:
• I need to have sweets in the house for the children or grandchildren.
• My husband wants those foods around.
• I’ll eat them in moderation.
• I need them for guests.
• It was on sale.
Sometimes, the best solution to avoiding binges and overeating is to simply avoid keeping certain foods in the house. It’s just too tempting. When you’re in the store, pause and have a conversation with yourself. If you know it’s going to be too hard to avoid the temptation don’t buy it. It just sets you up for stress and failure. All of the excuses given above aren’t worth it. Children and grandchildren are probably better off without the treats too (not to mention husbands). You can ask guests to bring dessert or make something low calorie and healthy (like baked apples with low-fat frozen yogurt). There are always creative solutions. If your success is your priority then pause before you make a purchase and set yourself up to win.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 6:51:41 PM | 15 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 04, 2009
New Study Says “Weight Loss Boils Down to Calories” (Don’t Be So Sure That's All You Need)
Are you puzzled by all the diet options that are out there? Is there any right one? Any magic answer? Is low-carb or high-protein or low-fat the way to go? A New England Journal of Medicine study finally answers these questions.
[more]
In The Los Angeles Times (February 26, 2009) there was an article reporting on the results of a New England Journal of Medicine study. It revealed that two decades after the debate began about which diet is most effective, the only thing that really matters is the amount of calories you eat. “and the winner is…not low-carb, not, low-fat, not high protein but…any diet. That is, any diet that is low in calories and saturated fats and high in whole grains, fruits and vegetables—and that an individual can stick with for a lifetime—is a reasonable choice for people who need to lose weight.”
In essence the character who runs a weight-loss class on Little Britain, the acclaimed BBC Comedy Show, had it right when she suggests that you should just eat all the same foods you eat now but just cut them in half which would ostensibly reduce your current caloric intake by fifty-percent.
From this study there are a few important things to note:
1. EAT A DIET LOW IN CALORIES & SATURATED FAT
Most people know this. The best diet to eat is one that’s low in calories and saturated fat (cheese, meat, processed and fast food) and high in whole grains (brown rice, quinoa, buckwheat, amaranth), fruits and vegetables. This isn’t new information.
2. [A Diet] AN INDIVIDUAL CAN STICK WITH FOR A LIFETIME
Less people know this information. Unfortunately, many of us have the incorrect (but very common) mind set that we can stick to a sensible eating plan until we lose the weight and then we can go right back to eating whatever we want. It doesn’t work this way. I can’t tell you how many people (including myself) reward weight loss with food. I hear things like this all the time. “I just weighed in today and lost two pounds so I’m going out for a sundae.” If you work hard and lose weight you deserve a reward, just don’t let it be food. Whatever low-calorie eating plan you choose must be one you are willing to stick to for life. A diet may take weight off but a change in lifestyle can keep it off for good.
3. MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
On the second page of the article was the part that I found the most interesting. In a two-line paragraph was the following information: “There may be a strong behavioral effect is the success of a diet, however. The people who attended two-thirds or more of the counseling sessions over the two years (of the study) lost an average of 22 pounds compared with the average loss of 9 pounds.” That means that the people that were dealing with their emotions lost two and a half times more weight than those that were simply following a diet. This information was minimized and made simple to overlook in the article but is really the most important part. When you face your feelings and develop awareness you can lose more weight and keep it off longer. This is why the Shrink Yourself program is the missing component to any diet you’re trying. It gives you the benefits of counseling for a fraction of the cost.
Don’t worry so much about finding the perfect foods to eat (or course, certain foods are better for your health than others) but rather cut down the quantity of the foods you already love. More importantly, however, keep asking questions. Keep facing yourself. And keep cultivating an awareness that you are more powerful than your cravings. That you can effect positive change in your weight and your life. And that do have other options besides eating.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 4:13:41 PM | 16 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2009
Come Clean From Sugar Addiction
Last year I mentioned a study that said sugar was more addictive than cocaine to rats. Judging from humans, we’re not too different. I would bet there are plenty more of us that are addicted to sugar than to cocaine. If sugar is the thing that calls to you in the night, disrupts your good intentions and makes you feel powerless keep reading.
[more]
Many of you have been writing in that sugar is the hardest thing you struggle with. I thought that warranted writing a blog about it. It’s no wonder that sugar is such a struggle because it is highly addictive. The more you eat, the more you want. And the fact is that we eat more of it than ever. It’s in everything (meat marinades, French Fries, crackers, bread, peanut butter). The average American eats 156 pounds of sugar a year. That’s almost half a pound a day. Measure out a half a pound of sugar and look at it. It’s a lot. And if you’re not cooking your food, you can never be sure how much sugar you’re really getting. The reason sugar is a habit so hard to kick is because there’s a physical and an emotional component.
The physical lure is that it gives you a sudden surge of energy. A jolt that your mind quickly associates with feeling good but your mind forgets that it also comes with a crash (not to mention added pounds and a whole host of other health problems). Your body can become like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors violently demanding that you feed it sugar the way Audrey 2 demanded blood.
The emotional lure is that sugar conjures up feelings of celebration, sweetness and reward. And depriving ourselves of it seems to make us feel like we’re being harshly deprived. A kind of deprivation that almost forces us to rebel and eat it anyway.
The powerful combination of physical and emotional enticement make sugar the hardest food to let go of. If you’ve ever been hooked on sugar I’m sure you’ll agree. However, when you give up sugar (after a couple of difficult weeks) you’ll find that the cravings go away. And this can be so liberating. I sometimes recommend that people give this a try. Giving up sugar gives you the opportunity to remove the physical addiction so you can just focus on the emotional one. I’m not suggesting that you never have sugar again. People should eat a piece of birthday cake but you’re bound to feel more in control if you’re the one who is choosing when and how much sweets to eat as opposed to being a slave to a body that’s addicted to sugar.
One thing to keep in mind is that you can’t just quit. Here are some things that I’ve found have made it easy in the past.
• Eat enough quality protein (fish, tofu, plain yogurt, lean meats)
• Incorporate a green powder into your diet (spirulina, pure synergy http://www.evolutionhealth.com/pure-synergy/puresynergy-ingredients.html or pro-greens)
• Eat good quality fats (olive oil, flax meal, cod liver oil, avocado, raw almonds)
• Satisfy the craving for sweet creatively (a cup of licorice tea or hot almond milk)
• Don’t use sugar substitutes (they keep you craving the flavor of sweetness)
• Savor natural sweetness (a roasted sweet potato, a perfectly ripe apple, a dried fig)
• Eat burdock (burdock naturally balances your glycemic levels)
• Eat quinoa once a day (it’s a gluten free high protein whole grain)
• Incorporate more non-food sweetness in your life (affection, play, laughter, charity)
I would never ask you to do anything that I wouldn’t do myself. So, to be in solidarity with all of you I’m going to give up sugar for the next forty days. One of our members says that when she looks at a dessert table these days she says to herself, “I am not a woman who eats brownies. I will not betray myself with this kind of food.” Come back here to talk about the panic that just the idea of giving up sugar can ignite (I’ve already started to think about any potential upcoming events where I’ll want to eat sugar) and how we feel along the way. If you choose to join in, don’t be a perfectionist about it. If you fall off the wagon, just come back here, write a comment and recommit. Once you go through a period like this it will be far easier to eat sweets once or twice a week in moderation. A different kind of sweetness awaits you. I can’t wait to hear what it is.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:11:31 PM | 61 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2009
Overcoming Emotional Eating: A Success Story
Overcoming emotional eating has a different looking success story than dieting. Sure, weight loss happens in both. But in dieting, weight loss is often the goal, the brass ring, the final destination. When you overcome emotional eating, a better life is the goal—a life where food is not an obsession, where you are the one in control, and where you know what your needs are and how to get them met. Weight loss is just a great side effect. To illustrate this point, I’d like to share a success story of one of our members.
[more]
A member named Louise reported that she found herself eating uncontrollably almost every afternoon. This had been going on for four years. She just couldn’t stop. After inquiring into what might be going on for her she began to put the pieces together. Two years ago her husband died and he was sick for two years before that. The afternoon had been the time of day when he used to come home from work and they would share the details of their day during a walk. When he got sick, this walk stopped happening and the afternoon was now the time of day when Louise would leave the hospital to go home and take care of dinner for the children. What Louise realized is that she was eating to stave off her feelings of grief. She didn’t want to feel anything so she ate to fill the emptiness of losing her husband. Finally, she resolved to stop running away from the grief and to face it instead.
When the next afternoon arrived along with the usual cravings for food, she felt the sadness well up inside her. Instead of pushing it away, she said to herself in a loving voice, “Yes, honey. Of course, you’re sad.” As she gave herself permission to feel something interesting happened—the craving lessened. The next day she did the same thing. The third day she left the house in the afternoon for a walk and allowed herself to feel the sadness with each step she took. After a couple of weeks her afternoon binges had stopped and she was back to walking every day. She wasn’t elated, she was appropriately grieving but she wasn’t overeating on top of it all. You see, food never makes anything better. It just gives us guilt and extra weight on top of our existing problems. When we allow ourselves to believe that food is our only option, then each bite we take confirms our feelings of defeat and powerlessness. While each time we face a feeling we get stronger.
When you find yourself eating during stressful or painful times try one of the following options:
• Practice talking to yourself in a loving voice.
• Surrender to the feeling.
• Be proactive and take an action.
In the words of playwright August Wilson, “As my spirit got bigger, my demons got smaller.” Look for ways to improve your life, face your feelings and be kinder to yourself and weight loss will just be a side effect.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:13:13 AM | 15 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2009
Be the Master of Your Emotions & Eat Less
Beyond “stop crying” and “calm down” many of us don’t really get much direction in life for how to handle our emotions. It’s no wonder then that when storms of feelings that we don’t like or understand blow through our bodies, we get scared and want to escape (into food or something else). If we can barely deal with the simple primary color feelings like happy, sad and angry then how can we expect to cope with so many of these more nuanced and complex emotions? Feelings like rage or shame or resentment or jealousy or loneliness or abandonment can be terrifying.
Here are a few suggestions for becoming the master of your emotions:
[more]
• THINK OF FEELINGS LIKE YOU THINK OF WEATHER
When I was a kid there was a book I loved called Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. It was about a city where all of the food came from the sky. It didn’t rain, rain or snow, snow. It rained things like soup and snowed mashed potatoes. The residents of Chew And Swallow as the town was called didn’t necessarily like the weather but they learned to deal with it. And people that live with extreme weather conditions figure out the right things they need to wear to stay warm or cool. Same thing with feelings. What do you need when a storm of sadness is passing through? What do you need to really savor the warmth of a day of celebration? What do you need to stay grounded when the winds of confusion or frustration are blowing you off your center?
• HAVE A FEELINGS BOX
Keep a Ziploc bag or a pretty pouch for each of your troublesome feelings. What if you had a bag for ANXIETY. In the bag you could keep little pieces of paper with numbers of friends who make you feel better, poems that soothe you, pictures of places that evoke a memory of calm, suggestions of things to do. Whenever you felt anxious you might close your eyes and pull something from your bag and just do what it says. You could fill this bag with things that worked to comfort you in the past or things you’d like to try in the future.
• FEELINGS DO PASS
Again, like weather, feelings pass. If we can remember that then we don’t always need an escape because the escape will come with time. Then, the question becomes how can we get through the uncomfortable feeling? How can we survive, endure, learn something until it passes? Will prayer or meditation help? Will laughing with friends help? Will solitude help?
In some ways we are all machines, like computers or cars. When we understand what makes each of us tick AND malfunction then we have a better chance of our machine running efficiently. That doesn’t mean that we will never be blindsided by an unbearable disappointment or loss. It doesn’t mean we will always get it right. But when we understand our feelings and what we need to get through them, then we don’t have to fear them nearly as much. We can face them head on. We can use them to guide us to our next right step. And we can avoid food by being willing to feel life fully.
What do you need to face the feelings that scare you the most?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:23:28 PM | 19 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 04, 2009
Human Relationships Make Us Eat (But They Don't Have To)
This weekend is Valentine’s Day and for as much as all of us associate it with romance, it’s really a day about love, longing and human relationship. And for many of us emotional eaters, nothing makes us overeat or binge more than stress in our relationships. How can we handle the people in our lives in a more empowered way so that we turn to food a lot less?
[more]
In a lecture with writer and Buddhist Lindsay Crouse, she asked the question, “What if everyone around you was enlightened and was there to teach you something?” Even if these lessons came with feelings of frustration, disappointment and resentment, there could still be something to be learned from almost anyone in our life. I tried to personally think about this question this past week. My son who takes two hours to do ten minutes of homework is teaching me to be more patient. My father who asked to come and stay with me from out of town for two weeks is teaching me to know my own limits and boundaries and have the courage to express them. A friend who has been generous with me is teaching me how to receive from others. What can you learn from the people around you? How can the lessons that they teach you every day make you stronger, or more compassionate, or more honest?
Similar to the ways that the people around us can hold the keys to our own growth and self-knowledge, our cravings for food each contain hidden secrets. We can actually come to view our cravings as red flags from our hearts and minds that clue us into the fact that there is something emotional going on for us; an unmet need, a wound, a place that longs to be seen or understood. When you simply feed the craving with food, you never wait long enough to hear the secret. What can you learn from your cravings? How can the lessons that they teach you make you stronger, more compassionate or more honest?
Holidays often lead to overeating and Valentine’s Day is no different. It’s a double whammy. A day of human relationships, longings and cravings of all kinds. If you asked someone what’s the first thing they think about when they think about February 14th, it might be cupid, or the color red, or chocolate, but I bet hands down for most people they’d picture a heart. A heart is the emblem of human emotion and Valentine’s Day brings up a whole range of feelings. Feelings like love, loneliness, longing, loss. For emotional eaters, these feeling get transformed into hunger and we find ourselves using food for comfort. If you are tempted to overeat or binge on Valentine’s day whether as an escape to get through the day or as a consolation prize for not having the love you want or even to celebrate the love you have then stop and ask yourself a couple of questions. What can I learn from my relationships and my cravings? How can the lessons that they teach me make me stronger, more compassionate or more honest?
Valentine’s Day is a day about love, not food, not sweets. Continuing with our theme this year of self-love as the cure for emotional eating, let it at least be in part, a day when you are kind to yourself, a day when you learn something about yourself that makes your life a little richer, a day when your real cravings get fulfilled instead of simply fed with a Whitman’s Sampler.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:55:42 AM | 16 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2009
Why Confusion Makes You Eat More Than Many Other Emotions
Most will agree that stress makes people eat. Or grief. Or celebration. Those emotions are easy to identify and associate with overeating. But what about when you've got a big tangled mess of emotions and you suddenly feel crazy and you don't know what you're feeling at all. The market crashed. Your spouse is giving you the cold shoulder. You got into a fight with a co-worker. Your kids are being sassy and unappreciative. The roof leaked rusty water all over your new white couch. The laundry isn't done. And you just want to escape. Gone are the days where you could scream, "Calgon, take me away." Gosh I'm dating myself but I'm sure some of you will remember the bubble bath commercial where the woman is overwhelmed and frustrated and screams that statement only to find herself in a soothing bubble bath. For most of us that kind of magical escape just doesn't happen so when we’re faced with emotions that we don't even understand ourselves, food can seem like and easy way out.
[more]
While food will provide an escape, sitting with the knotted mess of feelings (while uncomfortable) can help you sort things through so you can really see what you're faced with. The market crashing can get thought through to a feeling, perhaps, I'm scared. Or I don't know what I'll do if I don't have enough money. That might be terrifying but it can also give you the chance to make a plan that creates a bit more safety. Your spouse giving you the cold shoulder might make you feel abandoned, lonely and sad. Think it through and you can say, I miss you or hold me or reassure me. When you think things through you might realize that you need some time off from your kids or help with the laundry. The key is that when there's a lot going on it can create so much buzzing in your body that anyone would want the relief of a food coma. That's why it's important to slow down and look, listen and feel.
When you're tempted to overeat because you're overwhelmed and confused here are some suggestions:
*Slow down
*Think things through
*Take each stressful situation and give it a feeling. Then, think of three things you could do to help this situation.
*Wait before acting
*Talk to a friend
*Write it out to get clarity
*Meditate or pray
There is always insight and possibility when you can understand what you're really feeling. Food gives you a momentary escape from the madness but cheats you out of a long-term solution.
If you're like me, you might not always know what you're feeling. The Shrink Yourself program helps you sort things through so you understand yourself and what you really need to feel better. There is so much more at stake than the number on the scale. Understanding how you seek relief from food will help you stop getting full and start getting fulfilled.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:42:27 PM | 11 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2009
Caretaking and Overeating
One of the most common threads I see amongst overeaters, binge eaters and emotional eaters is that they often exhibit people-pleasing or co-dependent behavior. While there are many varied definitions for these two words the fact is that they are loaded with negative connotations. But the thing that is true about them is that they indicate a tendency to do for others at the cost of one’s self. If you’re a mother, you might be saying, wait isn’t that the definition of a mother, or even a spouse, an employee, a child of elderly or sick parents. Well, sometimes it is. I do things for my son when I would rather be reading a book or watching a movie. We all do. Love does involve sacrifice. However, there is fine line between being a giving person and being taken advantage of or quite simply giving too much.
How can you tell the difference and what does this have to do with overeating?
[more]
Here are some questions to ask yourself.:
• Does your giving leave you feeling empty?
• Do you feel resentful?
• Do you wish that someone would do for you what you do for people?
• Do you feel unappreciated or sucked dry?
• Do you have little time for joy, play or laughter?
If you found yourself saying “yes” to many of those questions, you might not have the skills to take good care of yourself or to make yourself a priority. You might be surrounded by people that take too much. Or you might not know how to set boundaries. Look, as a single mother, I know this can be hard. I listen to hundreds of your stories everyday and I know that you are taking care of parents with dementia, you are doing your best to help children with disabilities and autism and Down’s syndrome, you have spouses that are depressed or selfish, you have children who are alcoholics or drug addicts, you are struggling financially, you are out of work, you are lonely, you are abused, your are in chronic physical pain, and the list goes on. There are so many things that have to get taken care of that it can feel overwhelming to even begin to understand what taking care of ourselves would look like. I will tell you a few ways that you can start to do this. But first I want you to understand how deeply linked caretaking is to overeating.
Here are a few critical things to consider:
• When your life is devoid of joy overeating can feel like the only reward you get for putting up with so much pain and disappointment.
• When you don’t get enough time to yourself, a late night binge can feel like a decadent time where you are only focused on pleasing yourself.
• When you give so much that it leaves you empty, food can feel like it fills you up.
• When your needs aren’t met, food can be one obvious need that you know how to give yourself.
• When you don’t know how to consistently make your health and well-being a priority, you might stick to a sensible eating plan or exercise regime for a little while but will abandon it when someone seems to need something or has a crisis.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you found yourself nodding to many of the things you’re reading. I sometimes get saddened by how much time has passed in my life, my relationships that have suffered and the ways in which I put my own health in jeopardy by “caring” for others. I try my best to forgive myself and accept that I did the best that I could with the information I had at the time. But now, I’m learning new skills. Just like all of you are. My New Year’s blog was about how self-love is the way to losing weight. Today someone sent me a quote from Jenny Craig. It said, “Self-love is the only weight loss aid that works in the long run.” Gosh, you mean she could’ve saved us tons of money on pre-packaged food by just telling us that up front. I say that with both sarcasm and love because it seems so obvious and yet it’s so hard. So, where do we begin?
Here are some small places to start:
• Find some small act that you can do everyday to take care of yourself (one woman told me that she was going to take three really deep breaths whenever she went to the toilet – Yes, it can be as small as that)
• Ask for what you need in a direct way.
• Practice saying “no.” (If this is too hard just practice saying something that buys you a little time to think about it for example, I need to check my calendar or I need to get back to you, etc.)
• Adopt a spiritual practice (meditation, yoga, journaling, gratitude or just being sure to look at the sunset or stars each night).
• Find real sources of love, reward, relaxation and peace that don’t have the added backlash that overeating does.
You are worth all of the care, time and attention that you give others. Overeating is not the way that you please yourself, eating well is the way that you love yourself and make your needs a priority.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 12:28:05 AM | 20 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 07, 2009
3 Steps to Certain Weight Loss
Everyone knows that there are two essential ingredients that you need to lose weight.
Even kids know them. They are:
1. A Sensible Eating Plan and
2. A Regular Exercise Routine
Simple. Right? Wrong. If it were that simple everyone would be the weight that they want to be. If you haven’t succeeded at losing the weight you want yet, it’s not your fault. You haven’t had all the necessary information to succeed. There is a missing step that most people don’t know. The third step to certain weight loss is:
[more]
3. UNDERSTAND EMOTIONAL EATING
As we struggle to overcome obesity, the nation is finally catching on to how important this third step is. Oprah is talking about stress and eating. Dr. Gould was asked to contribute to People magazine where their focus in this year’s Weight Loss Issue was the emotional and psychological hurdles people have had to overcome to finally lose the weight they wanted to lose. It’s time for us to come out of hiding and admit that this is hard to do. It’s time to support one another.
When you understand and can control emotional eating you can succeed at any eating plan and exercise regime you choose. You suddenly have the power to succeed. How do you know if this third step is the thing that has stopped your success? See if you ever hear any of the following statements in your head:
• No one is going to tell me what to eat.
• I deserve this piece of cake, candy, chocolate, whatever.
• I ate so well, I can afford to eat what I want now.
• Food will calm me down.
• I’m so bored that all I can think about is food.
• I want it and I don’t care if I shouldn’t have it.
• I’ve failed so many times, I just don’t believe I will ever lose the weight.
• I know what I should eat but I just can’t do it.
• I can’t stick to an exercise regime.
• I don’t follow through on things.
• I give to everyone, when will someone ever give to me.
• I’m messy or disorganized.
• I feel empty inside.
• I’m constantly filled with fear and worry.
• I’m frustrated.
• I’ll start tomorrow.
• I can’t stand the idea of failing one more time.
If any of these statements resonated with you, getting help with emotional eating will help you finally break the pattern. Don't blame yourself or shame yourself. It’s hard to overcome emotional and psychological hurdles to weight loss alone,especially when you didn't have all the information. So be sure to learn everything you need to know. You can join a support group, enlist the help of your loved ones, read the Shrink Yourself Book or join the Shrink Yourself program.
You deserve to have the success you’ve been craving. You just need to be sure that you have all the necessary ingredients to succeed. The good news is that the awareness that it takes to overcome emotional eating will positively affect your whole life. The added benefit will be weight loss.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 12:37:49 AM | 27 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2008
How to Finally Lose Weight in the New Year
It seems the whole world is finally getting hip to the fact that the missing link to successful weight loss is psychological. It’s not about the right diet, pill, program or surgery. It’s not about willpower. It’s simply about understanding why you eat and what you’re really hungry for. The New Year’s issue of People magazine this year focuses on the emotional and psychological hurdles that people had to overcome to lose half their overall weight. In fact, as the foremost authority on Emotional Eating Dr. Gould contributed tips to this issue. And Oprah in the January issue of O magazine said, “What I’ve learned this year is that my weight issue isn’t about eating less or working out harder, or even about a malfunctioning thyroid. It’s about my life being out of balance, with too much work and not enough play, not enough time to calm down.”
Therefore if one of your New Year’s Resolutions is to have this be the year that you actually lose the weight you want, commit to understanding yourself better and being kinder to yourself. Losing weight starts with loving yourself. The following list doesn’t cost you anything and the benefits are priceless.
[more]
• Start a meditation practice
• Speak kindly to yourself
• Watch less TV
• Make love more
• Play with your kids
• Let things go
• Stop complaining
• Start a gratitude practice (write down three things you’re grateful for each night)
• Take a walk with your family after dinner
• Forgive yourself when you fail
• Turn off your cell phone
• Look for opportunities to be of service to others
• Read a great book
• Take baths before bed
• Don’t gossip
Simple things like these make you the master of your own mind. They decrease anxiety by keeping you firmly planted in the present moment. From this place, it’s much easier to engage is self-loving acts like eating well and exercising. Marianne Williamson, author of Return to Love, advised Oprah, “Your overweight self doesn’t stand before you craving food. She’s craving love.” The article continued on to say, “ Falling off the wagon isn’t a weight issue; it’s a love issue.”
In the New Year, instead of setting a resolution to lose weight, why not resolve to explore ways to love yourself better?
Please use the comments below to share ways that you could be more loving to yourself.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 12:03:58 PM | 19 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2008
Does TV Make You Overeat?
Researchers at the University of Maryland found the one activity unhappy people do more than happy people is watch TV. And if you’re unhappy, not only are you watching more TV, but you might also be emotionally eating to deal with your unhappiness. It’s no wonder that so many people report that overeating and TV watching go hand-in-hand.
[more]
"We looked at 8 to 10 activities that happy people engage in, and for each one, the people who did the activities more — visiting others, going to church, all those things — were more happy,” Dr. [John] Robinson said. “TV was the one activity that showed a negative relationship. Unhappy people did it more, and happy people did it less.”
New York Times
Even thought the results of this study were taken over a 30-year period there is a bit of a chicken or an egg with this study. Does watching TV make you more unhappy? Or do you watch more TV when you’re unhappy. Either one or both might be true. There is no way to know for sure. But now that the holiday specials are over, just as an experiment, I’d like to challenge you to turn off your TV for a week and try a few other things instead. You see, TV passes the time but it often doesn’t enrich you in any lasting way. And usually you’ve put off something by watching TV. Same thing with emotional eating. The things that I’d like you to try might just affect your happiness and lead you to turn to food a lot less.
The things that the study said that happy people do more of are:
Visiting Others, in other words, SOCIAL CONTACT – Television can never make up for the enjoyment of connecting and communicating with another person. If the set is off you might find yourself making more plans and having more conversations.
Going to Church, in other words, A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE – If the boob tube is off, you might have time to do something that nurtures your soul. This could be anything from praying and meditating to taking a walk in nature or seeing an art exhibit.
Having Sex, in other words, AFFECTION and INTIMACY – If you have a partner, you might find that without television there is more time for touch. If you don’t have a partner, you might find ways to indulge yourself. There might be time for baths, crafts and intimate experiences with friends and family.
More importantly when the TV is off there is more time to get things accomplished and when you don’t put off things, you feel more competent and confident. Getting overwhelmed is one of the main things that make people overeat and binge.
Most of you know that I don’t have a TV and haven’t had one for years. So, for me, the idea of a week without watching is not too difficult. But I’d like to encourage you to give it a try. Turn off the television and see what happens to your happiness. Don’t forget, you can’t just turn it off, you have to replace the time you normally spend watching with meaningful experiences. A more fulfilled life decreases your need to fill up on food. Give it a shot and let us know what you experienced in the comments section below. And if you’re looking for things to do, click here to try a free session.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 7:39:12 AM | 8 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2008
Don’t Fall Into Old Familiar Patterns During the Holiday Season
The Holidays are a time of ritual and tradition. We sing the same songs. Put out the same menorah or hang the same ornaments on the tree. And eat the same foods. So much of the beauty is the familiarity and the routine. However, some of these cyclical things that happen every year might not be things you look forward to. You could experience the same binges, the same overeating, the same fights, the same struggles in your family dynamic and the same expectation and disappointment.
How can you start to change the negative patterns while holding on to the rituals that you love so much?
[more]
1. Carve a New Pathway
If you are new to learning how to deal with ending a pattern of emotional eating, the holidays can be a challenge. The combination of heightened stress and access to infinite amounts of decadent food is not a great combination. I heard a lecture the other day about the human brain. There are neural pathways in the mind and we have to keep them open or they stop working. Sometimes we have to create new ones where there aren’t any. For example, there is a pathway created when you memorize a phone number and the more things you commit to memory the more your memory works. Almost like driving after a snowstorm. The first car might have a hard time carving out a path to drive on. But the next car has an easier time because there are now indentations in the snow. And the next one an even easier time. How does this tie into emotional eating? Well, I’ll tell you. This year it might take a lot of awareness and work to resist turning to food in the same ‘ole ways you usually do at festivities. Your mind (and belly) are expecting the same eating patterns that you’ve always had during the holiday season. But perhaps you can view it like the car in the snow. This year, you could carve a new path and even though it might be hard, next year will be easier. And after a few years, the holidays will no longer be directly linked with a time of year when you struggle with food. How can you let this year carve a new pathway for future years to come? Can you plan what you’re going to eat? Can you say “no” to sweets? Can you stop using food to fill up the emptiness when you’re unfulfilled or disappointed?
2. Don’t Do the Same Thing Expecting a Different Result
Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” We all do this during the holiday season. We have expectations that this year will be different. But we do things the same and sadly, experience the same disappointments. What can you do differently this year? Not just with your eating habits, but with your family and friends, too. Can you avoid a conflict? Can you ask for help? Can you be more unconditionally loving? Can you plan ahead? Can you ask for what you want instead of hoping you get it? Just because things have always gone a certain way, doesn’t mean they have to keep going in the same direction.
3. Know Your Patterns So You Can Win
With both food and family, if you know your patterns you can do things differently. What are your weak spots? Is it cheese and crackers? Is it Christmas Cookies? Is it latkes? Do you tend to eat when you first arrive to ease into a social situation? Do you keep eating at the end because you want to leave but feel obligated to stay? With family, are you the peacekeeper, the responsible one, the troublemaker? Knowing these common patterns give you a chance to see things clearly and do things in a new way.
5. Expect an Imperfect Holiday
The holiday can be great but there’s a good chance it won’t be perfect. If you accept that in advance, you might find yourself having more fun than usual. You might not make the perfect food choices, but you can still make better choices than you made last year. You might not have enough money to buy all the perfect gifts, but maybe that encourage you to make a homemade gift that will be far more meaningful. You might not have a perfect loving season with your spouse but if you can remember to stop amidst the chaos and have a few long hugs that might be a great way to stay connected.
These things can help you make small changes that might make a very big difference.
Since this is the holidays and everyone loves a story. I thought I’d include this poem. It's one of my favorites and perfect for the metaphor of carving new paths this holiday season.
THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street
I wish you the happiest imperfect holiday season that you’ve ever had.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:31:39 PM | 6 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2008
Oprah's Struggle with Overeating: What Does that Mean for You?
In yesterday's online version of People magazine it announced the theme of Oprah's January issue of O: Oprah has "fallen off the wagon." Oprah has gained forty pounds hitting the 200-pound mark. I'm writing about this for a number of reasons none of which are to celebrate Oprah's struggle but rather help you find compassion for her and for yourselves. Like so many of us Americans, her height and weight now make her officially obese. Let's look at the things that she said in the article and what they mean for you:
[more]
1. Yo-Yo Dieting Feels Bad
Oprah was quoted saying things like, "I'm mad at myself," and "I felt like a fat cow." Be sure to pay attention to your self-talk. Shaming or blaming yourself never helps to lose weight. We make good choices about food and exercise only from a place of self-love and self-acceptance. It's important to learn how to bounce back so that you can forgive yourself when you falter and get back in the saddle.
2. Knowledge is Not Always Power
"I'm embarrassed... I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, 'How did I let this happen again?" Oprah has access to all the information in the world, she can afford private trainers, lap band, liposuction and private chefs and that's still not enough to lose and keep the weight off. For the most part we all know that the magic recipe to lose weight is eat less/exercise more. Knowledge is not the answer. The missing link is being able to understand that food has a hold over you because you've installed it as a coping mechanism for anxiety, depression, boredom, loneliness and just about anything else. If you struggle with your weight it doesn't mean you're lazy or stupid (obviously not the case with Oprah). Intelligence is not enough to keep weight off. You need to heal your wounded places, find your unmet needs and offer yourself other, dare I say better, forms of comfort.
3. Food Can't Be Your Reward for Losing Weight
She mentioned that in 2005 she came out on her show wearing size 10 jeans after being on a four-month liquid diet. She said, "Two hours after that show, I started eating to celebrate—of course, within two days those jeans no longer fit!" So many of us do this. We get a taste of success. Our pants stop pinching us when we're sitting down or we don't feel the fat on our muffin tops vibrating when we drive our cars and suddenly we think that means we can treat ourselves with a little of this or that. To keep weight off for life, food has to stop being your reward. It can be a reward sometimes but it can't be your only reward.
4. Weight Issues are About the Management of Emotions, Not What You Eat
"My greatest failure was in believing that the weight issue was just about the weight," Winfrey told People Magazine in 1991. "It's about not handling stress properly." This is the information that Shrink Yourself has been teaching people for years. Overcoming weight issues has nothing to do with finding the right diet pill, plan or program. Overcoming weight issues has everything to do with how you handle stress. Despite all the glamour that people envy one could easily understand
that Oprah’s life must be stressful. She has a whole lot of responsibility to her followers and with that comes a lot of pressure and strain. It's no wonder that she would often return to her old source of comfort: food.
I've heard it said that human beings learn in spirals. We return to the same issues again and again, hopefully with new information, new skills and new insights. Your fluctuations in weight can be opportunities to learn more and more about who you are and what you need to manage the stress in your life. Overcoming emotional eating isn't easy. But we see people doing it here every day, with the support of an understanding community, and by finding the skills needed to stop using food as a friend, lover or form of medication and as Dr. Roger Gould says, to finally let food be just food. Our compassion is with Oprah and all of us who struggle to let food be just food. In the words of High School Musical (sorry I can't resist, I have an eight-year old) we're all in this together.
If stress is the thing that keeps you yo-yoing take a free session and see how we can start helping you today.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:32:51 AM | 34 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 03, 2008
Overspending & Overeating: What's the Connection?
Did you ever notice that the holidays are often a time when your
body gets heavier and your burden of debt gets heavier, too? There
is a direct correlation between overeating and overspending and no
time like the holiday season for this to flare up. Americans (and
many other Western Cultures) are consumers; we're consumers of food
making us the heaviest people in the world and we're consumers of
goods making us the most in debt in the world. You don't become obese
over night and you don't get in debt over night either. These two
things take time and a recurrence of practicing the same habits over
and over again. Both of these issues are ignited by choosing
immediate gratification over long-term peace and happiness. What it
will take to lose weight is not that different from what it will take
to get out of debt. Here's how you do it:
[more]
1. Know Where Your Calories (or Money) Go
Try keeping a log for one month of your expenditures and your calorie
consumption. When you know where you're spending, you get to be the
one who chooses. For instance, writing down where you spend your
money could enlighten you. You might think that you could never
afford a massage once a month but when you look at your receipts, you
notice that going to Starbucks every day is costing you $120/month.
What if you went every other day? With that information, you have a
choice. You can get a massage once a month for $60 and you'll be
consuming half the calories, too. Same thing with food. You might
deprive yourself of cake but when you look at your calorie
consumption you see that you're consuming 500 calories in sugar and
half & half in your coffee. Do you really want four cups of coffee or
would you rather have a piece of cake? When you know where the money
or calories are being spent, you can make more informed choices.
2. Think About the Future
In the immediate moment a tasty treat or a new purchase can seem like
the answer to every woe in the world. Be sure to stop and think
things through. No matter what you're feeling, will eating something
make you feel better in the end? Is that new shirt that costs $50
really worth it when it'll end up costing $150 by the time you pay
the finance charges on your credit card. Slowing things down and
thinking things through will limit the amount of impulsive,
unconscious decisions you make.
3. Be Selfish
When I say be selfish I don't meant what you think. I'm suggesting
that you stop keeping foods in the house because you think that
others will be disappointed if they're not there. For example, I have
to have sweets for the kids. Or feeling like you have to eat with
your husband even though you had dinner with the children two hours
before. When it comes to spending (particularly at the holidays) you
don't have to please people with purchases you can't afford
(especially in today's economy). Do what's right for you and don't
feel badly about it. Find other ways to make the holidays special
that don't include food or presents. Your children might remember a
night of caroling with a thermos of mulled cider for a lifetime while
they might never again remember a toy that will get discarded two
months from now.
Learning to regulate what you eat and where you spend your money are
two important aspects of being an adult. When you binge of food or
binge on buying, it often causes more anxiety than it quells. Keep
yourself calm by thinking things through and choosing where and how
you're going to reward yourself. When you know where your money (and
calories) go, you have more choices; and with more choices comes
more freedom, and with more freedom; greater peace of mind.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 6:19:40 AM | 12 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2008
Gratitude
I read a quote that said, “If I could only have one prayer it would be thank-you.” The importance of gratitude shouldn’t be underestimated. Many people adopt a gratitude practice. And what better time of year than Thanksgiving to do so.
For Emotional Eaters, Thanksgiving kicks off the holiday season and can create a lot of anxiety. How will you face the holidays without overeating? How will you be strong in the face of all the food that surrounds you? How will you face the stress of family gatherings without the comfort of food? How will you face the pressure of the holidays in a failing economy without rewarding the people you love with pies and cookies since you might not be able to give them as many gifts? So many questions. So many concerns. But you can counterbalance the strain by shifting your focus.
[more]
People have told me that they came to view their pattern of overeating as a blessing instead of a curse. They actually said thank-you for their feelings of powerlessness over food. Why? Because the discomfort of overeating (the added weight, the guilt and frustration) led them on a path to Shrink Yourself, a path where they had to face themselves, their feelings and their real needs. On this journey they found it wasn’t just their weight that was suffering, it was their lives, their fulfillment and their relationships. As they improved these parts of their lives, they needed food less and less. But if it weren’t for food, they would never have gotten uncomfortable enough to go looking for a better way. Can you find some reason to say thank-you for the struggles you’ve had with food?
Challenge yourself this holiday season to cultivate a gratitude practice. It can be simple. You can just say three things each night that you’re grateful for. You can say it to yourself. Your spouse. Or you can write it in a journal. Kids love to participate in this. You can do it at the dinner table or before bedtime. In a time when it’s easy to see what we don’t have, it’s great to remember the things that we do. What can you be thankful for? Love? A home? Healthy children? Enough food? Friends? Laughter? Saying thank-you for both the struggles and the successes can give us hope.
I am grateful for all of you and for the hope you give me everyday with your courage, your tenacity and your compassion for one another. I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 7:39:02 AM | 7 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2008
Men are Emotional Eaters Too
The majority of people that come to our site are women. This isn’t because emotional eating doesn’t affect men. It’s because it’s acceptable for men to overeat because they’re hungry, because they like food or even because they’re gluttons but it’s not acceptable for them to eat out of comfort. This can make it really hard for men to get the help they need even though they struggle with so many common emotional eating issues like binging, compulsive overeating and stress eating.
Last night I was at a friend’s watching reruns of The King of Queens (you all know I don’t have a television). The episode that was on was called Furious Gorge. Doug’s wife Carrie sends him to an overeating support group and instead he randomly happens into a support group for men whose wives are abusive. In the meeting he discovers that it’s his wife’s rage that sends him into the “loving arms of food.”
[more]
For Emotional Eater’s Who are Men
This site is for you, too. The men who have used our program have reaped equal benefits as the women but sadly most men don't come looking for help. You deserve to understand what’s behind your overeating. What needs aren’t getting met? Are you stressed by your boss, your relationship or the economy? Eating doesn’t solve the problem but you might not know how to solve it and so food can feel like a quick fix. It can be more difficult for you to express yourself. I’m not about to attempt to claim that I understand the male experience or mind. In fact, God knows I don’t. But I’ve heard it said that women have a 64 pack of Crayola Crayons to paint their feelings to the world and men get a measly three pack of primary colors that they give you at Applebee’s free with your menu. Expressing your feelings can be difficult but there’s so much more at stake than your heart, your cholesterol and your blood pressure. When you begin to understand why you eat you can begin to make different choices not just about food, but about work, relationships and fun.
For the People Who Love Men Who are Emotional Eaters
You don’t have to fix the male emotional eater in your life. You don’t have to leave the Shrink Yourself book out where they might see it or bookmark the homepage hoping they’ll get the hint. What you can do is be empathic. If you see they’re eating a lot maybe you can do something to ease their stress. Affection can make a big difference. Acknowledge the things they’re doing. And ease off on some of the nagging, for instance let them get away with forgetting to take the trash out for once. Above all, the best way you can help is leading by example. If they see you choosing other ways to deal with stress besides eating they might get inspired.
I am the mother of a boy. I can see that he has a tendency to choose food (particularly sweets) when he’s frustrated, bored or lonely. I’m trying to help him find other ways to deal with his emotions. But some boys that grew into men didn’t get a chance to find a new or different way to deal with stress. It's never too late. The first step is acknowledging that men are affected by emotional eating, too. Please allow me to welcome the men out there in the hopes that you too can get the help you need to recover your power over food which means becoming more empowered in your whole life.
Please use the comments below to share experiences about men and overeating.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 11:35:31 PM | 3 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2008
3 Ways to Enjoy the Time Until You Lose the Weight
Steve Tyler says, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” The problem with weight loss (and so many other things) is that we’re so goal-oriented. Even practices like meditation and yoga that are meant to bring you into the present are about getting to the end so you can say you completed it and feel like you did your part in staying healthy. People go to school, not to learn, but to earn a degree. People make love, not to experience connection and sensuality, but to climax. People eat well and exercise, not to nourish and care for themselves, but to lose weight.
When you have a lot of weight to lose reaching that goal can be a long way off. So, what do you do to make your journey worthwhile until you arrive at your destination.
[more]
1. REMEMBER MORE IS AT STAKE THAN JUST YOUR WEIGHT - For emotional eaters it’s not just our weight that suffers, it’s our quality of life. If we are turning to food to comfort it means that we’re not expressing ourselves honestly, that we haven’t found an outlet for our passion and dreams or that we’re staving off our dissatisfaction. Therefore, the more we admit our real needs and attend to them, the better our lives are and the less we need food as a crutch. On our way to our goal weight are many moments when we have the opportunity to be true to ourselves instead of eating.
2. EXERCISE & EATING WELL IS A WAY TO LOVE YOURSELF – It’s been said that you can’t love another person or be loved by another person until you know how to love yourself. But if you’re like me that whole thing sounds like an abstract concept, in other words a potential load of bull. What does loving yourself actually mean? Well, each time you make a choice to eat well, to avoid junk food, to go out for that walk, to go to the gym despite the cold weather, to plan and cook healthful meals, you are loving yourself. For some people, who never had loving, nurturing parents, this is actually a way to re-parent yourself. Each choice becomes an opportunity to love yourself instead of it being a moment where you feel resentful of being deprived.
3. YOUR BAGGAGE GOES WITH YOUR WEIGHT - For many people who have been delaying their growth and development by overeating, each pound lost represents a step towards a more evolved self. When you eat instead of coping, you disable your best thinking. Over time you lose confidence that you can, in fact, cope without the comfort of food. By facing your demons, the old ones and the everyday ones, you get stronger. August Wilson, the playwright, said, "As my spirit got bigger, my demons got smaller." Your baggage starts to fall away with each lost pound. Therefore, your journey can be walked with a lighter step, both literally and metaphorically.
So many people that write in to us share that when they stop eating for emotional reasons they gain control of their lives, confidence in who they are and greater peace of mind. Those things are so vital that those same people often tell us that the weight loss is just an added bonus. They no longer need to wait for their goal weight for their lives to begin, instead they have learned how to join their lives already in progress.
How can you enjoy the journey on your way towards your goal weight?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:19:29 PM | 14 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2008
Is Food Your Substitute for Love?
“Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.” I saw that on a bumper sticker. Who wants to fall in love? Well, judging by the success of every online dating site despite the failing economy, I would say most people are looking for love or looking for ways to improve their relationship. Unfortunately, the sweetness of romance can be unkindly bitter and with that in mind, the sweetness of cakes and Halloween candy and ice cream can feel like a sure thing. It can seem like a rational conclusion to make…don’t fall in love…fall in chocolate…but there are probably some things that you might not have considered.
[more]
If You’re in a Relationship
There are many ways we abandon and betray our partners in relationships. The most obvious way is cheating with another person. But there are much more subtle ways we abandon and betray our partners for instance focusing all our energy on the pets or children, being obsessed with work, not listening, being easily distracted, being constantly busy (cleaning, cooking, doing, planning) and one you might not expect is emotional eating. When food becomes our obsession it’s not that different from taking a lover. It’s just that the lover we’ve taken doesn’t have a heartbeat. We obsess about food the way someone might obsess about a mistress, we think about the private time we’ll get with a particular food the way one might when they’re having an affair, we focus on food and shut the other person out. With all those thoughts of food, how can we consider our partners? They say that adultery is just a symptom that something else is wrong in the relationship. You might have taken food as your lover after many years of being disappointed in your partnership. Perhaps you’ve given up trying to make it work and figure I won’t get the love, affection, communication or acknowledgment from my partner that I need so I might as well give myself the pleasure of eating what I want. Only problem, is when food fills your mind you’ve left the relationship. You intercept your best thinking by feeding yourself instead of feeding your love. When you give up food as your lover you can see one of a few things clearly. 1. Food may have been helping you tolerate being in a relationship that just doesn’t work anymore and perhaps it's time to do something about that. 2. If you feed your relationship as much as you’ve been feeding yourself the passion in your relationship might just reignite. 3. Food may have been the third wheel in your relationship.
If You’re Single
Many people that I talk to say that they eat out of loneliness. A lot of binging and overeating happens at night and on the weekend. When I inquire more deeply into why that might be it’s often because one associates the night or the weekend with special time that they’d like to be spending with a partner. It’s normal to be lonely when you wish you were with someone. Only problem with taking food as a substitute lover is that each time you overeat or binge you feel less attractive and less confident. This has something to do with weight but not everything. There are plenty of overweight people that have partners that are attracted to them. However, when you use food for emotional reasons, as you gain weight you lose your sense of self. And as you lose your sense of self you feel less and less confident. Each time you use food as your lover, you delay learning the skills you need to meet a suitable partner and you chip away at your self-confidence. The reality is that food never gives you the love that you’re looking for. It doesn’t talk to you, it doesn’t hold you, it doesn’t keep you warm at night. We can’t always meet someone exactly when we want to but how do we want to spend our time until a special person comes a long. Do we want to spend our time nursing ourselves with food or do we want to spend our time discovering who we are and what is unique about us? On lonely nights and weekends, rent movies that make you laugh, go to museums, meet up with friends, take walks to look at autumn leaves.
You all deserve love, whether you're in a relationship, or not, but instead of food being your substitute for love, eating well can be an every day way that you care for and love yourself.
Use the comments below to talk about the ways that you use food as a substitute for love and what areas of your life might be suffering as a result of your emotional eating.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:55:45 PM | 24 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2008
3 Ways to Combat Perfectionism
Progress, not perfection. People that are on a journey to lose weight always resonate with that statement. But for most of us, before we hear or believe a statement like that, we’ve already spent a lot of years thinking we should be perfect or we could be perfect. Today, I heard someone say, “When I got hypothyroidism I had to accept that I was not going to be the perfect size two anymore so I might as well be as fat as I could get.” Many people figure why not be fat if they can’t be perfect forgetting that perfect doesn’t exist. And if we expect ourselves to be perfect in our quest to lose weight, we’re going to be gravely disappointed and therefore more inclined to get resigned and give up. The simple fact is we’re going to have days when we make good choices and days when we could have made better choices. Sometimes, varying between those two can happen in the course of a single meal. So, how do you stop trying to attain perfection? Here’s some things that have worked for me.
[more]
1. THINK OF BILL GATES
I used to think that I wasn’t going to publish anything until it was perfect but Bill Gates helped me let go of my perfectionism. You see, Microsoft Word is one of the most flawed programs on the market. Bill Gates didn’t wait till he got it perfect. In fact, he released a new version this year and it is still imperfect. And we are still buying it, imperfections and all. If he had waited till he got it perfect, it wouldn’t be on sale yet today and he wouldn’t have billions of dollars to show for his imperfections. So, while you might not be able to lose weight perfectly just giving it a go can be worth the investment. It was for Bill and it can be for you, too.
2. BEING A PARENT
I have generally been good at the things that I try in life. I graduated with a 3.96 GPA (almost perfect), I can cook a meal for 12 gracefully, I can drive a manual car and a motorcycle but once I had a child I had to learn to cope with imperfection. If you don’t have a child, then think of any humbling thing you’ve tried. Being a perfect parent doesn’t exist. There are literally hundreds of opportunities a day to practice self-acceptance, creativity, patience, love, understanding, tolerance. There are hundreds of uncomfortable feelings too –anger, disappointment, joy, love, loneliness, exhaustion. The only thing I can do is show up and try my best. When I make a choice I don’t feel proud of, I forgive myself and learn from it for the next opportunity that will be winging its way at me within the next few seconds usually. It’s no different when ending a pattern of overeating or binging. You’re not going to get it perfect. You’re not going to eat only the prescribed amount of food. You’re not always going to leave the last bite on your plate or deny yourself of seconds. If you can accept that you’re less likely to do the common thing of giving up for the day once you’ve made one imperfect choice.
3. ACCEPTING MY BEST
I’m not going to have the perfect body, at least not in this lifetime. I have stretch marks from gaining eighty pounds in my pregnancy, I have less than perfect breasts from nursing for two years and truth be told I have cellulite on my posterior (I’m sure this blog will now help me attract heaps of male suitors – wink, wink). That being said, I have never been happier with my body. I’m not happy because my body is perfect. I’m happy because I do the best that I can to take care of it. I exercise five times a week even though I hate it. I eat well. I usually get enough rest. And I enjoy the foods I like in smaller quantities. I don’t feel deprived. I feel empowered by making the best choices I can. And when I don’t make good choices I forgive myself and try a little better the next time.
Lastly, did you know that most drum sounds on music that you hear today is made by a drum machine. Someone might have just been trying to eradicate all those cute drummer types that break young girl's hearts. Just kidding. The only problem is that drum machines are too on the nose. They are too perfect. That’s why the machines have a knob that tries to recreate human error. There is a sticker that some people put on their drum machines that says: Drum Machines Have No Soul. The imperfections in sound give the music soul and your imperfections show that you have soul, too.
Use the comments to share with each other the ways that you’ve learned how to combat perfectionism. This is a critical tool to overcoming any issue with food and being able to try your best which is all you really need to lose the weight.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:21:30 PM | 19 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2008
Is Food Really Your Friend?
“Food feels like my best friend.” I hear so many people say this. Maybe you can relate. When you’re upset, anxious, despondent, angry or bored the instant calm that food provides can feel like your greatest ally. But is it really a friend? Let’s take a look:
[more]
HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTER YOU’VE EATEN TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS?
Here are some of the feelings that people who overeat or binge report: “hopeless,” “disgusted,” “repulsed,” “out of control,” “full of self-hatred,” “unsatisfied,” “sick.” If a friend left you feeling this way wouldn’t you begin to wonder if it was a healthy relationship?
DOES IT REALLY GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED?
Friendships are based on give and take. We provide something for someone and they provide something for us. Of course, this may not always be perfectly balanced but certainly the best friendships are reciprocal. Someone told me this week that the only ways that she feels nurtured is by eating and shopping. Together, we explored other ways she could feel nurtured and get her needs met. What does food really give you besides extra weight?
IT SHORTCHANGES YOU
Everyone deserves a faithful friend. One who listens to us and makes us feel like our best selves. Looking at that list above, overeating, binging or eating the wrong foods simply doesn’t do that for anyone. Today, for example, I felt particularly anxious and tearful. You know those days where you just want to curl up and have the world disappear. I could’ve eaten and the tears might have gotten pushed down. I called a friend and I didn’t feel like he was available to have a particularly open conversation. I could’ve stopped there and eaten with a good excuse of not getting my needs met by my friend. But I didn’t. I called another friend. That friend heard me out, offered me some actions I could take to make my situation better and validated my feelings. When I got off the phone, the tearfulness had subsided, the heaviness in my chest and throat dissipated and I was free to enjoy the rest of my day. Food might have stopped my uncomfortable feelings for a little while but it wouldn’t have given me long-lasting reflection, relief and companionship. Eating would have offered an instant result but would have been short-changing myself.
It’s okay for food to be a part of a celebration. It’s even okay for food to be a source of comfort sometimes, but only when you are the one that is making the choice. When food feels like it’s got a hold over you, like it’s the one calling the shots, it’s not a friend but an evil temptress. Not too different from the friend that peer pressures you into skipping the gym, stealing, smoking, having an affair or not following through on your commitments. When you aren’t under the influence of a friend you can hang out with them even if they have different values and not be affected. Same goes with food. Each time you avoid food and figure out what you really need, you are being a friend to yourself. And this is a great place for you to start making new choices.
 | | | | Make emotional eating, food addiction, overeating, and binge eating a thing of the past! Not only will you see a difference in your body, you will see a difference in how you relate to food and everything else in your life. Click here to join now. | |
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:20:02 PM | 17 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 09, 2008
3 Ways to Avoid Weight Gain This Halloween
 I wanted to get this blog out early this year because I've seen that the stores are already stocked with Halloween candy. They are prepared for the holiday and you can be too. I live in a neighborhood in Los Angles that takes Halloween very seriously--houses are decorated and candy is given out in abundant quantities. My son can accumulate upwards of ten pounds of candy trick-or-treating. Now, even the worst bingers out there are not likely to go out and buy ten pounds of candy in one pop. it seems insane to bring this amount of sweets into the home of an emotional eater. I can remember desperate moments when I searched out the Halloween candy bag in the hopes that there might be a stale piece of chocolate hiding inside months after the holiday was over. I've since found some creative solutions to avoid having Halloween be a time of self-sabotage and weight gain.
1. DON'T BUY CANDY YOU LIKE FOR TRICK OR TREATERS - If I bought Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or Almond Joy I'd be in big trouble. I simply don't have that much willpower. Snagging a few from my son while out trick-or-treating is one thing but having big bags of them inside my house is something else. I recommend not buying things that you like. One woman said she buys candies with peanuts because she has a fierce allergy. Another woman told me that she buys gummy worms, tear jerkers and other equally offensive sweets. What can you buy this year that won't tempt you?
 2. THE SWITCH WITCH - Three years ago someone introduced me to the idea of The Switch Witch and it has been a saving grace. When you come home and the kids sort out their candiy, you decide how many they can keep. In my house, it's ten pieces. Then, the rest of the candy gets set out on the porch and The Switch Witch comes and replaces it while the kids are sleeping with a gift-- a DVD, a video game cartridge, a webkinz. The kids are happy and you don't have to deal with having candy around for weeks or months. This helps with two things. The most obvious one is that you don't deal with temptation for an extended period of time and the less obvious reason is that you don't have to deal with daily negotiations with your kids about how much candy they can eat. Can the Switch Witch make a visit to your house this year?
3. GET DRESSED UP - Find a costume for yourself. Getting dressed up gives you somewhere to put your creativity (other than thinking about how much candy you can eat without anyone noticing) and it creates a spirit of festivity and fun that improve the whole holiday. Who will you be this year?
I hope these suggestions make this Halloween go a little smoother for you and your children. They certainly have helped mine.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:56:33 PM | 22 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 01, 2008
I’m Doing Everything Right: Why Is the Scale Stuck on the Same Number?
There comes a time when I hear that statement from almost everyone that is trying to lose weight. Have you ever gone through a period of time when you went overboard eating everything in sight, for instance on a ten-day vacation, and it seemed like you weren’t gaining weight? Then, on the day you’re going home it seemed like over night you gained ten pounds and your clothes didn’t fit. That’s happened to me many times. The weight can come on suddenly after a long period of not exercising or eating well. The same thing happens with losing weight.
It’s almost as if our caveperson biology wants to make sure that we’re not in a time of famine before it gives up the extra weight on our bodies. What this translates into is the necessary willingness to patiently stick with a plan for a while before seeing results. However, let’s face it, we live in a time of instant gratification and when we don’t get it we want to give up. I’ve heard people say that things like:
“I weighed myself in the middle of a binge and decided I was already fat, so why bother stopping.”
“I lost two pounds so I rewarded myself with a indulgent dinner out.”
“I did well for four days and I didn’t lose a pound so I’m giving up.”
When you consider people who accomplish great things, you see people who are willing to work really hard, for a long time, without seeing results. Think of Olympic athletes who train for years before they ever win a medal. All of their practice and training is leading to a goal, but there is a moment-to-moment goal before the ultimate goal, and that goal is to get stronger, more flexible and more confident. It’s the same thing for you on your way towards your goal weight. Each time you make the right choice, don’t worry if it doesn’t affect the number on the scale just yet, the choice itself will be making you stronger, more flexible and more confident. These qualities will benefit you no matter what the scale says. By the time the scale reaches a number that you feel good about, you will have been transformed from the inside out and the outside in.
In other words, be patient. As cliché as it sounds, this is about the journey, not just the destination.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:29:09 PM | 15 COMMENTS
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2008
Never Binge Again
Never binging again is possible but the biggest mistake that people who binge make is saying to themselves, "I'll never binge again!" Yet, we all do it. The food is finished and then we promise ourselves that it will never happen again. Even though almost everyone that binges says that to themselves, it sets you up for self-hatred, guilt and failure. You see, no one that ends a pattern of binging does it cold turkey. You don't decide to stop and then never binge again. It's just not how ending a pattern of binging works. That's because the binge serves a very important purpose. It makes you feel better emotionally. So, if you're committed to never binging again what are the signs along the way the signify that you're succeeding:
*More time between binges (even something small for example, I used to binge every other day and now only do it every third day)
*Shorter binges (My binges used to last two days, now they only last an hour)
*Binges on smaller amounts of food (I used to eat a gallon of ice-cream, now I eat half a pint)
*The ability to stop a binge in the middle (I used to not even realize I was having a binge till it was over, now I can stop myself in the middle)
*Forgiving yourself more quickly after a binge ends (I don't talk to myself in a mean way when I binge, I have compassion for myself)
*Bouncing back more quickly when a binge happens (in other words recommitting to understanding and stopping your binge pattern)
*Understanding what feelings set off the binge (I was able to see that I had the binge after I had a fight with my boss)
*The ability to see a binge coming (even if you can't stop it yet)
Being able to acknowledge the small successes along the way is a really important step on the road to recovery. It can be all too easy to see how far you still need to go and forget how far you've already come. Ending a binge pattern is hard work but you can do it. One day you might not binge at all but it won't happen by making a declaration, it will happen by being loving to yourself and staying aware. So, don't say, "I'll never binge again." Instead, take it one gentle step at a time. Remember, you're looking for progress, not perfection.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 8:24:17 AM | 51 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Do You Need to Diet to Lose Weight?
This is a question that many people that come to our site ask. If 95% of diets fail, what's the answer? Well, the fact is you need three things to lose weight (and keep it off for life):
[more]
1. A sensible eating plan
2. A regular exercise routine
3. An understanding of Emotional Eating (without this people yo-yo)
We all know we need to eat well. We all know we need to exercise. But what most people don't know is that they need to understand emotional eating for the other two things to work. The people that come to our site begin to understand emotional eating which finally sets them up to win their struggle with their weight. Inevitably though, at some point, many of our members will ask me about what they should eat. As a certified nutritional consultant I believe everyone must find a sensible eating plan that works for them. There is no steadfast rule. Each body is different. When I recommend eating plans I resist calling them diets because "diet" tends to connote that you're going to do it for a while and then go back to your old ways. I have a friend who lost a significant amount of weight and has kept it off for years (she was definitely emotionally eating because her husband had been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's) and she said she had to accept that she was giving up bagels for breakfast, not just for a while but forever (and other foods, too). I'm not that rigid, I still have a bagel once or twice a month but you get the idea, it's a special treat, not a staple of my daily eating. To lose weight, and lose it for life, you have to change your ways, not just for a little while, for good.
Whatever plan you choose it should be one that teaches you a new way of eating that you can adopt for life. It should be one that teaches you about portion size and healthy snacks and basic nutrition. Don’t panic. That doesn't mean you can never splurge. I always say, “everything in moderation, even moderation.”
Many people can understand that eating to cope with life doesn’t work (that's the basic foundation of breaking an emotional eating pattern). But the harder part of sticking to a sensible eating plan is caused by the Rebellious Self (this is discussed in the Shrink Yourself book and in the Week 11 of the Shrink Yourself program). The Rebellious Self is the childlike part of each of us that doesn’t want to be told what to do. It will get you to eat what it wants just to prove that it’s not being controlled by anyone. Think of a six-year old whose parent restricts their sugar intake and can’t wait for the day when no one is going to tell them how much candy and ice-cream they can eat. That six-year old stays with us and chooses what we eat in adulthood. The problem is that it doesn’t understand that it’s hurting us more than helping us. A big part of growing up is developing the knowledge of which foods work for us and which foods don’t. It took me a long time to figure it out, but at thirty-five I pretty much know what I need to eat and what kind of exercise I need to do to look the way I want, and more importantly, to feel the way I want. If I'm an adult, I do it. On the days when I’m being rebellious, I don't. When I’m being an adult I can plan for splurging. For instance if I’ve eaten well and exercised during the work-week, I can feel justified going out for dinner on the weekend with no restrictions and sitting around reading the paper all day. I am a chef and thoroughly enjoy food so I can assure you that I do leave room for eating all of my favorite foods. I just don't eat them every day anymore.
If eating well doesn’t come naturally to you, then you need to teach yourself or let someone teach you. Perhaps, your next grown-up move is admitting you need guidance about what to eat and then picking an eating plan that makes sense to you. An eating plan is not a step back if you're viewing it differently this time. One friend I know had to adopt an eating plan that would prevent her from getting diabetes. This meant eliminating sugar and simple carbohydrates. She feels good physically but also feels less worried about her health which makes her feel good mentally. Another friend thrives on eating mostly whole grains and vegetables with very little meat. This helps her control her chronic gall bladder problems and keeps extra weight off. Another person does best on mostly animal protein and very little carbohydrates. He realized that when he eats bread or pasta or potatoes with meat, his thinking feels clouded, so he doesn't eat that way anymore. As you can see there is no eating plan that works for everyone. A big part of knowing which foods make you feel your best is understanding yourself, your needs, your moods, your illnesses, essentially it's coming to know the machine that is your body just like you know the workings of the particular car you have.
A solid understanding of emotional eating will ensure that you adhere to any eating plan you design or choose.
*Do you think that you can stick to a "diet" for awhile and then go back to the ways that you used to eat?
*What eating plan really works best for your particular body? Which has you feel your best?
*What parts of emotional eating keep you from sticking to that plan?
*Is it your Rebellious Self?
*Is it the fact that you aren't ready to give up the comfort that food provides?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:51:22 PM | 17 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 04, 2008
The Education You Never Got in School
My eight-year old son went back to school this week. There is hustle and bustle in the neighborhood about which teacher gives the most homework and how different third grade is from second grade. They will learn multiplication tables and how to write in cursive (not sure why they don't give touch typing lessons instead) along with so much new information. It got me thinking about how much time we spend in our lives getting an academic education. I was in school for twenty years, and even now, fifteen years out of university I still frequently take courses when I can. However, there isn't any obligatory, state-funded emotional education to navigate the stressful waters we sail in during our lives. By keeping that in mind perhaps you can forgive yourself when you find yourself reaching for food to deal with stress (or boredom, or anger, or loneliness, or grief, or sadness or any other feeling) instead of having the skills to handle those feelings head-on.
How can we start to give ourselves, and each other, the emotional education we didn't receive in school so we can fulfill ourselves instead of filling ourselves with food?
[more]
1. IDENTIFY -- First off, learn how to identify what you're feeling. Many of us don't even know what's going on for us, we just feel uncomfortable and want it to go away. I can't tell you how many people tell me what an epiphany they had when they realized they weren't hungry but tired and how they've since learned to simply put themselves to bed rather than eat at night. Start to identify what you feel. Are you angry? Tired? Bored? Do you need validation? Affection? Help?
2. RESPOND - Start to make associations about which feelings need which responses. I often say that feelings are like weather. They are a naturally occurring part of living in the world. There is rain. Sun. And storm. If you live in a place with less than idyllic weather, you have to learn what kind of coat, shoes, gloves and hat can get you through the day comfortably. You know you need an umbrella when it rains or sunblock when it's bright. Feelings are no different. As adults (and we can teach this to our children too), we need to know what we need when we're sad. Overwhelmed. Anxious. By understanding what we really need when these inevitable changes in mood occur, we can offer ourselves real comfort, real understanding and real responses to real needs rather than simply eating to survive the feeling until the next time.
3. PLAN AHEAD - As you come to identify your feelings and know what you need to respond to them, you can plan ahead. If you know that Sunday nights make you anxious because the work week is the next day, you can have a ritual that makes Sunday night easier. For instance, a yoga class, a board game with the family, a bath and meditation. If you know that you get anxious and overwhelmed when the kids need to be put to bed, you can devise a system that makes it easier or ask for help.
It's no wonder that we turn to food (and so many other things) to get through emotions. We simply weren't given the tools to understand, manage and work through the feelings associated with being human. Sure, we might have spent some time in therapy or read a few self-help books but it pales in comparison to the time we spent learning facts and figures that so many of us forget. What kind of world would it be if we taught our children to communicate their feelings, cooperate with one another, and soothe themselves through any uncomfortable emotion? The good news is that it's never too late to learn. By using the three steps above you can start to get the graduate degree you missed in emotional education.
How have you learned to identify and deal with your emotions?
How does planning ahead help you stay calm?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:25:08 AM | 11 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 2008
Back to School
Back to School
If you have children chances are they’ve just gone back or are about to go back to school. The school year can both help and hinder weight loss efforts. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
[more]
Pros of the School Year:
SCHEDULE: Summer vacation means a lot of free, unstructured time—including vacations with special treats like ice-cream cones. If you’re like me, you welcome the onset of the school year and the structure it provides. The schedule of the academic year can give you a routine that makes exercise and eating well more manageable. Let it work to your advantage. When you get out your ical program, PDAs or big paper calendars be sure to include planned time for yourself in addition to the soccer games and piano lessons—even if it’s just a couple of hours a week.
TIME TO YOURSELF: If you’re a working parent earlier bedtimes can give you a bit more free time in the evenings. Take advantage of the time by doing things that are restorative. Take a bath, stretch for a few minutes, make love, read a book, etc. If you stay at home be sure to take advantage of the free time while the children are in school. Plan to exercise as soon as you drop your children off so that you can get it done before you get back home and notice everything that needs to be done. By getting exercise out to the way early in the day you will feel accomplished and approach all of the rest of your tasks in an empowered way. Then, get as much work completed as you can. Remember that staying on top of chores, responsibilities and cleaning will help prevent binges. People often report that when they are overwhelmed they overeat or binge more frequently.
Cons of the School Year:
SNACKS & AFTER SCHOOL TREATS: Don’t make the excuse that you have to keep junk food in the house for the kids. They don’t need it and neither do you. Find healthy snacks that you both can enjoy.
HUSTLE & BUSTLE – For those that don’t thrive on a routine the hectic nature of the school year can make you reach for food to ease the stress. Stay on top of the stress of the school year by getting organized and taking time out for yourself even if it’s simply arriving at your children’s school five minutes early to meditate in the car or waking up ten minutes earlier than usual to read the paper before the house wakes up.
How does the school year affect your emotional eating?
Please offer tips to one another on how to make this school year the best one yet!
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:23:14 PM | 8 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2008
PMS and Emotional Eating
PMS affects both men and women so they’ll be information in this article for both genders. I decided to write on this topic because on the message boards I often hear questions about how to know the difference between PMS cravings and Emotional Eating Episodes.
PMS is a misunderstood and vilified but very real condition. It affects over 40% of all women. In recent years, women have had to deny that they experience any real shift in body or mind in the days before their periods to reduce the opinion that we are the less reliable sex as a result of menstruation. When we can accept the very real changes that happen to us we can recognize and admit our real monthly needs.
The best thing you can do is be prepared for PMS. Keep a calendar and know when it’s coming. By planning ahead you can work in extra rest, extra help and the right kind of meals that will help instead of hinder you. Part of being gentle and loving with yourself is the knowledge of what you need during this tender time and making sure you get it.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
[more]
PHYSICALLY – It is normal to have cravings when you expect your period. The reason that we have food cravings (usually for salt like chips or sweets like chocolate) is because our brains need an extra boost of serotonin. When we sense this we seek out simple carbohydrates because they give us a surge of this brain chemical. However, the quick but short acting effects of these kinds of foods do us more harm than good because they produce peaks and crashes. Therefore, if you know your period is coming you can plan ahead by eating well-rounded meals that include complex carbohydrates and good fats (for example, brown rice with black beans and olive oil, quinoa with sautéed vegetables, almond butter on a piece of whole grain bread).
Chocolate cravings can come from an imbalance of calcium and magnesium. A supplement that includes both can be helpful in reducing cravings.
Once you separate out the real physical components you can more clearly see the emotional eating components. I often tell people that a craving is a decadent piece of chocolate cake but an emotional eating episode is eating the whole cake. PMS might make you crave chocolate but it won’t have you eat a whole cake.
EMOTIONALLY – The heightened emotional state of PMS is very real. If you’re an Emotional Eater then your way to deal with uncomfortable feelings is to eat. This might be one of the reasons why you tend to eat more before your period. The emotional highs and lows of hormonal shifts can send you running to the fridge. The more accustomed you get to facing feelings head-on, the less you’ll need food to cope during this time of month or any time of month for that matter. Remember that while your period doesn’t create feelings it tends to hold a magnifying glass up to feelings and situations in your life. It’s a time of month to take stock but not to sort things out. Here is an example, when you’re getting your period something your spouse, child or parent does might drive you mad. This is the time to journal about your feelings or talk them out with a friend. Then, when you’re not fueled by hormones you can use the clarity you got to make requests and share your feelings. In other words, don't try to solve anything when you're expecting your period.
FOR MEN – Women barely understand what’s happening to their bodies once a month so how can we expect men to understand. Men have had to deal with the mood shifts of their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters since the beginning of time. If you’re a man you might be wondering what you can do. If a woman in your life keeps a calendar, pay attention to it, too. When she is getting her period, take initiative. Keep the house clean, offer to help with the kids, make healthy meals, give her affection or space (depending on which she needs) and make sure she gets rest. Don’t ask questions like “Is this your time of month?” or engage her in conversations about the relationship. Just love her and the days will pass much more easily.
The effects of PMS are real and they consume so many days of our lives. We can’t afford not to learn how to master them.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 1:30:51 PM | 12 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, AUGUST 05, 2008
Exercise: A Way to Finally Stick With It
There are some people that love to exercise. There are some people that feel the need to move their bodies. There are some people that can't wait to get out into the outdoors and run, jog, walk, skate, bike or hike. I am not one of those people. If you're reading this, maybe you're not either. I was a sedentary child who preferred reading to almost any kind of physical activity. As cliche as it is, I was picked last for every team. And my skinny soccer-playing cousins would put me on a regime of swimming and bicycle riding during summers at their house in an attempt to help me shed my ten-year old stomach rolls. By now, you can probably see that quite simply I did not like to exercise.
[more]
In my teens I enjoyed a few years of unearned thinness. Then, I gained what should have been the freshman fifteen, but for me was the freshman twenty-eight and realized that I would have to take a more active roll. Fine, I thought as long as that doesn't mean being active. I was a yo-yo exerciser. I went through long stretches of doing yoga five times a week. Then, I'd stop. Then, I'd take up weight training. I'd do it consistently for a six months, enough time to see results. I'd promise myself that I'd never stop so I wouldn't have to start all over again from square one. But somehow I just could never stick with something for very long. I just didn't like it.
The problem was that I was getting older. I had a baby, gained and lost eighty pounds and had hypothyroidism. There was just no way to put it off any longer. I was going to have to find a way to exercise, do it regularly and stick with it for life. I knew this intellectually but I didn't know how to make it happen. Being a writer taught me an important lesson. There are times when you are inspired to write. Those moments are terrific. The words flow freely. Endorphines pump from the thrill of a moving hand over a blank page. When you commit to being a writer, however, you have to teach yourself how to write well when you feel like it, and when you don't. Same thing with exercise. I finally accepted that if left to my own devices I was never going to WANT to exercise. The fact was that I didn't have to like it, I just had to do it. Kind of like flossing, or an annual pap smear or prostate exam or paying taxes. Exercise was no different, just a part of being a responsible adult.
Writers that write consistently pick the same time each week or day. I decided I would walk once a week. I could commit to that. There is a golf course by my son's school. The periphery is 2.25 miles -- a thirty-five minute walk. I would walk on Tuesday mornings right after I dropped my son off. If I went home first, I'd be sure to get involved with work or chores. In the beginning, I made a date to walk with a friend and if a friend wasn't available I talked on the phone. Anything to make the time go by. When I walked consistently for a few weeks and saw that I could do it, I added a second day. I slowly worked up to four days a week. I walk right after school starts and by the time I sit down to start my day I have gotten the most dreaded part of it out of the way. I have done this consistently for two years now. The funny thing is that I no longer dread it. I just do it and I find ways to make it more and more interesting for myself. Some times a friend joins me but I don't need one to insure that I go. I even leave the phone in the car. The most recent thing that I do is download podcasts from NPR and listen to the interesting lectures that I somehow always seem to miss when they're aired. My walk is a decadent part of my day. I have found a way to read (a thing I love) while my legs are moving. I'm so consumed with the words that I completely forget that I'm exercising (sometimes I even find myself jogging).
In the comments please share with us ways that you have gotten yourself to exercise more consistently.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 8:43:53 PM | 28 COMMENTS
THURSDAY, JULY 31, 2008
Food Pushers Everywhere You Go
Who in your life is enabling your Emotional Eating habit? I recently a story by Rob Long on NPR's Martini Shot about craft services (or catering) on film shoots. The set of television or movies can be very stressful. I remember in the early nineties taking a vacation from my position on the AIDS unit of a New York hospital to work for a month on a friend's feature film. The stress and tension on the film set far exceeded the stress and tension on the unit of the hospital where multiple people were dying everyday. I wanted to tell the crew that a movie wasn't life or death but no one would hear it. Apparently, they were convinced it was. On film sets Craft Services often provide comfort foods (doughnuts, mac and cheese, chips and other sweets). The food placates people. Dials down the stress and tension. The NPR story went on to say that every once in awhile craft services will switch and offer healthy options instead of the usual comfort foods. People start losing weight but get angry, have shorter tempers and explode more. Not a risk that producers want to take when that cranky person is holding "an 80 pound light over a celebrity." One might see why they would rather put out crappy food and keep people calm than offer healthy food and deal with explosive personalities.
[more]
But that's not the answer.
The answer, of course, is that we haven't learned how to face our emotions without food. In the absence of the comfort of food so many of us simply don't know how to deal.
While we have to take personal responsibility I want to illustrate that often (granted perhaps unknowingly) the people in our lives make it easy for us to perpetuate the emotional eating pattern. The NPR story reminded me how food has become a panacea for every emotion. And the most troubling part is that not only is it installed as a soothing mechanism but it is legally and enthusiastically pushed on people by their families, their spouses, their employers and through advertising. It would never be permitted to advertise heroin, or crack on a billboard or commercial. Even cigarette advertisements have been stopped because their health risks make public promotion morally reprehensible. And yet fast food meals that come in at a caloric count beyond what any healthy person should consume in a whole day are shamelessly displayed with their dripping cheese and crispy bacon in the most seductive way. Spouses bring home the very food that their partner is working so hard to stop eating. In work environments people put out trays of fat laden sweets. The other day I went to dentist where they had a huge bowl of Hershey Kisses in the waiting room—the very food that one shouldn't eat if they're interested in caring for their teeth. Yet, as patients waited ten minutes and then twenty minutes and then half an hour to be seen by the dentist they passed the time with some tasty morsels. How could they resist? A little bit of pleasure to put up with the wait. Right? Wrong.
There are plenty of people out there trying to pacify you by feeding you. Nietzche said that religion is the opium of the masses but perhaps these days (at least in this country) food comes in at a close second. We are getting fatter but we are numb enough to sit quietly in front of the TV on our couches. I don't mean to be harsh, it's just that there needs to be a better way. On line at Whole Foods last night I stood beside a girl who was buying chocolate covered strawberries and explaining that she was a good friend because she was bringing wine and strawberries to eat while she and a friend watched Project Runway. Is that what makes a good friend? As they sit there munching and watching models that they will never look like (especially if they consume the foods they're choosing) it seems like an obvious recipe for sadness and defeat. I'm not suggesting that they aspire to look like the models on the screen but what if instead of wine and food to complement their experience they did crunches during commercials or gave each other neck rubs or debriefed about their day?
There must be a way that we can help one another meet our goals, support one another when we're stressed and not keep throwing oil down the mountain our friends, colleagues and spouses are trying to summit. Is a gift of food really a gift of kindness or is someone just trying to keep you quiet? You don't have to be suspicious or angry towards the people that push food at you but by being aware you get to be the one who chooses. And you always have the choice to suggest something new or ask for help.
To listen to the NPR radio show: http://www.kcrw.com/etc/programs/ma/ma080611craft_services
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 8:31:30 AM | 25 COMMENTS
MONDAY, JULY 14, 2008
Shrink Your Waist, Expand Your Brain
What if I told you that there was not only a way you could lose weight and grow new brain cells, but that you could also add vitality and optimism to your life? If I were you I’d say that’s too good to be true, sounds like snake oil. So, let me explain.
It’s actually possible, but it’s not as simple as taking a pill or having your brain zapped by some fancy machine.
You would have to do some serious psychological work. You’d have to break the emotional eating habit that we have been talking about, and also master some small piece of your own personal development.
For example, challenging your shyness or social anxiety patterns. There is now enough evidence from neuroscience to proclaim that when you actually change a “comfort habit” your brain creates new cells and new pathways.
One patient of mine who I see for her Emotional Eating issues shared that she was terrified of going to her daughter’s school functions. She was so anxious about not having anything interesting to say that she would hide out at the buffet table with a mouth full of food. Then, she didn’t have to worry about any boring comments seeping out.
Now, that she’s making better food choices she was uncertain about how she would handle the function without the respite of the buffet. She screwed up her courage and actually did fine talking to another mother and making a new friend.
By taking risks and talking to people she accomplished three things. She didn’t consume excess calories by needing the comfort of the food. By talking to people a new world opened up and that gave her new hope. And by accomplishing those two things and breaking her “comfort habit” of avoidance and eating, her brain was actually growing while her belly was shrinking.
[more]
A daunting task
I understand that what I have described can be a daunting task, but that’s what you will need to do if you want a refreshed brain and a smaller stomach. The alternative is not only living with the brain and the body that you have, but living within the constrictions of social anxiety and self-doubt about whether you are “interesting” enough, and all that that implies.
In the first blog of this series I asked you to think about one version of your divided self: the dilemma of deciding whether the emotional eating habit was a blessing or a curse for you. Whether it was something you wanted to keep or something you want to shed.
Today, we take a peek below the surface of that conflict and see that it is really a question about whether or not you are ready to grow out of some old defensive pattern, and take charge of your life in a new and different way. At the root of most emotional eating is a pessimistic thought that you won’t ever be able to transcend those defensive patterns you adopted earlier in life that have become constrictors of your life right now.
Your roles
Social anxiety and shyness are just examples of being stuck. There are many others that may apply to you like carrying on a role you adopted or were assigned in your family. For example, the black sheep, or the caretaker, or the angry one, or the rebel, or the ”good girl”, etc. Maybe you are afraid to succeed, or assert yourself, or set boundaries, or try something new, or be more independent, etc.
What is the connection between emotional eating and personal development?
First, it is just what I described today. When you feel powerless to grow beyond some invisible but potent constricting defensive pattern (e.g. shyness, social anxiety, etc), you become excessively hungry, and eat too much to blot out your frustration and pessimism.
However, the second is what I have described before in previous posts. Whenever you eat too much to shut off your mind, you deprive yourself of the self-knowledge that would allow you to change the restrictive pattern. You do away with the signal that tells you to challenge this pattern. As long as you continue doing this, you can’t make the necessary changes in yourself that give you the refreshed vitality that every person needs.
Given all of this, I hope you will have a better understanding of why I emphasize the importance of the pause technique every time there are signs of an impending emotional eating episode. That’s the potential moment of change when you have an opportunity to derail this self-defeating cycle of eating every time you feel frustrated.
You can then see that you are shutting off the frustration so quickly you can’t possibly pursue the remedy.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 11:39:17 AM | 22 COMMENTS
MONDAY, JULY 07, 2008
Don't Speak - Don't Eat
People often turn to food when they're unsatisfied or frustrated. Therefore, learning to get your real needs met is a huge part of leaving overeating behind.
A member asked me a while back what to do when you've asked to get a need met from someone and they still don't meet it. There are many options which include determining if it's a need you can get met somewhere else or a need you can let go of. However, the option I'm going to focus on today is one that I call, in the words of Gwen Stefani, "Don't speak."
I read an excellent book recently called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. I highly recommend it. Here's a bit from the back cover that explains a lot: "Simply put, talking makes women move closer, but makes men move away. Even with the best of intentions talking about your relationship doesn't bring you close, and it will eventually drive you apart." This type of retreat/approach dynamic can be seen in many relationships, not just heterosexual marriages but between any kind of couple, co-workers, mothers and sons, etc. So, if talking doesn't make you closer you might be wondering what does?
According to the book, to connect with men, they need touch, activity (as in go on a hike, rake leaves together, sit in the same room when they do their bills), sex and routine (respecting their routine and the fact that it makes them feel safe).
The benefit is that when men feel connected they want to talk more. Talking doesn't make them feel connected. So, if you want to talk, you'll need to connect first.
It's normal to need things from others and to want to connect but perhaps it's the way we go about trying to get our needs met that leaves us hungry more than the needs themselves. We often try the same method repeatedly even though it doesn't work and then get increasingly frustrated and resentful. If we look, there is always a creative solution.
One of our members said that she and her husband used to sit beside each other on the couch at night eating and watching TV. Now, they came up with a new plan. She massages his feet while they watch. He feels connected (remember men feel connected through touch). Her hands are busy so she doesn't reach for the remote. And the feet are a natural appetite suppressant. Their relationship is getting better AND they are losing weight.
When you're frustrated or needy is there an action you can take instead of eating?
What are some non-verbal ways you can connect with your partner or people in general?
If you're still tempted to talk things out with your partner go and see Wall-E. It is a robot meets robot love story about Eve and Wall-E. Each character only says two words to the other. Their own name and the other's name. Despite their lack of words it is 100% clear through their actions that they are committed and connected. In this case, the old cliche stands true, actions speak louder than words. And while you can't control another's actions, you have power over your own.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:32:34 PM | 22 COMMENTS
MONDAY, JUNE 30, 2008
Carol Solomon
Carol Solomon, PhD has been a great supporter of what we do here at Shrink Yourself. She has featured our work and interviewed me for her newsletter which you can sign up for at the bottom of this web page: http://www.loseweightwitheft.com
Her work as a therapist, like mine, is committed to stopping emotional eating and self-sabotaging behaviors.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 3:13:53 PM | 4 COMMENTS
MONDAY, JUNE 16, 2008
Sex and the City
Recently, I saw the Sex and the City movie. Samantha Jones is tempted by her hot new male neighbor but for the first time in her life she's in a committed relationship. Suddenly she gains fifteen pounds and when her concerned friends inquire about her weight gain she says, "I eat so I won't cheat."
Many people don't realize that this is a very common type of emotional eating. We eat to stay faithful. When we're overweight less people are attracted to us and there is less temptation to cheat. Staying overweight also has us avoid the work of having to set boundaries with people--something that many of us don't know how to do (or are afraid to do).
The thing is Samantha had to learn eating isn't the solution. She had to accept that she wanted to cheat because she was in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling to her and she was unwilling to put the work in to make it fulfilling.
Is there a way that you're using your weight to be less attractive to others?
Does staying overweight keep you from having to do the work of learning how to set boundaries with people?
Are you stuffing in your dissatisfaction with a relationship with food?
It wasn't until Samantha admitted to her boyfriend that she wasn't committed to the relationship and made the steps to leave that she stopped stuffing herself.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 5:51:22 PM | 19 COMMENTS
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 2008
Kung Fu Panda: An Emotional Eater
I went to see Kung Fu Panda today (with my eight-year old son) and discovered that it's really a story about Emotional Eating.
Kung Fu Panda is an overweight panda who has been chosen to be the new Kung Fu Master and fight the bad guy. He doesn't believe he's up to the task but keep in mind that Kung Fu has been this Panda's secret passion for ages.
One night his master finds him at The Tree of Wisdom (he doesn't realize it's the Tree of Wisdom, he's just on the prowl for food) stuffing himself with peaches from the tree. His Wise Master says, "I know you eat because you're upset."
The panda reveals how inadequate he feels. And how ashamed he is of that inadequacy. And continues to stuff himself with peaches.
But then something interesting happens.
When he takes on the task of becoming a Kung Fu Master and realizes that he's pretty awesome at it, he finds that he's not hungry anymore.
What secret passions do you have? How is food keeping you from pursuing them?
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 8:03:57 AM | 27 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, MAY 20, 2008
Overeating Keeps You on the Sidelines of Life
Since people responded so well to the analogy blog I wrote last week, I've got another one for you.
Notice at a sporting event there are two groups of people:
The Players
&
The Spectators
Ever notice what the spectators are doing? They're eating and drinking. And lots of it, too.
Dodger Dogs...Ice-Cream Sundaes...Greasy Burgers...Peanuts...Buttered Popcorn....Nachos Smothered with Cheese....You name it!
Eating makes the experience of watching the game (for those that like the game and those that have no choice but to be there) more enjoyable.
Ever notice what the players are doing? They're playing. They're strategizing. They're maximizing on opportunities. They're falling and getting up again. They're striking out and then getting up at bat and trying harder the next time.
Ever see them eating? Imagine if Babe Ruth or Michael Jordon or Andre Agassi stopped in the middle of the game and had a binge right there on the court or field.
Pretty hard to imagine.
Overeating is a way that we stay safely on the sidelines of life. We keep ourselves out of the game and the only way to endure it, to pass the time, or make the time more pleasurable is to eat.
What ways are you using food to keep yourself out of the game of life?
Are you avoiding love and intimacy?
Are you avoiding finding new love or strengthening the relationship you're in?
Are you avoiding starting that business that you've always dreamed about?
Are you avoiding taking that dance class or going to Paris?
Take a risk. Find a way to put yourself in the game of life. Play a little.
Who knows it might be fun and heck, you might even find yourself having too much fun to stop and eat.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:59:42 AM | 31 COMMENTS
TUESDAY, MAY 13, 2008
Would You Give a Crying Child a Donut and Send Them Away?
I thought of an analogy recently to explain the concept of Emotional Eating.
If your child came up to you panicked and crying would you ever think of handing them a donut and sending them away.
Most parents would say, "No, that would be cruel."
More likely, you'd ask them what happened, did someone hurt them, are they okay?
You might see what you could do to help.
Take them in your arms.
Reassure them in some way.
Rub their back, wipe their tears or smooth their hair.
You'd hear them out and at the end, they might even laugh and hug you in gratitude.
With the hurt gone, they can go about playing again.
When you eat to comfort yourself, you're basically giving the hurt person in you a piece of food and sending them away.
Sure, if you gave the child the donut, they might forget their problem for a few minutes, they might even quiet down.
But they wouldn't really be heard. They wouldn't learn how to problem solve. They wouldn't feel connected.
Some parents, with good intention, give their kids food when they're upset. After all, we all start with putting the crying baby to our breasts but we may keep offering food because we haven't learned new and better ways to be there for them.
The next time you're tempted to eat out of comfort, PAUSE, there is a hurt child inside you that needs you.
She is trying to tell you something.
Stop to ask her what's going on for her.
Don't shut her up with food, hear her out and offer her real comfort instead.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 11:36:31 PM | 31 COMMENTS
SUNDAY, MAY 04, 2008
Put It on Paper
All of us have good intentions that don't ever get fulfilled.
Weeks pass by and we don't keep the promises that we make to ourselves. The garage doesn't get cleaned. We don't exercise. We don't eat right. We don't sit down and play that board game with our kids (with cellphones muted).
You might call it laziness. You might call it self-sabotage. You might call it lack of discipline or willpower. Whatever you call it, here's a helpful hint to make it (whatever it is for you) happen this week...put it on paper.
You'd be amazed what gets done when you make a to-do list or keep a schedule. It gives us great satisfaction when we can tick things off on a to-do list. And schedules make us feel safe. One of our members was awe-struck at how well her week went after sitting down Sunday night and writing down the meals she was going to eat and the days she was going to exercise (she even added in when she was allowed an indulgence and what that indulgence would be).
So, this week try putting something on paper - and see how much easier it is to stick to it.
For Shrink Yourself members...
[more]
For members of our program, I would recommend doing this with all the parts of the program, too. Keep a schedule of when you're going to do things so that you can make the most of all that we're offering you.
For example:
Monday: Guided Session & 10 minutes on Message boards
Tuesday: Weekly Workbook & Group Chat
Wednesday: Message boards
Thursday: Habit Diary Tasks
Friday: Hunger Coach
Put on your schedule the times you're going to to do each and how long you're going to spend. You'll see that if you're committing to working on yourself and the program everyday, it will only amount to about 2 hours a week and you'll see great results.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:25:59 PM | 17 COMMENTS
MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2008
Response to No More Cravings from Dr. Gould
I am so pleased with all of the comments on this first blog. So many of you have said I have hit the nail on the head, this is the issue you know and can identify with, but what is the "cure"? I know the answer,but it took me a book and an online program, to deliver that answer so a simple sound bite won't do it. But let me give it a try anyway, and welcome to the rest of the blogs in this series, where I will do it in more detail. Once eating has become a favored method of soothing, you have to do some work to change that habit. The work is simply learning how to stay with your thoughts and feelings long enough to understand what you are trying to tell yourself. Food shuts down the thinking/feeling process. You have to go in the other direction. The reason we have an online program is to help you become comfortable with your own mind so that you can discover exactly what mental patterns you have to change in order to be at peace with yourself. Once you switch your attention to your own personal development, food becomes secondary. Think of it as a train track switch. Many of the comments above from members describe that switch. Unfortunately one member couldn't make the switch the first time around but I hope she will do it the second time around, and I hope she will ask for our help so we can show her what she might be missing. Changing this pattern permanently requires real personal growth, not just a few tips about some temporary ways to distract yourself. The step by step, therapy like approach, is the only way I know to get there. Stay tuned to the next blog, or read the emotional eating 101 for some more information.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 11:46:45 AM | 12 COMMENTS
MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2008
Pause and Taste the Feeling, The Feeling That Makes You Eat Too Much
In this third blog I intend to fulfill my promise to you. I promised to introduce you to the one and only technique you will need to engage in a meaningful conversation with yourself about why you eat too much. You simply have to pause every time you recognize you are about to enter an emotional eating episode. The first part of technique is to recognize an emotional eating episode. The second part is to ask yourself why you want to eat too much at that particular moment. That is something you can observe and discover. Not why you want to eat in general, but why you want to eat at that critical moment.
Last week I told you how to recognize the beginning of an emotional eating episode. Here is what I said about the three signs.
[more]
The first is the overpowering urge to binge. It is a sure sign that you want to shut off your mind with food.
The second is an intense hunger when you know the hunger is not for food (you may have just finished a meal and are already physically full). This is a sure sign that you are feeling empty about something and are “emotionally” hungry.
The third is having a mind filled with thoughts about food or worries about weight. These are space occupying mental entities that distract you from thinking about what is really bothering you in life. These are boring repetitive thoughts that weigh down your mind. (There are additional signs, and if you want more, take the quiz on emotional eating on the shrinkyourself.com site.)
Once you spot an emotional eating episode and pause for a moment to reflect, you begin to use your thinking ability, the skill you need to understand yourself and to make decisions about the conduct of your life. If you never pause, the emotional eating habit continues to be carried on by a lower level of your mind. When you pause and ask yourself why am I doing this, you are using the best part of your mind, that part of your divided self that wants to get rid of the unhealthy eating pattern.
But here's where you need a little help. You can get lost in the many "why’s" that you find. You may find that on Monday you need to eat too much because you're bored while on Tuesday you eat too much at the office because you had a spat with a coworker, while on Wednesday you felt ignored by her husband, and so on. That is, your observation brings you to the first level of your journey of understanding, the first “why”.
You simply discovered that you eat to get rid of uncomfortable and painful feelings. You probably already know that but what you don't know what to do about it because you don't understand fully what else you could do. So now the answer to the why a question is a little bit richer. You need to get rid of uncomfortable feelings because you do not know what else to do with those feeling and food gives you relief and a temporary distraction.
That's good but you still have to go on and ask yourself why, as a fully grown adult, you can't find a better way of dealing with these feelings other than to eat too much? If you are able to get this far in your thinking you will notice that you begin to feel helpless and powerless. That’s a truly lousy state of mind, and you will want to run away from it with more food. Try not too, but even if you do, take note of the fact that you have tasted the deep part of the feeling that you want to run away from.
That's as far as you need to go this week. You need to ask yourself this short series of “why” questions every time you enter an emotional eating episode and follow your own thoughts and observations until you discover this state of powerlessness. If you do that this week, next week I'll begin to tell you why you feel powerless, and help you prove to yourself that you are NOT powerless.
That’s the secret change formula we use throughout the Shrink Yourself program. It works.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 11:44:20 AM | 23 COMMENTS
FRIDAY, APRIL 18, 2008
Michelle on Hot Mom's Club Site
Many of us are women.
Hot Mom's Club is a site that provides information and community for mothers who don't want to sacrifice their sexuality and confidence just because they've had children.
To Read Article click here.
POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 9:49:03 AM | 2 COMMENTS
MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2008
3 Reasons You Won’t Lose Weight
Today we are going to discuss the three reasons you won't lose weight: an overpowering urge to binge, an intense hunger when you know the hunger is not for food, and a mind filled with thoughts about food or worries about weight.
The good news: once you learn to control the emotional eating that causes these three obstacles... well, then you can take off the weight -- and keep it off -- for good.
Last week, in the first of this series about emotional eating, I left you with the dilemma of the divided self. One part of you wants to control your weight by eating in a healthy way while the other part of you wants to hold onto food as a form of self medication. You have to resolve this dilemma before you can control your weight.
[more]
Why you eat too much
If you were in treatment with me we would have a conversation about this. I would ask you to explore why you eat too much by observing when you do that. I would have you ask yourself is it because you are bored, or frustrated, or depressed, or anxious, or is it because you are around your family or some other relationship and don't know how to handle your emotions?
But you are not my office and you do not need to be there in order to have a conversation with yourself about these critical issues. With some help you can do it yourself.
To be more accurate you need to have a conversation with many of the selves within you but for our purposes today let's just consider that you have two people inside the same skull. Both skull mates are competing to control how much your hand puts into your mouth.
If these two roommates don't talk to each other they will just alternate in control and you will be a yo-yo dieter. You will diet and lose weight and then your other self will take over and you will gain all the pounds back plus about 10%. You may do this for decades with only fat and frustration as your reward for the thousands of days of dieting deprivation. Wouldn't you be better off talking to your skull mate?
Stop making you binge
Of course you would... but you'll have to learn how to do that. You can't simply tell your skull mate to stop making you binge or eat too much. That part of you does not like to be told what to do and has no interest in giving up food as an emotional relief. That part of you has a mind of its own.
Here is something you should know about your skull mate. He or she won't talk to you in words at the beginning so you have to understand how he or she expresses herself. There are three signature expressions of emotional eating.
The first, is the overpowering urge to binge. It is a sure sign that you want to shut off your mind with food.
The second is an intense hunger when you know the hunger is not for food (you may have just finished a meal and are already physically full). This is a sure sign that you are feeling empty about something and are “emotionally” hungry.
The third is having a mind filled with thoughts about food or worries about weight. These are space occupying mental entities that distract you from thinking about what is really bothering you in life. These are boring repetitive thoughts that weigh down your mind.
This is the knowledge you need to start your conversation with yourself. Every time you feel or think one of these three ways, the other part of you is talking and taking over. Your first task is to observe this and try to understand what is going on within you. Even though you will need more tools to come to a full understanding, you can begin with this knowledge.
In the next part of this series I'll describe a technique you can use to go the next step in your conversation with yourself.
POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 10:42:21 AM | 47 COMMENTS
MONDAY, APRIL 07, 2008
No More Cravings: Simple Secret Revealed
I am still taken aback every time I think of the answer a patient once gave me when I asked her WHY she ate half a dozen donuts. She said, "what else could I do?" She couldn't figure out a better way of dealing with the demands of her 16-year-old daughter. She temporarily “lost her mind.” She was paralyzed. She was unable to think like the intelligent adult that she was.
I started asking other patients the same WHY question, and kept on getting the same kind of answer, in one way or another telling me that the strength of a craving, the lure of a binge, or the power of food over them, was overwhelming, and they too “lost their mind” to food.
Emotional Eating: Blessing or Curse?
I heard more and more people tell me that their mind was taken over by thoughts about food and weight. They told me that their mind was “occupied” by a force they couldn’t understand, and what they wanted as much as weight loss was liberation from this preoccupation. In fact, there are 17 million Americans who have this same mental struggle even though they maintain a normal weight.
So why do YOU eat too much after you have committed to a diet and told yourself you are not going to do that anymore? On one level the answer is simple and obvious. You eat too much when you think you HAVE to use food to reduce your stress level or get away from some uncomfortable feeling or thought because you BELIEVE that you don’t have any other way of doing that. Then food becomes a tranquilizer; an instant, always available, medication that shuts down your mind. At those moments emotional eating is a BLESSING.
But when those moments pass, and you realize you have a bad habit of using food as a tranquilizer TOO often, and you understand that this is the single most sabotaging factor in your weight control struggle that makes you break your diet every time, then you know that emotional eating is a CURSE, and you spend a lot of mental energy beating yourself up.
And if this habit of emotional eating is too embedded in your life, it is even more of a CURSE because on some level you understand that this habit so overloads your mind with obsessive thoughts about food and weight, that you can hardly think of anything else. It is a very bad eating habit that distracts you from vigorously pursuing your own personal development and the betterment of your relationships because it uses up too much mental oxygen. It is the addictive habit that causes binge eating and bulimia.
Control Your Binges
If you have struggled with your weight and quit as many diets as you started you are very familiar with what I have just described. Your problem is that you have not yet decided whether emotional eating is a BLESSING or a CURSE. On one hand you desperately want to control your eating; and on the other hand you want to be able to binge when the craving becomes so strong that you feel helpless and think to yourself, "what else could I do?"
You have a divided self because it is BOTH a blessing and a curse for you. You will be at peace with yourself about food and weight only after you have resolved the divided self conflict within you. If you don't resolve this conflict you won't be in charge of yourself and no matter how successful you are at losing weight by any diet, you'll always be worried about regaining it.
Large scale research on dieters tells us that you are in one of three equally large groups.
1.You only want a quick fix, fast-loss diet which means you would rather go through another cycle of weight loss and regaining than deal with this divided self conflict.
2. You have given up on all diets or weight loss approaches which means you have decided that emotional eating is too much of blessing to ever think of giving it up.
3. You recognize you need to make real lifestyle changes in regard to food which means you recognize emotional eating is more a curse than a blessing and you are looking for ways to resolve this divided self conflict.
I know this conflict very well. As a psychiatrist I have studied this with my own patients, written a book, and then created a program that has been used successfully |
