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FRIDAY, APRIL 09, 2010

The Link Between Being Stuck and Losing Weight

Ninety-five percent of dieters gain their weight back. This discouraging statistic prompted the beginning of a group called the National Weight Control Registry. They became interested in determining what brought success to that 5% of people who are able to lose weight and keep it off. What they've found was that the people that kept the weight off didn't just change their eating patterns, they changed their life in some way.

Perhaps you know someone who has lost weight and kept it off. When you inquired into how they succeed you might have heard them say something like this:
[more]
I was going through menopause and didn't want to go into the next part of my life as a heavy person.

I was ready to start having fun in my life.

It was time to get my career into high gear.

I was going through a divorce.

It's time to stop being so afraid of rejection.

I lost someone dear to me and realized it was time to take care of myself.

I was ready to own my own sexuality.

The place where they were stuck wasn't just related to their weight, it was related to some aspect of their life. When you are stuck you’re emotionally hungry. The people who have dieted successfully got fed up with being emotionally hungry. By dealing with the underlying issues that fueled their emotional hunger they were able to turn off their hunger switch. Their physical hunger became manageable and they were able to adhere to a sensible eating plan and lose weight, and keep it off with no dieting. This didn't happen all at once. They had to learn how to turn off their emotional hunger switch. They had to contend with the reality that it wasn't just that they felt emotionally hungry. It was that they felt powerless to do anything about their emotional hunger. They didn't believe that they could effect any change in the parts of their lives that were unsatisfying. They had to prove to themselves that wasn't true, that they weren't powerless.

In an Internet study we conducted last year with 7500 people we determined that there is a strong relationship between being overweight and feeling stuck. For roughly two thirds of serious dieters, going on a diet was part of their attempt to do something positive about their life. A way to get unstuck, so to speak.
If you feel stuck in life, you are not alone. 28 million people in this country are on antidepressants. Most of them are on medication for sub-clinical depression which means they're not mentally ill, they are dissatisfied with their life. What are the areas where you feel stuck in your life?

Being stuck is like having one foot on the gas pedal and another on the break. Your foot is on the gas pedal because you desperately want to go somewhere, that's somewhere in the future where it feels like your life will to be on track. Your foot is on the break because you're afraid.

Emotional hunger is there to indicate where you need to make a change. When a person eats because emotional hunger is too uncomfortable they disable their body’s internal guidance system. They no longer have an inner compass leading them toward the things they want or leading them away from the things they don't want. Once this happens they are more likely to stay stuck. For example one of our online users has a husband who works nights. He was home for the first night in awhile and was watching baseball. She felt emotionally hungry. Her hunger switch got turned on and she felt like she wanted to go to the fridge and binge. But she stopped herself and paused. She thought I could say something stupid like, “you never spent any time with me.” But she didn't. She thought things through. She realized what feeling was fueling her emotional hunger and instead she said, “I miss you. “ Her husband turned off the TV. She was able to get unstuck in her relationship with her husband by being honest with her feelings. When she did that she could see that even if she ate everything in the fridge it couldn't have filled the space of wanting to connect with her husband.

Be honest with yourself. Are you ready to get unstuck? Take your foot off the brake and you will begin to go forward. Once you're moving you can steer yourself where you want to go. The way to take your foot off the brake is to break the emotional eating habit.

POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:07:17 PM

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14 COMMENTS

Colleen Bawn said...

I have just started this program. I use it in conjunction wtih My Virtual Shrink. Both programs are like bright lights switching on. There is a tiny gap between feeling the pain and resorting to old ingrained habits which are not helpful. I've been married for 31 years. Without making any conscious attempt provoke, my Mother found me intolerable. My older siblings were good friends with her but I just did not have the code to communicate with them effectively. I went through my childhood in a sort of paralysis. Luckily I went to a girls school where there was great espit de corps and I was a good tennis player so I had a break from being the scapegoat at home. I got into a good profession and found work easily. I got married and not long into the marriage found that although I tried to communicate clearly I just was not heard............................again......... It has taken me years to calm down and see the dynamics of my behaviour and my reaction to emotional pain. I have meditated for years and have striven for good behaviour and ethics and still something was missing. In the past year since my mother's death my life has started to unravel. I was so confused as I have always done my best to be moral. Dr Gould came into my life just as I was descending into despair. I am a better writer than a chatter so this is the perfect vehicle for me. In a short week I have learnt to step back and just observe. More importantly I have begun to see that I have to look after myself as well as everyone else. I am also getting the idea that everything that goes wrong is not my fault. This is an exciting process and I am allowing me hours each day to explore my potential for peace and happiness.

Barbie M said...

For me being stuck in life directly correlates with emotional eating and, though I don't like being responsible for my life, it is what it is. I do need to learn the skill of active problem solving to get unstuck. This means, to me, that I change my preconceived notions of how I think things should be. Ok, so my spouse isn't living up to my expectations. I could nag him or sulk or overeat or ... any myriad of disfunctional behaviors. Or I could change myself. I could change my focus. A turning point for me was watching the movie "FIRE PROOF" and working through the book "Love Dare." It helped me to see my role in my marriage and how I could step into my part of the covenant relationship. Anyway, it's just a thought for those who see themselves stuck in a mediocre marriage.

Laura said...

jstango: Very well said, and very inspiring. Next time I 'want to' I will work harder at all the factors urging me to use food I will address the issues of : quelling the rebellious child in me, nurture the lonely little girl, and try to love myself just as i am. COE and all. I love your statement: "you are the boss of you, you get to pick". thankyou

jstango said...

Laura, I think you're at an important crossroads that we all come to - over and over again but this time you are armed with more knowledge. In the past, I would eat mindlessly, not even knowing what was the catalyst. Now, I usually have some idea what is driving me to want to eat but the choice is still mine. You have the right to choose whatever method of dealing with those feelings that you want to. The point is to look at it. Do you know why you want to eat? If so, do you want to go ahead and use food to cope or try something new? You're the boss of you. You get to pick. And you also get to be responsible for what you choose and the results. Overwhelming? Sometimes. Empowering? I think so. I am the boss of me!!!

Tracy64 said...

This really related to me. I have been married for 19 yrs and the marriage is ok but I often wonder if this is it - there must be more love and excitement out there. It is dull and mundane and alot of the time we do not connect, we live like 2 people who happen to live in the same house with 2 children so I am busy with them and my work and my husband is busy and stressed with his. I do not want to leave as there is also a lot of good in it, but at the same time feel stuck and undernourished. Having read this I see this is where the food comes in and why it is only the last 5 years that I have had a weight problem before that I had plenty in my life to nourish me and get the love from - the children were younger and more involving and I got alot back from them they are now 13 and I had a satisfying job. I am self employed now working from home so have lost that connection.

Maxy said...

Dr. Gould has another website that deals with being stuck in life: myvirtualshrink.com Maybe try that first and then come back here after you have solved some basic issues.

Laura said...

What if you want to get unstuck not necessarily with partner, but with life but you want to binge and just eat and eat...too...because sometimes NOT eating is just too hard?

Leanna said...

Reply to GEN: Gen, that's why I don't think that I agree with "cheat days" when it comes to weight loss. I think that it's great if you can allow yourself that one day only, and it doesn't spill over into two days, or three days, or more. The problem is, there are often leftovers just say, you allow yourself icecream on a Friday night. There would be more left in the freezer on Saturday, and Sunday, and even Monday. Before you know it you've splurged for like, four days straight. What works best for me was not buying any treats to splurge on in bulk, that is, don't go to the grocery store and buy a box or bag of whatever it is you're splurging on. Instead, order a single serving at a restaurant or store OUTSIDE of the house, and once it's done, it's done, and you don't have to worry about it. There won't be anything left in your kitchen to nag at your mind or make you eat when you aren't even hungry. You said you ate chocolate bars that you weren't even craving--that would be much harder to do if they weren't in the house to begin with. Make a fun trip every weekend to your favourite restaurant or ice cream shop and get your favourite thing...I loved getting vanilla ice cream....and then you'll look forward to it all week and you won't binge on anything else because you know you've got your weekly treat waiting!!!! : I hope this helps! Good luck on your weight loss!!!! xox

Gen said...

Your comments and the blog are very interesting. I must be an emotional eater 'cause I eat a lot when I'm not hungry, yet I don't fit into any of Dr Gould's 'categories'. I work hard eating sensibly Mon - Thurs., an rarely suffer hunger pangs for those 4 days - almost as if my mind and body now accept that it has to be done that way. I promise myself the reward of 'relaxing' my eating habits when Fri evening comes around. But what do I do? I TOTALLY go off the rails when the week-end comes, eating all the wrong things often when I'm not even hungry and completely undoing all the good I did during the week. I do exactly the same when I'm away on vacation, for the whole week! It's as if my head clicks into another place and I am powerless to do anything about it. It's Sunday night now and, knowing that tomorrow I'll have to be back on track, I've just eaten two bars of chocolate that I wasn't even craving! I'm so stuck in this awful routine, it's like a depressing treadmill that I can't get off. Any suggestions?

Freya7 said...

I'm fascinated by the insight that if I let myself feel my emotional hunger without stuffing it down with food, that it will guide me towards seeing where to make changes in my life and move forwards.... That my emotions are actually talking to me, and if I learn to listen to them rather than get scared, I will find my way.... I have been doing this program for just over 3 months now and I haven't lost weight yet, but I'm sure it's coming - I am eating quite differently most of the time, and have far fewer cravings. Thank-you for your clear sighted encouragement and advice.

jstango said...

When I was divorced, the weight fell off. I grieved but I did it out loud - no reason to eat to hide it. I'm married again this time husband not abusive but I am choosing to impose some of the same mental limitations I had in my first marriage. Our relationship is not perfect, he hates to talk, we struggle to communicate but I, like the rest of you, know there is no perfect relationship out there. I need to figure out how to live out loud even when I am a wife.

shirley61 said...

I can relate to this article, I have been married for 36 years but we do have alot in common. That has never been a problem. He has more energy than I do sometimes and he doesn't know how to relax. So I get upset when wants to go go go and I want to relax and read or exercise. I have some medical issues and one thing I have to do is exercise. So I turn to eating when I get frustrated. He is a very busy person with his job and he also works in our home. So his job is always facing him at home. So to keep me company I eat. I just started this program in March/2010 and I can already see how I am stuffing my emotions. I also worry about him so that makes me want to eat. We do have outside interests of boating, skiing etc. We are also in a situation of caring for my dad who is 92 and his mom who is 83. His mom lives 5 hours away and my day lives in Florida. We are both from Canada. We have alot on our plates but he seems to handle food better and stress better than me.

Mrs Kitty said...

I sympathize with your situation! I, too, am married but eat because I am left out of activities as well as the loop with my husband and stepson. At 50, I hate to start all over again yet, he's a good provider, just unable to comprehend how I am so lonely. I stuffed myself every time they left me home alone while they went out and had fun. Finally, I realized because I had God, I was NEVER alone and focus on Him now instead of punishing/consoling myself with food. You have love inside you that needs to be given. If you choose to stay in the relationship, join/become active in church, help with a charity, walk dogs or pet cats at your local shelter, take up painting or poetry. Let your energy and talents out into the world to be appreciated by many instead of keeping them at home where they are underappreciated by one! We're cheering you on!

Manxiety said...

This is a light bulb moment. Unfortunately I can't see how to redress emotional problems that are causing the emotional eating. Been married for 44 years and it's OK but not emotionally nourishing. Husband too dominant - I'm too passive. Tried marriage counselling, but in the end have just settled for being content with what I have and making the best of it. Divorce would be too drastic and cruel for all concerned.

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