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FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010

When you hurt too much, you eat too much.

I have described in the last several blogs how rebellion, self doubt, marriage, guilt, and perfectionism can cause you to overeat and or binge. I have said it before, ANY life frustration can be the trigger that makes you eat too much. And what makes you eat too much one day will be different than what makes you eat too much on another day. This can be disappointing if you are hoping to find and fix that ONE trigger that explains it all.

But if you look closer at yourself there IS something that ties it all together. It is not out there where things happen to you. It is inside you. The common denominator is the way YOUR mind and body responds to the frustrating triggers of a complex life.
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On bad eating days, those days when you have an overwhelming desire to binge or eat too much, you are really "hurting too much" and you don’t believe you can bear the pain. It's not the source of the problem that makes you overeat, its the pain you feel when you think about what's bothering you.

Why are some days good food days, and other bad food days?
The same frustrations that you might have been able to work through on one day, may feel very different on another day. It is likely that you are a very sensitive and caring person, so that things bother you on a deeper level than most other people. When too many negative things happen at once, particularly when you are tired and overworked, your sensitivity to being hurt increases and you feel more vulnerable. Some part of you rings the emergency signal because you feel flooded or overwhelmed, and anticipate being even more hurt and more overwhelmed.

Your out of control cravings are actually emergency reflexes.
You believe you have to eat to avoid some emotional disaster. You have to scale down the hurt by shutting down your mind. That’s why some people report that they eat themselves into oblivion, and continue to eat even if they are painfully full because they must get out of themselves into another mental world. It’s not much different than getting drunk.

Unless you change this pattern, you won’t be able to control your eating. “Emergencies” will always trump your best intentions, and it’s only a matter of time until you just give up in the face of this mysterious other part of you that clicks in and takes over.

So, how can you change this pattern?
How can you turn off this reflex, which we call the “Hunger Switch”. You can’t turn it off if you are convinced you will hurt so much you can’t bear it. You CAN turn it off, and thousands have, by learning from your own real life experiences that the hurt you are predicting is not at all unbearable, and no more frustrating or impossible to handle than it is on good food days, when you feel in control.

You have to prove to yourself that no disaster will occur if you interrupt this reflex long enough to pause and start thinking about what is bothering you. You have to prove this to yourself, over and over again, until you are absolutely sure that it is true. That’s why in the first month of the Shrink Yourself Program we take you through all the exercises you need to safely experiment and discover for yourself that your "emergency" predictions have been erroneous.

Think of it as like recovering from knee surgery. It's painful to start stretching and walking at first, and becomes easier until you have recovered your full function at which time there is no pain at all. And that may sound easy compared to what I am about to ask you to consider...

When you are feeling hurt and overwhelmed and your "Hunger Switch" is turned on, what emotional disaster are you predicting when you grab for food to shut down your mind?

POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 12:41:58 PM

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26 COMMENTS

Elisab123 said...

I'm afraid of an emotional breakdown from which I'll never recover, lapsing into mental illness, driving everyone around me away and ruining whatever's left of my miserable life.

Andy95 said...

For those that are new to the program, let me share some of my experiences. When I joined , I knew I was an emotional eater and saw the SY book was well liked. I expected the book would provide useful tips to avoid emotional eating like keeping busy or eating carrots. But I never expected it to make me look inside myself and I found this far more difficult and challenging than I expected. I had no idea why I pigged out a parties. I assumed it was all the irresistible goodies. But as I dug deeper, I realized I'm somewhat shy and not the most social person. But I could address this by talking with people I like, avoid people I don't, and ask interesting people questions about themselves. This helped me relax and stop eating. For newcomers: It is difficult to dig deep inside yourself to find out how you tick, but don't be afraid of it. This will help you succeed.

Andy95 said...

Sarah: Everyone has self doubts but everyone does not overeat to soothe them and comfort ourselves. Understanding ourselves better and finding ways to address our self doubts helps us accept ourselves, regain our confidence and mature as people. People are not robots and people deal with their doubts in different ways like drinking or drugs or anger. Arrogant people have self doubts too and that's why they outwardly act like they know all and can do all. We're the ones that use food

infjcreative said...

I read this in chapter 2 of SY yesterday: "Catastrophe predictions are doomsday thoughts that are, in fact, not true. They relfect the worst that your brain images is possible. Instead of experiencing saness, you see yourself being depressed forever. Instead of feeling loneliness, you see yourself as a seventy-year-old spinster with 16 cats. Instead of dealing with simple anger, you're afraid you'll hurt someone." And this too: "Your feelings aren't there to make you miserable. Rather, emotions provide you with information aboiut your interior life. Wrapped inside your feelings are messages you need to hear. Because of the catastrophe predictions you attache to emotions, you fear staying with your feelings long enough to hear yourself."

sarah said...

I worry that all this talk of powerlessness is just making us feel powerless...

sarah said...

Do you feel powerless about how to deal with your self-doubts? Powerless...? Hmmm.. don't we all have self doubts? Isn't that normal. We would be robots if we didn't have any self doubts. I find it's only arrogant people who don't have any self doubts and then I think they are just kidding themselves and come across as really false.. Do you feel powerless about how to get real satisfaction in life? Real satisfaction? Isn't that a transient things like all mood swings are.. Isn't that part of the emotional spectrum of being a human being. To experience happiness we must know what sorrow is.. Do you feel powerless to insure your own sense of safety? Safety? No-one can ever be totally safe. Who doesn't ever have pangs of fear is, well in my opinion, kidding themselves or a robot.. Do you feel powerless to appropriately assert your independence? Surely we have all felt like this at some time and surely it is only natural to worry that it may happen again. We never know who we are going to meet and what is round the corner. We think we have got it all sorted and then bam something else hits us between the eyes.. That is life unfortunately.. Do you feel powerless to fill yourself up when you feel empty inside? Yes, at times..

sarah said...

proud2bm: Yes you are probably right, maybe I will do that. I don't know what my issues with food are. I am just always hungry and can't control that. I tell you what annoys me - when I go out with friends or have friends over and they pick at food and just sit there and don't really eat anything. Then I feel self conscious and end up eatting more. I don't know why I over eat. It stresses me out. I feel like other people are so perfect and I am a failure.

infjcreative said...

I believe the question is: When you are feeling hurt and overwhelmed and your "Hunger Switch" is turned on, what emotional disaster are you predicting when you grab for food to shut down your mind? I've only just begun this program, so I don't have a great deal of insight, however, to answer the question as best I can: I feel a great deal of pain, so what emotional disaster am I predicting? Some huge loss of control or expression of pain unmediated by food - it would be like jumping off a high cliff screaming. Honestly I can't recollect doing this WITHOUT food. I have always just given in. So it appears that I do not know how to deal with what I perceive to be emotional pain.

proud2bme said...

sarah: part of this process is accepting yourself. I don't know if you have gone through Lesson 1 yet or not, but it addresses our motivations for losing weight and helps you identify the ones that are positive and the ones that you should beware of the pitfalls of those that involve dieting to please other people. What I am learning is that part of accepting myself means not self-medicating my emotions with food. It is a process. Accepting yourself doesn't mean that you have to accept self-destructive habits like emotional eating. Give yourself time. Things cannot change overnight, but the fact that you are here means that you are at least acknowledging that you need to make a change.

shirley61 said...

I tend to eat too much during social situations, but since the SY program I realize it and I am trying to reverse it. When I get frustrated with someone I also tend to overeat. I am in week 9 of the program and finally getting to know what sparks me to overeat. Now the thing is to change the hunger switches. Easier said then done.

bandybrandy said...

I am triggered when my husband leaves the house. He has had some serious issues with drinking. He has been much better but I think I fear everytime he leaves that I will get one of "those" calls again. That he is in jail, wrecked his car, or even dead. I binge when ever he leaves and I dont know how to stop. I just did it on Sat.

aponi said...

My hunger switch is turned on when I am uncomfortable for example if I think people are talking about me, if I feel like I might not be able to cover the monthly bills and have spending money, if I think of the next diet I have to go on to lose the weight, basically whenever I have an emotion that I do not think I can handle on my own I tend to overeat. Now that I am writing this down I see how crazy these thoughts really are!

sarah said...

Why do we have to 'shrink' ourselves? Why can't we be happy with ourselves the way we are. I hear the words 'shrink yourself' and I go into a blind panic.... OMG What do I need to do to 'shrink' myself? Where am I going wrong... It is all terrifying to me and every time I eat some 'bad' ie a packet of crisps, or I give in to my craving for an early lunch it just reinforces the feelings that I am NOT shrinking myself.. Maybe I just need to accept myself the way I am and not go into a blind panic everytime I have a double chocolate cookie and then some..

Megan said...

In regards to the above article: If I don't grab for food I and numb out I: may not like the thoughts that I have toward other people like family members, someone I work with, or friend who isn't working in my life anymore- what if I say mean things or things that they don't like? What if I can't turn off my bitch switch? What if they won't like me? I realize that I don't trust myself enough to know that I am a kind person with good intentions. But even kind people have the right to express themselves. And since when do we have to be liked by everyone? That is impossible. These are the thoughts that have kept me stuffing down my feelings with food. I just never identified them until now. Here are some more: What will happen if I stop eating long enough to see the areas of discontent in my life? What if I can't find the solution? What if I don't have the patience to work toward the solution? Will I be stuck forever? Will life be miserable in the meantime? It seems like this is the perfect time to "doubt the doubts". I don't have the answer to all of these questions and maybe I never will. But food will never give me the answer. I'm interested to see what else I come up with on the Shrink Yourself journey.

Andy95 said...

singlesobermom - FWIW, it looks like you should stop beating yourself up. Everyone will have setbacks. You have successfully gotten sober, and struggled through a breakup and now raising kids on your own while working. Those are all very difficult challenges and now you joined shrinkyourself so you're on a path to control your eating. So you should be proud of overcoming those obstacles. I too binge to comfort my job social stresses but on the weekend can relax and see a bigger perspective. I have a really hard time pausing and calming my cravings down. I guess it's about realizing our strengths and weaknesses and finding techniques to avoid where we know we will be weak. I have realized that at work or a social setting that I "survey" the available food before I am hungry or stressed. I know which offices have which treats or snacks so when I'm in a food panic I know where to go. I know it's nuts. I need to catch myself surveying food and instead remind myself of what I should be thankful for and other techniques to settle myself down.

singlesobermommy said...

food,ahhhh. i just saw this on my email this a.m. and it was so perfect for me, b/c I am struggling with this so bad, for about seven years now. I got sober and immediately, my compulsion switched to food. I had always been a fairly slim person and in last five years have put on about 50 lbs. I have night eating syndrome. you can view it on google. I do not sleep eat, and I do not binge during the day. I guess they call it a sleep disorder. all I know, is that it makes me fat. I totally get the food switch. I had a terrible day at this new job I have. I had to take a really low paying, really kind of simple job, and kind of beating myself up. I've never been a career person, but had a pretty bad divorce, got the kids, which makes me so happy and grateful, but also, can relate so much to the person who stresses over money. I stress over money at least half of any given day. two days ago, my day was so bad, just crying and fight with boss, and stress over money. the answer is always to go to the drug store and get some chocolate or the grocery and get some cupcakes, etc.. I mean that is truly always the answer. Why?? I am 46 years old. I want so badly to lose weight. I am not huge, very tall and about 210. no one stares. but I feel so uncomfortable and that I have lost being that vibrant beautiful person that used to turn heads everywhere. today was the first day, really in years that I woke, feeling so utterly defeated, like, why am I alone, I do not deserve this, I am such a good person, this is so hard, i do not know how much more of this I can take. Not at all like I am suicidal. Never, but just meaning.........it is so hard, and I am so tired of it. anyway, had to write something, b.c it was so good for me to hear. thanks for all of your comments.

Amy said...

I have a lot of success in the last year or so with my weight. I have lost over 110 lbs but now that I have had this success and find my body under all that fat again I find myself eating anything I can put in my mouth. I don't really know why but I think this fear of success has a lot to do with what made fat and kept me fat in the first place

Andy95 said...

Little Pineapple - I too have found myself bingeing after being successful. Dr. Gould says that's because we don't truly want to be thinner and our weight protects us. I also think that I've become pretty hard wired that food is my comfort of choice. So I end up celebrating my success by rewarding myself with food. I know it makes know sense. In my case, I need to find rewards other than food.

Andy95 said...

Julia - I'm a father of 4 and have managed people for 12 years. In my experience, when someone complains about being micro-managed it usually means they are not managing themselves. Usually no boss or parent or teacher has the time or inclination to micro-manage anyone. Perhaps your hunger switch is triggered because you are disappointed in your own organization. I'm just trying to be helpful and not critical.

Andy95 said...

I have multiple triggers that turn on the eating switch. Usually it's feeling inadequate in my job. I remember when I took on this promotion thinking the position was someone to blame when the program became a train-wreck. I thought I could make a difference and now that the train-wreck is happening, I have to remind myself that I have made a difference but it doesn't feel that way in the daily battles. I also have switches at parties when I feel too awkward or insecure and just comfort myself with food.

julia nixon said...

My hunger switch gets triggered when someone is trying to micro-manage me. I get so rebellious,and the reason is I really KNOW a lot about what I'm doing. It frustrates me when others assume I don't or they need to lead me or tell me what to do. Especially if I don't feel they know enough to tell me anything. I have now reached a point of not letting that individual into my life nor letting those strangers have so much power over me. To rebel is so deeply embedded in my DNA I have to really work very hard to quell it and to keep my overeating in check. One last thing once I found out I was sensitive to Flour and Sugar my cravings stopped. I have not done flour and sugar for over 2 years. You'd be surprised just how that turned off that hunger switch.

Carolyn Kay said...

One thing I learned when recovering from clinical depression is that my brain lies to me. I've been training myself to recognize the lies and dismiss them. Carolyn Kay

paola said...

i just discovered that my hunger switch i have days reading about shrink yourself is lonelyness and relationships, when i am alone without dating i feel in control, kind off, when i meet someone i start to get involve and then all kind of bad feelings shows, insecure, vulnerable, unconfortable, obbsesse, jelaous, and then my stablity dissapeare. I am completlely powerless. It is a gradual thing, i start a relationship managing it but after a while a lose control and i get too much involve in a way that is unhealthy and instead of enjoying it a suffer, so a have so many bad feelings that i find myself eating cause of any negative feeling that i experience with that guy. i start to think that it is better to be alone, but there starts a conflict cause i dont want to feel lonely, or alone without knowing that i have some man that really loves. Anyway i am just starting with this new revelation of emotional eating and i think i just open a pandora box.

LinnyC said...

One thing I tell myself is I don't matter. Underneath is a belief that I'm unworthy and defective. In my better moments I've learned that is not true. I find myself here tonight because I know it isn't true and to write and read what others have to say reminds of that .

proud2bme said...

My hunger switch gets turned on when I need something that I can not afford to buy or fix. I dread that I will never get ahead and will lose my house, car and everything else. I dread that utilities will be turned off or we won't have enough money to buy food. I worry and worry about these worst case scenarios every time a money issue comes up, or even when just paying weekly bills. At the root of it all is fear of not having security, of being vulnerable and failing to provide security for myself and my family. So I will eat and eat, and sometimes I have literally eaten so much to the point where I will wake up in the middle of the night nearly vomiting. When I was growing up, my Dad never let on if we had money issues. We never had the lights turned off, or went hungry. So I guess I equated this with security, with love. After my Mom died when I was 7, knowing that I had a home and the material things that I needed was comforting to me. My Dad never told me he loved me, so I equated his providing all the materials necessary for life with love. If I lose these things- home, etc. I guess deep down I am making a catastrophe prediction that I have failed to provide love and security for my kids and I will be damaging them and myself in some way.This feeling became stronger once I had kids.

Little Pineapple said...

My hunger switch goes into frantic mode when I experience successes. I was just writing a post on the forum that, now that I am experiencing success with the program, the binges are becoming worse and worse like never before. The relating catastrophe prediction is that it's too hard to change, that this is all I have ever known, that I need pain because I am pain, that happy thin people are slags and arrogant superficial people. Yes I know this is all not true and this message does not resonate my true being. I am just so so sick of the battle!!! Is it crazy to think that I want to be free from myself?

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