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SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2010

Blinded by the Obsession with Food

Every time I see a new patient come into my office with a food obsession, I am reminded of how durable the obsession is, and how difficult it is for the person to see what is really going on. From a therapist's perspective, what I am about to describe may sound obvious. However, the person who is struggling with the food obsession is practically blind, when it comes to seeing the source of the obsession.

A woman in her 50's came to see me after reading my book. She is an educated and intelligent woman who has a small profitable business and is happily married, with an adult son and four grand children. However, she was feeling totally desperate.

"I've been losing the same 15 pounds on and off for the last 40 years! I've tried every diet and nothing works. But I'm not ready to give up."

She went on to describe in a very tearful and painful way, her life history with a father who tyrannized her and a mother who couldn't protect her. Her siblings gave in to the father but she remained the rebel of the family. She was constantly getting herself into trouble but never giving up or giving in to her father, who was occasionally kind to her but more often brutally angry with her. This is a familiar story to me, since many of my patients who have an obsession with food also have a difficult family history that continues to cause them a great deal of emotional pain.
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When I asked about her eating patterns, she told me she mostly binges either at night or on the way home from work when she starts thinking about her day. During the day she is too busy and active but when she has time to think, she begins to feel too much emotional pain. So on the way home she will stop at a fast food place for a fix.

"I keep on sabotaging myself, punishing myself and feel terrible about it, but I can't stop it."

Right there we have the blind repetitious pattern. The events of her childhood are long past but the memory is alive deep down inside and causes emotional pain. To ease the pain she rebels against herself in the same way she rebelled against her father. She punishes herself by being overly harsh and critic of herself, as he would have punished her in the past.

She is stuck in a cycle of an old family drama which gets repeated over again every day of her life. The drama is played out with food as the leading character. When I pointed this out to her, her eyes opened widely and she said innocently "I never thought about that."

She was so focused on the food and the 15 pounds that she never thought about the origin of the pain that was dominating her life. Since she couldn't put it into a current perspective, she couldn't find the pathway out of her stuckedness.

"I now remember that every single day of my life I was told that I deserve to be punished. It was not only my father but my aunt and sometimes my mother. I continued to rebel and get in trouble at school and that only exacerbated their telling me I needed to be punished, which made me rebel even more."

At the core of her obsession are two deeply embedded competing beliefs. One is her belief that she deserved punishment for being a defiant child in response to her tyrannical father. The other strong belief is that she was the brave one in the family who had pride and would never give in to the father. But at age 55 she had not yet decided which of these beliefs was correct so she blindly repeats the cycle by taking care of herself as a good person and then punishing herself as a bad person. It is all played out on those 15 pounds that go up and down, representing these two beliefs, both of which are obscured by her preoccupation with food.

It's important to remember that the food obsession is part of the life cycle journey to maturation. There is always a historical story going on in the person's mind that has not yet been resolved. People hold onto their obsession with food and are resistance to insight because on some level they believe that their problem cannot be resolved, and that they are better off not knowing about what is going on in their mind.

This patient did not want to end up believing that she was truly a bad person who deserved to be punished, which was the belief that dominated her earlier life. However, if she isn't that bad person who deserves to be punished, then who is she now? She can acknowledge and honor her adult self as she continues to make the distinction between the dynamics of the past and her current life situation.

That's how curing an obsession with food will open up your life. The food obsession occupies your mind space to protect you from your worst fears about yourself and at the same time prevents you from overcoming those old irrational self doubts. Finding your cure to your food obsession is more important to your growth than just being able to control your weight.

What part of your past do you need to put into a new perspective?

POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 1:14:37 AM

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15 COMMENTS

kaz said...

im 31 and have struggled with binge eating since i was 15. it started in high school - the pressure to fit in and do well at school - which was led by my mothers expectations of me - she always wanted me to be better then everyone else..rather than to be the best i could be..i never had a say in anything..i was forced to do ballet for years and years when i hated it..forced to have a short hair cut with fringe when all i wanted was long hair. she chose my clothes and my friends. believe it or not, she still buys my clothes - i am almost 32. i dont know how to think for myself or put myself first. she is still in the picture but its a much deeper problem than my r'shp with my mother. i constantly try to please everyone and honsetly dont know what i want in life. i am used to having other people decide for me. now im an adult and can actually make my own decisions...i find that i cant..i binge mostly at work when i cant speak up for myself or feel out of depth. i find i get taken advantage of alot as i have a quiet amiable personality. people just dump work and issues on me. i want to be selfish and cut people off that cause me grief but i jsut cant. im in a relationship that is suffocating me at the moment and find that my bingeing is the worst its been in so long. i think its impossible to speak up for myself. im scared if i do i will be wrong..i guess i scared of failure..always scared of what people think..and worst of all of failing my own expections of myself..

Andy95 said...

I don't see that my past affects my eating today but perhaps it is lurking there in the background. My father always yelled at us to finish our plates, that it was sinful to waste the food. I still have trouble with that one today. My mother clearly used food for comfort. There was always dessert. She always nagged at us to finish the food she made. Perhaps it was confirmation that we liked it or her way of showing love. Perhaps she was self-conscious about her ability to cook as it was so important to my dad. I was also small and skinny growing up and never considered athletic or strong. I've noticed when I start to get within 20 lbs of my target weight I start to feel physically weaker. I was always shy and my sister assertive and friends with everyone. I've used food as comfort for too long.

Bonita said...

What part of my past do I need to put into a new perspective? I just started Week One. I’ve been looking all over the program for easy questions, but I can’t find any. // There was always so much shouting at our dinner table when I was a kid. My mother took a lot of time cooking beautiful meals – German cooking, rich food, always much more than we could eat. She was a good cook, but my Dad used suppertime as a fault-finding mission. First he started with the cauliflower and then moved on to the kids. Food and criticism in our house went together like hot dogs in buns. Mom always said her good food was wasted because it went down our throats in lumps. You can’t even call what we did eating. It was more like stuffing ourselves to the point of oblivion. Who tastes anything when there’s a gun pointed at your head? And why would you even need to know when your stomach was full? That wasn’t the point of eating. The point of eating in my house was to avoid what was going on around me, and once you got past the third pork chop, it worked! // I always found it amazing when I went over to a friend’s home for supper and the mother dished up one plate of food for each person and put it in front of us. Why aren’t people asking for seconds here? Was this family being punished? And why are these people laughing at the dinner table? Isn’t that dangerous? // Years later, when my three sons were growing up, the shouting was gone but it was assembly line cooking with mashed potatoes for 500. So it’s very hard for me to adjust to the fact that the purpose of eating isn’t to make myself feel like I’ve left the planet, nor are reasonable portions a cruel method of torture. As you might guess, I need a lot of practice learning how to read my stomach’s signals. I’m 64 years old. My stomach has been waiting a long time for this. /// I hope the next question is easier.

barbie said...

The part of the past I need to put in a new perspective is the victim, learned helplessness, mentality my parents taught me. My mother is constantly worrying and fretting and acts more like an anorexic with food whereas my father is completely complacent and overeating is his only reward in life. These behaviors are POISON. My goal is life is to reclaim sanity and intentional living. I turned my back completely on the messages I got from my parents.

Heike said...

This has touched me so much that I am close to tears.So much of what other people said,relates to me and I find my own story in bits and pieces in others.Thank you all for sharing these intimate things,they're all eye-openers.

MMR said...

I grew up with my mom's abusive boyfriend. He was constantly on back telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. Always calling my mom fat. He had absolutely no room to talk because, let me just say, he's not skinny. I spent my whole childhood angry at my mom for staying with him and I thought that I had done everything I could to get him out of the house and out of our lives. I think I was then left with the feeling that I have no control. I have no self control now when I eat. I binge almost everyday and have gained 40 lbs in a short time. Not only do I sabotage myself with food, I drink a lot. That's my way of rebelling against my mom. I guess I'm the "wild child" in the family. I'm the only one that doesn't have a 4.0 or exceeds in sports. I'm the party girl. Not exactly something to be proud of. Not proud of all this weight I've gained either.

Annie said...

i grew up as a child of a hoarder. my mother's ocd controlled my life: constantly keeping me indoors, calling me incessantly if i went to a friend's house until all my friend didn't want to be friends anymore, telling me that her house was a mess becuase of me, etc.... to this day, she brings up incidents of when i was 12 yrs old and didn't listen to her.... i'm now 38. the only thing that i was allowed to control was food. she never monitered my food intake and would reward me w/ food. so, here i am w/ food issues and a weight that goes up and down, trying my best not to give in, always on a diet, always feeling guilty for anything that goes in my mouth.... thanks mom.... but i'm working on it. i have a feeling that this won't go away until she dies, which is sad to say.

creative said...

What part of my past needs to be put in a new perspective? The part that threatened my safety.

Reinventing said...

I was the quite child. Happily sitting in the corner, being neglected. My sister was the noisy one--the squeaky wheel--SHE got the attention. My mother was depressed when I was born she admitted this to me a little while ago consequently I did not not get much 'love'from her as a baby. I guess I grew up using food for that nurturing. I am always afraid to rock the boat now, preferring to stuff my feelings down with food. I dont want any one to dissaprove of me, or be mad at me. Even if I was the one wronged, i will happily forgive that person when they turn the tables and somehow make ME feel like the one who did the wrong. I dont think I feel that lovable, or worthy. I let people make it 'all about them" I dont like talking about myself, so I take the back seat..but then, resent the fact that I am taking the back seat. I expect people to stand up for me, and say " stop taking the back seat!!!!" nobody ever does. My partner recognizes that I am like that, and acknowledged it should not be that way....but doesnt do much to change it--or makes a cursory effort that lasts about a day. But the real issue is not HIM, the real issue is ME...why do I think that thats all I deserve???

Janeen said...

I was the oldest of 4 girls, our mother had her own issues and resided in "The Valley of the Dolls" prescription pills. I was never intimate with my mother, I never felt unconditional love from her, she was distant. Mom chose to leave my father and us girls when I was sixteen. I am now 55. Our father did his best but he too, was distant and distracted with all the responsibilities on his plate. After reading this story, I realize that I feel unloveable and undeserving of love. I am constantly trying to prove myself to others. It is exhausting. I binge to comfort myself when I'm tired, to reward my hardwork, or when I feel abandoned. I am posting to acknowlege my feelings. I need to explore these feelings further.

Anonymous said...

proud2bme u've opened my eyes to the fact that i don't like any1 to be praised, i like to be the center of attention, i like to be the best.. and i never admit that i was wrong even when i am i shift the blame to some1 else!! i am the smart one in my family, i always like to be the best, even at the gym i try to impress others by my fitness level.. i just need to admit that i can be wrong sometimes- manytimes and accept other people's success and not see it as my failure.. simple but deep thx for ur post

proud2bme said...

I was the "smart" one in my family. The one who made perfect grades, who got recognition for it and subsequently my Dad could be the proud bragging papa. I loved for my Dad to brag on me. Whenever he wanted to brag on one of his children, he would talk about me. So I was always striving to be perfect, to be recognized. There was no success and unless I was recognized and my Dad could brag about it. My Dad was not an affectionate man, and was moody. So it made my day to see him smile when I won and award that he could brag about. Second place was not good enough, it had to be first, whatever it was. If I didn't come in first, then according to him, I was robbed or cheated. So I grew up needing to be perfect in everything. Some things I would not even try because I didn't think I could be THE BEST at them. I am just now realizing that this has cost me friendships over the years no one really wants to be around a perfectionist and has caused animosity with my siblings and co-workers. I have trouble recognizing the accomplishments of others at work, and take it personally if someone else is recognized rather than me. I feel robbed or cheated. Since I started SY, I am finally beginning to accept that I am not perfect. It is like a weight is being lifted off of my shoulders. When I make a mistake now at work, I fix it and let it go, rather than eat myself into a frienzy and spend the day beating myself up. When I make mistakes with my family, I apologize, rather than just pretend that I didn't mess up. I am beginning to realize that most people are a lot more accepting of mistakes and failures than I realized. When someone else is recognized, I work on congratulating them, rather than see their success as my failure. I am now recognizing that I don't need "Daddy's approval" to be a success.

ML said...

I identify with LK above--I was the "good girl," too, although I didn't receive a great deal of praise and attention for it. I was one of several children with a father prone to rages/mood swings and a mother who was often depressed and overwhelmed. I was the middle child, often overlooked, who tried to accommodate/placate my demanding father and siblings. Some of my warmest memories are of sneaking away with my mother to the store for ice cream and other treats. Like LK, I have a hard time identifying my needs and wants because I always considered everyone else first. Perhaps obsessive eating for me is my "inner rebel" screaming to be heard and nurtured. I lose/gain large amounts of weight. I am so ready to make peace with myself and stop sabotaging myself.

LK said...

As a child, I was always the "good girl" and I was always praised for it. My sister was the wild child who exhausted my parents and I was the easy one. As an adult it is very hard for me to do anything that causes disruption to anyone. I am easy-going and flexible to a fault. Most of the time I don't even know what I want because I've never learned to consider that important. I am just now learning to identify my true wants and needs and be able to stand up for them. I really hope it helps me with my excessive appetite.

Joyce Taylor said...

When I was young I was always consoled by being bribed with food, so similar to the lady in the above story, I too tend to stock up on goodies to take home after work and eat my way through them, feeling bloated, uncomfortable and guilty afterwards.

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