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FRIDAY, JUNE 25, 2010

Using Food to Disappear

I would like to continue the exploration of how the events from our past have set us up for the current food obsession. And how important it is to "open these doors" and walk through them with a new perspective. The following comment from last week, by Bonita, vividly captures the essence of the problem, which is using food to "disappear."

“There was always so much shouting at our dinner table when I was a kid. My mother took a lot of time cooking beautiful meals - German cooking, rich food, always much more than we could eat. She was a good cook, but my Dad used suppertime as a fault-finding mission. First he started with the cauliflower and then moved on to the kids. Food and criticism in our house went together like hot dogs in buns. Mom always said her good food was wasted because it went down our throats in lumps. You can’t even call what we did eating. It was more like stuffing ourselves to the point of oblivion. Who tastes anything when there’s a gun pointed at your head? And why would you even need to know when your stomach was full? That wasn’t the point of eating. The point of eating in my house was to avoid what was going on around me, and once you got past the third pork chop, it worked!“

There it is, as real and clear as it can be. How one learns to override the biological signs of fullness in order to go beyond them to achieve a state of oblivion. How else could one disappear from a repugnant and dangerous reality at a family dinner table.
[more]
In my book, and in the Shrink Yourself program, we call the state of oblivion, The Food Trance. And when you are having intense cravings to stuff yourself, you are actually having what we call Phantom Hunger, rather than biological hunger. The unconscious goal is to "disappear" from the painful reality of the situation that reminds us of the past. The memory is replayed in the mind as if it is still the truth. Our past experiences are tied to the current reality by our outdated but still active beliefs about what food means to us.

As a grown woman, Bonita still believes that she is as POWERLESS as she was at the family dinner table. Food was, and still is, her protection against the danger of her father’s whithering criticism, which was an assault on her self worth. Continuing to use food in this way gives her a false sense of safety against a danger that no longer exists.

“ I always found it amazing when I went over to a friend’s home for supper and the mother dished up one plate of food for each person and put it in front of us. Why aren’t people asking for seconds here? Was this family being punished? And why are these people laughing at the dinner table? Isn’t that dangerous? So it’s very hard for me to adjust to the fact that the purpose of eating isn’t to make myself feel like I’ve left the planet, nor are reasonable portions a cruel method of torture. As you might guess, I need a lot of practice learning how to read my stomach’s signals. I’m 64 years old. My stomach has been waiting a long time for this.“

There are many familiar pathways to the food obsession that start in childhood. Notice how the family dynamics of the past, in the nine insightful statements below, have shaped the current perspective on reality.

When I was young I was always consoled by being bribed with food. I too tend to stock up on goodies to take home after work and eat my way through them, feeling bloated, uncomfortable and guilty afterwards.

I was always the "good girl" and I was always praised for it. My sister was the wild child who exhausted my parents and I was the easy one. As an adult it is very hard for me to do anything that causes disruption to anyone. I am easy-going and flexible to a fault. Most of the time I don't even know what I want .

I was the "good girl," too, although I didn't receive a great deal of praise and attention for it. I was one of several children with a father prone to rages/mood swings and a mother who was often depressed and overwhelmed. I was the middle child, often overlooked, who tried to accommodate/placate my demanding father and siblings. Some of my warmest memories are of sneaking away with my mother to the store for ice cream and other treats. I have a hard time identifying my needs and wants because I always considered everyone else first. Perhaps obsessive eating for me is my "inner rebel" screaming to be heard and nurtured. I am so ready to make peace with myself and stop sabotaging myself.

I was the "smart" one in my family. The one who made perfect grades, who got recognition for it and subsequently my Dad could be the proud bragging papa. I loved for my Dad to brag on me. Whenever he wanted to brag on one of his children, he would talk about me. So I was always striving to be perfect, to be recognized.

I don't like any one to be praised, i like to be the center of attention, i like to be the best.. and i never admit that i was wrong even when i am, i shift the blame to some1 else!! i am the smart one in my family, i always like to be the best

I was never intimate with my mother, I never felt unconditional love from her, she was distant. Mom chose to leave my father and us girls when I was sixteen. I am now 55. Our father did his best but he too, was distant and distracted with all the responsibilities on his plate. I realize that I feel unlovable and undeserving of love. I am constantly trying to prove myself to others.

I think I was then left with the feeling that I have no control. I have no self control now when I eat. I binge almost everyday and have gained 40 lbs in a short time. Not only do I sabotage myself with food, I drink a lot. That's my way of rebelling against my mom. I guess I'm the "wild child" in the family. I'm the only one that doesn't have a 4.0 or exceeds in sports.

The part of the past I need to put in a new perspective is the victim, learned helplessness, mentality my parents taught me. My mother is constantly worrying and fretting and acts more like an anorexic with food whereas my father is completely complacent and overeating is his only reward in life.

I grew up as a child of a hoarder. my mother's OCD controlled my life: constantly keeping me indoors, calling me incessantly if i went to a friend's house until all my friend didn't want to be friends anymore, telling me that her house was a mess because of me, etc.... the only thing that i was allowed to control was food. she never monitored my food intake and would reward me w/ food. so, here i am w/ food issues.

These comments highlight some of the deeper patterns that help us understand "WHY" we have issues with food. It's important to recognize these experiences in order to recover from them, which is what we help you do inside the Shrink Yourself program.

For now, let's identify what is triggering your food obsession today!

What is happening in your life that you wish would go away?

POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 5:12:35 PM

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16 COMMENTS

Claudette said...

Blessings to you all . Your comments about food are all through my life. I am taking charge of my eating one minute at a time. I can do this. I used fags to keep myself thin with out them I gained 3 dress sizes. Cross addiction is so easy to say but when one recognises this then the real work begins. And now I'm up for the real work. Thankyou Ladies thank you

KK said...

Bonita, good for you! I just wanted to say I relate to many of the feelings in your post and thank you for sharing.

Bonita said...

I’ll tell you what I want to go away. I want someone to bomb all those freaking magazine racks at the grocery store checkouts. It’s impossible to ignore the titles of those articles – Transform Your Big Hips into Big Breasts in 30 Days! Be Your Best Chubby Self! Journal with your Inner Fat Kid and Lose 10lbs! The magazines seem to be on a mission to reinforce the message that I’m overweight, underachieving, and hopelessly flawed. If bombing the magazine racks isn’t realistic, then my second choice of what I really want to disappear would be my own obsessive thoughts and judgments about my weight and appearance. My brain has been holding me hostage to thoughts that I am unacceptable since I was ten years old. In fact, I can remember the exact moment when I understood the meaning of being fat. It happened in my grandmother’s farm kitchen on a hot and humid summer day. I was sitting at the kitchen table helping Granny push cucumbers into jars to make pickles. I was wearing shorts, but I was sweaty and uncomfortable, and when I tried to move my legs apart so that some air could get between them, I couldn’t get my thighs far enough apart to leave any space. I looked down and saw the tops of my thighs squished together and I experienced a misery I can’t begin to describe. This was the beginning of a lifetime of thoughts about hating my own body. It was the beginning of WANTING something I didn’t have. I WANTED to look a certain way, and if I could look that certain way, then I could HAVE what I wanted. My mind constantly spun a tale that I would never be able to enjoy one moment of my life until I was thin. For fifty-four years, I’ve been snagged in a downward facing dog of a spiral that never faces the sun. Considering how long I’ve been stuck in this pattern, it would be easy for me to lose hope about change. However, I also struggled for forty years with an addiction to alcohol and I know that change is possible. I struggled for years wondering if I had a drinking problem. Everyone told me I didn’t because compared to the stories of others, my life was not a train wreck. Finally a friend said, If you’re worrying and wondering whether you have a problem, then it would seem that you have a problem. I used wine the same way I use food – emotional escape. Over time, my two or three glasses of wine a day – everyday - had the cumulative effect of making me feel increasingly depressed, negative and ashamed. The depression made me eat more which made me drink more…eat more… drink more…. With support, I stopped drinking eighteen months ago. The fuzzy-headed oblivion has disappeared, leaving me with a deeper sense of self respect and the courage to face a challenge even more difficult than alcohol – changing my thoughts and beliefs about eating. Since I can’t abstain from food altogether, I now have to discover a way to overcome the debilitating belief that I am incapable of handling the ups and downs of life without the mood-altering interference of overeating. I’m sick and tired of my mind telling me that my body is loathsome and blubbery and out-of-control because none of it is true. My goal is to chase away all those harsh judgments and limiting messages and replace them with beautiful and expansive thoughts that are rich in appreciation and loving, and full of awareness of every moment. Please don’t confuse me with Mother Teresa. Before I die, I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and really love what I see, and that would include loving a set of chubby thighs still sticking together. I really believe that once I can teach my mind to love what it sees in the mirror, my body will become a reflection of my thoughts.

Debbie C said...

Robyn - your story is my story almost entirely! I have recently found this wonderful site and while grateful that I have done so, only wish this knowledge had been available to me 40 years ago. At 61, I am surprised and comforted to some extent that there are so many older women participating. How sad that we have lost so much of our lives to this obsession. Let us teach our daughters and granddaughters to know better.

Barbie M said...

What's happening in my life that I wish would go away? How about reality? How about the need to put so many hours a week into a job that provides great benefits but no satisfaction while I resentfully think of all the other things I could be doing at home. I wish my lack of decisiveness would go away ... the lingering, energy draining, nonproductive cycles of looking at something I want to do something about, being ambivalent about what I want to do, walking away, then coming back and starting the cycle all over again. Food dulls the feeling of regretful purposelessness.

jstango said...

Something Andy said reminds me of what I wish would go away in my life - my fear of intimacy in my marriage. I love my husband very much but am very scared of feeling vulnerable. What if I allow myself that intimacy and then I'm wrong again? What if I get blindsided like I did in my first marriage? I hold myself back in this relationship but do I even want that to change? Am I willing to risk?

Andy95 said...

I've noticed now that I can trigger an emotional hunger by simply thinking about a hard problem at work or the list of tasks I need to get done at home. These are areas I wish would go away. I can keep the hunger at bay by reminding myself I can get it done, that I need to allocate my time as best I can and not beat myself up for any imperfections. Sometimes, I'll wish I had more intimacy in my marriage. Cold rebuffs have triggered EEEs in the past. I need to remind myself that marital intimacy takes some work but why so much?. I wish my kids would be more organized and respectful at home. And that I can encourage better behavior without getting mad. So much to work on!

mbt54 said...

Realizing that disappearing is what I felt like I needed to do in order for everyone around me to be okay. I sensed my mother's passive-aggressiveness and feelings of overwhelm with many children. My parents arguments and the demands of life were very disturbing to me and, being a child, internalized these conflicts as somehow due to me. If there was any way I could reduce them, I would. So I tended to be the nice, shy kid who did everything to avoid rocking the boat. So personal power is something I relinquished in order to keep the family afloat. I stuffed myself and indulged in junk because if I asserted myself, certainly it would be the tipping point and the parents would divorce and everyone would destroy each other in arguments. My family was my security and it seemed often to be on the edge of destruction. I rebelled with food. I asserted myself with food. Today I choose to be in charge of my choices and I can have a voice by asserting myself in real life.

creative said...

Heh. 20 years ago I went through a dreadful nightmare of a marriage and divorce, which was the beginning of this relationship with food. I am in fact happily married now, but the relationship with food stayed. Now that I have stopped the behaviour sustaining the relationship with food I see that - wiat a minute - it's safe now. It's ok. I don't need to do this anymore. It's like running and running and running away from danger and not turning around to see that you've run far enough away. The danger is gone. Turn around and look.

Robyn said...

I relate to so much of this also- I started binge eating at 11-12 yrs and now at 61 I am still at battle with the urges- I have lost 24 lbs and have 40 more to go- and it is tough- my eating is shadows all my emotional issues- critical father, lacked a substantial relationship with both parents- and never feeling like I was good enough- I still have to do affirmations frequently to remind myself I have done well and the best I could in my life with my two daughters- I am divorced- and friends with my ex. I know my daughters wish I could gain control of my weight- thankfully they manage their food and have maintained healthy if not tend to be underweight. They tend to be aware of the fact that I don't like my body or self image- and feel I can't be loved. I maintain my appearance, and talk about wanting to be in love or have a companion- but really know- I am still at a weight which makes me less attractive. At least I feel this way and probably sendo out the vibe- so I eat more candy and ice-cream privately at night like I have done ALL my life. It sounds so pitiful- I rarely have been able to manage this- athough I have lost weight several times in my life. Usually knowing I wanted to look sexually attractive to someone I liked. Otherwise- it is a force to be reckoned with. I am in therapy and addressing all of these issues to make a goal to have them under control by age 65- I really want to be done with this- before I am really old- and really sad it haunts my life- and I take this pain to the grave.. Getting control of one's life I think can be done at any age. Thank you for reading all of this. It is a great program and insights are amazing- as for me it is about the emotional aspect of eating.

Julie said...

I can sooooooo relate to Bonita's dinnertime fiasco. My mother had remarried and my stepfather would stand over us belittling us kids. Which of course beforehand he had been to the golf course and was pretty well drunk. So after reading some of these comments it all comes back to me about food and comfort.

proud2bme said...

I have always been highly successful in my career. About five years ago, my daughter became gravely ill. I still worked outside the home, but I put all ambition to go further in my career aside so that I could focus on her. Now that she is mostly healthy again, I find myself needing more challenge with my career. However, I feel that I have lost my edge somehow and am afraid that if I start to focus on my career again, something will happen with my daughter and I won't be available because of the demands of a new job. So I am feeling stuck. I feel that I am being selfish by wanting more out of my career and focusing on my career would mean that I am neglecting my husband and kids.

knit1bake1 said...

Barbara, I have the same problems. My husband can have chocolate in the house and not "go at it" but I cannot. I will eat it til it is gone. Luckily he has been understanding and we no longer have chocolate in the house.

LK said...

Bad Mom Syndrome! I worry about my 10-year old son who spends too much time watching TV and eating. I sometimes feel like I've done something to screw him up.

Barbara said...

I have partially come to terms with my emotional eating, but in the process am realizing that my 22 year old son has many of the same problems that I have had all my life. He isn't ready to deal with them, or any of the other health and emotional problems he has, but I am trying to be a better mother and I am definitely cooking better for him now. Keeping the junk food out of the house is a major step and one of the most difficult because his Dad doesn't understand why 'we' can't ration it like he does. He can make a bag of Reece's Cups last a week, my son and I would eat the whole bag in a day - each. I don't buy them anymore. If my husband buys them for himself, I have asked him to hide them. He will do it, but he makes snarky remarks about having to do so. He really just doesn't 'get it.' I really feel like I don't get much support, either for myself, or for my efforts in helping my son.

SkinnyD said...

Last night I ate a healthy dinner early - I am trying not to eat late as this brings on EE. When I got home from work after I already ate dinner I started watching a movie. I had an itch for something to eat. I allowed myself a handful of nuts but I think it made the situation worse. I ended up having a mild EE after and felt super guilty about it. I knew at the time I was out-of-control but I didn't care. I know I ate because I was emotionally uncomfortable and I wanted to feel full. At that moment I didn't care but afterward I did care - I cared a lot. I am trying not to feel gulity about it -because what is done is done but instead remember how I felt afterwards and use this to prevent further EE. I think I was feeling lonley and that brought on the EE. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and eating to feel better. I know I need to change to a more positive outlook on life to stop my EE.

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