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FRIDAY, JULY 23, 2010

Reinventing Yourself: Part 2

Emotional eating is a way of interrupting the natural conversation that is taking place within you, between your mind and your brain. Your brain continuously sends you messages in the form of feelings and thoughts and makes a demand on your mind to think in order to sort them out and figure out how to respond. This is the way that people grow, change, mature and recover from their childhood experiences as they go through the phases and stages of adult life.

If you put the “mute” button on by overeating or binging, you shut off the flow of wisdom and intelligence of your own brain, and the maturation process comes to a halt. The normal process of reinventing yourself in little daily steps doesn’t happen, but the need to reinvent yourself doesn’t go away. You are aware that you have to change in some way, but you don’t do it because you are too scared to try. Then you get behind in the personal development work you need to do.
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Human nature is such that when we know we have to make some changes in ourselves and we don’t do it, we feel guilty and our self confidence is drained. That’s when we feel powerless, and that’s when the powerlessness is turned into cravings that are so intense we think there is another person inside of us making us eat too much. Getting back into the flow of the normal maturation process (reinventing yourself) is the “cure.” Because when that happens, the food addiction is broken and the cravings go away. Then you are free to stay in touch with yourself on an ongoing basis.

The concept is simple. Think instead of eat! Listen to yourself rather than run away from yourself and think about what your brain is telling you. One of the comments last week strikes this note well. “Maybe it's not so much reinventing ourselves as healing and fully identifying with the peace and power that has always been our true Self.” I agree, that is where you want to end up, but in order to get there you have to drill down to the particulars of your life, and put your intentions into action. You need a method to practice the principles.

You have to change your attitude first, as another comment so well illustrates. “I want to reinvent myself by feeling those feelings. No mute button for me - no automatic reaching for food to cope with emotional hunger. Wow, this is frightening.” But why is it so frightening to feel your own feelings? It is not frightening for other people who have made a point to stay in touch with their feelings. They see their feelings as desirable rather than formidable. But if you have been afraid of your own feelings for a while, your normal feelings are misinterpreted as dark and dangerous, ultimately leading to the one of the worst of all human conditions, which is shutting them off and then feeling powerless.

Remember, you are trying to teach yourself to recognize that you are not powerless, that you have choices and options, and that you can be creative about how you respond to your feelings. And when you actually make new choices, change some patterns and take some risks, you are rewarded immediately for your work and bravery, as the next two comment so well illustrate.

“I’m now someone who is in charge of her own life, the queen of her castle. I get to make the decisions now about what is right for me. It isn't easy but it feels great!” -- “Soon I am taking a kayaking class. I drum, play bells, and am in a hiking club. There was a time when I was afraid to walk alone in my backyard at night. No more.”

How YOU have to reinvent yourself is specific to you and to your life situation, and often means abandoning an old role that you adopted in your early life or in your marriage. When you look at the list that I extracted from the comments over the last two weeks, you’ll see that these are nothing more than the daily tasks of everyday life. Nothing too exotic or even very dramatic. Just real life challenges that require certain qualities and skills.

Here is the “Reinvention” list so far...

Even thought I am hesitant to do what I don’t want to do, due to lack of confidence and concern about making a wrong decision, I am going to organize my weekend chores and long term tasks.

Perhaps I need to re-invent myself in the role of their "parent". Come to think of it, they do act pretty childish lately. Can I be patient and get them to act rationally?

I want to dare to love as much as I actually love without the fear of potential loss causing me to hold back.

I want to dare to look foolish and be wrong so that I stop being so reserved that I miss out on things.

I desperately want to reinvent myself, I have before. It was always at the beginning of a new relationship, then I fell into my old beat-yourself-up ways.

I am just in the process of reinventing myself and am terrified of loneliness but need to embrace that if I am going to be the honest person that I intend to be.

I need to confront bullying persons at work.

I am going to be my own personal coach i.e., having the conversation without the interruption of food.

I will put myself in situations where I am visible and taking some leadership.

I need to love myself enough to make physical movement, prayer, sleep and creativity a priority.

I am not going to be afraid to take control of finances.

I will rely on my internal strength rather than some external object, like food.

I am putting myself in situations where I will be relied on and realize I've been reticent in the past.

I have been dreaming of confrontations with others. Something I've avoided like the plague in the past. Like my neighbor said of her angry husband; “it may be unpleasant, but it’s not the end of me if someone is upset.”

I will keep clear boundaries and not feel guilty if I'm mad.

I am going to act on my own behalf, using the anger to say "enough is enough" - so others will then know the authentic me.

How have you been afraid to change and what new behavior are you ready to try now?
Or
What insights have helped you see how you need to reinvent yourself?

POSTED BY !DR. GOULD! | 5:23:16 PM

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24 COMMENTS

Juda said...

I see myself as two people. One is full of joy and loves life. The other is always afraid. Afraid she will make a mistake, afraid she will be unloved, afraid she will be powerless all her life. From being told by my Dad at a very young age Judith what is the big bad world going to do to you till now I have hid that fear behind the fat. The paradox is that the fat is my fear made mainfest. I am slowly learning the feed the joyfull me and to feel my power. Here's to a joyful reinvention..a new me..the real one.

Melody said...

I found myself eating again tonight. I wasn't hungry, but I ate it anyway now u feel misseraBle, I will not let this feeling of powerlessness get in tge way tOmorrow.

melanie said...

I just binged. It was late and I was too tired, worried, and stressed. I gulped it all down for no good reason. Now I have to deal with the aftermath without hating myself. Pointless to hate myself. Like the old proverb says, sucess is falling 9 times and getting up 10. I can resolve to learn from this, resist "all or nothing" thinking, get some rest, take care of my real needs and do the next right thing.

Patina said...

Don't know much, but I know I'm fat. I wear my shame. I'm wrapped in it and trapped in it. My fat is a cushion to insulate me from the world. I want out of this fat body. This is probably the wrong approach--I'm focusing on the effect rather than the cause. The cause is overeating and the effect is the fat I wear. I don't want to be fat anymore, but if I'm honest, I do love to eat and eat and eat. How do I stop? What do I do?

arynix said...

I'm struck by a few words/phrases that I've read in these responses and from other days: 1 Oblivion. I stuff myself or eat what is not healthy because food is my drug of choice, and I'm seeking escape from reality- oblivion- because it's easier to be a failure than to face reality. 2 Illusion of security. Growing up in alcoholic home but where both parents were excellent cooks, the one thing I could always count on was good food, and as much as I wanted food became, at a very early age, my way to self-parent, and a lot of my "rebellion" was in eating sweets and other junk food when away from home. 3 Absorb others. The short time I worked as a manager, I actually told my employees to let me be their "sponge" I burned out in 6 months' time. I cannot handle my own feelings and situations adequately how on earth did I think I could handle others'? I've always been hyper-sensitive to others' moods, even if there is no outward criticism or communication toward me, and I'm absolutely certain that this sensitivity has greatly hindered my career and earning potential- not only in the aspect of functioning in a job or landing a better job, but also because of unconscious weight discrimination. I'm currently going through a time where my mother will not be with us much longer, and the emotional toll from that is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. I have occasionally used food help me deal with the extreme stress and sadness, but less and less often, and I also eat a little less sometimes than I normally would. GOOD FOR ME!!! Ironically, one of my primary battles now is to not skip meals- I'm now finding out that anorexia is just the flip-side of obesity- using lack of food to escape from reality, or at least from survivor's guilt.

Lena Craine said...

I'm codependent. I "absorb" too much of others and I have lost myself in the process. Recognizing it is an important step. I can't "mother" the world. I feel lost and confused. Boundaries--I need them for myself and others. I ordered your book to help me on the journey. Thanks

Anna said...

I've been reading this blog for a while now. Sometimes I am too afraid to read it. I guess that's what you would call avoidance. Why? I don't know. What am I afraid of? Good question. I don't know really, but it may just be failure. Because I've failed so many times before. Coincidentally, I've also succeeded many times. But I will tell you the truth. I'm fat--not the fattest I've ever been, but a long way from where I need to be. I've lost and gained weight so much, I've got enough hanging skin to cover 2-3 people. I'm thinking about having my hanging arm wings tattooed to look like butterfly wings. I decided to finally buy your book and get serious. Stop avoiding. Thanks for making your blog available for people like me who are comforted by reading it and will eventually, hopefully, be inspired to make positive changes when the time is right.

mbt54 said...

I am afraid that I will not have the stamina, that I will fail, if I tend to my whole self: mind, body and soul. I am also afraid of the voice of condemnation and self doubt. Perhaps I am afraid of NOT experiencing the familiar voice of condemnation and self doubt. This is unfamiliar territory. Its amazing how inclined we are to stay in what we perceive as safety even when it's anything but safe. I can trust God's graces for the courage and wisdom I need. This is where I am able to transcend these ingrained self defeating behaviors and thoughts. I have an advocate and guide.

Uni said...

I am afraid to look inside. I fear it will be like opening Pandora's box. I was an emotional teenager and my family said they had to walk on eggshells around me. I remember my father saying he felt sorry for anyone that would ever wind up with me. At the time I didn't care - I felt alive and creative and passionate. My husband was attracted to those qualities at first but I realized they were scary and foreign to him as well. So for the sake of my husband and our three kids and perhaps also to prove my dad wrong I buried my emotions and feelings as much as I could. I am 42 now, but for some reason still fear that if I let my feelings out I'll be back on that unpredictable teenage rollercoaster. But I won't ever know that for sure until I open the box...

Andy95 said...

It's easier to see the roadblocks and avoidances in others than myself. I tell my kids to jump on the hardest task the one you most want to avoid first. My fear is revealing what I don't know and how uncertain I can be. I don't know everything and never will. When I take on the challenges I avoid projects around the house, a will, etc. I will develop new knowledge, learn more about myself and learn new skills.

creative said...

I happen to be a generous, giving person, which on its own is a good thing. It is not, however, when I do not place expectations on others close to me so that my needs are met, demand that my rights be respected, or look to see if there is reciprocation in the relationship - more, expect it. This is new for me. I have to look now at where my own generosity and giving has allowed me to be a victim, or bullied.

Mimi said...

Last night I recalled how my husband who is also a co-worker criticized an important aspect of my work. It's ludicrous how I bought into his unfounded criticism. I heard 999 positive comments, saw the successful outcome, but still internalized his negative opinion. The truth is I am far more successful than he is but I've never been able to say that. I allowed him to control me and make me feel inadequate. I swallowed the anger before I even let myself feel it. Now that I choose to no longer anesthesize my feelings with food, some of those previously stuffed feelings are emerging. I am going to respect my feelings and let them help me make positve changes in my life. My feelings provide important feedback.

Mimi said...

I'm giving this a test drive. When I don't intercept my feelings with food, I'm surprised by what I'm learning. Throughout my life, I've felt my self-worth depended on others' assessment of me. I've allowed people to push me around rather than standing up for myself. As I reflected on relationships with others in my life, I see how I've allowed others to control me. I've given away my power. I have sought the approval of others at the expense of losing myself. It's time for change. It's time for me to get back in the driver's seat.

Jackie said...

I have been afraid to step out from where I am in case I can't get back. I have been afraid of losing myself. Afraid of losing the illusion of security. I think I am ready to take more risks, to say yes, when previously I would have said no. I think seeing others change and progress has highlighted how lonely and limited I am. I find it sad. Sad to waste an entire life being a slave to emotions. I think when I feel a sense of joy and accomplishment I know I am heading in the right direction. Anxiety and depression are signs that I am going further away from my dreams. If I stop and listen to myself, and trust in myself, I know that that is the best course for me at that time. Thank you for this article, it has helped me a lot. I could never understand why I couldn't lose weight or would sabotage myself once I reached my goal weight.

Claudia said...

Ive been unhappy with my life for some time now. i feel ive shaped it in order to please others. My week is spent working at our small family business, where I started working three years ago to please my husband, cooking for my family, my weekends driving our three teenage sons around while my husband plays soccer or spends time with his friends. Five years ago my husband's two teenage sons from a previous marriage came to live with us and while I love them very much and have a good relationship with them, no one ever asked me how i felt about them moving in with us. Then two years ago my 73 year old mother moved in with us. She is economically independent and rather healthy, but spends most of her time in her room in pajamas. I think she's deppressed and although I ignore her most of the time, I feel bad with myself afterwards, and also responsible. Plus the economical situation isn't good. I just feel tired and would like to crawl under my sheets and stay in the safety of my room.

kk said...

what have i been afraid to change? i have been afraid of standing up for myself. i've always taken care of others and put their needs and feelings first. i have an intrinsic feeling of unworthiness. although it's irrational, i believe that i have to prove my self-worth by taking care of others. maybe that's also a distraction for me. a distraction from feeling feelings--mostly of layers and layers of trauma and grief. what new behavior am i ready to try now? i am trying it. i am challenging myself to take care of myself first, to speak up for myself, to have self-control, to feel feelings--even those painful ones that have been buried and taken root.

katie said...

Me, too, Keri. I get discouraged when I compare myself now with my old self. But if I'm looking back, I'm not focusing on today. Why waste my energy looking back at something that has already passed? I will use my energy to focus on doing the next right thing today.

ml said...

Thanks, Some Girl in Love, for your honesty. Good for you that you tried to feel the feelings, go to the gym and write before the emotional eating episode. I, too, have coped with emotional pain by reaching for food. In the immediate aftermath, it felt soothing. In the long-term, however, I gained weight, exacerbated health problems, felt a loss of self-esteem, felt ashamed of my loss of control, became more socially isolated, and felt powerless, etc. Actually, I punished and imprisoned myself by burying my pain in the fat that resulted from emotional eating. While at the time eating feels so comforting, it is irrational to think that eating will solve the problems. I wonder, Some Girl, if what we really need when the pain feels so overwhelming is to feed ourselves comforting thoughts that will, in time, feel soothing and will actually be an expression of loving ourselves? Thanks again for sharing your struggle that is so similar to my own. Just talking about the times we succumb to emotional eating can be so healing. Take care.

Keri said...

I have felt very down because I think "I used to do this and I used to do that activity but I dont now so I felt useless. But if I look at life as a seies of re-inventing myself then it doesnt seem so bad. I just need to eneter a new phase of my life.try out something new.Remind myself that I dont have to be good at it,Just do it!

LK said...

I moved to a different state a few years ago and then got divorced shortly after that. I haven't made much effort to make friends here. I've just kind of closed myself in. But my daughter wants to have her birthday party at our house and invite her friends from school and ballet class. At first I said no because the idea of having them all here with their moms scared me. I am not the greatest hostess and I am not sure I can pull off a good birthday party and I am afraid of being judged by the other moms about my house. But I've changed my mind and I am going to do it. It means a lot to my daughter and thats what matters. I am sure it will be fine even if it's not perfect.

some girl in love said...

the feelings on a controlled healthy eating plan: I fell out with my fiancee of 5 years....i tried really hard to just feel the feelings of broken glass stabbing into my heart while i remembered everything i did for him. i went to the gym and half way through i went on the internet to write to him...a long email. I couldn't stand not hearing from him. then i went to the shops and ate a bunch of snacks such as fried chicken and syruped oats then pumpkin and lentil concoction... it really does reduce the pain by about 50. I mean it.

diane said...

this all does make sense. i think for me, i need to begin to "slow down" and really THINK before i binge. it's like i go into automatic to shut off whatever i'm feeling loneliness, anxiety, frustration, etc. i need to REALLY assess my hunger level usually after work and sit down...feel those feelings. i've found new ways of soothing myself like loud music true, hot shower, long walk, reading an inspiring book, spending time with my cat or others. i think it's about finding the time to ponder what's my next move... eat? or be productive and good to myself?

Terry said...

This all makes perfect sense to me. I had controll at one time,doing well. I seem to be so stuck,I can't seem to get started and keep going.

donna said...

I get afraid when others are unhappy with me because I don't follow their emotional agenda my neighbor who thinks I don't spend enough on my yard, et.c. I won't abort my own agenda just to make people happy any longer. I will be mistress of myself.

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The Shrink Yourself Blog, hosted by Michelle Fiordaliso, clinical director of Shrink Yourself, gives you expert info on emotional eating.

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