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TUESDAY, JULY 10, 2007

Fat: A Perfect Hiding Place

In the later weeks of our online program and in The Shrink Yourself book Dr. Gould covers the subconscious reasons that people secretly want to stay fat. Of course, you don't feel like you want to stay overweight (I didn't think I did either) but somewhere inside you the safety seeking part of you does. This makes losing weight tricky. It makes people put weight back on when they get close to reaching their goal weight. It makes people that have lost all the weight they want put it back on plus more. Losing weight can feel like taking away a security blanket but as one of our members once said, "once you begin to live a life you love, fat just feels like a useless blanket you're hiding beneath."

Here are a few reasons people keep weight on - see if any resonate with you:

*to avoid sexual attention (from a partner or strangers who seem predatory)
*to punish someone
*so that people's expectations of you are not too high
*to see if people really love you for who you are (to test love)

These are just a few, you can read more in the Safety, Rebellion and Emptiness chapters of the Shrink Yourself book.

POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 10:57:48 PM

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10 COMMENTS

Michelle said...

Jenn, What you are expressing is a common reason that people gain weight. We talk about it in Week 9 of the online program. It's using weight as a form of protection. Many people gain weight as an insurance policy against cheating on partners. Please forgive yourself and realize that you can be beautiful and loyal to someone. I'm glad you found us.

Jenn said...

I am a beautiful woman.. icheated on my husband many years ago. I am now fat and ugly to , i realize now, punish myself. I just founf this site and I hope it will help me out of this hell.

barlan said...

Im very short, so having some weight on, gives me more power in this world

cara said...

sorry, i forgot to write my name below...anonymous is cara.

Anonymous said...

we all poured our hearts out on this blog. feels pretty yukky to admit those hurtful things or weaknesses in ourselves but there's also a lot of freedom and power in doing so. i think for most of us, we have to KNOW that we DESERVE to look good and certainly feel good. it is crazy that we know working out and eating well will make us feel GREAT and yet, we do nothing to make that happen. i'm with ya!!! i haven't got on the tread mill, i haven't done a tape, nothing. i actually went and bought a pair of slacks tonight and cried in the department store freak that i am LOL because of the size i had to buy. AND, get this, they brought me in a pair of pants that i bought in January, only in January, they were a size smaller. how gross is that???? gosh i am disgusted with myself and how i got here. it just seems SO far away. so far! i told my childhood girlfriend tonight that i have to try and look at my weight as TODAY and just chisel away at it instead of comparing it to what used to be. and she keeps reminding me that we're not 20 years old anymore we're almost 40 now and it takes a lot of patience and doesn't come off as quickly. kathryn, STOP THE BAD TALK!! i've had to do that too. the more you down yourself internally or externally, it makes it a reality... The same girlfriend i just told you about used to tell the teachers in school that her stomach hurt so she can get out of class. she'll tell you that by the time she got down to the nurses office, it really did hurt! Our minds are so powerful. Did you read the book yet? Put Harriet to rest. Pam and Oaklandj, forgive them and forgive yourselves. as you read in my first blog, i had A TON of forgiving to do and that is the most freeing. we walk around with those scars while the others have no clue. anybody who said bad things about us is about them. their own insecurities, their own hang ups. it has NOTHING to do with us. we were just there. we are all adults now and we have choices to make. i'm trying to tell myself these things as well. i'm an adult now. who am i today? who do i want to be? who can i be? it's difficult to separate the child from the adult...especially because as children we look to find who we are by the parents/adults around us. children have no idea...they only know when they're being praised or punished. it's work---A LOT of work and not easy, that i know but getting to the other side of that hurt is the most amazing walk you'll ever take in your life. You just have to want to walk through it...

Oaklandj said...

Like Cara I'm a #2 #4. Punish my parents who have been telling me I need to lose weight since I was 8 when I was a STICK! I have pictures and it enrages me that they were weighing me back then, and testing the love of my partner now, who I can not believe really loves me at my current weight...even though we've been together for almost 4 years. I think #2 and #4 are very much related to each other.

Pam said...

I stay fat because it is easier to stay home and eat than to go out and deal with people. Being fat started for me when my husband both of us age 20 started the bullying game and I played the victim role. After divorcing, I abused sex and food in a self-punishing cycle. I have never remarried and am emotionally numb. Food keeps me from doing anything positive about my life. Finding this information may give me some backbone to change.

Kathryn said...

This article IS me! I believe I want to stay fat to punish someone . . . me. I lost a bunch of weight about 2 years ago and felt the most healthy and beautiful Ive ever felt in my entire life. I am still grappling with the reasons why and how but, somehow, I managed to put back on all the weight I lost, and then some. To the tune of over 40 pounds in under two years! Ive grown three clothing sizes, all the while, I keep trying diets and going to the gym. I do great until I lose a couple of pounds. As soon as that happens, I start eating more and exercising less. Its as if Im not allowed to lose weight. I feel horrible when I eat and I punish myself for it by berating myself and saying horrible things about myself. Its refreshing to know Im not alone in all of this. I so desperately want to understand how I can be so disgusted with the way I look and despise the feel of my own skin but yet run to the refridgerator at every possible moment? That just doesnt make any sense! I am eager to learn more.

Cara said...

Resonate with me? I am the epitomy of two out of the four listed above...the second and fourth. Ive been in therapy for about seven years for a verbally tourturous childhood. I was told all of my life by my sister that I was fat, ugly, smelled, zit faced...you name it! Apparently there is a connection to being told that and thus becoming that. Im not sure I believe that but who knows? And, when I was in my early 20s I was trying on clothes when I was a size a 7/8 and my mother told me I looked big. Another shopper was watching this and said to me, YOU ARE NOT BIG! The look on that womans face has stayed with me to this day. Now its up to me AS AN ADULT to decide who I am...not how anyone else sees me...especially my mother. see #2 above. Ive been dating my boyfriend for three years who was separated from his wife one year before I met him. He went to file divorce papers last month. For almost three years Ive obviously been testing his love me by gaining 30 pounds, unbeknownst to me... I also became an emotional eater after the sudden death of my father and two years later a wonderful friend that was part of my every day life. I needed help and was looking for a book about emotional eating and found this one. I just picked it up today and was able to read the first 33 pages. I dont feel so alone or isolated anymore or at least not so crazy. LOL I cant wait to do the work and get through this. Its time to take control of myself and be patient to lose the weight. I just cant believe that I got to this point but thats OK too. Im looking ahead. Again, its up to me and me alone to fix all of this!!

Jill said...

Wow, I never thought I wanted to be fat, but I realize I test my family and friends to see if they love me when I am fat, and I have realized that they do love me. So there goes that excuse! Honestly I think the reason I have kept the weight on is because I think it is too hard to change and I m not sure Im up to the challenge. My head knows that I can do it, but my heart still doubts that I personally can overcome a challenge. I have lived a fairly charmed life and have never run into major obstacles that I had to work through, so when this weight became an issue 10 years ago, I didnt know how to handle it, and still dont today. I am sincerely hoping that this program will help me reprogram my thinking so I will be able to take on a challenge and succeed!

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