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MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008

Being an Adult is the Best Kept Secret

Many of the roots of Emotional Eating lie in a fear to face our feelings, to take responsibility for our bodies, and to delay gratification. These are all examples of The Rebellious Self (which we discuss in Week 11 of the online program or The Rebellious Layer chapter in the book).

When we feel stuck in life it's often a symptom of the Rebellious Self. The Rebellious Self is the part of our minds that is selfish, spiteful, willful or defiant. In other words, childlike. For anyone who has a child, they understand that what seems like anger is often fear.

The way you take the hand of that frightened child inside of yourself and help him/her grow up is by acting "as if" you're an adult. Do the things that adults do and you'll become one.

They say that growing up is hard to do which is why most of us are willing to avoid it any cost. But when we begin to help ourselves grow up our lives improve. And as adults, we can make responsible choices about what we eat.

Being an adult gives us the chance to have a say about how our lives go and how our bodies look.

POSTED BY !MICHELLE! | 2:35:03 PM

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23 COMMENTS

Sam said...

I didn't get what I wanted today not even close. What was supossed to be a fun, easy day of sledding with my husband, turned into a 7 hour drive...Grr. Unpredictable traffic should have been 1.5 hours each way turned our adventure into a nightmare and we never ended up getting to our destination. My husband had a good attitude and tried to salvage part of the trip by sledding on the side of the road. But, the childish, prideful, angry, entitled part of me was seathing. I HATE driving and this day tested my patience and endurance. The only way I chose to deal with the unexpected is to eat through it...So I did. These life situations are supossed to be opportunities to grow character and mature oneself...I think I just stunted my maturity. I literally didn't feel like I could survive sitting in heinous traffic without eating throughout. The day ended I survived - Can't I see that I would have survived with or without the binging?? And I would've felt so much more clarity when I got home if I wasn't in a food/sugar blahness. Thanks for the insights Michelle keep 'em comin'.

Maria said...

I felt like I knew this very clearly before reading it. But something I never thought of until now that I have a three year-old and I must be the adult, is that I have to be prepared for what comes next literally. For example, if I don't bring milk and a healthy snack for my three year-old when I pick her up a school, she gets cranky and throws a fit, because she is hungry. Just by packing 1/2 a flax-seed muffin and a bit of juice mixed with water or a little cup of milk she is happy. SO why can't I do the same for myself--pack a handful of grapes, or 1/2 a muffin or an apple for later in the day, so I don't get super cranky or hungry for junk!! I guess I AM the adult and have to take care of myself, whether I like this responsibility all the time or not. And I do notice that a tiff with a my husband or mother over the littlest thing, ends up in me walking to the fridge or eating something in secret as if I'm getting revenge on them and actually I'm just hurting myself and end up with regret. I don't think I win by trying to hurt them by eating when they would probably interject "you don't need that", but since they are not around, I'm seemingly in control or tricking them or some outside person. I'm just actually letting myself down and not pulling a fast one on anybody, but myself, in a negative way. Maybe I could find something else to replace this with. Maybe I could replace it with a secret 5 minute walk or a secret 10 minute bike ride, that I feel like I'm being rebellious with instead!!! until I can let go of this silly rebellious part and stand up for what irks me in the moment with, let's say, responding calmly to an uneeded comment from a family member IN the MOMENT--rather than staying quiet in the moment and rebelling later in these "side" ways. Thanks for your piece of writing.

marjorie said...

Until I read this blog I had no idea that my overeating is the rebellious child in me. Wow. I would not let my child eat like I do for I would remove the temptations. So I must do that for me! I will now ask myself is this my adult responidng or my rebelious child acting up again. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

Betty said...

I looked at photos my kids took of me at Christmas yesterday and I just could not believe that I was that fat woman! I am 72 and have struggled with food and feeling fat all my life, but really, I never have looked FAT until a few years ago. It's emotional eating, for sure, and, I think, the food sometimes acts like a drug - to get me through this next hard thing. And, oh yes, I want to control things, but I don't seem to be able to control my eating. The idea of being an adult about my food is like a splash of cold water on my face. I have reason to be an adult -to protect my health - blood sugar is getting closer each year to my being a diabetic, and HDL cholesterol is going down - all of these test results were wonderful until a few years ago. Now I am 55 lbs. over my wedding weight. I am literally watching myself destroy my health with overeating and sedentary living. HELP!!!!!

Wendy said...

Reading these stories makes me want to cry!!! I never felt validated by my Mom and i still feel like the victim!!! I want to"protect the inner child" but what i am actually doing is destroying myself. This comfort food is like a cancer to me!!! My heart aches when i look at myself in the mirror!! I cant beleive that is actually me!! I would love to be in contact with people who feel like i do or who felt like i do and have mastered their pain and comfort eating....IF that is possible???!!! Thank you Wendy

elizabeth said...

Thanks to all of you for commenting on this site. I am still in denial somewhat about being a food addict and listening to your comments is making me feel more like it isn't the end of the world to have this addiction and that there is a way to surrender to growing up. Like Peter Pan, I just don't wanna do it. Yet, maybe some of that is because if I admit I am a grown up then I can't be a "victim" and will have to admit my own responsibility in some of the things that haven't worked out well in my life. It's owning my mistakes. To Rick- I have also dumped the booze, weed and butts and it seems to boil down to the same thing for me: it isn't the "stuff," it's me. I can get addicted to anything that feels like escape: novels, TV, showers, walks in the country. It is always me running from the present moment. I tell myself I'll grow up someday, but not today. Like the people who say, I'll quit after I smoke this pack. The idea of throwing the unfinished pack away is impossible. It still has value to them. And as long as the struggle has value to me in some way what's in it for me? then I won't be able to surrender. In my fight with alcohol I finally said, OK. I give up. I'll just quit. The struggle was exhausting. And I know it will be that way with food too. I will eventually, and with support, discover that the whole thing is just too much work. I give up. I will stop behaving like a child, and begin to learn how to be an adult. Someday. But not today.

rick correia said...

I feel so bad about myself. I love buffets, and I am very depressed. When I first got saved I lost 101 pounds, but I put 80 of it back on. I am a food addict. I am alone here on Christmas day. None of my clothes fit anymore, and I do not have a desire to lose weight today. I have movies and food and that's how I will be spending Christmas day. Rebellious, proud, loveless, arrogant, full of anger, resentment, and selfishness etc. My life is such a joke. I don't have the jazz to exercise and I just bought a great mountain bike. My best friends are also are food addicts. It seems we got clean from coke, heroin and booze, and now we have this food addiction. I also have a sugar habbit. I feel like I swithched seats on the Titanic, each seat getting closer to the water. When I got off the methadone that's when my eating addiction took off. I can't believe how powerful this addiction is. I kicked heroin, crack, methadone, coffee, cigarettes and booze, but the hardest addiction for me has been food and sugar. The words you speak are true, I can identify completely. I am going to pray for the desire to be willing. The willingness to change, for at the present moment I don't have it. Thanks for listening Rick

Diane said...

I got a first hand lesson in being the adult who takes that child inside of me by the hand. A few months ago I was having terrible tummy woes I was diagnosed with IBS about 8 years ago and it flares up from time to time and I started to think maybe it was what I was eating for lunch. I was trying so hard to eat healthy that I was bringing really hard to digest foods each day, but I only have 20 minutes for lunch, so I barely had time to chew. I started to think, If I were packing lunch for a child, what would I feel good about feeding her? The answer was so simple. I started bringing half a sandwich, carrot sticks or cucumber slices, and half a slice apple to lunch every day. If I know I'm going to have a long day at work, I throw in some nuts or almonds or a yogurt for later in the day. What I've found is that I'm actually enjoying lunch now, and what I'm eating is balanced and satisfying. I have time to chew, and honestly, it's enough food. I never thought I'd admit that half a sandwich is enough food, but when I take the time to savor it, I feel satisfied at the end of lunch. I'm not more hungry by midafternoon now than I was before when I ate larger lunches, either. I've been trying to apply the question, "How would I treat a child in this situation," to other aspects of my life, too, like exercising and other meals, and through that I've become much kinder to myself.

Linda said...

I like what Michelle says about it taking up too much of one's mental space - while I am only about 8 lbs. over my desired weight - I am CONSTANTLY thinking about food. I do not have a healthy outlook on food.

Cathy said...

Hello Michelle, although I always knew I am an emotional eater...I am just discovering there are so many other people with the same problem, that there are so many reasons why I am an emotional eater different categories and finally and most excitingly, there is help! I stumbled upon the Skrink Yourself website and also into your columns. You write with inteligence and with heart. You tell it like it is and I can see from your picture the it is also from experience...There is nothing I hate more that someone that has only had book learning trying to teach me something, I mean, how can a 100 lbs person teach a 250 lbs person how to loose weight or esspecially why the can't loose weight, if they have never experienced either problem? I was at the doctors today and after 15 minutes of asking for help and explaining what happens, she suggested my weight situation was perhaps not a medical problem and maybe it was emotional. she suggested Overeaters Anonymous. I am 38 years old, single mom of 2 kids, and have lost almost 100 lbs in the last 11 months. I am currently 148 lbs. But I face my demon everyday, emotional eating. Lately, it has been getting much worse. That is why I went to the doctors. I thought maybe I could try appetite surrpresants. I still need to loose another 12 - 15 lbs but I seem to be going backwards...so, I looked it up tonight and that is how I stumbled in. I read the good doctors first article tonight and I had some 'ahha' moments. I will think about them all day tomorrow, esspecially if the demon shows his face...I will ask myself the questions. I am also going to pick up the book and read it, perhaps twice. I pray that it will help me as it seems to have helped others, at least to make me understand the whys and what to dos. I will read many more of yours articles and hopefully learn from them. BTW, I do not know of one woman that does not like 'How to look good naked'. the beginning of the show is sad but I can tell that they are not acting, it is real life and I have seen it with my own eyes. Thanks for caring...you give others hope for a better tomorrow! Keep it up.

Mary said...

Yes, instead of soothing w/ food, using my thoughts to do some problem solving make choices like an adult would. Overcoming a sense of powerlessness.

KS said...

I know many adults who are like this... including myself sometimes.

Abe TORKELTON said...

Melissa said...

I am right there with Sally. My moods are all over the place, along with my weight. Not to mention that I am continuously convincing myself that the pounds will miraculously drop off by June...which now I am terrified to admit they won't. I need to stop being "childlike" and do the work. It is scary to be an adult, especially one battling weight and binge-eating issues. Any advice?

Michelle said...

Being aware is a great first step. Now, think of one tiny action you can take this week to take better care of yourself.

Sally said...

Your description of "childlikeness" is where I am at right now. I've been stuck here for some time. I've given up my ability to say how my life will go as well as my say in how I use my time. The result has been punishing myself by maiming my body with food. Those around me have to deal with the moodiness and irresponsibility that results from abusing food and my one and only body, too.

Tayley said...

I am in week 11 and i am finding I can really relate to this session! I went back in time and realized that I started my weight gain as a teenager who was rebellious and also not getting the attention from my mother that I should have received! At the time, I did not know that my Mother suffered from mental illness so I think that if I had known my life might have been different. Anyhow, I will give myself a great big bear hug and possibly the love that I was not given! It was an eye opener this session. Now I will move forward and conquer the world!! Or maybe just the food issue for now! :

Michelle said...

This is not a program solely for bulimics. This is a program for anyone who feels like their relationship with food takes up too much of their mental space and time. It can help anyone have a better relationship with food.

anonymous said...

do you have to have bulimia for this program?

Linny C said...

PS to Lucy, I'm a senior and I find this program most helpfu.

Linny C said...

I appreciate this post. I am so aware of my rebellious side and it surfaces regularly. I remember being told that I can say to that "Inner Child". I am going to be in the driver's seat. It really is like relating to an upset child. I also try to give that voice the opportunity to say all it has to say by writing dialogues with myself. Thanks for the reminder.

Lucy said...

Michelle. My e-mail address is lumil39@netzero.com. Also, is this a program tha a senior citizen could do and have success with?

Lucy Mileo said...

Michelle, I want to join the program but it won't let me proceed after I choose a password. Can you tell me what to do. Thanks. Lucy

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